Chapter 30 – Hope
The morning of Darren’s visit with Bryant, I woke up early to do some deep cleaning in the house.
“Don’t do that,” said Darren when he saw me moving around the house, pulling things off shelves and dusting.
“No, it’s okay. I want to,” I admitted.
I still felt guilty about the fact that I would be leaving. We hadn’t really talked since we agreed that I would leave. I didn’t really know what to say. Every other minute, I wanted to run to Darren and tell him I’d made up my mind for sure, and that I wanted to stay. But then I worried I’d have second thoughts, which would only make things worse. So I said nothing.
I think that I somehow thought that cleaning would make everything better. At least it gave me something else to focus on rather than my own guilt and the mess that I’d made of everything.
When Darren’s mother and Bryant showed up, I stayed in the room. I wanted to give Darren and his son time to reconnect before inserting a new element into their relationship. I could hear the little boy bounding around the house happily.
“What’s in this room?” he asked, standing on the other side of the door of the room I was in.
“Nothing. Let’s go down here so that I can show you what I got for you.”
I could hear their voices fade away as they walked away from the door.
I started to think that maybe Darren had changed his mind about wanting to introduce me to his mother and son, until several minutes later, when he opened the door slightly and his head popped around the corner. I hadn’t even heard his footsteps on the stairs or outside the door, so I jumped slightly.
He was smiling, though, which made me feel more reassured. I smiled back at him, glad that he wasn’t angry. And second guessing everything, as usual.
“Hey, I just wanted to check on you and make sure that you’re okay,” he said. “They’re in the kitchen right now having some chocolate. I bought it when I was in town, as a gift for him, along with some toys I thought he would like.”
“That was nice of you,” I said, with a genuine smile, but he just shrugged and smiled slightly, as if saying it was the least he could do.
“Would you like to come and join us?” he asked me.
It sounded like a question, but I knew that this was the part of the visit where I was supposed to hold up my end of the bargain.
“Okay,” I said, following him to the kitchen.
“Mother, Bryant, this is Hope, my friend,” said Darren.
Darren’s mother and son both turned to look at me, half eaten squares of chocolate suspended in the air in front of their mouths. From the shocked expressions on their faces, I could tell that neither of them had expected to see me. Darren wasn’t one to have the best social graces. But his face looked excited, and I was glad he was happy to introduce me to them.
“Hello,” I said, stepping forward and waving.
I knew that he’d introduced me as his friend, but I wasn’t quite sure in what capacity that meant. Did he mean like a drinking buddy or more than that? I wasn’t about to specify. I just would follow Darren’s lead.
“Hope has been staying here with me,” he explained to them. “She is kind of a special friend.”
Well, that sure clarified things a little more. But also left open room for a whole bunch of follow up questions.
“Ohhhhhhh,” said his mother, clapping her hands and smiling. “So, you must be the reason why my son has seemed to change into a new person lately. Very nice to meet you, dear.”
“Nice to meet you, too,” I said.
“Are you going to be my new mom?” blurted out Bryant.
“Bryant! That’s not very polite,” said Darren’s mother.
Darren roared with laughter.
“You don’t have to answer that, Hope,” his mother said. “But, I must say that I am very happy that you have done such a good job with my son. I can tell that he’s happier than he’s been in a very long time. For quite a while now, I have had to stand by and watch my son be this broken shell of a man. Now, I see him and he’s smiling and cheerful. He has real hope and I know that you’re the reason for it. Thank you.”
I didn’t know what to say. I felt guilty yet again. I mumbled a “you’re welcome” in her general direction, but then just stared at the floor. I could feel Darren’s eyes on me, watching my every move.
His mom was giving me way too much credit. I was glad to hear that she noticed a positive change in him, but I had a hard time believing that it was all because of me. Maybe I just didn’t want that to be true, because I didn’t want the responsibility of it.
It was nice of her to say the things that she did, though. If it weren’t for the fact that I was going to be walking out of his life in just a few short hours, I might have felt pride in hearing her words.
Instead, her words left me feeling empty and, yet again, torn about what I was going to do next.
Why couldn’t I make up my damn mind?
And, what if I did, only to have my own hopes crushed in the way that I didn’t want to crush Darren’s?