14
Pacey
Having Adam back at my place, touching my things, wasn’t as bad as I thought.
I thought he would have become a different person from his success and all the attention he got. But it was as if we picked up where we left off six years ago, right before things crashed and burned between us.
We walked along the coastline of the beach, right on the edge of where the water met the sand.
I hadn’t seen the beach this empty in a long time. A few months ago, there were people laying out tanning in early October since it was such a hot year.
It was not the case that day, winter had definitely arrived.
Adam’s phone rang suddenly, breaking the peaceful silence of our walk. He pulled his phone out of the back pocket of his jeans. When I glanced over, I saw that it was a call from his mom.
He let it ring a few times while looking at his screen, as if he was contemplating if he wanted to answer it.
“You going to pick it up?” I asked.
He continued to let it ring until it finally stopped. “Nah, she’s probably just wondering where I am.”
“So...shouldn’t you let her know?”
“I could, but I feel like she’d want something from me. I’m…kind of having a nice time here. This place is nice,” he said, kicking some snow and sand as the wind blew it forward.
“That’s cool. Is…she doing alright?” I asked.
“What do you mean by alright?”
“You know...off the drugs and stuff.”
“She’s stopped with the needles six years ago when she decided to be my manager. Pain pills? I’m not so sure. I think she’s off them, but we don’t really talk about it.”
“And she’s still single, right?”
“No, she met Simon, the producer who discovered me and put the band together. Since they met, she’s been really happy. I think she’s waiting for him to propose to her.”
“So he’d essentially…be your step-dad?”
“Yeah, that’s weird to think about,” Adam said, with his gaze set out into the water.
“How do you feel about that?” I asked.
“I’m not sure, I mean, he’s definitely not perfect. Sometimes, he gets really sleazy, and when my mom’s not around, he talks about some of the women he works with. But at the same time, my mom seems happier than she’s been in a while, and I’d hate for her to fall back into that black hole again.”
“I remember how bad things got with her,” I said, thinking back to the times when we were teenagers.
“I remember when you were with me after school one day. I’d forgotten some music at my place and I was too embarrassed to let you see where I actually lived.”
I recalled that day vividly.
We ended up going together to Adam’s apartment that day. It was a one-bedroom apartment in a run-down social housing complex.
There was a man who Adam had never seen before. He was shirtless and smoking a cigarette. He was sprawled out on the couch, obviously tweaking on some drugs.
Adam’s mom wasn’t even at home then. Needles were left everywhere, with no attempt to hide them from plain sight.
Dishes were piled up in the kitchen, and every piece of furniture was stained. I couldn’t believe that Adam lived in that mess. Adam got what he needed and when we finally got out of there, he couldn’t even look me in the eyes.
“I told my parents that evening after dinner,” I said. “And that’s when my parents started to invite you over to dinner more. Eventually, they let you stay over in my room most nights of the week. You were happier and it was nice to have someone there for me as well.”
“I didn’t know you told your parents,” Adam said. “I always thought we hung out because we were making so much music together.”
“Well, that too. But I had to tell them, it wasn’t a good environment to grow up in.”
We reached the end of the coast where the sand transitioned to large grey rocks.
We climbed onto them. Cadence led the way, creating the path for us as we moved upwards.
“Honestly, I’d always been thankful that we became friends. I feel like if I had stayed at home with my mom every single night, things might have turned out differently today. Your parents were like real parents to me.”
“It’s cool, Adam. You were like a brother I never had. My parents were more than happy to take you in, and they still ask about you today.”
“Really?” He asked modestly. “What do they ask about?”
“They ask if we still talk, and how you’re doing. But I told them that I had no clue. They always asked me to reach out to you but I never did,” I said.
I looked down to try and pick which rock to climb on to next.
“Why didn’t you?” Adam asked.
“I always thought you were too busy. I saw you everywhere, man. Your face was all over the city, your voice on every radio station. Who was I to just call you up one day and ask how you were doing...and why didn’t you call me?”
“I didn’t know how you would feel after we stopped being friends. I didn’t know if I made the right decision to go to Los Angeles. When I finally figured it out, it was too late. Too much time had passed,” he said, turning to look at me.
He stopped talking to let me respond. But I didn’t know what to say. It was too much information to take in all at once.
“I’d love to reconnect with your parents though,” Adam continued. “Do you know when the next time you’ll see them is?”
“They’ll be at my next show, this Thursday evening, if you’re free I can get you a ticket.”
“Really? That’d be awesome, I’d love to watch you perform,” he said.
“Cool, I can get you a ticket. After all, you did get one for me.”
We reached the top of the rocks, the wind was so strong that it nearly pushed us off.
Adam and I got a panoramic view of all the beach houses facing the beach and the water. The overcast sky washed away the contrast of the usual colorful facades on the strip. We stood there and enjoyed the view until our hands and faces got too cold.
I hooked Cadence back on the leash and we walked back down the one-way road towards my place.
The street was still void of cars and people. It had been like this all morning and afternoon despite it being a Saturday.
People were in their homes keeping warm that day.
A young family was at their dining table enjoying an early dinner. Down a few more houses, an elderly couple was curled up on their couch watching television. Then, we saw an artist painting by his living room window.
I couldn’t remember the last time I spent so much time with another person.
With Adam, it was like I was a teenager again. I didn’t have any anxiety about being that close and intimate like I usually did with other people.
We finally arrived. The heat inside my house stung my frostbitten cheeks.
Adam kicked his boots off and sprawled on the couch, there was snow sprinkled on the brim of his baseball cap.
I kicked off my boots as well and took off my jacket. I joined him on the couch, trying to catch my breath from the long walk.
My arm brushed up against his arm, and he didn’t seem to mind. The heat coming from his body felt good.
I remembered how good it felt last night to have him wrap his arms around me to warm me in the cold. I wanted him to do it again.
I hadn’t noticed that Adam was looking at me until I turned towards him, our faces were inches apart.
His stubble had grown out a bit more since yesterday, making him seem even more rugged. His eyes as crisp and blue as the icy cold water out on the beach. His lips were pink and slightly chapped from the wind.
The cold numbed every part of my body except my heart...which was burning for Adam.
I looked into this gorgeous eyes. Memories of all the times we were together played like a loop.
He was more grown up now.
But there was still that soft kindness in his eyes that he rarely showed to anyone else. A kindness that made me feel safer than being in my own home. A kindness that made me see the good in humanity.
It made my body shake, wishing that we could be more than friends.
Adam continued to look at me, his eyes moved down to my lips, and I wondered what he was thinking. His brows were furrowed, it was a pained expression, which made me feel it in me too.
Take me, and kiss me, I wanted to scream.
I wanted to feel his lips on mine for the first time, the same lips that I had been yearning for most of my life. The same ones that made me wonder what it would feel like to kiss a real man. Kiss someone who has touched the whole world with his beautiful voice.
He inched closer, and I shut my eyes, hopeful that it might actually happen.
Then, the silence was once again broken by his phone ringing.
His body jerked back as he pulled out his phone. This time, it was from Simon. He answered it.
“Hello?” He said, sounding annoyed.
There was talking on the other end. A woman’s voice. His mom, maybe.
“Okay, what time?” Adam replied. “I’ll be there in a bit. Relax, I’m not dead.”
He hung up the phone and got up off the couch. It felt like someone had ripped the blanket off my body in the middle of the most beautiful dream.
“I…have to go, Pace. There’s a meeting with the band at the hotel.”
“You want me to call you an Uber?” I asked.
Adam was already halfway to the door, shoving his feet into his boots. What was the rush?
“Don’t worry about it, I’ll catch a taxi on the street,” he said.
“There are no taxis out there, didn’t you see when we were outside?”
“I’ll walk a bit. Don’t worry, man. I’ll be fine. I’ll catch you around,” he said, with a tight grin. “Later.”
“How about the con—” before I could finish my sentence, he opened the front door, letting in a swirl of wind and snow inside, then the door slammed shut. “—concert.”
Silence.
I looked out my window and watched him glance both ways. He wasn’t even sure which way to walk. Eventually, he headed in the direction towards the main street.
His steps quickened to a jog, then a full sprint, until he disappeared from view.
As quickly as he came back into my life, he’d left. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever see him again, knowing how Adam loved to just vanish without a trace.
I wondered if he really meant it when he said he wanted to come see me perform.
I laid back on the couch and looked up at my ceiling.
I felt like a fool, thinking that I’d actually get what I wanted in life. A fool to believe that Adam, frontman of Kingdom 4, would kiss me.
I let out a laugh, and Cadence came up and licked my nose to see if I was okay.
Why did it have to be this difficult?
Why was the only thing I ever wanted in life so hard to get?
And after what Adam did to me six years ago, why did I still want him?
Those had been questions that I avoided at all cost. Each time it resurfaced, I’d go to my harp or my piano and play until my fingers went numb.
But what was I really avoiding?