I got up when my alarm went off. I showered, brushed my teeth and styled my hair. I picked out a suit, matched it with a tie and laced up my work shoes. I got in my car early enough to miss peak rush hour traffic. I went through the motions, following my routine without thinking about it. I didn’t want to let myself think too much.

If I did, I would start thinking about Maya. I would think about how she left and why, then I would think that I was the problem. I couldn’t deal with that because it was true.

My phone rang, the sound startling me out of my autopilot mode. It rang through my car’s Bluetooth set, surrounding me. I pressed the talk button on my steering wheel to make the sound stop.

“Kyle,” Kina’s voice was all around me. “Are you on the road?”

“On my way to work,” I answered.

“I thought you might be. You need to hear me out, okay?”

Kina only said that to me when she was going to say something I wouldn’t like. I had an idea what it might be. But if she was going to shit all over me, I wouldn’t stand for it. We were the same age so she couldn’t play the mother.

“I know what you’re going to say,” I said.

“You’re an idiot.”

“Bingo.”

“I saw Maya last night. That girl is torn up over you. To be honest, I don’t see why. She shouldn’t have given you a second chance to begin with, she was bound to get hurt.”

I sighed heavily. I was getting irritated with Kina and I didn’t want to fight. “What’s the point of this conversation?” I asked. “I don’t feel like you taking a dump all over me about this.”

“The point, Kyle, is that you can’t keep losing her. If she slips through your fingers this time, she’s gone for good. I know you don’t want that. She’s the only woman you’ve ever loved.”

How the hell did Kina know that? I guess she was my sister. My twin. The one person that understood me, most of the time. 

“I don’t want to do this, now,” I said. She was too close to the truth.

“Then when? You’ll lose her, you know. If you wait too long, someone else will scoop her up. I hear you’re not the only interested party.”

“If you’re talking about the asshole that’s stalking her, that’s never going to happen,” I said. I would kill him if he ever came close to her again.

“No, you’re right. It won’t happen with him. But what about when someone else comes along and tries to sweep her off her feet? What reason will she have to say no? What reason have you given her?”

This was getting worse and worse. She was right on all counts and it nailed me again and again.

Kina sighed. “Kyle,” she said, her voice gentler now. “I’ve seen you grow up and take responsibility, I’ve seen you pick yourself back up after you fell. But you need to drop this jealousy. It is ruining your life.”

“How am I supposed to just let it go?” I asked.

“The way you let anything bad go that happens to you. Shit happens, you know that. It’s no one’s fault. Liam couldn’t change the outcome any more than you did, and he couldn’t say no to the dream he had, too. You can’t blame him for that.”

She was right, of course. Everyone was right. That’s what bothered me so much. Because if no one could change it, I was stuck in this life forever.

“I have nothing left, Kina,” I said.

“That’s not true,” she said. “You have us. You’ll always have me, and Liam wants to be friends with you so bad he can’t stand it. He wants what you guys had back. He feels like shit that you didn’t make it, and he’s trying so hard. But if you keep pushing him away, he’ll disappear, too. You can’t help that you didn’t go pro, but you can help everything else you’re about to lose.”

Dammit, she was right. About all of it. And I hated it. I hated that he was right, that she saw through me, that she knew what was going to happen and that it was all true.

“I don’t know what to do,” I said. “Without football, I’m nobody.”

“That’s a damn lie and you know it. You’re a brother, a friend, a son. You could be a boyfriend. You’re a colleague. You’re an uncle. You’re a brilliant CA. You have so much going for you.”

I took a deep breath. “So I have to move on and forget it all, forget it ever happened?” I asked.

“Don’t forget, Kyle. But don’t let it eat you up. You can still start fresh. But you have to talk to Maya if you want her in your life at all. You can’t keep doing this. Not to us, and not to her. If you can make it happen with Maya, then you’re one step closer to making it right with all of us.”

I chuckled, “Is it conditional?” I asked.

“Yes,” Kina said, but I could hear her smiling. “I want to see you with the woman of your dreams. Don’t lose another dream because of this.”

Kina finally hung up and I drove on, my mind a muddled mess now that she had pointed out everything I had known deep down inside. I hated it when she called to lecture me. But she was right more often than not and I couldn’t argue with her. Maya was the only woman I had ever loved and if I didn’t do something, she was going to slip through my fingers. Kina was right. However much I hated it, I couldn’t deny it.

I dialed Maya’s number, hoping she would be up. She was a morning person but I had no idea what her schedule for the week looked like. Or maybe she wouldn’t want to talk to me.

She answered on the second ring.

“What do you want?” she asked. Her voice wasn’t unfriendly. Instead, she sounded tired.

“I would like to talk,” I said.

“I’m listening.”

“Face to face,” I added. “Please. I want to sort this out. Will you come over to my place tonight?” It was a tall order but I had to try. Maya thought about it for a while and I waited.

“Alright,” she finally said to my surprise. I had started to think it would be a no. “I’ll be there after seven.”

She ended the call. I hadn’t hoped for more of a conversation. I was glad she would allow me a chance to speak, it was all I could ask for.

That night, I cooked, something I hardly ever did. Grilled cheese and salad was the only thing I knew how to make. I wished I could do more, that I could have made her the meal she deserved, like chicken or steak or something. Even mac and cheese would have been a step up. But had a very limited arsenal so I had to make do. My salad was a bunch of ingredients, oddly chopped and thrown together in the hopes that I was doing it right. I had picked up a salad dressing and hoped the meal would impress her. I wanted her to realize that I would make an effort. That our relationship—if we could have one—would be something I would work on.

When I was ready, I waited nervously on the couch, staring at the front door as if I could will her into existence. When I had met her at college I had been nervous to ask her out on a date because she was intimidating. All independent women were. But this time, it was worse. This time, I knew what I would be losing if she rejected me. This seemed like an all or nothing deal. I had a lot to gain, and one hell of a lot to lose.

I was no stranger to losing things that were important to me, but that didn’t mean it would hurt any less.

Maya was a little late and that terrified me. I was scared she had changed her mind and that she was standing me up. When she arrived, twenty minutes late, I breathed a sigh of relief.

“There was an accident on the expressway,” she said. “It took forever to get back from training.”

She didn’t hug me or kiss me hello. I didn’t expect her to.

“I’m glad you made it,” I said. “Thank you for coming.”

She nodded and sat down on the couch, looking at me wearily. She had put on jeans and a blouse with ballerina flats, casual clothes, but she looked good. Maya always looked good.

“I made supper,” I said pointing to the counter.

Maya looked surprised. “You don’t cook,” she said.

“I did tonight. I wanted to do something special for you.”

A small smile bled onto her face, and it was something, enough to show me it had worked, it had meant something. I brought her food to her on the tray so we could eat while we talked, so we could face each other instead of sitting side by side at the counter.

“I owe you an apology,” I said, once we had taken a few bites and Maya had sampled my food.

“I thought you didn’t owe me anything.”

I closed my eyes briefly. “Please, I don’t want to fight. I shouldn’t have said that. I was way out of line, and I’m sorry.”

Maya nodded once. Forgiveness or agreement?

“I am also sorry for how I acted when we broke up. And for breaking up with you in the first place. I hurt you and I was wrong.’

“I thought you didn’t want me anymore,” Maya said.

I shook my head. “I wanted you. I’ve always wanted you. But I felt like a failure. Everything I had worked for had disappeared just like that and I thought that I wasn’t good enough for you anymore. You love sports. You dated a football player, you love to train. I didn’t think the person I was without football would be good enough for you. Why would it be? It wasn’t good enough for me, either.”

Maya shook her head. “I would have been there for you. I wanted to be.”

I nodded. I had known she would, but I’d felt so unworthy. Looking back now, it had been stupid. But what could I do? There was no changing the past.

“So, all of this is because of Liam and his professional football career?” Maya asked, and I winced. When she said it like that, it sounded so petty.

But I nodded because it was true.

“For a while, I tried to accept it,” I said. “I wanted to be happy for him. But I couldn’t stand by him and watch him live the life I didn’t have. I couldn’t watch him play football knowing I would forever stand on the sidelines.”

Maya frowned, “Are you injured somehow?”

I shook my head.

“So it’s just your wounded pride, then.”

I narrowed my eyes at her. “You don’t need to be a bitch about it.”

She shook her head. “I’m sorry. I’m still upset, but I know I’m making it worse. What I’m trying to say is that you don’t have to stop playing football altogether. Why don’t you join a club? I’m sure there are many of them around town.”

I nodded slowly. I had thought about that, too, but I was too worried that I would resent Liam even more if I still played, but it was never the real deal.

“What if I hate it?” I asked.

“Then you’ll know. But until you try, you won’t.”

It was like a light went on. I had spiraled around in the darkness for so long, wallowing in my own self-pity, that somehow I hadn’t seen how easy it could have been. I had been such an idiot.

“I’m sorry for everything I did to you,” I said. “Back in the day, and now. I want to be with you. I don’t want you to lose you again. Having you with me these past few days was amazing.”

Maya smiled and nodded, putting her plate down on the coffee table. When she shifted closer to me, I did the same.

“I don’t want to lose you, either, Kyle, but you can’t shut me out,” she said.

“I know.”

“So, how about we work through this, together?”

I nodded, taking her hand and kissing her knuckles. “I’d like that.”

She leaned into me, pressing her lips against mine and finally, for the first time in a long time, I could breathe again.