Chapter 7
Beau
My attempt to forget about last night and how good it had been between us was all in vain. I couldn’t stop thinking about his blond hair, the deer-caught-in-the-headlight look he wore on his face often, and the sight of his naked body, sprawled out beneath me on the bed. I couldn’t forget the taste of his lips and the outline of his mouth pressed against mine.
I felt used by him which was foolish since I had opened up myself willingly for him to use me. Hadn’t I confessed to him I was glad I was the one he experienced his first time with? But, I hadn’t expected him to slink out on me as if he was ashamed of what we had done last night. I wasn’t used to being with a man who was in the closet. All my past relationships had been open, so I had no idea what to make of Gordon.
I didn’t even have his number to phone him. That had been my plan if he had woken me up to walk him out. I’d have asked for his number and given him mine. A few days after, I would casually call him up and ask him out on a date. Maybe then, I would have been able to get back a favor from him. I didn’t just want him for sex. I wanted to know more about the man.
“Mr. Moreau?”
I startled to find the parent before me frowning and her mouth set in a disapproving line. She was clearly offended that I wasn’t responding to her flirting. Even if I weren’t gay, her daughter was standing right there with her in my classroom. She could have at least made the effort to not be so blatant about it.
“Ms. Palmer,” I said to her, basically repeating myself since I had already told her what her daughter’s weakness and strength were. “Rachel needs to complete all her assignments, put in a little bit more effort, and she should do well. She’s just not working to her full potential. I must commend her for her respectful attitude, and she’s always willing to participate in activities.”
Ms. Palmer wasn’t appeased. She looked me up and down, her eyes widening briefly then narrowing. I was pretty sure she had just concluded I was gay. Not because I had the sign printed on my forehead but because it would stroke her ego and explain why I wasn’t responding to her charms. She was a beautiful woman, used to men responding to her charms. Even if she were a male, I still wouldn’t have flirted with her. I had a zero policy for fraternizing with parents and my students, and I had been hit on before by both. That was too much of a complex area that I avoided like the plague. Plus, I was attracted to older men. Excluding parents. No matter how attractive a father looked, once he was a guardian of one of my students, he was immediately off limits.
At least one father so far today had also flirted with me. I’d been polite but kept the subject on his kid who was one of my little geniuses. Even if he weren’t a parent, I probably wouldn’t have noticed him anyway. Gordon consumed my thoughts.
“Thanks for your time,” Ms. Palmer said and turned to her daughter for them to go.
“Thanks for coming to dialogue about…your daughter,” I ended to myself as she had already closed the door on her way out, never minding the door had remained ajar and not closed. The parents who had missed the early rush would be on their way to meet the seven o’ clock cut off period.
For the first time since the conferencing began I was able to breathe. I grabbed the bottle of water on my desk and replenished on my way to reopen the door. My name was printed on the outside, and I was wearing a name tag for parents to be able to identify me. Parent conferencing was the bane of my existence, but it was necessary. It was one of the few times I was able to raise concerns to parents about their students or to congratulate the ones whose children continued to perform brilliantly.
I returned to my desk and flipped my register to tick off the last parent I had seen. Conferencing had started at 4 PM and would go on until 7 PM. I checked my watch and sighed with relief. I had only fifty minutes of torture to go. I didn’t mind the conferencing. What I minded was waiting on parents who never showed up for one conference. The policy was that once parents hadn’t arrived, we had to wait for the entire time but if all parents showed up before 7 PM then we could leave. I had a list of seven parents who I hadn’t seen yet so I doubted I would go any time soon.
While I waited for the next parent to cruise along, I worked on my evaluations for classes I had taught today. For me, these administrative tasks were the hardest part of teaching. Keeping records and documenting everything that happened could seem overwhelming but given the sensitive nature of this job, I didn’t take it lightly. Too many teachers had their downfall because of a lack of evidence if the administrators called them up with particular concerns.
Since I was a gay teacher, I was more conscious that I fulfilled the different roles assigned to me. While I didn’t hide my sexual orientation from the rest of the staff, it wasn’t something I would broadcast in this setting. I figured most teachers probably already guessed I was gay. I kept my personal life separate from my professional life though. The school’s principal could be quite anal and conservative. If left up to him, I might not have been given this position in the first place, but they didn’t have many options when they hired me. Not many people from France wanted to leave home to live in a small town like Lacovia.
One of my students entered the classroom, and I smiled. I liked Charlotte. There was something special about her, although she was not my best student regarding performance. She didn’t always get her homework done, and she had flunked the last test I’d given. She had a hint of sadness about her that reminded me how I had felt being miserable in my abusive relationship with Ian. I wished I could help her or speak to her, but I didn’t want to overstep my boundary as her teacher. The school had a counselor I had raised concerns to about my observations of Charlotte. I had backed off when the counselor simply stated that it was a complicated time for the girl. I didn’t ask what happened neither was I sure I wanted to know.
Some kids tugged at our hearts as teachers, but rules and laws forbade us to offer help. I understood these rules were in place to protect not only the kids but ourselves as well, but it was frustrating at times when you genuinely wanted to reach out and help.
“Hi Charlotte,” I greeted her with a smile then added gently. “You know you can’t represent yourself at a conference.”
Her cheeks turned red, and her fair coloring didn’t hide it when she was embarrassed. I noticed she did that a lot, blushed when I spoke to her. At first, I thought she was just shy, but now I wasn’t so sure if it wasn’t something else, like her having a crush on me. It wasn’t the first time I had to handle students who had a crush on me. It was a normal part of their adolescence, but I always discouraged it at the first signs.
“Hi Mr. Moreau,” she returned, taking a seat at the front and staring at the desk. “My dad is finishing up with my Geography teacher. He should be in any minute now.”
“Okay. Can’t wait to meet him.”
She grimaced. “I know I haven’t performed the best.”
“It’s good you recognize that. Then you can do something about it.”
“Sometimes it’s just so hard to concentrate with everything else that’s going on.”
I nodded my understanding. “But you’ve got to try.”
She expelled a loud breath. “Okay, I will. I wanted to talk to you about the play you are organizing at the community center. Is there- is there any parts left that I could fill?”
I was pleasantly surprised by her request because she was such an aloof girl who didn’t interact much with her classmates. “Yes, we have some minor roles,” I told her. “Of course you’ll have to audition with the rest of the kids who signed up. Can you do that?”
“I think so.”
“Great. Then come over to the community center at five tomorrow, and we’ll have the rest of the auditions.” A man entered the classroom, and I shifted my focus to welcome the newcomer. I rose to my feet, and the greeting stuck in my throat. “Gordon?”
He froze in that all too familiar way of his. He looked good, though tired and his face paled when he saw me. His short hair was tousled like he’d run his fingers through his hair several times throughout the day. Dressed in jeans with a blue shirt tucked into the waistband and hard boots, he didn’t seem like anybody’s dad. His tired look only made him more appealing since it got me thinking about beds and what could be done in them. Or how desks and chairs could be a perfect substitution.
I wanted to ask him why he’d left this morning without waking me. I almost did, but then I remembered Charlotte sitting before us, looking from her dad to me with a confused expression on her face.
“You know my dad?” the teen asked.
“I wouldn’t exactly say know,” Gordon rushed to reply, his eyes burning into mine, begging for secrecy. Did he think I would intentionally out him to his daughter? “We ran into each other once,” he said, turning to Charlotte “How come you didn’t tell me Beau was your teacher?”
“I did,” she answered. “Several times. I even told you this morning about Mr. Moreau and the play.”
But he didn’t know my surname so he would have no idea, and Charlotte’s guardian listed was a woman, Barbara Mattis. I tried to remember if Gordon had mentioned they were divorced or if they were still together. I didn’t remember though I vaguely recalled him talking about being married for eighteen years. I couldn’t be sure. A lot had been said and done that night. My eyes dropped to his fly. A whole lot.
“As I said, we just talked for a short time,” Gordon explained to his daughter, taking the seat beside her. “I barely know the guy.”
It was partially true. We had left off talking to do other things. I wondered how his daughter would take it if she found out her father was gay. Or that he was involved with me. Shit, I slept with a student’s dad. I returned to my seat, feeling hot all of a sudden. This could not be good. The fucking irony of my life had continued. The first man I had slept with since my relationship, and he turned out to be off-limits.
“Well, let’s get this over with,” I remarked, my hand shaking as I shuffled papers I didn’t need. My brain had decided to go on vacation because for the life of me, I couldn’t remember the words I had been parroting to parents all day.
“How’s Charlie doing in school?” Gordon asked. “You’re her French teacher, right?”
I nodded. “That’s right.” I cleared my throat and looked up at him. I wished I hadn’t. I kept seeing him naked on my bedsheets, the rapt look on his face as he nutted in my mouth. From the way he was looking at me, I’d bet I wasn’t the only one thinking about it. I pushed fingers into the top of my necktie and pulled it down to give me room to work the frogs out of my throat. “Did you see her last exam paper?”
“I-I’m not sure,” he answered, scratching the back of his neck.
I turned to Charlotte. “Did you show your father—” I still was struggling to believe he was the father of this child— “your exam paper?”
Charlotte’s guilt-ridden face lowered, and she tugged down the long sleeves of her top to cover her fingers. “I didn’t.”
Gordon turned to her. “Why didn’t you show me?”
She shrugged. “You are always busy dealing with Ollie and stuff.”
Ollie? My interest peaked at the mention of this Ollie fellow who was a part of Gordon’s life. A significant part too based on his daughter’s reaction. I frowned, suspecting I was missing something important here. Ollie couldn’t be the man in Gordon’s life. Last night had been his first.
“Hey.” Gordon squeezed his daughter’s hand. “That’s no excuse not to show me. I know you are used to your mother doing this kind of stuff, but it’s just me now, and I need a little help. So, the next time you get your exam papers, I need to see it.” He turned concerned eyes to me and I wished I could kiss a smile back on his face. He had smiled last night but it didn’t seem like he smiled too often in his real life. Real life? If last night wasn’t real, then what was it? “Is her grade bad?”
“It is,” I answered although I wished I could spare his sadness. “But, it’s not something that’s unfixable. Here, take a look at this. I’ve organized a chart that shows you her performance so far— the assignments she did, what she didn’t hand in, what grade she received, her participation level in class and all the test scores.” I had made a report for each student, and I passed hers to Gordon. He took the paper from me, and our fingers brushed. Heat ran through us, and I glanced up at him. He refused to meet my eyes as he sat back down in his seat to peruse the performance chart. I gave him a few minutes to go over the chart while I worked on making it through the next couple of minutes.
Charlotte must have sensed the disappointment in her father because she asked to be excused to use the restroom. I almost begged her to stay, not wanting to be left alone with her father, but imagined how suspicious she would be if I insisted she stayed. It was already bad enough that I’d called out Gordon’s name. If I hadn’t, she wouldn’t have known that Gordon and I had met before. There wouldn’t have been any explanation necessary.
Just act professional. No one needs to know how thirsty you are for Gordon right now. I can do this. I can fake it.
“Jesus, these grades are horrible!” Gordon exclaimed. “And it’s every single subject. How didn’t I know this?”
“For French, the problem is her inconsistency,” I explained. “Some of her grades are high, when she bothers to do the work and spends time on it, but she’s easily distracted. Often she drifts off while I’m teaching.” I hesitated, wondering if Gordon knew how much hurt his daughter seemed to be going through. If his wife had divorced him because he finally told her he was gay, I could see how his daughter could be affected by it.
“I feel like such a fucking failure!” he declared, his words laced with anger. “Sorry, about the swearing.”
“It’s fine,” I reassured him. “And I’m sure you’re not a failure as a father. Just do the best you can.”
“I thought I was, but now it’s clear my best is not good enough” He got to his feet and started pacing. “I’ve a son shoplifting and a daughter who’s failing her classes. If that’s not failure, then I don’t know what is?”
His heartbroken question tugged at my emotions. I couldn’t help myself. I stood and walked over to him. I rested my hand on his shoulder and squeezed, temporarily forgetting that I was his daughter’s teacher, forgetting that he’d sneaked out of my apartment this morning and probably had no desire to see me again. All that came second to the way he was feeling, and my need to offer him comfort.
“It’s not easy for kids to lose a parent,” I said softly. “Give yourself some credit. You showed up, which some parents won’t. It’s obvious you love your children. You know your shortcomings, and we all have them, so work on it. You may make mistakes, but I believe you’ll eventually get the hang of it.”
He stared at me, looking miserable. “How can you be so sure?”
“Because even though we don’t know each other very well, I can already tell that you’re an amazing man.” Let it go. Let it go, Beau. “Maybe one who sneaked out of my apartment even though he promised to wake me, but an amazing man nonetheless.”
His face went red, and he hung his head in regret. “Beau.”
I heard talking approach us and quickly separated myself from him just as Ms. Palmer returned to the classroom. She glanced from Gordon to me, and I held my breath, wondering if we looked guilty.
“Ms. Palmer, what can I do for you?” I asked her, increasing the distance away from Gordon.
She looked away from Gordon to me. “Um, I thought I left my coat in here.” From the redness of her cheeks, there was no truth to that statement. She had come to check if I was still alone. Did the woman not know how to take a hint? Would I have to explicitly tell her how gay I was?
“I don’t recall you wearing a coat when you stopped by earlier Ms. Palmer,” I told her in a stern voice. “If you indeed were wearing one before, you must have left it elsewhere.”
She looked as though she wanted to say something else but glanced at Gordon, nodded and left again. I couldn’t wait for her kid to move up a grade, so I didn’t have to deal with her anymore. That woman was looking for trouble.
“I should go,” Gordon said, heading towards the door as well. “Thanks for the talk. I’ll try to be a better dad from now on and pay more attention to her work.”
I felt a mini-panic coming on that he was leaving again. Just like that. I wanted to stop him, but it wasn’t my place to do so. I was only here talking to him in the capacity of his daughter’s teacher. By his actions or lack thereof, he didn’t want me to play any other role.
“It was nice meeting you, Mr. Mattis,” I said and because I couldn’t help myself, added, “Again.”
He paused at the door, his back to me. I had given him the opening to respond in kind. He looked over his shoulder at me, his eyes full of regret. With a nod, he walked away, and I closed my eyes, trying to convince myself this was for the best anyway. I couldn’t break my rule and sleep with a student’s father. At least, not knowingly.
No matter how much I wanted to.