Parrish

The clock over the oven dings as the turkey is done. It’s my night to make dinner, and since it’s Friday, I usually try to do something fancy, which means my modified Thanksgiving feast. I’ve been cooking the turkey for hours, making stuffing and potatoes and cranberry sauce from scratch, and even baked a cherry pie for dessert. The boys are out of town for a competition, so it’s just me, Sam, Candy, Anna, and Gracie, which is fine by me. When the brothers are here, it’s always chaos, so I tend to relish the quiet of nights when they’re all busy doing their own thing.

Candy comes dancing into the kitchen, more happy and light than I think I’ve seen her in ages.

“What’s got you so perky, mama?” I ask as Candy picks up the bowl of potatoes.

“I just can’t believe he’s going to be here for a whole month! Can you believe it? I can’t believe it, Parrish!”

I bend over to baste the turkey before I pull it out of the oven. “Who?”

“Hawk, of course!”

I feel like someone has poked me in the ass with a cattle prod. My hand jolts in the air, bumps into the burner, and I scream. Candy rushes over and takes my hand in hers, tsk-ing lightly.

“Goodness gracious, Parrish! What has gotten into you?”

I run over to the sink and run my hand under the faucet. “Candy, what are you talking about? Hawk isn’t coming here… is he?”

She doesn’t have time to answer, because Sam comes sauntering into the kitchen. “What in the galdurn is going on in here?”

“Sam… what didn’t you tell me this morning?”

He raises an eyebrow and then registers what I’m talking about, before taking several steps back toward the dining room. I wrap a towel around my hand and follow him out. “Sam! Don’t you slither out of here. What is going on?”

Sam sighs. “Hawk is the architect working on the new stables. When I told him about the job, he offered and I there was no way I was going to say no. I can’t afford to say no. Besides, what’s the difference, Parrish? He’s our son, same as the others. And he won’t get in your way.”

I bite my lip and choke back the urge to scream. Anna is the only one who knows what happened with Hawk now… Candy and Sam don’t have absolutely no idea, and I worked my ass off to keep it that way. It never came up, anyway. He’s been gone for ten years; he couldn’t even be bothered to come back when Matt died. Part of me wanted to hate him for staying away, for not having the balls to come here and support us when we lost Matt. But another, selfish part of me was happy that he didn’t come back. The last thing I wanted to deal with as we all adjusted to the loss was the awkwardness of seeing Hawk again. But the truth was, the awkwardness wasn’t magically going to disappear now. Ten years, two years, it doesn’t matter. I have never totally forgiven Hawk for disappearing after the graduation party and the idea of seeing him again now makes me want to throw up.

“Parrish! Gracie is awake and she’s asking for you!” Anna shouts from the living room where my little girl has been napping on the couch. I sigh and run in there to get her ready for dinner. Anna is already holding her out to me and gives me a sly smile.

“So. You heard.”

Anna shrugs, and tries to hide a smirk. She may be like my sister, but she stills has a love of drama, especially when it doesn’t involve her.

“Yeah, I heard. How long have you known?” I ask as I take a still-groggy Gracie into the bathroom to get her cleaned up for dinner.

“I just found out this afternoon, I promise,” Anna says, standing in the doorway. “I would have told you, you know that. Honestly, I’m not thrilled about it either. And he knows it. I think he was a jerk for staying away this long, but mom and dad forgive him anything because he’s the first. He could burn down the ranch and they’d chuck him on the shoulder and tell him it was their fault for making it so flammable.”

I can’t help but laugh. “Sad but true. Dammit, Annie. How the hell am I going to survive this?”

“You’ll survive it because you have to. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for, and I think you know that, Pare.”

I throw Gracie over my shoulder and give her a pat on the butt, which makes her giggle. Then I do the same to Anna as I walk past her, and she chases after us, making Gracie laugh even harder. We all skid into the dining room and Sam and Candy are already sitting at the table. Candy shakes her head with a smile, but Sam looks stern.

“I thought girls were supposed to make less noise than boys,” he says as he carves the turkey. I put Gracie in her high chair, and Anna and I sit down as quietly and properly as we can. But then Anna clears her throat.

“If girls were quieter than boys, you wouldn’t have an office manager or a stable master. You’d just have a bunch of jerks who spend all of their time jumping and racing and never calling home.”

I almost choke on the tea I’m drinking. If there is one thing Anna can be counted on for, it’s speaking her mind. And I can tell by look on Sam’s face he’s not amused.

“Why don’t we have a nice, quiet dinner? In silence?” Sam says before handing out slices of turkey.

Anna shrugs. “Suits me fine, Pa.”

Candy just shakes her head and I look over at my little girl, grateful she’s still too little to pick up on sarcasm.

* * *

It’s after midnight, and I’m sitting in my bed in the carriage house, a quilt wrapped around my shoulders and the TV humming gently in the background. Gracie is asleep in her room, and I’m enjoying just about the only time of day I actually get to be alone. It’s also when I pull out my wedding album sometimes, and look through it. I don’t like everyone else to know how much I still miss having a real family, because they’ve all come to see me as the strong one. But I’m not. I run my fingers along the outline of his sweet face. Matt looked nothing like the rest of his brothers. He was smaller, his face more gentle. He had the same stormy ocean-blue eyes as the rest of boys, but his blonde hair was already starting gray when we got married, and it carried down into his beard. When he laughed, it was with pure joy, and the room would light up with his happiness. Even now, I feel the absence of it, and I can’t imagine any man ever filling my life up like that again.

I see Matt’s eyes, his smile, and his infectious laugh in Gracie. They would have been the best of friends; I know it every time I look at her. And I try to picture ever letting anyone else into her life in that way. It feels impossible. I’m barely thirty-two-years-old, I have a little girl, and I can’t help but wonder…

Is this it for me? Is this the rest of my life?