Chapter 27
Beau
Just a second away from chewing my nails down to the skin, I parked the car in the staff parking area and switched off the engine. I remained seated, a little disoriented. I was still trying to come to grips with everything spinning out of control. The video of Gordon and me kissing should have never existed. Now both of us were facing problems in our individual lives which had placed an insurmountable strain on our relationship. I had yet to hear from Gordon since I sent him the link to the video yesterday. He had sent me one text in the night that Ollie was still not home, and he was worried, but he didn’t take my calls. I’d eventually given up, a little pissed that he was shutting me out. I was trying to exercise patience, but he wasn’t the only one affected. I was pretty sure I would feel the brunt of that video today.
I was about to get out of the car when my phone chimed. I retrieved it from my messenger bag, relieved to find it was Gordon. I didn’t bother to think about him ignoring my calls last night. I swiped the phone to answer it.
“Hey, how are you?” I greeted him.
“I didn’t sleep a wink last night,” he answered, and he sounded like it. “How about you?”
“I got some but not nearly enough,” I answered. I’d fallen asleep only to wake up in the middle of the night, conscious of the lack of Gordon’s presence. I had become so used to him slipping into my bed at all hours of the night and pulling me into him.
“Ollie is still not home,” he stated. “I tried looking for him last night. I checked at his friends’ home.” I heard the hitch in his voice.
“What happened?”
“I’ve never had so many doors slammed in my face before,” he replied. “I could see the disgust on people’s faces. People who I knew my whole life.”
“I swear I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with people!” I blew up because I was getting annoyed at people allowing our relationship to affect them. We didn’t care what the hell they did in their bedrooms so why were they so bothered by what we did in ours? “It’s not right for them to treat you that way.”
“What can I do about it?”
I wished I had the answers, but I didn’t. “I don’t know, Gordon.”
“And there’s something else.”
I stiffened, waiting for it. I just knew what he was going to say. “Go on.”
“Given the way things are at the moment with my kids, I think it might be a good idea to stop seeing each other for a while.”
I knew the words were coming but hearing them was a different story. I blinked away the tears and sucked in a deep breath. So, it wasn’t the first time I would be heartbroken. I could do this. What did it matter that I fucking loved him more than anyone else I’d ever come in contact with?
“Beau, you okay?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I lied.
“Then why the hell do I feel like I'm ripping my own fucking heart out?”
“Don’t say things like that, okay? It only makes it harder.”
“This is not forever,” he said, but he sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than for my benefit. “Just until things settle down. Things will work out. It has to.”
“Yeah, they will.” But they were just empty words. I was worried I’d already lost him. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t help feeling disheartened at his kids for not loving him enough to look past what they considered to be a flaw. If they were okay with his relationship, I felt Gordon would have an easier time being with me. I couldn’t imagine how he felt knowing his kids didn’t support him.
“I’m sorry your kids are a pain in the ass,” I told him.
“Yeah, but they are my pain, and right now I have to ensure they are both fine. I’ve to put them first.”
“Then do what you have to.” And because I was getting all choked up, I added. “I’ve to go. I’m at work.”
“Okay. Well, I guess this is goodbye then?”
I couldn’t answer so I hung up on him. “Shit.” I wished he would have called me before I arrived at work. What the hell was I going to do with all these emotions while dealing with dozens of kids, one of who had ruined my relationship? I wished I could back up on through the school’s gate and drive away until my tank was on E. I wasn’t too particular about where it led me.
I reigned in my emotions as duty called. I grabbed my messenger bag, exited the car and shut the door. I placed my phone on vibrate and crossed the parking lot to the front doors of the school. The hairs on the back of my neck stood as the whispers, snickers, and finger-pointing began but I was determined to get through it all.
The same behavior from the students continued all day. I ignored it and went on with my classes as usual. Even though the whispers continued, I received no outright defiance or challenges from the students. In some cases, they were even quieter than usual. I received two notes from parents requesting that their children be removed from my class to another. Helpless to do anything about it, I simply signed on the dotted line.
I was relieved when it was time for recess, and I could take my hour lunch break. Happier still that today I wasn’t on cafeteria duty, I made my way to the teacher’s lounge.
“What a day!” I exclaimed, feeling free to let my shoulders slump and allow my energy to drop. It had taken everything out of me to maintain the morning sessions, and I was looking forward to reenergizing myself for part two.
I paused when I noticed the conversation going on in the lounge promptly stopped. No one met my eyes. There were no ready smiles like I was used to getting. They had obviously been discussing me.
I brought my lunch over to the table where Chuck Taylor was sitting. Before I could say hi, he was on his feet and hightailing it out of the lounge. I felt myself getting red in the face. Even if kids’ reactions weren’t right, the adults always came off more of a jackass. Before I could say anything unfavorable to one of them, I fled to the bathroom. Once inside, I blew out a long breath, as my heart thudded in my chest. Anxiety was something I had outgrown as a child and had only returned briefly during my stint with Ian.
I leaned over the vanity and splashed cold water on my face. I was beginning to calm down when the door pushed open. I glanced up to see the Physics instructor, James Raynor walk inside.
“You okay, man?” he asked. “You look messed up.”
“I’ll be fine,” I answered.
He leaned against the vanity beside me. “Look, don’t pay them any mind. People can be dicks about things they don’t understand.”
I smiled at him gratefully. Finally, someone who still had their faculties in working order. “You’ll never know how much I needed to hear that.”
“You need a friend to talk to, I’m always around,” he remarked and reached a hand to squeeze my shoulder. “I mean that. You can come to me at any time.”
My smile dropped a little and twitched. He still held onto my shoulder, and his squeeze turned into a caress, a little massage. “Thanks for the offer,” I sputtered out, too surprised to react. On the one hand, he was the only one willing to try to understand my situation, but on the other, he was making me uncomfortable.
“Good.” He finally released my shoulder, and I silently exhaled, pushing out the breath I had been holding. “See that you do.” He winked at me and turned to leave. Shocked, as his hand fished between my legs and cupped my groin, I couldn't move. He squeezed before he released and walked out. I was too stunned at the unexpected move that I couldn't even voice a protest. I never expected this from him, and not from anyone at the school. I’d been groped in the locker room before as a teen, but never as an adult had I been touched in such a manner without my permission. Except for Ian. I clung to the sink, my anxiety returning full force. My vision dimmed, and I clutched the edge of the vanity, trying to ground myself.
Now wasn’t the time to freak out. I concentrated on Gordon’s face and how happy we had been the night he had dropped by the community center. Slowly my vision returned to normal but left me feeling weak. I locked myself into one of the cubicles, partly terrified that James would return. I didn't wish anyone to see me so frazzled.
After a good half an hour in the bathroom, I left feeling almost back to normal. My stomach was still too upset to eat, so I threw away the sandwich I had brought with me for lunch. I didn’t speak to anyone, not even James who ignored me now that he was with the rest of the staff.
I never thought a day would come when I would prefer my classroom over spending time with my co-workers, chatting in the lounge. Why were they even shunning me now that they apparently knew I was gay? I might not have talked about it, but anyone with a functioning pair of eyes would know how gay I was.
The first session after recess, I was teaching, and everything was going fine until I caught students passing around notes to each other in the class. I confiscated the piece of paper and read what it said. The message was so graphic I had to stop teaching to address the situation before it got more out of hand. Coupled with being felt up against my will in the bathroom, I had had enough for one day.
“I don’t want to know the original sender of this note,” I remarked, leaning against my desk. “But I’ll facilitate any conversation you may have on what you may have heard.”
“Heard? We watched the video,” a pimple-faced youth from the back whispered in a voice loud enough for me to hear, and for those around him to snicker.
“And I’m guessing you have a problem with the video?” I asked.
“I think we should have a right not to be taught by someone who’s gay,” another student, Caleb answered.
Though disappointed in his response, I nodded to acknowledge that I had heard his point. “And can you explain why?” I asked him. “Will you gain any less knowledge from someone because they are gay?”
He shrugged, unable to reply, but because I didn’t want to delve too much into the video, I decided to wrap the conversation up, and hoped they had learned a little that their thought with regards to me, and my ability to teach them was as bad as their fake French accents. “The truth is that my preference does not affect my ability to teach you. If you learn any less than what you did before, it's because you are refusing to pay attention because you want to use the excuse that I'm gay. My methods have not changed. I'm the same Mr. Moreau who taught you, and you got your As and Bs.”
The bell rang then announcing the end of class. They all filed out of the classroom, moving quickly. One student, Adam Lacove remained behind.
“Is there something I can do for you, Adam?” I asked him.
He glanced around him first then nervously pulled at his bag strap. “I just want you to know I think you’re awesome. You don’t care what people say about you, and I wish I were able to do that.”
My heart hurt to see him struggling so. I could see how miserable he looked on the outside. Defeated. A gay kid shouldn’t have to feel this way ever. “Thank you, Adam.” I was careful in my next words to him. “You must always be proud of who you are. Never let anyone make you feel like a second-class citizen.”
“Do you think I should tell my parents I’m gay?” he asked at the same time the classroom door pushed open and the Principal entered. He glanced at the student, having heard enough of what the boy had said.
“Young man, get to your class immediately,” he ordered the boy who had gone so white, I feared he would collapse from the fear of having his secret exposed. The Principal slammed the door shut behind the student. “What the hell do you think you’re doing, Moreau?”
“I was teaching and—”
“I knew I shouldn’t have hired you,” he spat at me. “If only I had followed my gut. I will not let you corrupt these students and turn them into deviants.”
I straightened my shoulders and lifted my chin. “With all due respect, sir I do not consider myself a deviant. How can I be a deviant if this is what I am?"
“I’ve no interest in your definitions,” he said. “What interests me is you talking to kids about a sensitive manner which isn’t within your jurisdiction to speak on.”
“The student came to me, Principal McLean” I explained. “I couldn’t in all good faith turn him away.”
“By all means, turn every one of them away,” he snapped. “You have no moral soundness to speak to any of our children on this issue. I’d long since suspected there was something queer about you, but I’d hoped you would be sensible enough to keep it quiet. Now that it’s out in the open, we have to take disciplinary matters into our hands.”
“Disciplinary matters?” I echoed, fear seizing me. My worst fears were coming through. “For what? I’ve done nothing wrong.”
“Tell that to the parents who kept ringing my phone all day, requesting their children be pulled from your class.”
“But that’s so foolish. How does my sexual orientation hinder my ability to teach? How does this affect the knowledge I have to impart?”
“This is a private institution, Mr. Moreau,” he explained. “Parents are the foundation of it all. If the parents want you to go, unfortunately, there won’t be much we can do for you.”
I tried not to show how affected I was by his news. “What kind of disciplinary actions will you take? I’ve not violated any of the terms of my contract.”
“I did warn you that in signing your contract you agreed to uphold the moral integrity of this fine institution,” he remarked. “I also advised you what you did in privacy was of no concern to us. Too bad you couldn’t keep what you are private, Mr. Moreau. Frankly, I find it distasteful and an abomination. If it were up to me, I’d have you dismissed immediately. Unfortunately, all I can do at the moment is to place you on administrative leave with pay pending our discussion of this matter.”
“You can’t do this!” I protested, the blood draining from my face. “This is my career we are talking about. You're discriminating against me because of my sexual orientation.”
“You call it discrimination. We call it teaching our children high moral values. If you have a problem, you can hand in your resignation. Or, you’ll be given your say during the hearing proceedings. Until then, Mr. Moreau, clear out your space. We’ll call to inform you of your hearing.”
For the second time today, I was shocked into silence. Principal McLean headed for the door and glanced back at me. “If I were you, I’d be on the first flight back to France. The folks around here won’t take too kindly to someone like you teaching their kids.” He scowled. “Now I’ve some damage control to do.”
When he left, I sank onto my chair. My disbelief evaporated, and rage took its place. Dismissing me because of my sexual orientation was not right and they wanted to lecture me on morals? They couldn’t dismiss me for my sexuality. I had done nothing wrong. My conduct at the institution had always been stellar. I couldn’t let them get away with firing me for no just reason. Yet, I knew my contract would have me doomed. I was not open to representation because I was not allowed the same privileges as an in-state teacher.
Frustrated, I packed up my belongings. I had to leave now, but I wouldn’t just go without a fight. I enjoyed my job. I loved teaching these kids, and I deserved to work in the profession of my choice regardless of the fact that I was gay. Nobody should have that power to take that right from me because they didn’t agree with my lifestyle choice which wasn’t harming anyone.