Chapter 5
Lea
“Are you okay?”
I tip down my Kindle and look at Mom, who is standing in the doorway of the living room. “Fine, are you okay?” I sit up, setting my Kindle next to me when I notice she’s looking at me strangely.
“You haven’t seen Austin again,” she states, coming to sit down next to me.
“No, and I don’t know if I will. We agreed to be friends, Mom, and even that title is a stretch considering our history.”
It’s been two weeks since I’ve seen Austin…or heard from him, period. I know he’s working, from what Rhonda’s told me, and honestly, it’s easier like this. I don’t need to get caught up in the past; I need to move forward. I’m just happy he isn’t angry with me anymore. That’s more than I could have hoped for.
“I just thought—”
“Mom.” I grab her hand, pulling it to my lap. “I love you, but Austin and I are not going to get back together. He has a girlfriend and they’re moving in together.”
“What?” she whispers, sounding genuinely surprised.
“I’m happy for him. He’s a good guy and deserves to be happy—we both do,” I say, and for the first time, I really mean it. Yes, I’m still a little jealous, but that’s normal. Right?
“Okay.”
“Okay,” I repeat, leaning into her side. “So what do you want to do today?”
“I have a doctor’s appointment at three.”
“You never told me.” I look at the clock, seeing it’s already two.
“It’s just a check-up.”
“I’m still going with you,” I remark. My mom is stubborn, and although she knows she’s sick, most days, there is no stopping her from doing whatever she wants. We have argued more than once about her driving herself places. I just can’t help but think that one day something is going to happen and she is going to either hurt someone else, or herself.
“We’ll leave soon. I just need to make a phone call.” She gets up off the couch and heads toward her bedroom, so I go to my room and find a pair of leggings and a sweater, put them on along with my boots, and then swipe on some mascara and lip gloss. When I walk into the kitchen with my bag, she’s just ending her call.
“Ready?” she asks, placing her phone in her bag and opening the backdoor.
“Yep.” It takes just a few minutes to get to the hospital, and when we arrive, we’re sent to a private room almost immediately after checking in at the front desk.
“Josie,” the doctor greets as he walks in. His head is tilted down, reading over the papers in his hand, so I can’t see his face, but he’s tall, with broad shoulders and a tapered waist. His hair is short but messy, and his skin is tan. When his head lifts, our eyes meet. He’s very handsome—not as good-looking as Austin, but definitely attractive.
“You’re not Josie.” He looks back down at his clipboard with his brows pulled together, making me smile.
“Josie’s my mom.”
“Dr. Rubin,” my mom calls from the chair near the door. “This is my daughter Lea.”
“Lea.” He looks from Mom to me.
“Nice to meet you.” I stick out my hand and he takes it in his, and I notice his hands are smooth and soft, so unlike the roughness of Austin’s.
Dammit, stop thinking about him, Lea! I scold myself.
“Nice to meet you too, Lea. Your mom told me that you were moving to town.”
“Did she?” I look at my mom and raise a brow.
“Dr. Rubin just moved to Cordova from Seattle. I was telling him he needs to get out and explore, instead of being stuck in the hospital all day.”
“As you can see, my mom is very helpful.”
“Yeah, I got that.” He chuckles then points at her. “Come on over; you know the drill.” My mom gets up from her seat and goes to the exam table, lying down. “How have you been feeling?” he asks, lifting her shirt, exposing her stomach, and then pressing in.
“Okay. Tired, not really hungry, but okay.”
“What kinds of food are you able to keep down?”
“Almost everything I eat.”
“She’s been drinking,” I chime in, and my mom narrows her eyes at me. “Well, you have, and I don’t think it’s smart.”
“How often are you drinking?” he asks her, his tone changing from playful to serious.
“Not often, a glass of bourbon every now and then,” she lies.
“Mom,” I scold.
“Fine, a glass of bourbon in the evenings before bed.”
His tone softens as he asks, “Can I ask why you’re drinking?”
“It helps me sleep,” she says quietly, looking at me like she doesn’t want to say more with me in the room with her.
“Hmm,” he murmurs, pressing into her stomach once more. “How’s your pain?”
“About a seven most of the time,” she confesses, and I bite my lip. She has never said she’s in pain, and I feel guilty for not asking that question myself. I honestly forget most of the time that she is even sick because she acts like she always has.
“Have you been taking the medication I prescribed?”
“I haven’t. It makes me feel tired…or more tired than I already am.”
“Mom—”
“I don’t want to sleep my days away.” She pats my hand that’s resting near her hip.
“I hate that you’re in pain.” I wrap my hand around hers and run my fingers over her skin, noticing how thin it feels, how fragile she is.
“I would like to talk to another doctor about pain management and hospice care,” Dr. Rubin says gently.
“Do you really think it’s time for that?”
“Yes,” he says softly, pulling her shirt down, covering her stomach.
“How much longer?” she asks.
“You know I don’t know for sure Josie.”
“Give me your best guess.” She tells him
His eyes come to me then go back to my mom before he says, “A month or two.”
“Wait…a month or two for what?” My voice sounds hysterical to my own ears, but I can’t control it. I feel like my world is crumbling from under my feet.
Her head swings my way and her face goes soft. “Honey—”
“No,” I shake my head, feeling tears pool in my eyes, “I thought you said a few months, not one or two. What about chemo?”
“At this stage, I don’t believe it would help,” Dr. Rubin replies calmly looking as sad as I feel.
“So this is it?” I tilt my head back towards the ceiling, so the tears I feel filling my eyes don’t fall.
“We will do everything within our power to make sure she is comfortable.”
“But she’s not, she’s in pain now,” I retort.
“I’m fine,” she cuts in, and my eyes slice into her.
“You’re dying; you’re not fine. Why don’t you see that?”
“I’m still breathing.”
She is…she is still breathing, while I’m fighting for every breath I take. I know she is dying; I know I will need to accept it, but this is too much. Knowing she will be leaving me sooner than later kills me.
“I’m not ready. I need you here with me.” I choke on the tears that are now falling freely. “It’s not fair,” I whisper, closing my eyes, and her arms wrap around me.
“I know it’s not honey.”
I pull away and rest my forehead against hers, much the same way she used to do when I was little, and whisper, “At least take the pills. I hate the idea of you being in pain.”
“I’ll take them if the pain is unbearable.”
“Your pain’s at a seven, Mom.”
“It’s manageable.”
“You’re so stubborn.” I shake my head.
“And you love me.” She smiles, and I can’t help but to give her a watery smile.
“Dr. Rubin.” She pulls away, looking at him. “Do you have any plans for tonight?”
“I don’t,” he replies, looking at her softly.
“Well, you do now.”
“Do I?” He smiles and I feel my body go tight.
“Dinner tonight, and tomorrow, you can turn me into a zombie with the pills.”
“Mom,” I warn.
“Oh, hush,” she says, and Dr. Rubin starts to laugh.
“Are we having dinner at the usual spot?” he asks her, and I frown, because she has never once mentioned him, and ‘the usual spot’ implies they have gone there more than once. There seems to be a lot of stuff my mom has never mentioned, and that thought makes me uneasy, especially when I think about the comment Austin made.
“Yep, how about six?” she suggests.
“That will give me enough time to get done here. I’ll pick you ladies up.”
“Perfect, and tomorrow, we’ll put my plan in place with Rhonda,” Mom says, and she and Dr. Rubin talk for a few more minutes before we leave the hospital. Once we get into the car, I turn it on then turn my head to look at my mom.
“You know there will be nothing between me and Dr. Rubin, right?”
“Of course,” she says, but her eyes twinkle with mischief.
“I’m serious, Mom.”
“I know you are, honey.”
“Good,” I mutter, put the car in drive, and take us home. The whole way there, I’m trying to think of ways to get out of tonight but nothing comes to mind.
*
“Are you ready?” I ask my mom, walking into her room, where she’s lying on the bed.
“I have a headache.”
“How bad is it?” I question, going to her side.
“Not that bad, but I think it’s a migraine.”
“Did you take something?”
“Yes, I took one of my pills; I’m just waiting for it to kick in.” She sighs, covering her eyes, so I walk to the light switch and flip it off.
“Where’s your phone, so I can call Dr. Rubin and cancel?” I ask, using the light from the doorway to see if I can find it.
“Oh no, you two should go,” she mutters, and I take a breath, knowing exactly what this is.
“Mom, I’m not going out with him without you.”
“He doesn’t really know anyone in town, honey. Do it for me.”
I’m going to kill her. My dying mother is going to die of suffocation when I cover her head with a pillow. “Mom,” I hiss, and she rolls to her side and mumbles something I can’t make out, so I start a panic search for her phone, but come up empty-handed. “I’m going to kill you,” I tell her when the doorbell goes off.
“Have fun, honey.”
“You’re lucky you’re dying,” I grumble.
I hear her laugh and say, “I heard that,” as I make my way from her room to the front door.
“Hey,” I greet Dr. Rubin as I open the door.
“Hi.” He smiles softly looking unsure of what to say.
“Mom has a migraine,” I say, trying not to sound like I’m spitting the words out.
“Really?” His face changes and I see concern in his eyes. “Do you mind if I come in and see her for a moment?”
“Of course not.” I step back then lead him into her room. “Mom, Dr. Rubin’s here.”
“Are you okay, Josie?”
“I just have a headache, nothing serious. I told Lea that you guys should go on without me.”
“What did you take?” he asks, going to her side, so I follow behind him and turn on her bedside lamp so he can see a little better.
“I took one of the pills you prescribed for my migraines,” she says, sounding a million times weaker than she did moments ago when I was in the room with her.
“It should kick in soon,” he tells her.
“I don’t think I should leave you, Mom.”
“Oh, stop. You guys go on. I’m just going to wait for the pill to kick in. There is nothing for you to do for me.”
“She should sleep,” he says, and I want to say, ‘But she’s lying so we’ll go out alone,’ but I have a feeling he would think I’m crazy, so I nod and turn out her light.
“Love you, Mom.”
“Love you too, honey. And take care of my girl, Doctor.”
“Sure.” He chuckles, making me wonder if he knows what she’s up to.
“We don’t have to go,” I tell him when we stop at the front door hoping that he will take pity on me.
“I don’t mind.” He shrugs holding the door open.
Okay, so that isn’t going to work. I grab my bag and follow him out to his car. He goes around to the driver’s side as I open my door. The small fact he didn’t open it annoyed me slightly, but then I remind myself this isn’t a date, so it doesn’t actually matter.
Once we are both buckled in and on our way to town, I try to think of something, anything to talk about but nothing comes to mind. Thank God the drive is short, so it isn’t long before we pull in front of one of the bars on Main Street.
“You don’t mind bar food, do you?”
“Not at all.” I smile and get out, following behind him into the bar.
Once we’re inside, the buzz of people talking fills my ears, and I try my best not to look around for any familiar faces. Being Friday night, the bar is packed, but we find a small table in one of the corners. As soon as we sit down, I pull the menu from the holder in the middle of the table and inspect it, just so I can avoid all the awkward looks I’m receiving. I know word had spread around town about me being home, but for the most part, I’m always at the house, so I never really have much interaction with people. But sitting here, I can feel people looking at me like I’m some kind of leper.
“Do you know what you want to eat?”
“A bacon burger and fries,” I reply.
“I’m getting the same. I’ll go put in our orders. What would you like to drink?”
“Corona.” I smile, or try to, and he nods, getting up from the table and heading to the bar, coming back a couple minutes later with two beers, both Alaskan Amber, which I hate, but instead of saying anything, I take the bottle from him and gulp down half.
“So, Dr. Rubin—”
“Keith.” He smiles, taking a pull from his beer.
“Okay, Keith. What made you move to Cordova?”
“I’m not sure. There was an opening in Alaska for a doctor, and I figured, what the hell? I may as well see if I like it before I have kids and a wife to worry about. What about you? Are you planning on sticking around?”
“I actually don’t know what I’m going to do,” I say, then every hair on my body stands on end. I look towards the door as Austin walks in with Ben and Rhonda. I sit up taller as Rhonda waves, and Austin follows her gaze to me. The moment our eyes connect, I feel a surge rush through me. Then his eyes move to Keith and I see something flare in their blue depths I can’t make out, or I choose not to.
“Do you want to invite them over to sit with us?” Keith asks, and my eyes go to him.
“I’m sure they’re going to get their own table,” I tell him, once again trying to smile, but failing miserably.
“We have room,” he says, scooting toward me.
“Hey, Lea. Hi, Dr. Rubin,” Rhonda says, pulling off her coat and setting it on the back of one of the empty chairs at our table. “Do you mind if we sit with you? There aren’t really any tables left.”
I look from her to Ben then to Austin, and my pulse spikes as his fists clench at his sides. This is such a bad idea. “Sure.” I smile, and she moves to sit one chair over, and Ben sits next to her, forcing Austin to take the seat on my other side. “Keith, this is Austin and Ben. Rhonda, you already know.” Everyone greets each other—Ben with a, “Hi,” Rhonda with a smile, and Austin with a chin lift and a grunt.
“I’ve been craving a giant hamburger all day, so I called the boys to see if they wanted to go get something to eat,” Rhonda says.
“We just put in our orders,” Keith tells them, and Austin grunts again then leans back, placing his arm on the back of my chair. I start to lean forward, but his fingers in my hair prevent me from getting anywhere.
“How do you two know each other?” Ben asks, and I clear my throat, feeling suddenly uncomfortable.
“Keith is Mom’s doctor,” I say, earning another grunt from Austin. “She was supposed to come with us, but got a headache.”
“Is she okay?” Rhonda asks, not sounding concerned at all, which surprises me.
“She’s fine,” I mutter, suddenly finding the label on my beer bottle very interesting.
“You know what you want, Wolf?” Ben asks, pulling his arm from around Rhonda and standing.
“The usual,” Austin says, then Ben’s head dips to look at Rhonda.
“What do you want to drink, babe?”
“A virgin daiquiri.” She smiles, and he shakes his head and dips lower, brushing his mouth against hers before walking off to the bar.
“I’m going to use the restroom,” I say, praying that Austin releases my hair so I can get up without looking like I’ve gotten whiplash. Lucky for me, he does. The second I stand, I realize my dilemma. Austin is on one side, and Keith is on the other, both of them caging me in. “Excuse me,” I tell Austin, scooting in front of him, and then cry out as my feet get tangled and I end up in his lap. His arms wrap around me and the whiskers from his beard tickle my neck, where I feel him inhale a sharp breath against my skin, causing my core to contract.
“Sorry,” I stammer. His hands give me a squeeze as he lifts me up, putting me on my feet. “Thanks.” I mutter not even looking at him before I rush to the bathroom, shut and lock the door, then go to the sink and run my hands under the cool water.
“Lea,” Rhonda says from the other side of the door, so I take a breath, open it, and move out of the way, when she joins me inside. “Are you okay?”
“Yep.” I bite my lip and she narrows her eyes.
“You wanna talk about it?”
“Austin’s here,” I blurt, covering my face, then lower them when I hear her begin to laugh. “What’s funny?”
“Austin said the same thing, only it was more of a growl, when he saw you were here with Keith.”
“I’m not here with Keith.” She raises a brow. “Not like that. Mom’s playing sick,” I whine.
“Austin doesn’t know that.”
“He does; I just told him,” I explain.
“Okay, he didn’t know that. He just saw you with another man and flipped.”
“He didn’t,” I whisper.
“Lea, you need to open your eyes.”
“He told me he hated me. I mean, I know since then he said he didn’t mean it and has been nice, but you didn’t see the look in his eyes when he told me.”
“Since then, you guys have had a few talks, and even a meal together.”
“He hasn’t talked to me in weeks,” I try again, not wanting to even hope she could be right.
“I think he’s trying to get his head figured out.”
“He has a girlfriend,” I remind her, feeling that realization crush against me like a boulder.
“Who, Anna?” She laughs, waving me off.
“They’re moving in together,” I scoff.
She grumbles something under her breath then grabs my hand. “A few days before the baby shower, he told Anna he didn’t want to see her anymore.”
“What?” I hiss, pulling my hand from her grasp.
“I won’t tell you you’re the reason, but you’re the reason.”
“Oh, God.” My stomach drops and my eyes get big.
“Lea, it’s okay. I told you they were not as serious as she made them out to be.”
She did tell me that, but I still feel bad thinking that me being in town is what broke them up.
“Just let it flow,” she singsongs.
“Let it flow?” I shake my head.
“Yes, let it flow. Whatever happens is what is supposed to happen, so just sit back and enjoy the ride.”
“Have you been drinking?”
“I wish.” She smiles then unlocks the door. “Now, let’s go eat. I’m starving.”
I follow her back to the table, where the guys are all talking while looking at the TV hanging in one of the corners. When I reach the table, I debate once again on how to get to my seat and wonder how dumb it would look if I crawled under the table.
My gaze goes to Austin. He tips his head to the side and I swear I see a smirk form on his lips, right before I squeeze in front of him, praying I don’t end up in his lap again. I bite my lip when his hands go to my hips as I pass, helping steady me until my ass touches the seat. “Thanks,” I tell him then look up and glare when I hear Rhonda laugh from across the table.
“Are you okay?” Keith asks quietly, and I turn towards him.
“I’m fine.” I ignore the slight tug of my hair and give him one of my perfected fake smiles.
“Do you have plans for tomorrow?” he asks.
Oh, God, I’m really going to kill my mom for this. “I—”
“She’s going with me,” Austin cuts in, and I spin my head around to look at him. “Sorry, man.” He leans forward, putting his elbows on the table, then looks from Keith to me. “I called Larry, and we’re going to look at his office space tomorrow.”
“What?” I breathe, trying to wrap my head around what the hell is happening.
He shrugs and takes a drink of his beer. “Figured it wouldn’t hurt to check it out.”
“I…” I look around the table at everyone watching me then over at Keith, who looks slightly disappointed, but not much. “Sorry,” I tell him, and he shrugs, taking a drink of his beer.
“There’s salmon in the rivers all summer long. We can go another time.”
“Yeah,” I agree, feeling another tug on my hair, which I ignore like the others.
Thankfully, the rest of dinner is filled with quiet banter and laughs, sitting there I couldn’t help feeling like this is where I’m supposed to be.