Chapter 4
Lea
“Are you ready to go?”
“Yep.” I smile at my mom then grab the bunch of red balloons that were floating in the kitchen before following her out of the house to her SUV, where I shove them all into the backseat.
“How many people are coming?” I question as I drive down to the dock, where there are cars jammed into the parking lot.
“I’m not sure. I know a lot of people wanted to join us when they found out what we were doing.” She mutters absently looking around while my heart fills with warmth at her words. I knew a lot of people loved my dad but seeing how many showed up to say goodbye with us is almost overwhelming.
“We should have done this a long time ago,” I say quietly, reaching over to squeeze her hand.
“I should have been stronger,” she says, and I hear tears in her voice as she gives me a squeeze back.
“You did the best you could, Mom.”
“When I go, honey, I don’t want you to hold onto that pain. I want you to breathe through it and move on with your life don’t do what I did.”
“I’m not sure it’s going to be that easy.”
“You need to make it that easy honey,” she says, opening her door and getting out before I have a chance to say anything else. Taking a deep breath, I pull the balloons from the backseat then follow her.
“Holy crap,” I whisper, taking in the scene before me. Five boats are docked side-by-side, each of them with at least twenty people onboard. I make my way down to Ben’s boat, and my heart begins to hammer in my chest when I see Austin. His hand is out, helping my mom aboard.
“Give me your hand baby.” Austin calls and I hadn’t even realized I was standing froze in place near the edge of the boat.
“I.” His hand shoots out wrapping around my wrist before I can back away then he puts one foot on the dock and lifts me over the ledge of the boat. When my feet touch the floor his face dips towards mine.
“Are you okay?”
I lift my eyes to him and feel my lip tremble at the concerned look in his gaze.
“I’m okay.”
“You’re lying.”
“I know,” I agree, trying to pull free from his embrace.
“I want you to come over tonight.” He says and all worries about being on the boat are forgotten.
“Why?” I lower my voice. “We’re not friends, Austin. You told me that straight up, so there is no reason for us to spend time together.”
“I lied; I don’t hate you. I wanted to hate you—my life would have been easier if I could have—but I don’t. I never have. I want to be your friend, Lea. I think you could use a friend right now.” Maybe in another lifetime I could have been his friend, but there’s too much history between us now.
I watch pain flash in his eyes as he whispers, “She hasn’t told you.”
“Pardon?”
“Honey, we’re pulling off. Do you want to come inside with me?” my mom breaks in.
Austin’s eyes go to her and he looks like he wants to say something, but thinks better of it before telling me, “Go on inside. You shouldn’t be out in the cold.”
I want to ask him what he meant when he said she hasn’t told me, but the boat starts up and he turns his back on me, leaning over the side and pulling off the rope that keeps us tethered to the dock. I follow my mom into the wheelhouse, where Rhonda and Ben are, but I don’t take my eyes off Austin as he stands on the deck, looking out at the water, a million emotions playing across his face.
“What was Austin saying?” Rhonda asks, and I look at her, seeing concern in her eyes.
“He asked me to come over tonight,” I tell her without thinking about the other people with us. I’m still caught off guard by his request.
“You should go,” my mom chimes in, causing my gaze to go to her. “It would be good for you to get out of the house.” She may be right about me getting out of the house. Since coming into town, I have only left the house to go to the store. But spending time with Austin wouldn’t be good for me. In fact, I’m pretty sure it would be bad…really, really bad.
“You should go,” Rhonda agrees then looks at my mom, and I see something pass between them.
“I’ll think about it,” I tell them, and I will, but I won’t go. Thankfully, they let it go, and we spend the rest of the ride in silence.
When we reach where the remains of my dad’s boat were found, I take in the beauty of the location. The sun’s out, reflecting off the calm water, and off in the distance are small islands covered in lush forest. It looks like somewhere my dad would have brought my mom and me to just float around in the water and have lunch, like we did often when he had a day off. After all five boats make a circle and drop anchor, people stand out on the decks of the boats, chatting and telling stories about my dad, while I pass around balloons and markers to people who want them.
“Are you okay?” I ask, taking a seat next to my mom as I watch her write away on the red balloon, covering almost the whole surface with her message to Dad.
“For once, I feel free,” she tells me, handing over the black sharpie she was using. “It’s beautiful here, isn’t it?” She looks up at the view then back to me.
“It is.”
“I resented the ocean for so long for taking him away from me. So long, I forgot it was what brought him to me in the first place.”
“What do you mean?”
“Your dad was a fisherman. Without the sea bringing him to Cordova, to me, we never would have met. I never would have had you.”
“It took him from us,” I remind her as tears fill my eyes.
“He left this earth doing something he loved, something that was in his blood. He loved us—don’t get me wrong—and I know deep down in my bones that he fought to come home, but I also know if he had to die, he did it in the place he loved.”
She was right; my dad would spend the winters at home, and even if he was happy, he was never happier than when he would put his boat back in the water for the first time each year.
“I know you’re right, but it still hurts.”
“It’s okay to hurt.” She wraps her arms around me, causing tears to spill from my eyes. When she pulls away, her eyes go to the balloon in my hand. “Write your message, honey, then we let him go.”
I nod and watch as she gets up, going to the edge of the boat. I look down at the shiny red surface and begin to write.
The sun always rises, and sets again tomorrow. You told me that once, and I finally understand what you meant. I wish things had been different, that losing you didn’t change my whole life. I wish I would have been stronger, braver, more prepared to face life head-on, to not get caught up in the ‘might haves’. I miss you, Dad, and I know your wish for me would be to find peace. I promise you now that I will find a way to push through to make you proud. Soon, I will be sending Mom to you, and in return, I ask you to send me strength.
Love you.
I put the cap back on the pen and look up, catching Austin’s eye as he releases a balloon into the air. I follow it up, trying to read what it says, but the only words I can make out are ‘care of’ as the balloon disappears out of sight.
“Are you ready?” My mom asks.
Nodding I Stand and follow her to the edge of the boat. Her hand finds mine as we look at each other then we both hold out the balloons in front of us and let them go. Watching them dance in the clear blue sky until they look like specks of dust being carried in the wind. When she wraps her arm around my waist and leans into my side, I feel lighter from letting go—not of the memories of my dad, but the pain of losing him.
“To Jacob.”
A loud roar goes up, and I watch the people around us lift glasses to their lips full of amber liquid.
“To Jacob.” I repeat feeling a weight lift off my chest.
*
“What time are you meeting Austin?” Mom asks, taking a seat in her chair across from where I’m sprawled out on the couch.
“I’m not.”
Austin asked me again before I got off the boat. I told him I would try, but knew there was no way I would.
“Lea.” She sounds disappointed, so I pull my eyes away from the TV so I can look at her.
“It’s not a good idea, Mom.” I say softly.
“What’s the worst that could happen?”
“I don’t know.” I cover my face, groaning.
“Before he was your boyfriend, he was your friend.” She reminds me, I don’t remember how we became friends. We had always gone to school together but then one day we started talking and after that we were inseparable. It wasn’t until we turned fifteen that he asked me to be his girlfriend.
“Yeah, but then he was the guy I was going to marry. The history between us is messy, and I don’t know if I’m ready to explain myself to him,” I confess.
“Did he tell you that he wants you to explain?”
“No.” I frown. I also don’t know why he wants to spend time with me, especially after making himself perfectly clear the other night.
“How did you feel today after we let go of those balloons?”
“Relieved,” I sigh.
“Do you think maybe—just maybe—your history with Austin is something you need to acknowledge then move on from?”
No, I don’t think that at all. Deep down, I don’t want to move on from it. I want to remember things just as they were. I want to think that if I had stayed, things would have been different. The idea of letting the thought of what could have been go feels almost as painful as leaving the first time.
“You need to let it go,” she tells me with tears in her eyes. “Be his friend, but let the past go.”
“When did you become so philosophical I smile, making her face light up.
“I’ve learned a lot over the last couple of months.” She says looking at me softly.
“Yeah,” I agree. She seems so settled with everything, like she’s really made peace with the situation, and trying to do the same for me.
“Now go change.” She waves her hand towards my bedroom door, making me frown.
“Why do I need to change?” I look down at my sweat bottoms and hoodie.
“Whether he’s a man you want or not, you always need to look your best. You never know when you might meet your destiny.”
“That’s very cryptic.” I shake my head, get off the couch, and go to where she’s sitting, bend down to kiss her cheek.
“Trust me. I know what I’m talking about.”
“Well then, my destiny is going to have to meet me wearing jeans and a hoodie,” I tell her, and her laughter follows me to my room, where I change into a pair of dark blue jeans then slip on my boots and coat.
“I’ll be back soon,” I call around the corner of the living room.
“I won’t wait up.” She singsongs.
I smile and shake my head, closing the door behind me.
It takes ten minutes to get down to the pier, and by the time I arrive, there is a ball of anxiety sitting in my belly that is making me feel like I should turn the car around and go home.
“You can do this,” I whisper to my reflection in the rearview mirror before I get out of my car and walk down the dimly lit dock until I’m in front of Austin’s boat, which is dark, except for a sliver of light shining through the door to the lower cabin. “This is stupid.” I climb onto the boat then knock on the door, listening as the stairs creek on the other side.
“You came,” Austin greets, looking surprised then looks downstairs, and I wonder if Anna’s here with him. Suddenly, I feel nauseous, and my hands start to sweat. He’s taken a shower; his hair is slightly damp around the edges, and he smells like soap. His legs are covered in jeans, and his broad chest in a black long-sleeved shirt with four buttons at the neck, which are open, giving a glimpse of the hair on his chest.
“We can do this some other time,” I suggest as I start to back up.
“No, come on. I just put a pizza in.”
Shutting the door behind me, I follow him down the stairs. When we reach the small kitchen, music is playing softly in the background.
“Let me take your coat.” I pull off my jacket and hand it to him, watching as he hangs it on a hook near the stairs, and then, not knowing what to do, I stand there awkwardly, looking around. The cabin is small, with a short hallway that leads to a closed door, which I’m sure holds a bedroom. There is a small bench seat, with a wooden table between the cushions, all black, along with the curtains covering one of the windows. The stove has two burners, and the oven below looks more like a microwave.
“Do you want a beer?”
“Sure,” I mutter, taking a seat, watching as the muscles in his arms flex as twists open a beer from the fridge before handing it to me.
“Thanks,” I say, taking the bottle from his hand, his eyes meet mine, and I see something flash through them before he turns away, not giving me a chance to read the look.
“Rhonda was saying you do accounting.” He says grabbing a beer and sitting down across from me.
Small talk. I can do small talk with him. It’s the talking about the past that makes me feel uneasy.
“I am—well, I was. I left my firm when my mom told me she needed me here with her.” Lucky for me, I had been saving money for years, so I had a nice nest egg I could use to keep my head above water for a while until I figured out what I was doing.
“You always did like numbers.” He looks at me over his shoulder, and I see a small smile on his lips, one that causes my belly to flutter.
“I still do. They never change,” I reply, then once again want to kick myself when his smile disappears. “What about you? I know you’re still fishing, but why are you living on your boat?”
“My house is being renovated right now.”
“Oh.”
“Do you remember the Manderville house?” he asks, taking a seat across from me, so I turn to face him, nodding my head. The Manderville house is a large log cabin that sits near the water. The entire front view of the house is all large windows, with a huge wraparound porch that looks out at the sound. I loved that house and used to dream that it one day would be mine.
“I bought it three years ago, and have been slowly remodeling it.”
“Wow,” I whisper. That house was priced at over a million dollars when I left home, so I can only imagine what it would cost now.
“It needed a lot of work, but everything should be done this summer, so hopefully I can get settled there over the winter,” he says, and Anna comes to mind. She would be living there with him.
“I’m happy for you,” I lie as jealousy rears its ugly head. “How are your mom, dad, and Bre?” I change the subject.
“Good. Mom and Dad moved to Anchorage a year ago, to be closer to Bre and her husband.”
“Bre got married?” I ask, surprised. Bre was always wild. She was three years older than Austin, and had never really settled. She was always on the move, wanting a new adventure.
“Yeah, she and Sean are expecting their second baby any time now.”
“My mom hasn’t told me anything,” I say then watch as annoyance enters his eyes before he looks away, toward the oven that begins to beep.
“I hope you still like pepperoni.”
“I do.” My stomach flutters that he remembers.
He stands, shuts off the oven, pulls out the pizza, and then fumbles around in a drawer until he finds a pizza cutter. He begins to cut up slices before placing them on paper plates, setting one in front of me.
“Thank you.” When I smile, his eyes drop to my mouth and he grunts before taking a seat across from me, making me smile bigger. He was never really a talker when we were younger. He would always grunt when he got his way or proved a point, and that sound coming from him now somehow settles inside of me.
“Have you thought about what you’re going to do after?” he asks, taking a bite of his pizza.
I know he means after my mom passes away, so I shake my head then continue with, “My mom wants me to ask Larry if he would be willing to sell me his office space.”
“You would stay in town?” he asks, sounding annoyed again, making me wish I never said anything. Of course we were sitting here now, but that doesn’t mean he wants me to move back.
“I don’t know,” I mutter. “I haven’t thought much about it.”
“What about your husband?” There is no mistaking the anger in his voice while asking that question, so I sit up a little taller.
“Ex-husband.”
“Okay, what about you’re ex-husband?”
“What do you mean?” I ask shortly.
“How’s he feel about you moving away?”
“Obviously, he’s my ex, so he doesn’t have a say in what I do, and I doubt Courtney would be pleased if he did care.”
“Who’s Courtney?” he frowns.
“His girlfriend, my replacement.”
“What?” he growls, sending tingles through my body.
“He was having an affair the last three years we were married.”
“Seriously.”
“Yeah, and just to make it sound all the more cliché, it was with his assistant, who is ten years younger than me.” I roll my eyes, not even upset about it anymore, which is surprising.
“Jesus, babe.”
“I know.” I shake my head, taking another bite of pizza.
“You should ask,” he states.
“Pardon?”
“Larry, you should talk to him.”
“I’m not sure,” I say, and he shrugs, taking another bite, and before I know it, we’re both done eating and I look at the clock on the wall, seeing it’s after ten.
“I’ll walk you out,” he offers.
“It’s okay; I can see myself out.” I smile and pull my coat on then go to the stairs, and he’s right behind me, pulling on a hoodie, causing the bottom of his shirt to lift slightly, giving a glimpse of his abs. I turn back around and race up the steps as the tingling in my belly transfers to between my legs. I hear him mutter something from behind me, but I’m too caught up in getting away to pay attention. Once I reach the deck, I take a gulp of air then jump when his hand wraps around my arm.
“Easy,” he mumbles, leading me to the edge of the boat, stepping off, but then instead of just taking my hand and helping me over, his hands span my waist and he lifts me up, placing me on my feet in front of him. Making me once again realize how different we are in size.
“You really don’t have to walk me.”
“I want to.” He places his hand at the small of my back and leads me down the dock. I try to ignore the warmth from his palm as it burns through my coat and sweatshirt, but I just can’t. I swear my body is feeding off his touch, taking in his warmth, wrapping it around me. When we reach my car, I don’t have a chance to open the door before he does, and I’m stunned when his lips come down, grazing my cheek, where he murmurs, “Get home safe.”
“’Night, Austin,” I whisper, getting into the car, slamming the door, and putting the keys in the ignition. I leave the parking lot as quickly as possible before I do something stupid, like go back and demand that he kiss me.
When I get home, the house is dark, so I go to my bedroom, strip off my clothes, and get into bed, where, for once, I don’t think about everything that’s gone wrong in my life. I think about Austin.