Shep

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I wanted to take back the moment where I lost my shit and said those ugly words to JJ. But I did not want to take back the moment where I killed Moss.

Josie and Tracy took her from me and wrapped her up. I watched as they supported her and walked into the kitchen of the clubhouse.

My mother, and now Tracy, had bandaged a lot of cuts, reset bones, and even fished out bullets in that kitchen.

I winced when I thought about how close JJ had come. Moss was in a rage, no question, and JJ was a rag doll.

I thought she was dead at first. My rage conquered Moss’s rage. I hauled him off JJ.

I choked him at first. And then I shot him, point blank. In the temple.

He knew it was from The Dark Saints before he went. And The Hawks would also know it was from The Dark Saints.

But it wasn’t the club that shot him. It was me. He’d nearly killed JJ.

And I loved JJ, more than anything else in the world.

I knew that. I’d known it from the first shot she poured me.

Funny, Mama Bear knew it too. I was still angry with her. She should have told me about her plan with JJ. If I’d have known from the beginning, I would have done things differently.

I certainly wouldn’t have let JJ be the leak. I’d have cut JJ off from her evil Uncle and that would be that.

Which is funny. Because that was assuming JJ would listen to me. Or Josie would.

I realized that was probably unlikely.

I paced in the main bar of the MC and slowly my brothers trickled in.

“Any word on our girl?” Deacon said, and I realized that JJ had become a fixture here. She’d found a place in my heart, I knew that. But she’d also found that my brothers were her brothers. That was what Sarge, my Dad – hell, what all the OG Saints – meant to happen when they founded this club.

This MC was still standing. The brotherhood had not broken. But I feared if JJ didn’t forgive me, it would all feel hollow.

I wanted her in this MC, in this bar, in my life, however I could get her.

I answered Deacon.

“I’m waiting for Mama Bear to get me up to speed.”

“I’ll wait with you.”

“Me too.” Axle sat down next to me at the bar.

In short order, Zig, Chase, Domino, Kade, Maddox, Bo, and Benz filed in.

“Any word?” Bo asked, and Deacon shook his head no.

But they all sat with me and we let it sink in.

We were still a club. We’d fought off The Hawks, got a shit ton of Cartel drug product off the streets, and created a new alliance with The Great Wolves. It was a lot of success, without Bear at the helm. It made me feel good about the future of the club.

But my own future hinged on what was happening in the kitchen and what JJ felt. In the process of saving my MC, I may very well have fucked up every other thing in my life.

Finally, Mama Bear came out and we all looked to her for good news.

“You all waiting on word about your favorite bartender?” Mama Bear asked.

“It looked like Moss nearly killed her,” Axle said.

“She’s a lot tougher than that,” Josie replied, and I was hopeful for the first time since I’d seen JJ lying on the ground.

“Tracy and I are pretty confident she has a cracked rib. We taped it, but she won’t go to get an X-Ray, thanks to wanting to protect you all. Also, I stitched up that cut above her eye. She’s going to look and feel worse tomorrow. But she’s going to be okay.”

I exhaled for what seemed like the first time in hours.

“Good news, brother. But a bunch of us are gonna have to get on the road now. The ladies are getting stir crazy at the lake,” Domino said.

“I appreciate that you all were here, thank you.”

“No problem,” Domino said.

“We’ve been through a lot of fucking shit, but it all worked. The goddamn Hawks are out of here,” Kade grinned.

“Amen! Bear will be happy to see we didn’t totally fuck this shit up,” Axle added, bringing a few laughs.

“Go get your old ladies, and get out of here. I need to talk to Shep.”

“Yes, Mama,” they replied and all filed passed to give her a hug.

Before too long we were alone in the club.

“If you’re going to tell me I fucked up with JJ, no need, I got that.”

“No, I’m not going to tell you that. I’m going to tell you that you did a good job leading this MC.”

It meant a lot coming from Mama Bear. She knew what it took to make all this work.

“Your Dad, well, he’s made a decision. You’re going to want to talk to him soon. But right now, you need to take care of our girl.”

“Our girl? I’m getting the feeling you like her more than you like me. And, by the way, it’s not that I don’t want to take care of her, I just don’t know if she will let me?”

“She will, if you’re sincere. She loves you, Shep, so do whatever she needs you to do. Whatever she asks. She sacrificed herself for the good of the club, and for you. That’s rare as it gets.”

“I’ll do everything I can to get her back.”

“Good, it’s about time I had a daughter to add to my abundance of sons. God knows Jenny isn’t going to help me make the damn chili around here,” she said, and I leaned down to hug her. She was tiny, and fierce, and right about most things.

“Let’s just get her talking to me again and go from there.”

“Fair. And I’m sorry for how you found out about JJ. It’s my fault.”

“It’s water under the bridge. Unless she doesn’t forgive me, then forget about waffles on Mother’s Day.”

Mama Bear lifted her hand and lightly whacked me on the head.

“Get in there.”

I walked toward the kitchen and took a deep breath. I had some major apologizing to do.

“Just be super careful getting up and down. That’s going to be the worst,” Tracy was telling JJ.

It hurt me to look at her face. It was still so beautiful. And it was also a mess. Moss had hurt her so much. I cringed again thinking what would have happened if I had missed her, been a second later, or was too stubborn to run after her.

Tracy saw me come in.

“Shep, she can’t ride on your bike and when you drive, take it super slow. Also, here, she’s going to need you to change these. Tight but not too tight.”

“Thank you, Tracy, for patching me up again.”

“You need it almost as much as the MC does.”

“Sorry about that.”

“Ibuprofen will handle the pain. And just be super careful. Don’t rush it.”

Tracy patted JJ lightly on the shoulder and then walked over to me.

“If she refuses to come home with you, call me. Maddox and I have all the space in the world at The Castle. I just didn’t tell her because I want you to have a fighting shot.”

Tracy winked at me and handed me a roll of ace bandages.

“Thanks.”

“I’ll check in tomorrow. Rest JJ, seriously.”

Tracy looked back at me. “She’s going to hurt more tomorrow than today.” She shook her head and walked out.

We were alone. JJ was looking down.

“I, uh, I still need that drive to the hotel.”

“JJ, will you just listen to me, for just a minute.”

“I’m not in a position to get away too quickly right now, am I?”

“I am totally completely sorry for the way I reacted.”

She didn’t respond. The floor held her attention more than I did.

“Look, you said what you said. And I lied to you. From the beginning. That’s all there really is.”

“Can I at least help you get better?”

“Super 8.”

“No, my place. I’ll sleep on the couch. You need a few days. Plus, Tracy and Mama Bear need to check those stitches.”

“I don’t need your help.”

“Please, you helped me put The Hawks away, even if I didn’t know it.”

“Fine. Okay.”

That was all the yes I needed. She was going to let me help her get on her feet. It wasn’t forgiveness but, if I had time, maybe I could earn that.

I drove her to my place. I watched her try to get out of the car. I raced to her side and did my best to make sure she could stand.

And then I showed her to the bedroom.

“I’ll be out of here as fast as I can,” she said and that was it. No other conversation or chance for me to smooth things over.

“Can I get you some water, anything?”

“Water, that would be good. Yes.”

I got her water, put it on the nightstand, and then gently closed the door.

I wanted to do more, to make things as easy as I could. But for now, what JJ needed was to heal.

I could make sure she had the time and space to do that. I sat on the floor next to the door in the hall. I wanted to hear her if she called or cried.