Chapter 4
Months. I’d gone months without thinking about Adam. Not a day went by without thinking of Bobby, but Adam was different. Somehow West had irradicated the worry I had about Adam. I’d gotten past what happened and accepted him for what he was: a drunk rockstar.
But now everywhere I turned he was there. From the second I saw that statue of us as kids he hadn’t left my mind, haunting me around every corner in a subconscious way.
Now, I held a letter addressed to my boyfriend from my ex-boyfriend. I’d know that chicken scratch anywhere, and even in this yellow padded envelope without a return address, I knew it was him.
Adam.
He wouldn’t know I was with West unless he saw the video of me singing with him in the background next to Alec. Then again, that didn’t actually mean we were dating; we could just be friends. I shook my head.
He’s not trying to interfere.
Why would he? He was living it up on the road. Not that I really knew that. Aside from watching the music video, I hadn’t tried to look anything up on Fade Burn or Adam. I sat down at the island, the light package causing my hands to sweat as I stared down at it.
“No how was your day, honey? No love for your fur children?” West asked as he turned from the stove where he was cooking dinner. The man loved Italian food and the whole house smelled of garlic and red sauce. If my mind hadn’t been frozen on Adam, I’d of noticed. I probably would have seen the three fur babies West and I shared clawing at my pants, too.
I swallowed, looking at him and placing the package on the island. West’s gaze lowered to it and his arm tattoos contorted as his fist tightened around the spatula he was holding.
“Oh.”
I blinked at him as he stared down at the package.
“I should try to explain,” he said, eyes coming up mine, shadowed by his brows. He paused, leaning his palms against the counter. I raised an eyebrow as I waited for him to continue, but he didn’t. Instead, he turned back to the stove and shut it off. He grabbed the package from the counter and nodded to the door. “But I think it’s best if I show you.”
West didn’t explain where we were going, and we sat in silence as I stared at the yellow package between us. My fingers itched to rip it open and reveal the contents. Instead, I looked away, shoving my hands under my thighs as the trees rushed passed us. My throat constricted as the Audi slowed, the blinker clicking and the sound of the engine thundering in my brain as the cemetery came into view. West reached over and took my hand, squeezing it as he turned in the driveway. He seemed to know the cemetery by heart. A sad glaze came over his eyes as he slowed the car to park a few rows down from Bobby’s plot.
West nodded to the envelope. “You take it.”
I pulled my jacket tighter against my body as I followed him to a heart-shaped headstone, and he kneeled down. He pulled a rock from his pocket and kissed it before placing it at the base with a pile of other ones that formed a ring around the entire stone. They were beach rocks, in an array of colors that seemed carefully chosen. Among the stones rubbed smooth by ocean waves were only the most perfect seashells.
“She loved the ocean,” he said as he kneeled there with his arms propped on his thighs. “It didn’t matter what season it was — she loved it. So each time I come I bring a little piece of it back to her to let her know I still go and relish the things she loved.”
I nodded even though I knew he couldn’t see me and my eyes rose to the dates April 21, 1987 – July 9, 2010.
Twenty- three. Bobby had four years more than she did. Both were too young to die. West turned to face me.
“I was never strong enough to visit frequently. The emotions are still so raw. I miss my best friend, and I wish it could stop, but I feel him everywhere– which should be good, but sometimes it hurts so much to know he’s really not there.”
West’s fingers came up, catching tears I didn’t even know formed. His green eyes deepened as they flicked across my face. “He is there.”
“I’ve had a few dreams… They’re so vivid I feel like he’s alive again. Usually, he’s chastising me, which is odd because that was my job when he was alive. It’s like death suddenly gave him wisdom in my brain.”
I waited for him to laugh, but his eyes remained serious and trained on me. When he spoke, his voice was stern, as if he needed to convince me his words were true. “It’s him, Riv. He’s your guardian angel.”
I forced my lips up even though my head spun. “Yeah, I guess so.”
Bobby’s words echoed in my head, and I swallowed hard.
You’re going to break Brighton.
I fought the angry waves of fear washing over me. I didn’t want to break West, and what did Bobby allude to with Adam?
That this wouldn’t be good for him either.
My stomach clenched as West nodded to the package I clutched in my hands.
“Open it.”
I struggled with the plastic pull that would quickly open the envelope but finally got it. Inside were guitar picks, in all different colors. West held his hand out for me and guided me through the granite markers.
Was I destined to hurt every single person I loved? I fought the urge to run back to the car– to slam it in gear and drive far away from anywhere there was a human I cared about and would eventually destroy. Instead, I kept walking, pacing my erratic breaths as I tried to gain control of my emotions. We stopped in front of Bobby’s grave, and the ground around his headstone was a rainbow of guitar picks.
“One for every show he’s played.” West nodded to the package in my hands. The paper edges dug into my palms from how hard I held it. “Adam was struggling with going on the road again, and I mentioned what I did for Soph, and maybe he could do something similar. I agreed to take them here each time he sent them. This way Bobby’s always with him.”
He gave me a soft smile, reaching out and touching my cheek. “Want to do the honors?”
Tears filled my eyes, and I nodded, kneeling down and tipping the package over so the picks bounced over the ground against each other. West had thought of this; a way for Bobby to always be with Adam. A sob racked my body. I didn’t want to break West. I wanted to make him as whole as he made me. Who he was, his kindness and caring, Bobby-like humor and his presence that was so uniquely his, a mix of strength and pain and warmth, made me feel like me.
Why hadn’t Bobby come back since that dream? Was it because he was disappointed I hadn’t listened? That he thought I was fine breaking everyone I cared about?
West kneeled down next to me, pulling me into his arms and rocking me back and forth. I remembered coming to this place and telling Bobby about my broken dreams, seeing Adam here as my shattered dreams and now new dreams I didn’t even realize I had disintegrated in front of me.
I just wanted to be happy with West. I wanted to live and love him without all the burden and pain, but if Bobby was an angel he had to know that wouldn’t happen.
“Shh,” West said his voice rough with his own emotion. “I’m sorry I suggested this. I didn’t realize it’d be so hard for you. I’m so sorry.”
I pulled away and looked up at him. “I don’t want to break you.”
“What makes you think you will?” West asked as my hands moved to his shoulders.
“When we first met — that was the last time I had a dream with Bobby in it. He–” My voice cracked. “He said I didn’t know you. That I couldn’t understand and that I’d break you. He had to have known what happened with Sophia. I don’t want to hurt you.”
West’s gaze dropped from mine, and his hands went up to cover my own.
“I don’t think guardians can see the future. They know the past and the present– but things change, River. Maybe he never thought you’d let me in. Hell, I didn’t think you would, and he knows you better than anyone in the world.”
“Then why hasn’t he come back to tell me he was wrong?” I asked, my breathing calming at his words.
“I haven’t heard from Soph in a year. Guardians come when we need guidance. If we’re on the right track, there’s no reason to come. Do you think you’ll break me?” His eyes were set on me now, lips in a line of tension as he waited for my response.
I closed my eyes. “I’m afraid I break everything I love.”
West’s lips touched mine, a kiss so painfully sweet I never wanted it to end. He pulled away and kissed my nose and then my forehead before speaking again.
“You haven’t broken anything, and if you have, it’s within your power to fix it. And I’ll be by your side to help you– even when it’s Adam.”
I opened my eyes, and a tingling rushed up my back. It was a warm embrace I missed so much, followed by the faint smell of Twilight Woods; the cologne Tara hated, but I loved. The one that was Bobby, and I knew he was here.
I was never alone.
“Thank you,” I said to West and Bobby.