Hawk

I pull the truck off the two-lane highway that leads to my family’s ranch, and before I drive through the gate, I pull over and take a deep breath. Not only did I forget how much I hate to drive, but I wasn’t expecting to feel so many conflicting emotions about being back here. When I hit the road that lead into Dylan from the interstate, all of my memories of growing up here came flooding back, and I was overcome with nostalgia. And sadness, and guilt. And then I was hit with the realization that Matt wouldn’t be at the ranch when I got there, and it somehow intensified everything. By the time I get to the ranch, I might be having a legitimate panic attack.

So now, I’m just sitting here, taking slow breaths in and out, wondering if it’s too late to turn around and go back to the airport. But then, I hear a horn honking as a truck and trailer pull up next to me. I turn, and it’s my dad, grinning and waving at me. I roll down the window and smile.

“Hey, Pop!”

“My boy! You’re here! I could have picked you up at the airport if you’d told me when you were getting in,” he shouts over the rumbling of his giant pickup.

“It’s fine, I didn’t want you to waste the time driving there and back. Head on in, Dad. I’ll meet you at the house!”

He waves again and drives off, and I take a last deep breath and follow him down the long dirt road that leads through the pastures that surround the ranch. Every marker I pass, a willow tree, a stretch of fence, conjures up another memory of being a kid here. Of growing into a man here. Of not being the man I needed to be for my family, when they needed me most.

I suddenly realize that, all these years, I’ve been really good at stifling down the guilt I felt over leaving, and for not coming back after Matt. But now, it’s washing over me all at once, like a tidal wave.

This is going to be an awesome month, I think as I pull the rental truck up in front of the main house. I don’t even have time to turn it off before I see my mother running out on the front steps, waving and laughing and smiling so happily, it puts a knot in my throat. I get out of the truck, and mom is on me, hugging me and kissing my cheeks before I can even shut the door.

“My baby! You’re home! I’ve missed you so much!” I start laughing as she holds me so tight, I can barely breathe.

“It’s good to see you, mama. I’m sorry I…”

She puts her hand in front of my mouth to stop me from continuing. “It’s all in the past. You just get inside and let your mama get you some food.”

“Mom, I ate on the plane. I really don’t need…”

I don’t have time to finish because I look up, and my sister Anna is standing on the steps to the house, her arms crossed over her chest, scowling at me like she wants to wring my neck. Her bright red hair is flaming in the sunlight, and her eyes are flashing with a rage I don’t think I’ve ever seen in her before.

“Hey, Anna,” I say as I walk up to her.

“Hey, asshole,” she answers, not making a move toward me.

“I deserve that.”

“No kidding,” she says as she surveys me. “You’re too thin. Don’t you eat out there?”

I try to keep my laugh to a minimum, afraid of setting off my spitfire of a sister. “I eat. I’ve missed you, Banana.”

“You could have come home at any time. I can think of a few specifically…”

Dad walks up and stands in between us. “Children. Can we save this for later? Hawk just got here. Let him get settled in, and then you can continue making him feel like hell. Does that seem fair?”

“I guess so. How is four p.m.? Does that work for you, Hawk?” Anna asks with a smirk. I scrub her head as I walk by her into the house, and when I step into the hallway, I’m overwhelmed with memories again. Nothing has changed: the decorations, the paintings, even the flowers my mother arranges in the vases are exactly the same. Dad pats me firmly on the back and points up the stairs.

“Your room is just how you left it. But Gracie and Parrish have their own room in the house now, just for sleepovers, and it’s right next door. So, if we keep Gracie, she may be paying you a visit or two. She likes to crawl out of her bed and wander.”

I try to hide a flinch at the thought of being in the same house with Parrish. “I thought they lived in the carriage house? Why would they need to stay here?”

“What’s it to you, chump?” Anna asks, poking her head out from behind dad. I scrunch up my face and shake my head.

“I was just asking. No need to make a federal case out of it. Where is… Parrish… anyway?” I can see Anna roll her eyes, but luckily dad can’t see her and mom is busying herself with my suitcase.

“She’s in the office, and Gracie is at her little day school. I can’t believe you’re finally going to meet your niece after two years!”

Anna scoffs. “Yeah, it is super hard to get on a plane and fly home when you have suitcases full of money and travel all of the time for work anyway.”

Dad turns around and pops Anna on the back of the head. “Young lady, I’m going to need you to take several huge steps back and readjust your attitude, just so we can all have a pleasant month. If it’s going to be a problem, you can go stay with Parrish in the carriage house and stick to the stables for the rest of the time.”

Anna throws her hands up in the air. “Fine! It’s out of my system. Mostly. But I make no promises.” And then she stomps back out of the house, leaving me along with my parents. They are both grinning at me, staring, like they are waiting for me to perform. I rock back and forth on my heels.

“So… where are the rest of the guys?”

“Your brothers are at a competition in Austin this week. They wanted to be here to greet you but we needed some McCormick faces there to represent the ranch. And I wanted to make sure I was able to help you get started on the plans and everything. But that’s for later! Go get settled in, and maybe after dinner, we can take a stroll around the property. You can reacquaint yourself with the area, since it’s been so long since you were home last,” dad says as he walks me over to the staircase that leads up to the “kid’s” side of the house. I walk slowly up the stairs, away from my grinning parents, and toward the room that I spent my entire childhood in. When I open the door, I swear, my heart stops beating, because my dad was right.

Absolutely nothing has changed.

All of my old posters are still on the wall, my riding trophies are on the shelves, as well as the pictures from sports, and parties, and family events. I sit down on the bed and bounce a few times, amazed that I slept on this single, rock-solid thing for so long. For a second, I think about going and finding a hotel, but then I realize that would devastate my parents, so I set my briefcase down on my old desk and sigh. I walk over to the window and push the curtain aside, looking out over the ranch. I can see the outdoor riding hall next to the stables and then, like a vision, there she is.

Parrish.

She’s riding Moonfire out of the stalls, her long blonde braid bouncing behind her as the gorgeous horse trots on to the course. Even from a distance, I can see how beautiful Parrish still is. She looks exactly like I remember her, and every emotion in the pit of my stomach starts to bubble and ebb like a boiling cauldron. I press my hand to the window, and watch, enraptured, as they start running into a full gallop, and Moonfire leaps over the fence. Just as suddenly as they appeared, they are gone, riding off into the grassy hills at the back of the ranch.

“What are you looking at, you creep?”

I jump a foot in the air, and turn around. Anna is standing in the doorway, holding my luggage and scowling at me.

“Nothing! I’m not… nothing.”

She chucks the suitcase on to the floor and sits down on the bed, smoothing out the quilt underneath her. “You’re not going to be able to avoid her for a month, you know.”

I cross my arms over my chest and turn back to the window. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t lie to me, Hawk Samuel McCormick. I spent my entire childhood following you around like a puppy dog and I know every one of your moods and your attitudes. And I know when you’re lying.”

“I’m not going to avoid her. Just because I’m not rushing out to give her a big how d’ya do and a hug doesn’t mean I’m planning to hide in the bushes whenever I see her. And what does it matter to you, anyway?”

I can hear her incensed scoff from across the room. “Hawk, I know you had your big dreams that didn’t include us, and you get a lot more pleasure out of living the high life in Los Angeles with your models and actresses or whatever than you would from being bored here on the ranch. But don’t for one second thing that just because you ran off and left us, we stopped caring about you. And that applies to everyone here, including the girl you left behind.”

She gets up and walks out, closing the door behind her, and I am left in the exact same place I was the last time I saw Parrish.

The last time I said goodbye.