Chapter 32
Vanessa
Sunday
I stormed out of the apartment with my suitcase, fighting off tears after Adam kicked me out. My hair stuck to the wetness around my eyes, and I wiped it away before he could see. Every nerve inside me was tingling with rage.
How can he go from hot too cold in the blink of an eye like that? Something must have happened while they were out; one of his buddies convinced him to call it off. Either that, or he was just being a jerk.
Sniffing back a sob, I threw my suitcase in the back and climbed into the driver’s seat. I drove the only place that I could think of: my parents’. Part of me was still in disbelief that such a thing had happened, the action came out of nowhere. I’d had a completely wrong idea of him and everything that was happening between us.
As I drove across town, my thoughts flickered back to the passionate night we’d shared a few days ago. His body pressed against me, kissing me deeply on the mouth, and then pulling me into bed with him and his arm still wrapped around me tightly. How could that not be love? It made me sick to think I’d let him touch me and do those things knowing it was all fake.
I’d actually tried to comfort him because I knew he was stressed at work. Comfort him, when he was the one pulling off the cruel charade. The whole thing was a joke and ended up being a colossal failure.
Did he know this was going to happen? Was he planning to kick me out even then when we were having sex? Jerk.
My chest was convulsing slightly as I tried not to cry, focusing hard on the road ahead. The route unwound itself before me like I was on autopilot, and before I knew it, I was pulling into my parents’ neighborhood. As I parked in the driveway and the cut the engine to the car, I sat there for a minute quietly.
What am I going to tell them?
I took a deep breath and opened the door, walking up the sidewalk to the house. I knocked on the door and tears started streaming down my cheeks. The tears stung my eyes and stuck the matted hair against my cheek. A worried voice in the back of my head wondered if maybe I should have called them first and let them know what was happening before I came, but it was too late for that. By the time Dad came to answer the door, I was practically sobbing. My eyes were red and puffy, and I could barely breathe.
When he saw me in the doorway, his initial response was complete alarm. He and Mom both stared at me in fright while they processed what was happening and then swooped down to wrap me in a hug.
“Vanessa? What’s going on here, sweetie?”
“Everything fell apart,” I blubbered miserably. “Can I move back home?”
“Of course, you can!” Mom cooed against my hair.
She put her arm around me and walked me up the stairs to my room while Dad silently went outside and started bringing in my luggage.
“I’m going to make you some tea,” she offered warmly. “That always makes me feel better. When I get back, we can talk about it if you’d like, or I can just give you some quiet time.”
I nodded sadly, wiping away the tears that continued to flow and sat down on the edge of my bed. As soon as my body hit the mattress, I wanted to curl up into a little ball and cry myself out into the pillow. It’s like I was a child being sent up to my room because I wouldn’t play nicely with the other kids. It was the same hopeless, childish sorrow that was all-encompassing. “Thanks, Mom.”
She smiled weakly and patted me on the hand before walking back outside and heading down the stairs. I sniffed, laying back against the mattress, and buried my face into the pillow. My heart was broken about everything that had happened, and I was devastated. Meghan was right: I shouldn’t have let myself get attached to him.
Why did he have to be so sweet and wonderful while it lasted? I bawled to myself quietly. The tears were coming freely now, and I wasn’t even attempting to hold them back. The cathartic warmth and support of my family let the whole thing come unhinged.
Dad slowly began lugging my suitcases up the stairs and set them in the hallway. I felt a wave of emotion coming over me, filled with love and gratitude that I’d been raised by such a kind and supportive father. When Mom came back with a mug of tea, I sat up on the bed and thanked her.
She didn’t speak or expect anything of me as she sat down on the mattress and rubbed soothing circles on my back. It was something she’d always done, instinctively, since I was a child. I took the cup from her and sipped carefully at the sweet peppermint elixir. It was hot, but not enough to burn my tongue, so I drank it gratefully and looked back at her with teary eyes.
“I’m sorry to do this to you, Mom. I really thought things were starting to work out for me.”
She scoffed, wrapping her arm around me in a hug and said, “Honey, you don’t need to apologize! We just want to help you in any way we can.”
I nodded slowly, looking down and the mug cradled between my hands. The ceramic mug felt warm and comforting between my fingers as I gazed at the clear green beverage. “I’m not really sure what happened,” I told her honestly. “Things were going so well, and then out of nowhere, Adam came home from one of those Men’s Club meetings and said I had to move out.”
She frowned, the skin between her eyebrows puckering with confusion. “That doesn’t sound right.”
I chuckled dryly in agreement. “No, it doesn’t.”
Mom cleared her throat and asked, “Honey, this seems like more than just being kicked out of your apartment. Was there something going on between you and Adam?”
I nodded, resting my head against her shoulder. “I fell in love with him,” I told her. “He was nice to me, and everything was good. I thought we were going to be together, but then he just…stopped. It doesn’t make any sense.”
She nodded thoughtfully and ran her fingers gently through my hair. “We’re you sleeping together?”
“Mom!”
“I’m not trying to pry,” she insisted gently, raising her hands in mock surrender. “I’m just trying to understand how serious it was, so I can help you figure out what happened.”
I swallowed hard and nodded, unable to look her in the eye out of shame and embarrassment. There was no point in lying about the nature of our relationship, but I didn’t want to discuss that with her. Still, I understood where she was coming from and needed all the information if she was going to advise me on how to proceed. “Yes.”
“Hmmm… And you weren’t fighting or anything?”
There was no judgment in her tone, only sadness and confusion at seeing me so unhappy. She already knew part of it; I’d told her about my feelings the other day, but she didn’t know the whole story. I could tell from the look in her eyes that she was heartbroken for me. Like any mother, it was difficult to see her child in pain, and she just wanted to make it go away. I really was in love with him; he could have been the one. I’d never let anyone get that close to me before, which made the end of it all the more painful.
“No, nothing like that,” I said while still struggling to hold back tears. “We were laughing and kissing all the time. I don’t think we ever fought.”
I wheezed, panting out sobs as I cried against her shoulder. It hurt to breathe; it hurt to think.
Mom sighed, rubbing her hand up and down my arm as a way to comfort me. She was thinking carefully about everything she knew about Adam and what I’d told her since moving into his apartment. “Well, how did it start?”
I shrugged. “We started talking at the Christmas party and just hit it off right away. After I moved into the apartment, it just sort of happened. We liked being with each other, and he made me laugh. Adam even helped me get that job at Frank Howell; did I ever tell you that?”
She shook her head and smiled weakly. “No, I don’t think you ever did.”
“Well, he did,” I offered with a sniff. “He was wonderful. I didn’t want to get swept away with it, but I did. I fell in love with him, and I thought he loved me back. We were sleeping together and laughing together and having the perfect situation. Then he came home this morning and just dropped the bomb out of nowhere that I had to leave. There was no warning or lead up of any kind.”
“I’d say he was just being a typical man that didn’t want to have any strings, but that doesn’t sound like Adam. He’s a good kid, and I’m sure there has to be a logical explanation.”
“I don’t care; he’s still a jerk,” I sobbed bitterly. I was hurt and confused, and I didn’t want to play devil’s advocate just yet. We’d been so close to having something beautiful, and then it disappeared in a flash. I was mourning the romance that never happened, the relationship I’d been hoping might come out of our love affair. Now it all seemed stupid because he was never mine to be missing in the first place.
He wasn’t mine, but I had given myself to him.
“Okay, dear,” Mom calmed me with a hush. “You don’t have to talk about it anymore if you don’t want to. I’m always here.”
I finished the tea that was in my cup and set it on the nightstand before climbing back into bed. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” I told her quietly. “I just want to get some sleep.”
She nodded, standing up and tucking me in with the blanket around my shoulders. For the first time since I was a child, I actually appreciated the gesture. It made me feel safe, loved, and protected.
“That’s fine,” she responded. “You get some rest and if there is anything else I can do, you let me know, okay?”
I didn’t answer.
As she picked the mug up off the nightstand and brought it with her out of the room, she turned out the light and shut the door so I’d have some privacy. I was still shaking from the tears and flood of emotions that flooded through my body, so I switched to breathing through my mouth and tried to calm down. With the room dark, I snuggled in around the pillow and pulled the blanket up the way I liked it. Soon the pillowcase was damp from my tears, and I was crying all over again, mourning the love that never happened.
How could I be so stupid? Why did I let myself become so dependent on him in the first place? Damn Adam Hillis and his charming manners. It was all a lie.
I closed my eyes, and all I could remember was him kissing in the shower. There was so much passion in the way he touched me. I could still feel the taste of his kisses on my tongue and the warmth of his hands against my skin. It wasn’t about that, though. It was about how he looked at me like I was some kind of princess and how he spoke my name like a caress.
My entire body hurt from the ache of depression setting in. The muscles were sore, and I was dizzy with lightheadedness from crying. I felt tired and sore and couldn’t even think clearly; there would be no relief for me today, as that was something that could only come with time.
I cried out miserably and just wished there was some way to know where it all went wrong. Maybe I’d call Max sometime this week and see if he had any idea. He was the last person with Adam before the switch, so hopefully that gave him some insight.
For now, though, I allowed myself to be sad. I let myself be angry and hurt, blaming all of it on Adam for making me fall in love with him, making see how we could be happy together, and making me think that maybe, just maybe, he could have wanted that for us, too.
I cried my heart out into the pillow until I fell asleep into a deep and dreamless slumber.