11
Adam
Carson and Keaton were already in the dressing room when Gray brought us in. It was funny seeing Pacey in my life again. Carson was smoking a cigarette creating a white haze.
It was late now, way past midnight.
“What do you think of that chick I was talking to?” Carson asked, taking a puff of his cigarette.
“Hot,” Keaton said.
“I think you should go for it,” Gray added.
I hadn’t even been paying attention to who they were referring to. For some reason, I had a great time just talking to Pacey.
Pacey was leaning against the wall, away from the rest of the group like he didn’t belong or something. He was looking up at the blank ceiling, then at the exit door. There was something on his mind.
Gray pulled out five shot glasses and poured the expensive Cognac he was talking about it into them. I grabbed the tallest shot glass, and brought it to my nose, taking in the smell of the sweet, sweet poison.
I handed another one to Pacey who hesitated to take it but eventually did.
We clinked the glasses together, some of the Cognac spilled on my shirt, as I shut my eyes and took the shot. It went down smoother than expected.
“Woo,” Gray said, pumping his fists together like the Incredible Hulk.
The room started to spin a bit, and I leaned back in the chair to steady myself.
Gray pulled out the cocaine. He dangled it in the light like he was about to perform a magic trick and make it disappear.
“You’re an animal,” I laughed.
“I’m fucking pumped, this is going to be fire,” Gray said.
He poured the contents on the table and pulled out his black American Express credit card to cut up some lines. The white powder glistened like crystals.
“Who wants to go first?” Gray asked.
“I’ll go,” Carson stood up, and pulled out a fifty dollar bill and rolled it tightly into a straw.
He inhaled the line on the table, then handed the bill to Keaton who did the same. Their eyes lit up as they snorted the drugs into their bodies.
“Feels good, huh?” Gray said.
The boys nodded.
Gray handed me the bill, and I shook my head. “Not tonight, man. I’m good already.”
“What do you mean you’re good? Come on, do it for the boys,” Gray said.
I shook my head again. I could see Pacey in my periphery, and he looked as pale as a ghost. I didn’t want him to have to take care of me again.
“When did you get so soft, man?” Carson asked, his pupils were dilated like two black holes.
“I’m not, man. Don’t ask me again. I don’t want to do it tonight,” I said.
I hated how they were trying to get me to do something that I really didn’t want to partake in.
“Alright, your turn then,” Gray reached his arm out to hand over the bill to Pacey.
I pushed his hand away. “He’s good, man. Pacey doesn’t do this kind of stuff. He’s straight edged.”
“Straight-edged? He doesn’t look very straight to me,” Gray laughed.
I felt my blood boil. My jaw tightened and my fist clenched.
“Watch your mouth, dude,” I stepped towards him.
Keaton quickly stood up and got between us. His still-burning cigarette almost touched my chest when he pushed me back.
I felt Pacey’s hand on my arm, he gave me a light tug like he would to an overly excited Pitbull on a leash.
It brought me out of my trance and I took a breath.
“It’s cool, Adam,” Pacey whispered.
I thought back to the time in high school when people would pick on Pacey for being an outcast. I knew we were both twenty-four now, grown up. But there was still an instinct to protect him.
Pacey was a quiet guy which made people think it was okay to talk shit and not have any repercussions.
I shook Pacey’s hand off me and backed up.
Gray had a smile on his face as if he was happy to get a reaction out of me. Then, he lowered onto the table and snorted the remaining three lines.
Gray let out a howl that sounded primal. “Could play another show right now.”
He was not the same guy I knew a few years back, before all the drugs. I remember the evening when we were introduced to it by Simon, our own producer, who was supposed to be the role model.
Gray had been sick on tour, and we had already had to cancel a show because of it, so Simon gave him some cocaine as a pick me up.
Since then, Gray has been hooked.
“What’s gotten into you Adam?” Gray asked, staring right into my eyes. “It must be bedtime for you, someone needs a nap.”
I could have done many things then. The voice in my head, fueled by alcohol, wanted me to punch him square in the jaw. I wanted to fire back a comment to get him to punch me first.
It wasn’t the first time we got into an argument or a fist fight.
“Aww, this is a good tune,” Pacey said. “Let’s head back to the party.”
I knew he didn’t actually like that song, he was all about that classical shit. But I knew he was trying to get me to leave the situation before I did something I’d regret.
“Yeah, let’s head back into the other room, we’ll see you guys in a bit,” I said, taking his hint.
The boys nodded, including Gray, whose eyes were dazed, zoning into a spot on the floor. I could tell he was fucked out of his mind.
As I left, I grabbed my denim jacket and the baseball cap that was on the chair and walked out of there. I pulled the hat low, covering my eyes, not wanting to deal with anyone else that night.
“Care if we head outside for a smoke?” I asked Pacey, who was walking behind me.
He nodded.
We followed the red exit sign to the back of the building. The late November air felt like razor blades against my face.
I pulled out a Marlboro and handed the pack to Pacey who declined. We huddled behind a stack of wooden skids while I tried to light my cigarette.
“You’re not a huge fan of Gray, eh?” He said.
I took a long drag from the cigarette, the rush of the nicotine sobered me up a tiny bit. “He’s an alright guy, just going through a rough time, I guess.”
“Band problems?”
“His mom passed recently, and since then he’s been doing a lot more drugs to numb his pain I guess. It doesn’t help that our manager gives it to him for free.”
“That’s hard, have he and you always butt heads like that?”
“I’ve always felt tense around him. We’re like two bulls fighting for territory. He mentioned once that he doesn’t like how crazy I get on stage—something about how he wants me to tone it down. But that’s how I perform, and I’m the lead singer and the guitarist. It’s my job to own the show. I’m not going to change the way I perform just because he thinks I should.”
“You think he’s a bit jealous? That you get all the attention?” Pacey asked.
“Possibly, if it bothers him that much, he can leave the band. It’s not like we have this lifelong bond with each other. The band was manufactured by Simon. The whole Kingdom 4 brand was put together like an assembly line. Vocals and guitar—check. Bassist—check. Drummer—check. It’s phony as fuck, and we sell our band like it was created organically. It’s fucked up, I hate it,” I took another long drag from my cigarette feeling the bitterness fill my lungs.
“That’s kind of how the Symphony Orchestra is set up, we’re all a piece to the whole. All the instruments together become the music.”
“Right, and that’s fine. But you guys don’t try to act like you’re all childhood friends who decided to form an orchestra one day.”
“I get it, man.”
I saw Pacey shivering in the coldness, and I wrapped my arms around him casually to warm him up.
“I bet you’re still vegan,” I said.
He turned and gave me a look. “You still remember?”
“Of course, I do. I remember all those times we ordered pizza on Friday nights. All you could eat were the breadsticks dipped in marinara sauce. You need some meat in you, vegans don’t have any body fat. How do you expect to keep warm in this cold ass city?”
He shrugged under my arms. “Eating meat isn’t sustainable.”
I laughed. “Yeah, well it won’t matter if you freeze to death and become an icicle. Look at you, you’re teeth are rattling like a lawnmower.”
I felt his thin coat between my fingers. “You need at least a down jacket in this weather.”
“Have you ever seen a video of how the way they treat animals in geese farms, it’s so inhumane,” Pacey said, still shivering.
“God, you sound like a typical liberal hippie who’s trying to save the world. Look, the world is already fucked and there’s nothing you can do to save it.”
“That’s a grim way to look at it.”
“It’s grim, but it’s the truth.”
I pulled his rigid body closer to warm him up, and I felt the intensity of his shivering body diminish.
I didn’t care how awkward it was that I was holding another dude in my arms. This guy saved me in an alleyway, and I still owed him for all the times he saved me in the past.