Parrish

I’m getting Gracie settled into her old bed in the ranch house, but my mind keeps drifting to what Hawk did for Moonfire today. It’s the nicest thing he’s ever done for me by a mile… it may actually be the only nice thing he’s ever done for me. But I feel like I’m being forced to admit that Hawk is a different person now. Sure; he’s a big city player, with a different model in his bed every night. But maybe, just maybe, he’s more than that. Maybe coming back here has opened up his eyes to the kind of person he’s capable of being.

Or maybe I’m just fooling myself.

I check to make sure Gracie is fast asleep, then I wander downstairs to the kitchen. Usually, everyone is asleep by now. Anna is generally curled up in her bed watching TV, and Candy and Sam are “early to bed” types. I have no idea where Hawk is, and I don’t really want to go searching for him. The only thing I want right now is a giant slice of the carrot cake Candy made after dinner. When I get to the kitchen though, I find Hawk there too, eating directly from the carrot cake with a fork; his eyes go wide and he looks epically embarrassed. I shake my head with a smile and get a cake knife from the drawer and two plates.

“Your brother used to do the same thing. He couldn’t be bothered to wait to cut a slice, so he’d just dive right in.” I slide the cake away from him, cutting two slices from the hole he’s made. Then I put the cake back in the fridge, and pour two cold glasses of milk. He takes the milk grateful and indulges in a long, slow sip.

“God, I forgot how good it was when it was fresh,” he says with a smile as he wipes away a milk mustache.

“At least we don’t have to worry about sharing with the reporter. She doesn’t drink milk. Or eat cake. Or pasta, or rice, or cheese, or basically anything we like here.”

Hawk dives into the cake. “Whatever. More gluten for me.” I snort laugh, then have to cover my mouth so I don’t wake anyone up.

“So, how are things going with her?”

Hawk shrugs. “I can’t really complain so far. She’s just a regular reporter, asking me obnoxious questions and following me around.”

I feel a twinge of jealousy, and I hate myself for it, so I shove it back down and start eating the cake. “Your mom said she’s not really talking to anyone else so far.”

“I think that’s just because her editor is friends with my boss, and they probably told her to stick with me. But I’m going to… encourage her… to you know, spend some time with you and dad. And it’s definitely not just about getting her to leave me alone for a few blissful seconds of peace.”

I laugh again as I lean forward on the counter. “Hawk, I want to thank you…”

Hawk waves his fork at me and shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it. Really. And you don’t have to thank me. I don’t know what came over my father. He just doesn’t think sometimes. But I guess you know that better than most. You’ve been living here for a while now.”

I smile as I keep eating the cake. “I think you’re more like your dad sometimes than you realize.”

Hawk winces. “I mean, fair. Harsh. But fair. Can I ask you something?”

I nod.

“What was it like here? When… Matt was alive?”

My eyes go wide. “What do you mean?”

“I guess I just want to imagine what things were like here when everyone was happy.”

I raise an eyebrow. “Who’s says we’re not happy?”

Hawk tilts his head as if I’ve just said something ridiculous that he can see right through. “Parrish… I’m not saying everyone is miserable and moping around. But you have to admit. Matt was the heart and soul of this place. It was his life. I don’t even think Dad loved it as much as Matt did. And the one thing I’ll always regret more than anything is that I never got to see him working here, doing what he loved.”

I brush a stray piece of hair out of my face, and force down the urge to cry. “Everything was wonderful. He was so full of joy all the time, and he practically filled everyone else with it. He would have complained about the build, but secretly, he would have loved it. All he ever wanted was to make this place the best it could possibly be. And it wasn’t about the awards, or the money. It was about building the best ranch he could for his family. He was so excited about Gracie.” I have to stop talking, because I feel like I’m going to burst out in tears. Hawk takes a bite of cake and nods.

“I’m sorry he never got to meet her. He would have loved her. She’s quite the little spitfire. Just like you.”

I laugh and brush a stray tear away from my cheek. “Sometimes I think you’re right. And sometimes, I look at her, and I see so much of Matt. When he… when we lost him, I thought for sure I wasn’t going to be able to go on. It didn’t feel like any of us were going to survive. But then Gracie got here, and she breathed new life into the place. She gave us a reason to keep going.”

“I’m glad. And for what it’s worth, I really am sorry I wasn’t here for you guys. It’s not an excuse, but I just have no idea how to deal with pain, or grief. I’ve never been very good at it. And the only thing worse than dealing with my own grief would have been trying to help all of you through yours. It’s a shitty excuse, I know. But I hope I can try to make up for it now, in some small way.”

I don’t look up from my cake and milk. I just watch the little beads of water on the edge of the glass trickle down to the counter, thinking maybe if I focus on them, I won’t let myself break down. I want him to stop apologizing to me. I feel like every conversation we’ve had since he got here has involved him apologizing to me for… something. I want it to stop. But at the same time, I am pretty sure I’ve earned every one of them. I don’t know how much time passes before I’m able to get control of my emotions again, and I opt to change the subject.

“Do your brothers know you’re here? I didn’t even think to ask before.” I ask before I take a long gulp of bilk.

Hawk snickers. “I called them. Jasper is staying behind in Colorado with some friends. Mason said he’d be back next week. I have no idea where Carter is.”

Through a mouthful of cake, I mumble, “Carter is in Costa Rica.” I swallow. “Do you not know what he does in his spare time?”

“Obviously not,” Hawk says with a grin.

“He started a rescue organization, Wild Hearts. He travels to South America, the Caribbean, all of the States, and he buys horses that are injured or considered too old, and in danger of being put down before their time. Then he finds them new homes, or places where they can live out their lives in safety. Your fathers thinks he’s wasting his time, but the organization is getting some really good press. One of those women’s movie channels even approached him about making a romance movie based on him. Jasper and Mason were all over him about it.”

Hawk laughs so hard, milk almost comes out of his nose. “Are you serious? I mean, the rescue organization is amazing. But can you imagine a rom-com about Carter? Has he ever dated someone for more than a week?”

I shrug. “Matt was outlier among the McCormick boys. You fellas … aren’t the settling down type, apparently.” I try to hide the wistfulness creeping into my voice, both for Matt, and for what could have been, had Hawk not left me that night in the stable. Hawk can see it.

“Parrish, I …”

“What are you kids getting into down here? Don’t you know what time it is? Ooh! Cake!”

Anna’s voice startles both of us as she pads into the kitchen, her fuzzy pink slippers and flannel pajamas covered in roses making her look like a little girl. She yawns as she opens the fridge.

“Why are you awake, Short Stack?” Hawk asks as he pulls out a stool for Anna. She brings the whole cake out of the fridge and starts eating directly from it, and I just roll my eyes as I pull it away from her and cut a proper slice. She sticks her tongue out at me.

“I was watching a movie and then I wanted a snack. Sue me. I’m an adult now, Hawk, whether you realize it or not.”

“She says as she talks to me with a milk mustache,” Hawk says with a laugh.

I stretch and look at the grandfather clock in the breakfast nook. “I should get back upstairs. I have an early morning meeting with Russell about starting the build and I need to get Gracie to her school.”

“I can take Gracie,” Anna says with the fork in her mouth.

“Are you sure? She needs to be dropped off at seven-thirty...”

While Anna and I are hashing out the details of getting Gracie to school, I see that Hawk is watching me, nervously. I finally turn to him and shake my head.

“What? What’s wrong?”

“Maybe I’ll come with you. To the meeting, I mean. It makes sense to have the architect there too, right?” Hawk says, a hearty dose of hesitation in voice like I’ve never heard before. I scrunch up my face in confusion but nod.

“Yeah, you can. You don’t have to if you have other things you could be doing. I’m sure Simone will want to monopolize your time tomorrow, and sitting in on a meeting with the builder isn’t exactly exciting stuff.”

Hawk laughs nervously, awkwardly, and so loudly I think for a second he might wake Gracie up. I gesture at him to take it down a notch.

“I’ll tell Simone to follow dad around tomorrow. I think it’s more important that I be with you.”

The look on his face is serious, and I don’t have the energy to argue. I’m suddenly exhausted, and just want to crawl into bed. “Whatever you want, Hawk. You just take care of it. The meeting is at eight in my office, so just come over a few minutes before.”

I kiss Anna on the top of the head and then turn the corner out of the kitchen to head for my room. As soon as I do, I run square into Simone, who’s standing flush against the wall like a statute. She’s wearing a short, bright pink silk nightgown, and sheer short robe, with no slippers, her long hair is braided and hanging over her shoulder so it intentionally looks messy, but is clearly perfectly coifed.

I clear my throat and try to pretend I didn’t just almost punch her square in the boob.

“Simone! Is something wrong? Did you need some water?” I ask through gritted teeth, while she hides a guilty expression. I can tell she was eavesdropping, I just don’t know for how long.

She waves a dismissive hand at me. “No, nothing. I just couldn’t sleep, so I was up, wandering around. We haven’t really gotten an opportunity to talk, have we, Parrish?”

I am really not in the mood for this, I think as I exaggerate a yawn. “We haven’t, but you’ve been spending a lot of your time with Hawk. And while I’d love to… talk… I have to get some sleep.”

I start to walk away, but Simone grabs my arm, stopping me short. “I’d love to get some time with you, Parrish. To understand what it is you do here.”

I look at her confused, with a raised eyebrow. “I don’t understand. I’m the ranch manager. I take care of everything having to do with McCormick Ranch’s business affairs. It’s not that complicated.”

She shakes her head with a smile. “I understand that’s your title, Parrish. But weren’t you married to the McCormick’s oldest son? I mean, is that really your job? Or is it more of a formality? A courtesy title?”

My jaw drops. “I beg your pardon? Are you implying that I don’t deserve my job?”

“I’m just asking…”

Anna comes skidding around the corner. “Hey! Ho! Ladies. What is going on out here? It’s getting a little loud and I don’t want to have to explain to my father why he was woken up my two women screaming at each other in his living room in the middle of the night.”

I bite my lip. “Nothing, Anna. Nothing is going on. I’m going to bed. Goodnight.”

Then I turn on my heel and stalk up the stairs, and to my room, where I collapse in my bed with a groan. I hate how angry Simone is making me. I hate that I’m letting her get to me at all. But most of all…

I hate that she’s going to be here for the entire stable build.