Chapter 20
Samara
I’ve seen him a few times over the last four weeks. A few glances are all I could take before I looked away and didn’t look back. Raven has become good friends with Freya, while I try to stay to myself. Except with Alyona. She understands me better than some. Maybe it’s because she’s helped me in ways no other could, in ways that not even my therapist could.
I am not to blame.
I am not dirty.
None of it was my fault. None.
Sometimes, though, it sneaks in. The blame, especially with Jamie. His partner still sits outside my apartment, stalking me. It’s like I’ve traded one devil for another without even knowing it.
Anton looks good, every time I see him.
Kazier, I see more of, when he’s at work. I’ve started to feel safe again until I’m home and look out my window, then I want to be anywhere but here. I’ve taken over full management of the restaurant, and so far it keeps my days full and busy. By the time I’m home, I have no energy to do anything else but sleep anyway.
Raven’s in the kitchen cooking or just making a mess, which one I’m not sure of as she calls out to me, “We need to move.”
My body tightens on the bed while I wait for her to say more. But instead she walks into the room where I’m lying on my small bed.
“We need to move.” I raise my eyebrows at her. “I’m serious. It’s time now. We can afford it, and we need our own space.”
She’s right, of course, but I’ve gotten accustomed to what we have and don’t know how to change it.
“I’ll start looking tomorrow.”
Raven nods her head then walks away, and once again I hear the slamming of pots and pans, then she walks back in.
“Take me out for dinner… dinner isn’t working.”
I laugh at her. She hates to cook and generally uses the smoke alarm as the timer.
Standing up, she smiles, her eyes bright. “Can we eat at your work?”
I go to tell her no but she adds, “Please.”
Then, of course, I say yes. Because why the fuck wouldn’t I? Even though I’m there every day, I like it. I’ve come to like all the staff, and the cooks.
Raven starts throwing clothes around as she gets ready and I manage to sit up on my bed and pull my hair out of the messy bun that it was captured in, letting my hair hang down my back. She nods her approval as she throws a shirt at me, and I change into it then grab my cell as we head out and drive to the restaurant.
It’s busy as it always is when we enter. I go to organize our table, but before I do a voice comes up from behind me.
“Samara.”
Turning, I smile. Kazier stands there with Elina glued to his side. She smiles at me, then leans in closer to him. “You’re not working are you?”
Before I can speak Raven does it for me. “No, we came for dinner.”
Kazier nods his head, watching me. “How about dinner? Join us, won’t you?” He doesn’t give me a chance to reply as he turns, nodding his head to Bree, a waitress. I smile at her as she scurries off to find us a larger table.
“We don’t want to intrude,” I tell them.
“Please. I think it’s time we talk anyway.”
He’s my boss, I can’t say no.
But what does he want to talk about?
What happened?
I try to not think about it, putting it out of my mind is the best medicine for me. The smell I can never fully get rid of, burning flesh, stays with you for a very long time. Plus, the way Anton was so easy with it, like it didn’t bother him at all. I guess not, because he was doing it. Bree puts us in a private booth at the back of the restaurant, and Raven sits next to me while Kazier and Elina sit opposite of me. We look over the menu, even though I know everything on it.
“I haven’t seen you around. How’s the job working out for you?”
Have you ever met someone before that’s too good-looking for words, but at the same time you want to run away, because you know you don’t trust him or what he’s capable of? That’s Kazier—he’s a walking, talking, death machine. He scares me the most.
“I love it, I can’t thank you enough,” I say to him. Yet even though he scares me, terrifies me even—my leg hasn’t stopped shaking underneath this table—he did break my chains and hand me the key by offering me this job. The benefits and the love I have for it outweighs my fear.
“No need to thank me.”
Bree walks over, smiles softly, but won’t look Kazier in the eye as she takes our orders. Elina and Raven have been quiet while we spoke. Turning to look at her, Raven stands, tells me she’s going to the ladies’ room and walks off.
“You haven’t spoken about it,” he says when I can longer see her anymore.
Turning back to him, he’s watching me. “What?”
He nods. “Good, good. That’s what we want. Have you spoken to him? He’s been intolerable lately.”
I shake my head. No, I haven’t spoken to Anton.
Elina places her hand on mine. “He does miss you if that helps. He isn’t himself.”
Kazier nods. “No, he hasn’t been.” He doesn’t sound impressed.
“I think it’s for the best, well, I hope it is. We’re both confused, that’s all,” I say to them.
Raven sits back next to me and then our food arrives. She talks to both of them while I pick at my food, thinking about what my next moves are. Where my life is going. Raven is good now, she doesn’t need me to mollycoddle her anymore. Our life is freer, and I didn’t even see it happen. Instead, I was locked in pain when it did.
I don’t scrub my body until I’m red-raw every night now. Now it’s more just a mild scrub.
The thoughts of him, the nightmares are slowing, but I don’t think they will ever fully go. The therapist told me it all takes time. Alyona said it took her months and months before she would let her boyfriend even hold her hand. That feels like punishment, for something we didn’t even ask for. But I know where she’s coming from. I don’t think I could ever sleep with a stranger again like I had before. No, the thought of someone I don’t know having their hands on me makes me want to go back in the shower and scrub—like there’s no tomorrow.
Actually, the only hands I can ever see on me again are Anton’s. Which in itself is funny. The man who loves nothing more than sex. Our whole relationship was based on sex. He’s the only one that I have let in deep enough to see some scars, and he didn’t move or flinch when he saw them. Instead, he embraced them and took them on as his own.
Then I think if I could, but I know the answer is no. So why would I even want to see him again? I can’t give him what he wants, not now, and not for a very long time. Too many flashbacks of what happened are lodged in my brain. When I want someone else’s hands on me, I want it to be because I choose for them to be there and because I want them. And for no other reason.
“So, you’re a doctor?” Kazier asks, breaking my thoughts. My food still hasn’t been eaten. I’ve done nothing but play with it. Looking up, I watch him as he asks my sister that question.
Why does he want to know that?
Raven nods her head, and Kazier’s eyes come back to me then back to Raven.
“Good and discreet doctors are hard to find these days.”
Raven nods her head, but she’s smart enough not to say anything. He goes to speak again, but his mouth closes as he looks behind us. Just before I turn to see what he’s looking at, his eyes travel back to our table, then two people are standing there.
I stop breathing, I’m sure of it.
Words don’t leave my mouth.
Anton is standing there with his hands in his pockets as he looks at me. It takes me a moment to realize he’s standing next to someone else. Viktor’s eyes skim me before they go back to Kazier, leaving just Anton’s eyes on me and mine on his. I hear voices, but none of it registers as we stare at each other, his golden brown eyes hold no amusement. They almost look lost, and I wonder how lost mine appear to him, I have no doubt that they’re worse.
Raven’s hand comes down on mine. I haven’t told her everything, but somehow she knows, somehow she knows that some of me is broken and possibly unfixable. It’s the story of my life, something’s always broken. Whether it’s my heart or my head.
Kazier calls for Anton’s attention. It takes him a moment to move his eyes from me to Kazier’s. I don’t listen to the words they speak, my heart is thumping hard in my chest trying to escape, and my emotions are running wild. The not knowing has me so confused. I hear my name but my eyes are cast downward, and the moment I look, he’s no longer there. Turning to look for him, all I see is his back in the distance as he walks away. And then my name is spoken again, it’s Elina this time. She looks at me with her perfect make-up, her perfect hair and her perfect life and I wonder if I can have that.
“You were quiet,” is all she says.
I shrug my shoulders. I like her, I don’t really know her, but I like her. Their love is something we all want, something we all aspire to, but not something we can all have.
“I have to go.” I stand from the table, reaching for my purse to put money down when Kazier speaks, “It’s already paid for.”
I nod my head, thanking him, and try my hardest to smile before I turn and leave. I need to breathe, I need fresh air, and I can’t stay in this place. Walking faster than I intended, I reach the doors and gasp, taking in all the fresh air. When I look up, a beautiful set of golden brown eyes are on me. His lip twitches as if he wants to smile at the sight of me, but he turns away and starts his car, driving off, vanishing from my line of sight.
“You left fast.” Raven places her hand on my shoulder, scaring me, making me squeak.
“Sorry,” is all I can give her.
“He really fucks you up, doesn’t he?” she asks, smiling. I look at her confused, but she just shakes her head, smirking. “I think love would look good on you, that’s all I’m going to say.” She starts walking off in the direction of her car, leaving me confused by her words. Catching up to her, she sits in the driver’s seat, and I realize what a bad sister I’ve become.
“You’re seeing someone too, aren’t you?” I ask her.
“I am.”
Her smile is bright, and I wonder how I missed it.
“Do I know him?”
She shakes head. “I didn’t tell you because it’s not public. He’s a doctor, and I’m still an intern.”
My eyes light up—this is good news. Her seeing someone who’s like-minded is good. He would understand her hours and her need to always be at the hospital.
“I’m sorry for not asking.”
She shrugs her shoulders. “I was planning to tell you, just not while everything was happening.”
“I’m getting better, you know.”
She nods her head. “I can see it, but I still worry about you.”
Squeezing her hand, we end the conversation at that. Because truth be told, I worry about me as well.