Chapter 24
I chewed my lip as I paced the living room. West and Adam were hanging out today, giving me the perfect opportunity to head over to Tara’s. Adam said she was pretty engrossed in keeping the band’s social media relevant while they were recording, but that she would be at her parent’s house. I looked down at Sadie, and she cocked her head at me.
“I know I should just go,” I said as I leaned down and scratched under her chin. Her leg banged against the floor, but despite how much she was enjoying the attention, she still gave me a look like I should get going. I groaned, standing. “Fine. I might as well get it over with.”
It had already been two weeks since I brought the idea up to West and Adam, but I’d wanted Tara to have some time to cool off from whatever she was pissed about during the hockey game. My team whooped Adam’s ass, and that only seemed to make her even more sullen. Alec had ordered pizza after the first game, and Tara had snuck out, having her mom pick her up. I ignored it, instead concentrating on memorializing Bobby through game after game of hockey with friends and family. I couldn’t walk the next day, but I was also smiling the whole time. It felt good to be happy about Bobby’s life instead of depressed it no longer existed.
I closed my eyes, tipping my head back as my stomach knotted. I was doing this for Bobby. The light in the room shifted, and warmth moved over my face. It was like one of Bobby’s hugs. I opened my eyes to see Sadie had pushed the curtains open and was staring out the window at my car.
“Fine!” I said, throwing my hands up. I grabbed my coat, slipping on my gloves before turning to face Sadie who had now hopped onto the couch. “You be good. I’ll be back soon.”
She gave me a bored look before turning her attention to the television, which was set on WBH Boston. My favorite cooking show’s introduction played, and I huffed. Sadie looked back at me as if to say you need to leave.
“Okay, I get it.” I headed out into the chilly January weather, happy that West had an electronic starter installed in my car as a surprise. I’d started it twenty minutes ago, so it was already warm.
“You can do this.” I put the car into gear. My jaw clenched, and I turned up the radio. “You can do this.”
I parked in front of Tara’s parent’s house, and my pulse thrummed in my ears. My knuckles went white against the steering wheel as heat flushed over my body. I turned off the ignition but still couldn’t manage to get my ass out of the car. Tara had made it clear she didn’t want to be around me, and now I was walking right into the lion’s den alone.
“You can do this,” I said to myself yet again, and this time my breath came out in a puff against the cold that was already settling into the car. I could freeze or go inside the house. That was if she let me. I inhaled through my nose and finally forced myself out of the car and up to the front steps. I knocked two times before I could chicken out.
Tara pulled the door open slowly, crossing her arms as I came into view. “Seriously? Did you guys plan this?”
My eyebrows lifted without my permission, and the scowl on her face deepened, showing creases where I knew Tara wouldn’t want them to be.
“You should smile more often if you want to avoid wrinkles,” I said, and she started to shut the door. I put my hand out to stop it, hoping I wouldn’t break my wrist from the force of her slamming it. “Wait, we need to talk.”
Tara rolled her eyes before heading into the house without inviting me in. The door was still open, so I followed. She flopped down on the couch and pulled a pillow to her chest. The smell of chocolate chip cookies permeated the air. My jaw clenched. It was just like when I told her I was leaving Adam. I hoped this time it ended better.
“What do you want?” Tara asked, looking at me standing awkwardly in front of her. I took a seat in the chair across from where she was. At least if Tara tried to strangle me, I’d have a chance at getting away. Her lips twitched, almost into a smile, as if she knew that’s what I was thinking.
“We’re never going to get back to where we were, are we?” I asked, and my stomach did angry flips as she stared at me.
Her jaw popped. “No.”
I tilted my head back, rubbing my temples. “I’m trying here, Tara. I truly miss you. The you that didn’t spit venom at me.”
“It’s not going to happen, River. Too much has gone on,” she replied, and her words cut into me.
“Like what? I didn’t leave you. I left Adam. You chose him over me,” I said, and my head jerked back as I realized I was the one who should be pissed. She chose my ex-boyfriend over me. An ex she was never truly friends with; one she never showed any interest in — one she felt wasn’t even good enough for me originally.
She looked away, pulling the pillow tighter to her. “It’s not about you leaving Adam anymore.”
“Then what is it?” I threw my hands up.
Her face paled as she picked at the strings on the edge of the pillow she held. Tara’s chin trembled. “I remember everything now. Every single second of that crash. I wish I didn’t, then maybe I could get past it all.”
Bobby’s words rolled in my head, sending chills up my spine. Part of me always felt like I’d just been talking to myself, despite West saying that Bobby was my guardian angel.
“I don’t understand. Please,” I said, my voice cracking. “I want to understand.”
Her chest rose, and the words came from her lips in a pained whisper, “Bobby said I love you, River. And then he said Adam’s name…and then everything went black.”
“He could’ve–” I began, but she cut me off with the shake of her head.
“He didn’t, Riv. I know he didn’t.”
My body rushed with uncomfortable tingles. There was nothing I could say to change Tara’s mind or to fix it.
She tossed the pillow aside. “Don’t you get it? I was never going to be you for Bobby, and I’ll never be you for Adam.”
Cold sunk into me as I stared back at her. “Both of those relationships were destroyed, Tara. You shouldn’t want to be what I was to them because it fucked everything up.”
“They both loved you more than anything in the world.” She stood, her cheeks flushed. “You keep winning, River, and you don’t even see it. You loved both of them, and they both loved you. You made your choice, and it was the wrong one. If you’d chosen Bobby, he’d still be alive.”
I slowly shook my head. “I’ll take the blame for imploding my relationships with Bobby, Adam and even you, but I will never take the blame for Bobby’s death. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. I’ve come to terms with that, and if you can’t, then we won’t get back to where we were. And if you keep blaming me, then you’ll never have Adam. He won’t stand for that.”
She licked her lips. “Because he still loves you–“
I cut her off, my voice hard. “And I still love him, but we’re not in love with each other. I’m not even convinced we ever were. You came to terms with Bobby loving me, why can’t you give Adam the same benefit?”
Her gaze drifted to Adam’s purple bass, sitting on a stand in the corner of the room.”Because he won’t let me.”
My eyes stayed on the guitar, my heart hammering in my chest. Memories and emotions rolled over me, ending with the way Adam reached for Tara’s hand on the table at the restaurant recently.
“You’re blind,” I said, watching as she turned and sat back down. Her eyes finally met mine, and my voice cracked. “Adam has feelings for you, but there’s a roadblock that’s not me in the way. It’s Bobby, and he got over that with me. Bobby’s dead now, and you’d think that would make things easier, but it doesn’t. Adam has to figure out how to be comfortable with it…just like you do.”
“Things can never be easy with the Beckerson’s, can it?” she asked.
My shoulders lifted. “It makes them even easier to love.”
Tara laughed, and there wasn’t any anger left in the sound. “Do you want a cookie? I put coconut in this batch.”
“Coconut?” I asked, and she winked at me. “I love coconut.”
“It’s possible I might have missed you a little bit, too,” she replied, standing. “Forgive me?”
“Only if you talk to Adam about how you feel,” I said, following her into the kitchen.
She held out the plate of cookies. “I don’t know if I can handle that quite yet.”
“That’s alright; I’m not sure I can handle seeing you kiss him quite yet.” I took a cookie and locked eyes with her. “But that’s what you do for people you love. You handle shit you don’t think you can, and then you realize it’s all worth it if they’re happy.”
“You think I can make Adam happy?” She looked down at the plate of cookies.
“You already do.”