Chapter 2
Lea
“Morning, honey,” my mom greets me as I walk into the kitchen.
“Morning.” I walk over to the kitchen table and take a seat then watch in a daze as she turns over bacon in a pan then places eggs on the griddle. “Are you expecting an army?” I ask, watching as she adds pancakes to a large platter that is already overflowing.
“Rhonda called me this morning. Ben’s going out on an opener, and she doesn’t want to sit at home alone all day, so she’s coming for breakfast¸ and then we’re going to check out the new yarn and craft store that opened up in town.
“How long have she and Ben been together?” I ask curiously. In high school, Ben was the typical guy. He was always dating someone new, and Rhonda was very sweet but shy, and kept to herself or the few friends she had. I don’t even remember them talking back then.
“Going on about five years, I think. She went away to college, and when she came back to town, they just hit it off and were inseparable.”
“I’m happy for them. She was always nice, and Ben was a good guy.”
“Ben adores her, and yes, she is. She reminds me a lot of you, actually.”
“Really?”
“Yes, she’s been very good to me when I’m home, always helping me with anything I need, or just coming over to visit.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t here,” I whisper, feeling guilty.
“You have nothing to be sorry for. You know I’ve loved going out to Montana to visit you. It’s nice to get away for a few months every now and then; plus, you had your own life to live. It’s not as if I never saw you.”
“I know. It’s just…I wish I hadn’t been so far away or that I could have gotten here sooner than I did.”
“Ken’s a dick.”
“Mom,” I sigh.
“No,” she points the spatula at me, “he’s a self-centered asshole who thinks the world revolves around him. What happened between the two of you is not your fault. And the way he acted when he found out you were coming here to stay was deplorable.”
She was right about that. When I told him I had to leave to take care of my mom, he told me I needed to stay until we separated all of our assets. I hated him for that; it was already hard enough being in the same town as him and his girlfriend, but him making it hard for me to leave when my mom needed me showed me a side of him I didn’t even know existed. “There’s a lot you don’t know.” I try but don’t even know why I bother she’s right about him, but I have always felt like I could have tried harder or been a better wife which I know is stupid.
“I know more than enough,” she states, and before I can reply, there’s a knock on the back door, and Rhonda pokes her head inside through the crack.
“Hey.” She smiles when she sees me sitting at the table.
“Hi.” I smile back, feeling awkward. It’s not her that makes me uncomfortable; it’s what happened with Ben on the ferry that I can’t get out of my head. I hate feeling judged by anyone, and I know Ben has probably talked to her about everything that went on fifteen years ago.
“Take a seat before you topple over,” my mom says in greeting, making Rhonda laugh as she goes to the fridge, opening it up.
“Sorry about Ben,” she says softly, and I pull my eyes from my mom who is pulling out a bottle of syrup to look at her. “He shouldn’t have talked to you like that.”
“It’s okay,” I reply just as softly, not wanting my mom to know what happened, I don’t want her to worry about me right now.
“What are you two whispering about?” Mom cuts in, setting a plate in front of each of us.
“I was telling Rhonda that I hope she is hungry, since you seem to have cooked for twelve instead of three,” I lie, and Rhonda laughs again placing her hand on her stomach.
“I’m eating for two, and since this little guy seems to be taking after his father, you could even say I’m eating for three.”
“How far along are you?” I ask as my hand itches to reach out and touch her stomach.
“Just about seven months.”
“Holy cow,” I breathe. Her stomach is already huge, so I can only imagine how she will look when she’s full term.
“I know.” She nods. “I keep telling Ben that he’s having the next one. I had no idea that I was going to blow up like a whale.” She smiles.
“You look beautiful, pregnancy looks good on you.” I tell her softly.
“I can’t wait till he gets here so I can hold him,” my mom says, and pain slices through me. I have always wanted children, and if by some chance I find a man to have a family with one day, I won’t be able to share any of that with her. She will never hold her grandchildren; she won’t even be there to lean on when I have questions or concerns about being a mom.
“Sorry, I’ll be right back,” I excuse myself from the table and go to the bathroom. The second I’m behind the closed door, I burst into silent tears. I have no idea how I’m going to make it through this time. She thinks we’re lucky to know she’s dying, but I feel like it’s so much worse this way. Now all I can think about is everything she will be missing out on, everything I will be missing out on without her. If she just were to have passed away suddenly, I would be forced to accept what happened and try to move on. With this situation, I feel stuck. There is no moving on, because I’m waiting for the inevitable to happen.
All my mom wants is for me to be happy, and I wish more than anything that I could say I am, that I don’t feel like I am dying inside, like I’m not constantly fighting just to take a breath.
“Honey, breakfast is getting cold,” she calls through the bathroom door.
“Coming,” I call back then turn on the faucet to splash some cold water on my face, dry off with a towel, and then go back into the kitchen, where Rhonda and Mom are huddled together talking quietly.
“So, your mom was telling me you’re an accountant,” Rhonda says as I take a seat, placing a pancake on my plate.
“I am. It’s boring to most people, but I have always loved numbers, so I enjoy it. What about you? What do you do?”
“I’m a registered nurse. Here in town, I do private care. I actually have my own company, and have three girls who work for me.”
“That’s amazing. What kind of care do you do?” I ask.
“We help some of the elderly in town who can’t make it to their doctors, and we also do hospice care if it’s needed,” she says, and I can’t help but turn my head from her to look at my mom, knowing there may come a time when she’ll need to be placed in hospice. I’m actually relieved to learn there is someone in town who could take care of her, that she won’t need to be moved from the house, and that I won’t be on my own when the time comes. But I’m a little surprised that my mom never mentioned Rhonda before yesterday considering her job and how close they seemed.
“I’ve been looking for a new accountant since Larry retired a couple months ago,” she says, bringing me out of my thoughts.
“I can help you out until you find someone.” It would be good to work while I’m here, and luckily, accounting is something you can do from anywhere; you don’t need much more than a computer.
“That would be perfect, and if you decide to say in town, I know a lot of people who are looking for help.”
That is one thing about living on a small island in Alaska: there is normally only one person for each job, and if that person decides to leave, you’re screwed, unless another person with the same profession moves into town.
“Just think, you could open your own office in town. I’m sure Larry would sell you his space if you asked,” my mom says, sounding excited at the idea, so I smile, even though on the inside I begin to feel sick. After my mom is gone, I have no idea what I’m going to do or where I will go. The house Ken and I owned in Montana is set to close in a few weeks, and I sold all of my stuff in a huge yard sale before I packed up my clothes in my car and drove to Seattle to get on a ferry to Anchorage.
“I’ll think about it,” I tell her, watching as she gives Rhonda’s hand a squeeze.
*
“My baby shower is next weekend, and I would love it if you were to come with your mom,” Rhonda says as we walk into the yarn and craft store.
“I would love to go.” I lie not wanting to hurt her feelings.
“Hey, Rhonda.” I turn my head, coming face-to-face with a beautiful, willowy blonde, and it registers she’s the woman I saw wrapped around Austin as he held the door open for her at the bar. I can see what Austin would find appealing about her. She’s almost as tall as he is, where I’m at least a foot shorter. Her body is shaped to perfection, where mine is full of curves from eating a little too much chocolate.
“Hi, Anna,” Rhonda says, but I can hear a slight annoyance in her tone, and I wonder what that’s about.
“You must be Lea,” the woman named Anna says, and her eyes sweep over me from head to toe, making me thankful I took a little extra time in getting ready and didn’t just put on the first pair of jeans I found. I had on a pair of black corduroy pants that flared at the ankle, a cream scoop-neck sweater, cream boots that were casual but still sexy, and my puffy black vest that was just perfect for the Alaskan spring weather.
“I didn’t know you were in town,” Rhonda says, and Anna’s gaze moves to her.
“Austin asked me to come for a few days.” She shrugs casually.
“Anna’s a flight attendant. She lives in Anchorage,” Rhonda informs me, and I look from Anna to her then back again and smile, because there is nothing else for me to do. I have no right to feel jealous that this woman is spending time with Austin. He hasn’t been mine for a very long time. Not that it does anything to stop the feeling from creeping up on me.
“It must be nice to travel all the time,” I say then look around to see where my mom disappeared to praying that she will come save me.
“It is, but I’m thinking about moving here and making this my home base. You know, the things we do for love,” she says, and my heart sinks a little at the thought of her and Austin in love, moving in together, and eventually starting a family. “Well, I better go. Austin’s waiting for me. See you around.”
“Bye,” I murmur, watching her walk away.
“God, I hate her,” Rhonda says, pulling my attention to her. “Just so you know, she and Austin are not as serious as she makes them out to be. They see each other when she’s in town, and from what Ben told me, Austin doesn’t even want to see her even then, half the time.” I have no response. I have no idea what to do with the feelings that are swirling around inside of me at the moment.
“Let’s find your mom.”
“Yeah,” I agree then follow her down one of the aisles, where my mom is standing, looking at stickers for scrapbooking. “Did you find anything you like?” I ask, coming to her side.
“I’m not sure I have the patience to do a scrapbook, but they have so many cute things that it almost makes me want to.”
“I’ll help you. We can make one together,” I suggest.
“Maybe we can do one with all the pictures I have of you and your dad,” she says quietly, picking up a packet of stickers of boats and waves.
“I would like that.” Although my dad has been gone for years, I feel like the wounds from his loss are still wide open. When he first passed away, we didn’t really talk about him much. I don’t think either of us really got any closure.
“It would be good for us,” she says, pulling her eyes from the items in her hands to look at me. “I think it’s time we let him go. Maybe we can see if Ben will take us out on his boat, and we can go to the place he was lost, to say goodbye?”
“I would like that,” I tell her watching as tears fill her eyes, she nods once whispering.
“It’s long overdue,”
Wrapping my arm around her shoulder and leaning my head against hers I nod. She was right; it was well past time we said our goodbyes to him. Over the next hour we picked out scrapbooking stickers. It felt good to laugh and talk about the good times we shared before he passed.
“I’m starving,” Rhonda says as we put our bags into the back of my mom’s SUV.
“How about we stop for tacos?” Mom suggests as I climb behind the wheel, and she and Rhonda buckle in.
“Yes,” Rhonda groans, making me laugh. She wasn’t lying about eating for three. Since we left the house this morning, I have seen her eat three cereal bars that she had tucked away inside her bag.
“Is that okay with you, honey?”
“Sounds good.” I say putting the car in drive. Today’s been one of the best days I’ve had in a long time. Mom has always been like my best friend, so spending time with her is always nice, and Rhonda is funny and easy to be around. I’d forgotten what it was like to have girlfriends to talk to. My friends from back home had been Ken’s friends as well. After I found out about his affair, I found out most of them knew about his relationship with Courtney. No one wanted to be the one to tell me what was going on so I was left to find out on my own while my friends went on like they didn’t know my husband was a cheating asshole.
“Baja Tacos is down near the pier,” Mom directs from the backseat as I pull out of the parking lot. When I reach the area near the pier, I comprehend how much the town I had grown up in has changed. Long gone are the small shops, and in their place are large buildings, most of them new.
“Make the next left,” Rhonda says, and I do, turning onto a small dirt road that travels back behind a few of the larger buildings and ends in front of a red shack that sits on stilts, with a large front deck covered in a white roof.
“How long has this place been here?” I ask, shutting off the engine.
“The owners opened it a few years ago. They actually appeared on Food Network for the ‘Best of Alaska’ a while back,” Rhonda replies, getting out and slamming the door.
“That’s so awesome.” I smile into the rearview mirror at my mom before hopping out.
“Austin.” Rhonda yells as I shut the door.
Turning my head, I see Rhonda walking toward the stairs of the restaurant, where Austin and Anna are stepping down into the dirt parking lot. The moment Rhonda stands in front of him, a smile comes over his face that takes my breath away. He leans forward, placing a kiss on her cheek, saying something to her. When she points her thumb over her shoulder, his body goes tight, his head lifts, and our gazes connect, causing a pain to slither through me.
When Austin was mine, I knew every single expression that would cross his face. Most of the time, he would look at me with tenderness, but there were times I would see frustration. What I never saw was anger, and that was the look he was giving me now. That was the look that was slicing me open.
“You ready to go inside?” Mom asks, and I pull my eyes from Austin’s as she takes my hand.
“Yep.” I smile down at her, giving her hand a light squeeze, taking some strength from our connection, a reminder of why I’m really here. When I look toward the restaurant, Austin and Anna are walking off in the opposite direction and Rhonda is waiting for us. My excitement about sitting down to a nice meal is gone, replaced with unease. I don’t even know if I taste the salmon tacos I ordered, and I try to smile when appropriate, but for the most part, I sit with a weight in my stomach while looking out at the beautiful view of the harbor, watching as boats come and go.
“I’ll get it,” I say, getting up off the couch when there’s a knock at the door.
“Will you bring me some of those cookies you baked when you come back?” my mom asks from her recliner, where she sat so we could watch a movie.
“Sure.” I smile, running my hand over her hair.
“Hey,” the deep timber of Austin’s voice greets me as I pull the door open to see him standing on the front porch. My heart starts to beat at a faster tempo as I realize he’s in front of me, so close I can smell his warm, masculine sent mixed with the smell of the ocean…so close I could reach out and touch him, if I was brave enough to do so. “Can I talk to you for a minute?” He shoves his hands into his pockets and takes a step back.
Swallowing hard, my eyes scan over him. “Um.” I look over my shoulder, seeing that my mom is still sitting in her chair. “Sure.” I pull my sweater tighter around me as I step out onto the front porch, letting the screen door close behind me. The moment I’m in front of him, I tilt my head back to catch his eyes. He was always much bigger than me, but now his presence seems to tower over me, making me feel small and insignificant. “What’s going on?” I ask, going for casual hoping that he doesn’t notice the way my voice shakes.
“I wanted to come clear the air.”
“Okay,” I reply, wrapping my arms tighter around myself, when all I want to do is touch him in some way to see if he’s real.
“This is a small town, and there is no way we’re not going to end up running into each other from time to time.”
“I know.”
“I know why you’re here, and I know your mom needs you right now, so I don’t want you to feel awkward when we do see each other.”
“Thank you.” I breathe in relief and his eyes drop from mine to my mouth and annoyance fills his features.
“I hate you, Lea,” he says, causing that small glimmer of hope I was feeling to fizzle out and turn my insides dark.
“I’m sorry,” I choke out.
“You fucking killed me when you left, and I will never forgive you for the things you told your mother to tell me after you were gone.” His words barely register over the anguish twisting my gut and the loud slosh of blood pumping through my veins. “Stay out of my way and I’ll stay out of yours.” I nod, because my lungs have closed up on me. “Later,” he says, then disappears into the darkness, leaving me alone as my lungs collapse.
“Who was at the door?” Mom asks as I hand her the plate of cookies she asked for.
“No one important,” I tell her, taking my seat on the couch, pulling my knees up against my chest, and wrapping my arms around them while I stare at the television, not really seeing it wishing I could just disappear.