Five years later…
“Can I get you something to drink Miss?” I look up at the flight attendant as she puts her hand tenderly on my shoulder. She’s been very attentive and I’m sure it’s because she can tell I’m a total wreck, even though I’ve been trying to hide it.
“A rum and 7-up please,” I say quietly. Right now anything with alcohol would be welcome to try and calm my rattled nerves.
“Let me know if I can get you anything else,” she smiles kindly.
I shakily make my drink and take a hefty sip, hoping this will calm the fear coursing through me. Laying my head back, I close my eyes and think back to my phone conversation with Kayla that happened less than 10 hours ago.
I had just walked in the door from getting groceries when my cell phone started ringing. Putting the bags on the table I pull my cell out of my purse, smiling at the picture of Kayla and I on the screen. I answer while heading back to the car, “Hey Kayla, can I call you back in a few minutes? I’m just bringing groceries in.”
There’s a few seconds of silence.
“Julia,” Kayla whispers fearfully and I can tell she’s crying. I freeze in my place.
“Kayla? Are you ok? What is it, what’s wrong?”
“I’m so sorry Julia, it’s Jaxson, something’s happened.”
Instantly my legs give out and I drop to my knees in front of my house.
“No!” I whisper brokenly.
“Julia, listen, he’s alive but I think he’s hurt pretty bad,” I can hear the worry in her voice.
“What’s happened? Where is he?”
“I don’t know much and Coop is gonna kill me when he finds out I’m telling you. The only reason I know is because I was with him when he got the phone call last night. He must be Jaxson’s emergency contact. All Coop knew was that Jaxson was on a rescue mission that went bad. He was captured with two others from his team. They were held prisoner and, before you ask, I have no idea where or how long. He’s at a hospital in Germany. It sounded like he was in rough shape but I don’t know how bad it is. Cooper left at six this morning to go see him. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner but Jaxson wanted this kept from you and I had to make sure Coop was gone before I told you. I think you have a right to know.”
I sit stunned, trying to absorb everything Kayla has just told me. With my heart racing, I place a hand to my stomach feeling like I’m going to be sick.
“I’m going. I need to see him Kayla. I don’t care if he wants me there or not.”
She lets out a heavy breath, “I was afraid you were going to say that. I’ve already looked at flight options for you and there’s one that leaves in 6 hours. Do you think you can make that? The next one isn’t for a few days.”
“Yes. Can you book me please?” I rush into the house and start throwing things in my suitcase.
“I’m booking it as we speak. I’ll be there soon to help you pack then I’ll drive you to the airport.”
I love this girl so much, I don’t know what I would do without her. “Thanks Kayla, for everything. I’ll try to smooth things over with Coop for you when I get there.”
“You’re welcome, and don’t worry about Cooper, I’ll deal with him. He’s gonna be spittin’ mad but he’ll forgive me eventually. You deserve to know.”
After that she gives me my flight info and tells me how much I owe. I wince knowing I’ll have to spend a hefty portion of my savings but I don’t care. Jaxson is worth every penny.
Oh God please let him be ok.
I get pulled back to the present when the elderly gentlemen next to me asks a question.
“Are you going to Germany for business or pleasure sugar?” he winks giving me a flirtatious grin. I try to return a smile but don’t have much luck.
“Neither actually. I’m going to visit a friend who’s in the hospital there.”
He must see the worry on my face because his flirtatious demeanor changes. Looking at me somberly he surprises me when he asks, “A soldier?”
“Close, a Navy Seal. How did you know?”
“I’m an ex-Marine. I’ve had to visit a few of my men in Germany a time or two.” His expression darkens for a moment, “How bad is he? Never mind, that was rude of me to ask.”
“It’s alright. Actually I’m not sure how bad he is. I haven’t talked to him, he doesn’t even know I’m coming.”
He lets out a low whistle then tries to lighten the mood. “If he’s a Seal he must have a pretty big ego,” he chuckles and this time I do smile back.
“Sometimes, but he’s a real good guy, the best I’ve ever known,” I swallow past the lump in my throat.
“This fellow seems like a little more than a friend,” he says questioningly.
“It’s complicated,” I shrug feeling uncomfortable.
“Love can be complicated, I agree with that.”
Not sure what how to respond I nod then lay my head back feeling tired. Talking about Jaxson being in the Navy reminds me of his graduation. I smile as I let myself remember that day.
It was just over 6 months after Jaxson had left. I found out about the graduation only a few days before from Cooper. He said he’d wanted to go but couldn’t leave work.
“Jaxson has a graduation?” I asked in surprise.
“Ya, you didn’t know? It’s this Saturday. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that he never mentioned it. I only know because I read his program when he first applied.”
“I can’t believe he never told me. I just spoke to him 2 days ago.”
So with that I booked a flight to leave Saturday morning and decided to stay the night, hoping Jaxson would be able to do something after. I had exams coming up that week but I didn’t care, I would just study on the plane.
I arrived with just enough time to drop my bags off at the hotel, which wasn’t too far from the naval base. On my way to the training center, where the graduation is being held, I look down at my soft purple maxi dress and hope I’m dressed appropriately. I’m not sure how formal this is so I figured this would be a safe bet.
Walking in I see lots of people seated with their cameras, waiting proudly. It makes me sad to think if I hadn’t found out about this no one would have been here for Jaxson.
I decide to sit center middle, I want him to see me but not too easily. Cooper promised me he wouldn’t tell Jaxson I was coming. Hopefully he won’t be mad that I’m surprising him.
A few minutes later the graduates walk in and my breath seizes when I see Jaxson. It’s been six long months since I’ve got to look at him. He looks incredibly sexy in his formal Navy uniform. As he takes his seat I see him laugh at something the guy next to him says and I can’t stop from smiling with him. He looks so at ease and so… himself. My throat starts feeling tight when I realize this is what he was talking about when he said he didn’t fit in back home. The only time I ever saw him like this was when he was with Cooper or I.
A senior officer makes his way to the podium and starts his speech. He congratulates the men on their hard work and the importance of where their lives are going from here. The speech is incredibly moving and it’s very hard not to respect all the men who are seated, waiting to be awarded for their accomplishment.
When he finishes, each of the men are called up one at a time and awarded with a certificate and medal. There are so many cheers and pictures being taken from loved ones that I make sure I have my camera and lungs ready for Jaxson. I notice he hasn’t even looked into the crowd once, knowing that no one will be here for him, which makes me wanna cry. But I promised myself- no crying today. I know how uncomfortable it makes him.
I tune back into the senior officer: “Now before I call out the next name, I want to give special recognition to this new Seal. He is graduating top of this class and he might be one of the strongest men I’ve ever had come into this program. His dedication and hard work impressed, not just myself, but many other Senior Officers and fellow Seals. Every man sitting here has proven themselves but this officer made history by setting record times in his physical and mental training. So with that being said I’d like you all to congratulate Officer Jaxson Reid.”
Oh my god! Everyone claps beside me and the other graduates give a standing ovation. Snapping out of my stunned state I realize I have tears on my cheeks. Well crap, so much for not crying. But I can’t help it, I’m so darn proud of him. Standing up from my chair I cheer as loud as I can. Jaxson tenses then whips his head to the crowd, spotting me immediately. He stares at me, stunned for a moment, and I wave blowing him a kiss. When the shock wears off he shakes his head and gives me one of his sexy smirks. I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding, feeling relief he’s ok with me being here. I snap a few pictures of him receiving his award. I can tell he’s uncomfortable from the recognition which makes me roll my eyes.
After the speeches and awards are done everyone is with their families, taking pictures while I walk around looking for Jaxson. I lost him in the midst of the crowd.
“Ahh!” I yelp, startled when someone grabs me from behind, pulling me against them. I relax quickly knowing instantly whose hard body I’m up against.
“I guess I’m going to have to kill Cooper,” Jaxson whispers roughly in my ear, “what are you doing here Jules?”
My heart races from feeling his hard body behind me and his breath in my ear. Gawd he feels so good I want to whimper, but of course I don’t. Pulling myself together I spin around in his arms and stare up into his ice blue eyes that I’ve missed looking into every day. The man is too damn sexy for his own good. Finally, when I get my wits about me, I glare at him.
“I think I should kill you Jaxson! How could you not tell me about this?”
I get irritated when he shrugs, “This isn’t a big deal Julia, you have a lot going on with school. You just told me you had exams coming up this week. You should focus on that, not this.”
“Well I disagree, I think this is very important. I would have been heartbroken if I’d missed this and I’m glad I did come. Clearly you’ve been keeping a lot from me.” I was talking about his ‘special recognition’ and he knew it. Then smirking, I add: “But I guess if you don’t want to see me I’ll be on my way then.” I turn to walk away but he pulls me against him again with a growl.
“I never said I wasn’t happy to see you, I’m just saying you didn’t need to go to the trouble to be here.”
My smile fading, I turn and stare up into his handsome face, “It’s no trouble Jaxson, I wanna be here. I’ve really missed you,” I say softly.
“I’ve missed you too Julia. So fucking much.” He wraps me in his embrace and I bury my head in his chest, trying to hide my tears.
“I’m really proud of you Jax.”
“Thanks Jules.”
I can tell I’ve made him uncomfortable. Lightening the mood, I step back and grab the lapels of his uniform flirtatiously: “I must say Officer Reid, you look very handsome in your uniform.”
His voice is low and rough when he says: “And you look fucking beautiful Julia. Sometimes I forget just how beautiful you are.” His intense gaze makes my throat go dry and my heart beat faster. Unfortunately our moment gets interrupted.
“Well, well, well, let me guess- Julia in the flesh. I started to think maybe you weren’t real but looking at you now I can see you’re very real.”
I look to my left and see two very good looking men walking up to Jaxson and I. The one who spoke has a cocky grin and looks me over with blatant appreciation. While the other one has a hard expression on his face, one that’s not all that friendly.
“Come on buddy aren’t you gonna introduce us?” the cocky one asks while slinging his arm around Jaxson.
Glaring at him Jaxson introduces them, “Jules this nosey annoying dick head is Sawyer Evans,” I giggle as he introduces Sawyer, “and the less annoying one is Cade Walker, both are my roommates. We were also grouped together as a team during training with a few others.”
Both men are extremely attractive. Sawyer reminds me a little of a surfer with his shaggy dirty blond hair, green eyes and tanned skin. I realize he’s the one Jaxson was laughing with when they sat down. Where Jaxson and Sawyer are long and lean, Cade is a little bigger, more muscular, but they’re all close in height. His hair is a little shorter and much darker. He looks like he has some Mexican heritage in him with his dark skin color and hazel eyes. I can tell he has a past, his eyes have the same haunted look in them that Jaxson gets sometimes.
“Hi, it’s very nice to meet y’all,” I wave shyly.
Cade just nods whereas Sawyer grabs my hand, “Believe me Jules, the pleasure is mine.” I look at him in shock when he calls me Jules. He’s about to kiss my hand when Jaxson slaps him upside the head and rips my hand from his, glaring at him. Sawyer laughs, “What? I’m just trying to be nice to your Jules.”
I look at Jaxson raising my eyebrow, “Your Jules?”
“Shut up Evans. Never mind, he’s being an idiot.”
Chuckling, Sawyer asks: “We still hitting O’Rileys tonight to celebrate?”
Jaxson looks at me questioningly, “How long are you here for?”
“I leave tomorrow morning.”
Before I can say more he turns to Sawyer, “No, I’m out.”
“No Jaxson, it’s ok, don’t worry about me. Go ahead and celebrate, really.” Of course I’m only being half truthful, I really want to spend time with him, but he deserves to celebrate with his friends.
“No I’m staying with you,” his tone brooks no further argument.
“Why don’t you just bring Julia man? Come on, obviously now that she’s here we expect you to bring her.” Jaxson shakes his head. “What’s wrong? Worried one of us sexier Seals are gonna steal her away?” Sawyer asks smugly.
I can’t help the small giggle that escapes. I don’t know why Sawyer seems to think Jaxson feels more for me than a friend. If he only knew the truth…
“We can go for a bit if you want. I don’t mind,” I say truthfully. As long as I’m with him I don’t care what we do.
“Fine, we’ll go for a bit.”
Sawyer claps him on the back, “That’s what I’m talking about. See ya in an hour?”
Jaxson agrees, then we’re by ourselves again.
“You sure about this Jules?”
“Yes really, it’s fine.”
“Ok we’ll only go for a bit, then we’ll catch up, just the two us.”
“Perfect,” I can’t stop the big smile that takes over my face especially when he grins back.
We walk into O’Rileys almost an hour later. Sawyer waves us over to a table filled with guys, some with girls on their laps. I start to feel nervous, I’m pretty shy around new people. Jaxson guides me towards the table with his hand on my lower back and I shiver from his touch.
“You cold?”
Oh boy, how humiliating. This is going to be a long night if I don’t get a hold of myself. I shake my head, too embarrassed to speak.
“Well hi again Julia!” Sawyer says slinging an arm over me when I sit beside him, of course Jaxson quickly throws it off.
“Knock it off Evans. I mean it, you’re pissing me off!”
Most people would have been intimidated by Jaxson but not Sawyer, he just seems amused. I can tell he likes bugging him. If he only knew Jaxson wasn’t jealous, just protective, I’m sure he’d stop. I wish it was because of jealousy.
“Whatcha drinking tonight Julia?” Sawyer asks.
“Um,” I pretended to think about it but I really don’t want to drink.
“Don’t worry about it, I’m getting it for her,” Jaxson says getting up to order our drinks. Sawyer goes around the table introducing me to everyone. The girls aren’t friendly at all, but I realize they aren’t girlfriends they’re just hitting on some of the guys, so I don’t let it bother me. All the guys seem nice and they’re all extremely attractive. Sheesh! What the hell is in the water here?
I look over at Cade, staring at his drink with his typical hard expression. “Hi again Cade,” I say softly. I worry he didn’t hear me but then his head jerks up in surprise. Is he surprised that I acknowledged him? Does everyone just ignore him? That thought makes my heart squeeze.
His expression softens a bit, “Hi Julia.”
I give him a big smile, appreciating I got words this time and not just a nod. He stares at me confused, as if trying to figure something out.
Jaxson comes back with our drinks and when I take a sip I realize it’s only soda. I smile at him showing my appreciation when he gives me a wink.
Conversation flows well and as the night goes on I start feeling more relaxed. I get a lot of glares from the girls every time one of the guys asks me a question but I just ignore them and am as nice as I can be about it. Lots of the guys were ribbing Jaxson on his special recognition, which pissed him off, but I knew it was because he was uncomfortable about it. I tried not to laugh but a few giggles slipped out here and there which, in return, just moved his glare in my direction. When he gets up to use the bathroom Sawyer leans over to me.
“So what is it with you two?” he asks nodding over in Jaxson’s direction.
I look at him curiously, “What do you mean?”
“I’m trying to figure you guys out. Are you friends or more? I’ve tried asking Jaxson but he’s closed mouth when it comes to you.”
I shift in my seat feeling uncomfortable. “There’s nothing to figure out, we’re just friends. Actually he’s my best friend,” I say the last part softly.
“I didn’t know best friends carry pictures of each other with them,” he says with a smirk. At first I wonder why he thinks I have a picture of Jaxson when I realize he’s talking about Jaxson.
“Jaxson has a picture of me?” I ask in surprise.
“You didn’t know? I thought you gave it to him.” Now it was Sawyer’s turn to be surprised. “Unbelievable,” he says chuckling, shaking his head.
“Leave her alone man and shut up.” Sawyer snaps his gaze to Cade looking shocked by his little outburst.
“What? I’m just asking about the picture. You’re my best friend and I don’t carry a picture of you,” Sawyer jokes, but shuts up fast when Jaxson returns.
I look back at Cade giving him a kind smile, to thank him for sticking up for me, even though he didn’t need to. I know Sawyer didn’t mean anything bad by asking and was just curious. Heck, I’m curious now about this picture. I wonder what picture it is?
I’m brought out of my thoughts when Jaxson leans in close to me: “You wanna get going soon?”
“Sure,” I say easily, acting as if I don’t care either way. When I actually want to say ‘hell yes’.
“I didn’t even ask, what hotel are you staying at?”
“At the Delta. It was just a few minute cab ride from the base.”
Jaxson nods, “I know which one.”
We are just about to say goodbye when I see a girl stumbling towards us. Clearly she’s had too much to drink and her dress leaves nothing to the imagination; it makes me wonder why she even bothered with clothes at all. I quickly realize she’s walking up to Jaxson. I feel him tense when she runs her finger along his arm.
“Hi Jaxson baby, I didn’t know you were going to be here tonight. Lucky me.”
I immediately stiffen and feel like I’ve been slapped. I know I shouldn’t, but I do.
Jaxson quickly stands, pulling me with him.
“Kat. We were just leaving,” he says easily, when I know he’s feeling anything but.
We turn to say goodbye to the group when she yells: “Who the fuck is this whore?”
I whip my head and glare at her. Who is she to call me a whore? I hear the other girls at the table laugh then both Sawyer and Cade tell them to shut up. Before I can say anything to stand up for myself Jaxson steps in front of me, getting in her face.
“Back the fuck off Kat! You don’t know anything about her. You gotta problem with me fine, but you fucking leave her out of it,” his voice is low and dangerous. I can tell she’s scared by the big swallow she takes.
“I’m sorry Jax, I’ve just missed you. I was hoping you would come home with me tonight.”
Did she just call him Jax? That’s it, now I’m pissed. I’m mad that I’m caught up in this embarrassing scene and everyone is staring. I’m mad that she called him Jax because no one calls him that but me. I’m mad that I’m jealous and most of all I’m mad that Jaxson is nothing but a big man-whore.
I turn to the table of guys: “Well it’s been fun, nice meeting y’all and good luck with your new career,” then I quickly get the hell out of there.
As soon as I make it outside I breathe in the fresh air and try to calm my pounding heart. When Jaxson comes bolting out the door I quickly pick a direction and start walking as fast as I can.
“Julia wait!”
I keep my pace, ignoring him.
“Goddammit Julia. Get your sweet little ass back here.”
Oh, if he thinks by calling my ass sweet that I’m gonna come strolling back he’s got another thing coming.
When he catches up to me he grabs my arm and swings me around to face him, “Where the hell are you going?”
I rip my arm out of his grip: “To my hotel!” I snap and start walking again.
“You’re not even going the right way dammit!”
Darn! I stop and turn back around then start walking in the opposite direction.
“Why the hell are you mad at me?”
He’s so oblivious it makes me wanna hit him. Instead I stop and turn on him fast, “Did you screw her?” Ugh, why did I have to say that. I put my hand up at his stunned expression: “Never mind, don’t answer that. I already know the answer because you’re a stupid man-whore! I’m glad to see how easy it’s been for you to start a new life.” I know that isn’t fair to say and I’m acting ridiculous but I can’t seem to stop.
“What the fuck does that mean!?”
“It means that all of you have moved on but me. For the longest time it was always the 4 of us: Kayla and Cooper, you and I. Kayla still has Cooper. You move here and make new friends and a new life so easily. I just had it thrown in my face that what happened between us 6 months ago means nothing to you. While back home I can’t move on because I can’t stop thinking about you and missing you. I know it’s not your fault that you don’t care for me the same way I care for you but it still hurts dammit!” I can’t stop the small sob that breaks free.
“God Julia,” Jaxson pulls me roughly against him, wrapping me in his arms. “I’m sorry, but you’re wrong. Yes I’ve moved on in some ways but don’t think for one second that I’ve moved on from you. I think about you every goddamn day. That night, with you on the beach, fucking haunts me and that bitch means nothing to me just like the rest of them. I know you don’t understand that but it’s the truth.”
“She called you Jax,” I whisper tearfully in his chest.
“What?”
“I said she called you Jax? What’s with that? Only I call you that.” I know I sound immature but it really bothers me.
“I didn’t even notice; she’s someone I went home with months ago when I was drunker than shit and she hasn’t left me alone since. You know I don’t repeat women. She means absolutely nothing to me and she knows now to stay the fuck away from me.”
“I’m so humiliated.” I’m wondering what most of them think about me. I know I shouldn’t care but I can’t help it. I’ve always cared what people think about me.
“I know, I’m sorry, but the only one who should be embarrassed is her, not you Julia.” It feels so good to be held by him that it’s hard to stay mad.
“I’m sorry I called you stupid Jaxson. You’re not stupid, you’re the smartest person I know. And I’m sorry I called you a man-whore, even if you are, I shouldn’t have said it. I was just jealous,” I say crying into his chest again.
Chuckling he rubs his hands up and down my arms, “It’s ok Jules. Believe me you have nothing to feel jealous about, no one will ever mean more to me than you.”
I wish he meant it the way I want him to but I know he doesn’t.
“I knew you liked me more than Cooper,” I say, hoping to lighten the mood.
He grunts, “Believe me Jules, what I feel for you is completely different than what I feel for Coop.”
Before I have a chance to think about that he puts his arm around me and kisses my forehead, “Come on, let’s get the hell out of here.”
We arrive at my hotel 15 minutes later. I go into the bathroom to freshen up and wash my tear-streaked face. I look terrible. I’m exhausted from the flight and the emotional roller coaster that came from seeing Jaxson after six months. I’m still a little upset about what happened at the bar but I know I don’t have a right to be angry with Jaxson. I decide to put it aside and enjoy the rest of our time together. I wish I was staying longer, I’m not ready to leave him in the morning and I’m hoping he’ll stay the night. My heart races at the thought but I tamp it down.
Just friends Julia, just friends, I repeat the mantra to myself. Hopefully one day my heart will start believing it too.
I change into my typical shorts and tank that I sleep in. When I walk out I turn off the main light but keep the lamp on, leaving a soft glow in the room, hoping to mask some of my exhaustion. When I look up, Jaxson is pacing, looking edgy.
“What’s wrong?”
His head snaps up and he sucks in a breath when he sees me, “Why aren’t you wearing any clothes?”
I stare at him like he has 2 heads… “What are you talking about? These are my pajamas.”
“Maybe we should go downstairs to the lounge to catch up?” he looks around wearily.
“Why?” I ask in confusion, but he doesn’t answer. “Jaxson I’m tired, I just want to stay here and relax.”
When I crawl on the bed to get under the covers I hear a pained groan. I whip my head in Jaxson’s direction to see him staring at my ass. Oh boy, the fierce expression on his face causes my stomach to clench.
I look at him now with confusion; turning on my knees to face him I ask the one question that’s been burning inside of me since our scene outside the bar tonight.
“Jax, you say I mean more to you than any other girl, but then why do they all get a part of you that I don’t?”
His gaze snaps to mine and before he can say anything I continue, “It’s no secret I’d give myself to you. I’ve wanted you for so long that some days I feel like I’m going to die a virgin because you’re the only one I want to be with. It’s you who doesn’t want me.”
“Julia! Are you fucking crazy? I want you more than I want anything in my life but I won’t do that to you, you deserve better. You ask about those other girls and it’s because I don’t give a shit whether they can do better. But with you, I care, I care too fucking much.”
My heart squeezes painfully at his tortured admission. I shake my head sadly, hating the pain I see in his eyes, “I’m not better than you Jaxson, I’m better with you.”
Do I push this? I’ve wanted him for so long and now could be my chance. Who knows how long it will be before I see him again. Can we have this night and still have our friendship? I feel like our friendship has already shifted anyways. With that last thought I make my decision. Standing slowly I walk towards him. He glances at the door nervously as if he’s going to run out any second. Once reaching him I wrap my arms around his waist and look up into his heated gaze, “I want my first time with you Jaxson, right now.”
He clenches his jaw and closes his eyes briefly before staring at me with so much torment. “Fuck Julia, don’t do this. You don’t know what you’re asking and I only have so much control.”
“I know exactly what I’m asking. I don’t want to be a virgin anymore.”
“What’s wrong with being a virgin?” he asks gruffly.
I glare at him, feeling irritated now, “Fine!” I say, unwinding my arms, the moment broken. “I’m not going to beg you, I’m not that pathetic. I guess when I get home I’ll just have to find the first willing guy to take me home,” I say sweetly.
I know this will get under his skin which is what I want. When I start walking back to the bed he comes up behind me, grabbing my hips roughly, pulling me snug against him. I suck in a startled breath feeling how hard he is. He locks one arm around my chest and the other around my waist. “Be careful Julia, you’re playing with fire. I’ve tried hard for a long time to do the right thing but you’re about to make me throw it all away.” His deeply aroused voice has shivers breaking out across my body. My breathing starts to speed up in anticipation for what’s about to happen.
Turning in his arms I stare up at him, “I want it to be you Jaxson, not someone else. I know you can’t give me forever but you can give me who I want it to be with.”
I see a war raging in his eyes and I pray I know what I’m getting us both into. With shaking arms I grab the hem of my tank top and pull it over my head dropping it to the floor. He sucks in a sharp breath and his eyes burn with desire as I stand before him in my lilac lace bra. I feel the urge to cover myself but don’t. Jaxson’s been with many girls and I hate wondering how I measure to them. I don’t get much time to think about it before he curses, jerking me to him, and crushes his mouth to mine. Jaxson’s taste mingled with beer floods my mouth and I moan from the erotic taste. I decide the next time someone asks me what I want to drink that’s what I’m going to get. Our kiss is desperate, one that’s hot and demanding. It consumes us both right from the beginning and causes my knees to go weak with need. Prying my fingers, that have a death grip on his belt buckle, I slide my hands under the hem of his shirt, gliding them over the smooth hard plains of his stomach. I swear his 6-pack turned into a 10-pack these past 6 months. I whimper, needing to feel more of him, needing to feel his skin on mine again. I start pulling up his shirt when he breaks his mouth free, whipping the shirt over his head and getting rid of it in record time. Before he can kiss me again I gasp. Oh my god! I slide my shaking hand up his hard chest and grab the St. Michael pendant my mother gave to me.
“You’re wearing it?”
“I promised you I would.”
Wrapping my arms around his waist I press my body against his and place a tender kiss on the pendant, then another right over his heart feeling it’s fast beat on my lips. I hear his quick intake of breath when I run my tongue along his chest; loving the salty taste of his skin. He groans when I graze his nipple with my teeth. He leans down, grabbing my ass, then lifts me up. My legs wrap around his waist and my arms around his neck.
We stare into each other’s eyes while passion and need escalates between us. “Be sure about this Julia, because once we start I don’t think I’ll be able to stop. I’ve been restraining myself for far too long and I can’t anymore. I know I don’t deserve you but the thought of someone else taking this from you makes me fucking insane.”
I rest my forehead against his, “I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life. I need it to be you Jaxson. This is right, we are right.”
I kiss him tenderly as he starts walking us back to the bed. Laying me down he leans over me with his hands on either side of my head and stares down at me with an emotion that captures my breath, “I’m sorry, I know you deserve all that romantic shit. Like flowers and candles, everything that I don’t have right now, but I swear I’ll be good to you Julia. I’ll take care of you.”
My throat becomes painfully tight, “I don’t need any of that stuff. I just need you Jaxson.”
Shaking his head in disbelief he leans down, kissing the swell of my breast causing goosebumps to break out over my body. I sigh and thread my fingers through his hair, loving the feel of his soft lips on my skin. He trails his mouth over my taut nipple and grazes it with his teeth through the lace of my bra. I moan wanting more, wanting to feel to his mouth on my bare skin. Reaching around my back he undoes the clasp of my bra and pulls it slowly from my arms. He stares down at me with a fierce hunger that leaves me feeling breathless.
“You make me feel beautiful when you look at me like that.”
Jaxson’s gaze intensifies, “God Julia! If you only knew how beautiful I think you are you would never question it again.” He leans down and kisses me passionately till we are both out of breath, gasping for air. A soft moan escapes my lips when he cups both of my breasts.
“Jesus baby, your tits are fucking perfect. The memory of them torture me when I lay in bed at night, remembering how perfectly they filled my hands.” He rolls my nipples between his fingers creating a sharp ache between my legs. “I remember how good they felt against my tongue,” he leans down licking my nipple then closes his hot mouth over it, sucking roughly. I whimper, my body burning with so much need it’s almost painful.
He slides down my body, trailing wet kisses down my stomach and grabs the waist band of my shorts. Lifting my hips he pulls them down slowly, baring my matching lavender lace hipster panties.
“I think purple is my new favorite color,” he groans out roughly.
He pulls them all the way off then throws them behind him and kneels on the floor. Grabbing my hips he drags me to the edge of the bed and places a hot open mouth kiss to my shaking stomach. I run my fingers through his hair holding him to me tenderly, not wanting this moment to ever end.
Jaxson looks up at me and whispers: “You know what my biggest regret is from that night Julia?”
I stiffen, feeling fear when he says this, not wanting to hear the word ‘regret’ from his mouth. That’s until he says, “I regret not tasting you.” When he plants a soft kiss on top of my panties I start to feel trepidation.
“I smelled your sweet scent on my fingers that entire night when I got home and hated myself for not taking the chance I had to taste this.” He splays his hand on top of my panties, his eyes rage with an intensity that causes a shiver of arousal and apprehension through me.
“Tell me Julia,” he whispers hoarsely, “are you still bare?” He rubs his thumb up and down the middle of my panties skimming the spot that sends slight tremors through my body. My face flames from his question, embarrassing me, but it also turns me on when he talks like this to me.
I nod, worried my voice will portray my nervousness.
“That’s so fucking hot,” then he brings his nose against me taking a deep breath in. “You smell even better than I remember,” he groans sliding my panties off kissing while the inside of my thigh.
Getting to his feet Jaxson stands and stares down at my naked body. Feeling a little too exposed I go to close my legs but he grabs my knees stopping me. “Julia baby, I need you to stay right where you are. Don’t move, I need to commit this image to memory because you are the most beautiful fucking sight I have ever seen,” his voice is low and rough with arousal. Swallowing nervously I do as he asks and let him look.
After a few more seconds he groans then drops to his knees again. I stiffen when he starts trailing his tongue towards my center. I lean up on my elbows, staring at his head. The pulse between my legs is agonizing but I’m still feeling apprehensive about him doing this to me.
“Jaxson, I’m not so sure about this,” I say wearily. He looks at me now with his lips so close to my most sensitive part.
“Trust me Julia, you’re going to like this, and so am I,” then he places my legs over each of his shoulders.
My thoughts and hesitation vanish when he glides his tongue through me, “Ohhh!!” my arms give out and I drop to my back, my hips involuntarily lift to his mouth. Greedily seeking a pleasure I’ve never known. He splays his hand on my lower stomach holding my hips in place while his mouth devours me. His tongue is wet and warm and moves in me skillfully, knowing exactly where to lick.
“Jesus, you taste fucking incredible,” Jaxson’s growl brings me closer to the edge. Tangling my hands in his hair I pull it roughly, begging for something I don’t quite understand. My breathing increases as one sensation collides with the next. His tongue exerts pressure on my clit and I know I’m going to explode any second.
“Oh god, Jaxson, I think I’m going to come,” I whimper.
He groans right over my clit and that was all it took to send me crashing over the edge. Lights explode behind my eyes as sweet ecstasy fills my entire body. Somewhere, in the midst of all the sensations tearing through me, I realize I’m screaming incoherently, my voice becoming hoarse from it but I’m too lost in it all to care. When I slowly come back to reality, my breathing is harsh and my body is limp with pleasure. I open my eyes and see Jaxson undoing his belt, muttering things to himself I can’t quite catch.
I start to feel embarrassed, thinking how loud I was, “I hope the people next door didn’t hear that,” I say blushing.
Jaxson’s hot gaze snaps to mine: “Christ Julia, I’m pretty sure the whole fucking hotel heard you.”
I cover my face with my hands and groan from humiliation.
Jaxson grabs my wrists pulling my hands away and looks at me fiercely: “Don’t Julia! Don’t be embarrassed, not with me. It was so damn hot I almost came in my fucking pants.”
I look at him in surprise and give him a small smile. When I trace my fingers along his lips he grabs my hand and presses a tender kiss on the inside of my wrist. Amongst the stark hunger in his gaze there’s also affection.
I look at the condom in his hand, the reality of what we are about to do sets in and I start feeling fear. Not from giving myself to him, but of losing him. Concern darkens his expression, “What’s wrong baby? You change your mind?”
Relief flickers in his eyes when I shake my head.
I try to swallow past the lump in my throat. “Promise me Jaxson, that after this, no matter what happens, you’ll still be my friend,” my voice cracks and I close my eyes not wanting him to see the pain and fear that I’m sure is in my gaze.
“Look at me Julia!” his harsh demand has my eyes snapping open. An intense emotion has transformed his face, “I may not be able to give you the forever you deserve but I fucking promise you, I will never stop being your friend.” He kisses me hard and I wrap my arms around his neck, pouring everything I feel for him in the kiss.
Lifting his mouth from mine he trails kisses to my ear and whispers: “Are you ready baby?”
“Yes,” I say softly but with certainty.
When he stands up I scoot back to the middle of the bed and suck in a startled breath, watching as he sheathes himself with the condom. Oh my god!! Is that size normal? I’ve never really seen one before but that seems awfully big. I swallow, feeling fear now for what’s about to happen.
“Baby, I gotta tell you, seeing your horrified expression while staring at my dick is not good for my ego,” he says with a smirk. I know that my expression does nothing to his ego, he knows exactly what I’m thinking.
I clear my throat, “Um Jax? I don’t think this is going to work. I don’t think you’ll fit,” my face flames while my body spikes with anxiety.
The smirk on his face vanishes and a look of seriousness passes over it. He lays over me, leaning on his elbows and I feel his erection on the inside of my thigh.
“It’ll fit!” he says with certainty, “I’ll go slow, but you have to know Julia, it’s going to hurt.” I can tell it bothers him knowing I’ll feel pain and I don’t want him to change his mind. So with a big breath I nod and give him a shaky smile. Grabbing the back of his neck I bring his lips down to mine. He kisses me back aggressively, making me forget my fear.
Rising up he slowly slides the tip of himself inside me and lets out a tortured groan. Although it’s tight and uncomfortable, I think ‘ok this isn’t so bad, I can handle this’. But then I suck in a harsh breath when he slides in another inch- holy shit, OUCH!!! I reach up, wrapping my arms around him, burying my face in his neck.
“Breathe baby, relax a bit Julia,” he pushes at my knees that have a tight grip on his hips, stopping him from going further.
I shake my head not knowing what to do. This hurts so much more than I thought it would and I knew it would hurt.
“Fuck,” he breathes out harshly. His body is tense and he looks down at me with indecision, “Do you trust me Julia?”
“Yes,” I say without any hesitation.
“Hold on to me baby, I’m going to get this over with before it kills us both.” I wrap my arms around his shoulders and before I can ask what he’s going to do he slams himself inside of me, stilling.
“AHHHH!” I scream, a blinding white hot pain explodes behind my eyes and I feel like I’ve just been split in two. I try breathing through the agony when I hear Jaxson groan in pleasure and it makes me wanna hit him.
“God Jaxson,” I whisper painfully.
“I’m sorry baby, I’m so fucking sorry,” he chokes out, kissing my shoulder and my neck. I look into his eyes and see an expression filled with guilt, which quickly snaps me out of my pained state.
“It’s ok,” I lie softly. I lean up kissing his lips and lift my hips trying to reassure him. That’s when I realize I feel more discomfort than pain.
“Are you sure,” he asks breathing harshly.
“Yes, just go slow.”
Straightening his arms he raises himself above me and starts to rock slowly back and forth. I stay still the first few strokes, feeling uncomfortable and tender. But the more he moves inside me the better it feels and I start feeling a different sensation, one that makes me move my hips to meet his.
“Yes baby that’s it, does it feel better?”
I nod, staring into his ice blue eyes that are filled with an emotion I can’t quite name. One that makes me feel desired and cherished. One that makes me want to tell him I love him, but I don’t, because I know better. Instead I raise my hand and place it over his pounding heart, “I love feeling you inside me of me.”
He groans and leans his forehead against mine while he continues to move inside of me, “You feel fucking incredible Julia, I’ve never felt anything more perfect than you.”
We’ve always had a strong connection, one that I’ll never share with anyone else. But this is more, this is deeper, because right now at this moment we are one. Our bodies were the only way we hadn’t connected and now that we have, I fear he will not only own my heart but also my soul.
I watch Jaxson shake with restraint as he moves in me slowly. “I want more of you,” I wrap one of my legs around him which brings him deeper than I thought was possible.
“Shit,” he groans harshly, clenching his jaw. Then he raises back up on his arms and starts thrusting a littler harder and faster. I run my hands all over him, anywhere I can reach, loving the way his hard body flexes as he moves inside of me.
He reaches his hand in between our thrusting bodies and starts rubbing my clit. I whimper and snap my surprised gaze to his.
“I want you to come again Julia, I need to feel you come around my cock.” My breathing increases when his thumb moves faster and I’m shocked I’m about to come again. He quickens his thrusts then presses down on my clit which sends me over the edge.
“Fuck yes, me too baby,” he groans then stills, coming inside me.
Leaning most of his weight on me, I wrap myself around him and kiss his neck. We hold each other trying to catch our breaths, our hearts beating together as if one. I turn my lips to his ear, “Thank you.”
Lifting his head, he rests his forehead on mine, his expression raw and vulnerable. He stares at me like he wants to say something but then thinks better of it, “I’m really glad you came today Julia.”
Well it wasn’t ‘I love you’ but I knew that it wouldn’t be. Giving him a simple smile I try not to let my emotions get the better of me, “Me too.”
I instantly miss the connection when he pulls out of me. As he makes his way to the bathroom I put my panties back on then grab his shirt from the floor, throwing it over my head. Hoping he gets the hint that I want him to stay.
When he closes the door to the bathroom I quickly bend down and grab his wallet out of his jeans. I look to the door nervously but hear water running so I know I have some time. I flip open his wallet and staring up at me is a picture of myself that I’ve never seen before, but I remember the day:
I’m waiting for Jaxson at our spot on the beach. My long cream beach-dress rests high on my thighs as my arms are wrapped around my knees. I remember feeling the cool water rush over my feet. My face is turned up to the sky, basking in the warmth of the sun, it causes my long hair to flow in loose waves down my back. The sun shining down on me gives me an ethereal glow. I swallow thickly, amazed that the beautiful girl in this picture is me.
“If you needed money Julia, you should have just asked.”
I gasp, Jaxson’s voice startling me out of my memory. Crap! I was so caught up in the picture that I forgot I shouldn’t be doing this. I look over at him anxiously, he’s standing in the doorway in his boxer-briefs as he stares at the picture in my hands. He doesn’t seem all that mad, just… embarrassed maybe?
“How did you take this?”
He clears his throat nervously, “With my phone.”
I stare back down at it, “I look beautiful,” I whisper with surprise.
“That’s how you always look to me.”
My gaze snaps back to his, surprised by his admission. My eyes roam down his naked chest, taking in every sexy inch of him. Jaxson’s body is nothing short of perfection, the man looks like he was carved from stone. The black ink that’s woven up his cut arms make him look like heaven and sin wrapped in one package.
“I think you’re beautiful.”
He scoffs, “I am not beautiful Julia… sexy maybe, but not beautiful.” He smirks at me now lightening the moment and I can’t help but giggle.
Putting the picture back to its place in his wallet I get up and slowly walk over to him. His gaze heats as his eyes devour my body that’s only covered by his shirt. Standing on my tip-toes I wrap my arms around his neck. His hands go to my ass pulling me against him.
Burying my nose in his neck I breath in his delicious scent, “Mmm you are sexy… and beautiful,” I plant soft kisses along his throat and across his strong jaw.
When I nip his ear lobe he groans harshly picking me up by my ass. “You keep that shit up Julia I’ll forget how sore you are and we’ll go for round two,” he chokes roughly walking us back to the bed.
“Promise?”
He slaps my ass playfully, “Behave yourself woman!”
I laugh as he lays us down on the bed, with him on top. Suddenly an emotion crosses over his face, one I can’t make out. “What?”
He shakes his head, “Nothing, I just… I love your laugh and I really miss hearing it.”
His words send my heart into a tail spin. I reach up and cup his jaw, “I really miss you.”
He leans down and presses a soft kiss to my forehead. When he pulls away I look at him nervously, “Are you going to stay the night?”
My heart sinks when he stiffens, but he relaxes quickly, “Do you want me to?”
I contemplate lying, saying I don’t care, not wanting to sound needy but then decide with the truth: “Yes I want you to stay with me, all night.” He nods and I relax, letting out a relieved breath.
He continues to watch me, “What, did you think I would say no?”
I shrug, “I was hoping you’d say yes.”
“Don’t you know by now Julia that I’d give you anything you wanted if I could?”
I wish I had the courage to confess that all I want is him, completely and in every way, but I’m too scared after the rejection last time. Before I can say anything he moves off me so we can get under the covers. I shift towards the other side of the bed but he surprises me again by pulling me flush against him.
He stares at me with affection but also vulnerability. I can tell things are turning too intense for him so I change the subject, “I really liked meeting your friends today. Sawyer and Cade both seem nice.”
“Sawyer needs a good ass kicking which he’s gonna get when I get back tomorrow,” he says annoyed.
“What’s Cade’s story?”
“What do you mean?”
I shrug, “I don’t know, he comes off scary and intimidating but he seems vulnerable somehow.” Jaxson grunts at this and I know it’s because he thinks I’m being ridiculous. I continue cautiously, “There’s a pain in his eyes Jaxson, the same one I see in yours sometimes. I can tell he has a past and I just wondered what it was.”
I start feeling bad for asking and think I shouldn’t have said anything but then he surprises me by answering, “I don’t know much, he and Sawyer are best friends, they enlisted together. I guess he had a sister who died when he was younger. I don’t know the story. It’s something he doesn’t talk about. Sawyer says it was really fucking bad though. I don’t ask Cade about it because I know what it’s like to not want to talk about shit,” he shrugs and I can tell he feels uncomfortable now.
“Sorry I shouldn’t have asked, I just feel bad for him. It seems like he’s in the background a lot and I’m sure it gets lonely.”
He grunts again, “He’s not lonely Jules, trust me. He likes being on his own and the three of us hang out on our free time.” I don’t say anything back because I disagree. Who would like being alone all the time?
“I can tell he liked you too and that’s saying something because he doesn’t like many people.” I smile, happy to hear that.
I feel content being curled up next to Jaxson’s warm body, hearing his steady heartbeat under me while his fingers drag across my lower back. Being with him like this feels so… right. It’s the most peace I’ve felt since my mom passed away and I wish it could be like this forever.
Feeling sleepy I notice Jaxson’s hand is still and his breathing has become slow and even. Glancing up I see he’s sound asleep. I watch him for a moment, loving how peaceful he looks. Reaching up I brush a gentle kiss on his mouth. Then I whisper the words I dared not to say when he was awake: “I love you Jaxson,” I lay my head back down on his chest. As I drift off a dream hits me fast- one where he whispers the same words back to me.
I startle awake when the pilot announces our descent. I must have dozed off while thinking back to Jaxson’s graduation and the night I lost my virginity. That was the best night of my life; it was also the last time I saw Jaxson. We kept in touch with email and phone calls but neither of us could get away to see each other. He was sent out on missions shortly after that night and it seems he’s stayed gone since. Sometimes I think he’s avoided me because obviously our relationship did change that night, no matter how much we hoped it wouldn’t. Although, I think it changed the night I told him I loved him. He calls me at least once or twice a month and I send him packages of baked goods which he said Sawyer and Cade also enjoy.
I smile, thinking how crazy it is- the three of them getting to be a part of the same Seal team. Then my heart pinches wondering if they’re the other two who were with Jaxson. I feel like it’s a safe bet to assume they were.
Please let them all be ok.
As I’m walking off the plane the elderly gentleman who was sitting next to me puts his hand on my shoulder, halting me.
“Good luck with your friend miss.”
I give him a kind smile, “Thank you.”
I bypass the luggage since I only brought my carry-on. I didn’t know how long I would be here and figured I would buy things if needed.
Hailing a taxi I have the driver take me right to the hospital instead of my hotel first. I’m too anxious to wait any longer to see Jaxson; I need to know he’s alright.
My anxiety spikes as I walk into the hospital. Taking a deep breath I pull myself together and head right up to the nurses’ station asking to see Jaxson. I’m grateful to find out they speak English.
“I’ll have to go check if he can have visitors, there are restrictions on his room. Please have a seat in the waiting area, Miss…?”
“Julia, Julia Sinclair.”
I sit in the waiting room for a good 10 minutes before I look over, seeing an enraged Cooper, “I’m going to fucking kill my girlfriend!”
I stand up and advance on him, feeling my own anger spike. “I don’t think so Cooper,” I seethe, poking my finger in his chest, “how dare you keep this from me, how dare both of you keep this from me!” We’re toe to toe now and we glare at each other waiting to see who’s going to pull back first, of course it’s me.
Taking a deep breath I ask the question that’s been haunting me since Kayla’s phone call, “Is he ok?” I can’t stop the small sob that breaks free.
“Fuck!” Coop takes a big breath of his own, pinching the bridge of his nose, something he often does when he’s stressed. “He’s going to be ok, over time. He’s really fucked up Julia, you shouldn’t have come.”
“He’s my best friend Cooper. How can you say that to me?”
“Julia don’t make this harder than it has to be.”
“What the hell are you talking about? How am I making it harder wanting to be here for him?”
“He doesn’t want you here.” I flinch feeling like I’ve been slapped. “Christ! He doesn’t want you to see him like this. He needs time.”
My temper flares and I stand toe to toe with him again. I try to look intimidating but that’s pretty hard to do with someone like Coop. “No! Now you listen here, Cooper McKay, I’m seeing him one way or another, even if I have to physically go through you. So you tell him I’m here and that I’m not leaving till I see him!”
Cooper shakes his head. “Ok that’s it,” I march past him to go to Jaxson’s room. I don’t make it very far before he grabs me from behind, wrapping his arms around my body so I can’t get my arms free. I kick and fight when he lifts me up to take me outside. The nurse behind the desk looks at us anxiously and you can tell she isn’t sure what to do. “Let go of me Cooper or I swear I’ll scream.” He just grunts, which pisses me off more. Once he gets me outside I turn my head and bite his shoulder.
“Ow, fuck!” he puts me down and grabs my shoulders, giving me a shake.
“Goddamn it Julia, listen to me! He knows you’re here and he’s refusing to see you. No matter how hard you fight you’re not going to see him. I’m sorry.”
The fierce determination in Cooper’s gaze makes me realize how serious he is.
“Please don’t do this Cooper. I’ve come all this way, I need to see him.” Tears begin to fall as I attempt to put into words how much I desperately need to see Jaxson. “You, out of all people, know how much he means to me. Please don’t do this.”
“Christ,” he pulls me against him and holds me tight. I let out a relieved breath, thinking I got through to him until he says… “I’m sorry Julia, but I respect his decision.”
I step back and see the regret in his eyes. I can’t believe after all we’ve been through Jaxson’s really going to send me away like this.
I look at Cooper with all the seriousness I can muster, “You tell him if he doesn’t see me then he can forget ever speaking to me again.”
“Don’t be foolish Julia.”
“Me, be foolish! Are you kidding me!? I am sick of this macho bullshit, I’ve gone through a lot to be here and I haven’t seen him in five fucking years Cooper! I’m serious, if he sends me away after everything we’ve been through, then… I’m done!”
“This isn’t about macho bullshit!”
“The hell it isn’t, you’re in there with him right now.”
“It’s for the best Julia, I know you don’t understand that right now but it is.”
I stare at him in disbelief then sit down on the edge of the sidewalk. Covering my face with my hands I start sobbing. I cry for Jaxson, I cry for myself and I cry for our broken friendship. I feel like my heart has split in two and I know I can’t do this anymore, I just can’t.
“Goddamn Kayla,” Cooper says angrily.
My gaze snaps to his, standing up I shout, “No! Goddamn you! And goddamn Jaxson! Kayla’s my only true friend.” I can tell he feels awful sending me away but I’m too angry to care. I grab my bag and don’t look back.
I brace myself when my door opens and pray it isn’t Julia. I look over to see it’s Cooper. Thank Christ!
“Well that fucking sucked,” he says, walking in looking like shit.
“How bad was it?” I croak out. Fuck it hurts just to talk.
I know before he says anything that it’s bad. “Pretty fucking bad. Are you sure about this?”
Turning my head I glare at him: “Would you let Kayla see you like this?”
He takes a deep breath and shakes his head, “No, you’re right. I just feel like shit, you didn’t see her when she left.”
“I’ll make it up to her.”
Cooper grunts: “I hope you do man, because as mad as I am at my girlfriend right now, I know she’s going to be way more pissed at me when Julia tells her I sent her away.”
I know I’m doing the right thing, not letting her see me like this, but I still feel like a dick. “I will, I just don’t know when. I’m going to be here for a while then they’re sending us to some fucking clinic to make sure our heads get back on straight,” I’m dreading that the most.
“I’m warning you Jaxson, it’s not going to be easy. Not this time.”
“I know,” and I really do. Julia is the most forgiving person I know but I realize I’m going to have to work hard to make her understand this.
I shake violently when another wave of nausea hits me. Leaning over I throw up, agony ripping through my broken body. Shit! These withdrawals are killing me.
“Damn it Jaxson, I wish you wouldn’t refuse the drugs.”
“Nothing else is getting pumped in my fucking body Cooper. Not ever again.”
He looks like he’s going to argue until he sees how serious I am. “Alright, I’ll forget it. Do you want me to go get you anything before I make my phone call to Kayla? It’s going to be ugly so it may take a while.”
“No, but thanks man… for everything.” He knows I’m not just talking about being here, but also for Julia.
He nods at my thanks then before he goes out the door he turns to me: “By the way, I saw Sawyer not too long ago. He told me to tell you that you’re a pussy.”
I can tell he enjoys delivering the message by the stupid grin on his face. I grunt then groan from the pain, “I guess that means he’s doing alright?”
Coop shrugs, “He looks like you. Both he and Cade are refusing the drugs too.”
I nod, “I figured they would,” then I take a deep breath, “how about Anna?”
Cooper clears his throat, “They just reached her parents and they’re trying to get here as soon as they can. The nurse says she’s been asking for you though; said she’s scared and wants to stay close to you.”
Guilt threatens to choke me, “Alright, tell them she can see me if she needs.”
It’s the least I can do.
Cooper nods then shuts the door.
I lay back closing my eyes and think about Julia. I knows she’s pissed right now but I meant what I said to Coop. I’ll make it up to her. I just don’t know when. I have to get myself halfway normal again; those bastards really fucked with our heads. She’s the only reason I agreed to this rehabilitation shit.
For the last week it was the memories I have of her that kept me alive. Every time one of those bastards came in to torture us, I would retreat into my mind and think about her. I would think about our nights on the beach. I’d remember the way her eyes lit up with her bright smile and the peace I always felt from just being around her. And most of all… I’d remember her beautiful laugh. I’d let the sound of it wash over me as I felt every lash from the whip that tore down on my skin. There were times I thought I’d never see her again and that was when I decided if I ever got out of there alive I wouldn’t stay away. Not anymore. I stayed away as long as I did because after knowing what it felt like to be inside of her I couldn’t trust myself not to do it again. It’s going to be hell on my control but I need her in my life again. I’ve lived with seeing so much bad shit the last few years, I need Julia to remind me of the good again.