Chapter 14
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“Have you seen Kenneth?” Candace Sutton was seated with her back to Mackenzie in the same floral high-back wing chair that she’d owned for as long as Mackenzie could remember.
It was facing the window that overlooked the San Francisco Bay. Still in the hallway, Mackenzie smiled at the fact that there was no way her grandmother could’ve seen that she was here, and yet, she’d known.
Growing up, her grandmother had always said that she had eyes in the back of her head and Mackenzie almost believed her. Her grandmother always knew things, things that her mother and father didn’t. Looking back, she understood that her parents just hadn’t cared enough to pay attention and her grandmother had.
Mackenzie’s shoes sank into the plush carpet as she stepped into the bright room that was bathed in the midday sun. Her grandmother’s room was on the top floor of an upscale assisted living facility in San Francisco, but it was like entering a time capsule. The space was a near replica of her grandmother’s room at her father’s house. Not only was the décor, bedding, and furniture the same, they were all arranged and situated in the precise spots they’d been in her childhood home.
She passed through the familiar surroundings. The queen bed sat to the left. Above the white tufted headboard hung the painting of a haunting female figure surrounded by a field of flowers that Mackenzie used to stare at for hours as a kid. She’d wonder who the woman was and what she was doing in the middle of the field all by herself. The painting had always made her so sad, but she wasn’t sure why. The antique dresser was positioned directly across from the bed and held framed pictures of her grandmother and grandfather, on their wedding day. Another of her father when he was young. And the third was a shot of Kenny holding Mackenzie when she was an infant.
When she reached the window that her grandmother was seated in front of she saw that while her room was the same the woman herself was not. It had been several years since Mackenzie had seen her grandmother in person and in that time her already slender frame had shrunk in size. She was swimming in her tailored slacks and silk shirt. Her skin had a translucent quality, and her fine, white-as-snow hair had grown thinner. A tube ran from her ears to under her nose, and it was attached to an oxygen tank beside her.
“Hello, Grandmother.” Mackenzie bent down and kissed her grandmother’s wrinkled cheek, hoping that the shock she’d felt at seeing her fragile state wasn’t apparent in her voice or expression.
“Have you been to see Kenneth?” Her grandmother ignored her greeting, not bothering to even glance up at her.
Kenzie smiled as she lowered onto the oversized ottoman that matched the blue-flowered upholstery of the chair beside it, she winced slightly at the sore sensation that was a reminder of the mistake she’d made the night before.
Taking a deep breath, she pushed those thoughts out of her mind, as she filled her grandmother in on her brother’s activities since she didn’t get to see him that often. “I’m going to see him right after I leave here. He has a session with Dr. Rylan this morning, and after that, he has an art class. I’m going to visit him during his free time this afternoon. Ingrid said that he’s excited to show me the stables and introduce me to his horse, Lancelot. And when we’re done at the stables he has a Connect Four game lined up.”
Her grandmother infused a generous amount of disdain as she repeated, “Connect Four.”
Candace Sutton had always looked down on board games and video games. She believed that they were a waste of time that was better spent doing chores or studying.
“What about your father?” Her tone was as icy as the reception she was giving Mackenzie. “Have you seen him?”
“No. I stopped by on my way here, but Charlene said he was resting. I’m going to try again on my way back to Hope Falls.” Mackenzie left out the part that when his live-in nurse answered the door, she’d told her that her father had had a bad night. He’d been in pain and hadn’t been able to sleep until the morning which was why she was hesitant to wake him.
“See that you do.” Her grandmother instructed sharply as she staunchly stared straight ahead.
Mackenzie’s response was automatic. “Yes, ma’am.”
Her grandmother wasn’t the movie or television version of a grandma by any means. No fresh baked cookies were cooling on the counter when Mackenzie came home from school. There were no Hallmark card moments of love expressed. There were no knitting, crocheting, or sewing lessons given. Her grandmother wasn’t the warm and fuzzy type. She was the children should be seen and not heard type.
For a long time, Mackenzie had wished that things were different. But the older she got, the more she’d learned to take people for who they were. She’d grown to appreciate the fact that her grandmother had been in her life. Especially since her own mother had abandoned them and her grandmother had stayed. There was something to be said for that.
“What are your plans for your birthday?”
Tension bunched Mackenzie’s shoulders at the mere mention of the day that she did her best to ignore. “Nothing.”
She didn’t even acknowledge her birthday on years that weren’t as significant as this one was. This year would be the twentieth anniversary of her brother’s accident, and she had no desire to celebrate that day. It would pass just like every other day.
Her grandmother turned her head and looked in her direction for the first time since she’d arrived. “You’re going to be thirty.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Her perfectly penciled left brow rose without moving another muscle in her face. “Don’t you think it’s past time that you settled down?”
“I tried that once.” Mackenzie tried to make light of a sore subject between them. “It didn’t stick.”
“Tsk,” her grandmother made a dismissive sound. “That wasn’t real.”
“Umm,” Mackenzie grinned as she tilted her head to the side. “I have divorce papers that say otherwise.”
“I’m not referring to the legal aspects of the arrangement.”
An uneasy feeling crept up in Kenzie’s stomach. She wasn’t sure where her grandmother was going with this, but she had a feeling she wasn’t going to like it. “What aspects are you referring to?”
“The relationship. It wasn’t real. He wasn’t the man for you. You didn’t love him.”
Her grandmother had hit the bullseye with her assessment, but Mackenzie still felt defensive. “You met Oliver once. You have no idea what you’re talk—”
Her grandmother raised her hand, the signal for Mackenzie to stop talking. She did.
“Oliver Tillman was not the man for you. You married him for the wrong reasons. You didn’t love him.”
This time she didn’t try to defend herself or her failed marriage. Everything that her grandmother was saying was the truth. Maybe she was more than merely perceptive; maybe she was psychic.
Her grandmother leaned slightly forward. “Do you want to know how I know that?”
“Yes,” Mackenzie answered eagerly.
She’d always wondered what her grandmother was thinking, what she felt about things, but she was always too afraid to ask because she’d always been so guarded and private. Excitement bubbled inside Mackenzie to finally get a peek behind the curtain. She felt like she was about to see the great and powerful Oz.
“You can love two men, but you can’t be in love with two men.” Her grandmother leaned back in her chair with a smug expression. If she’d lifted her hand and mimed a mic drop Mackenzie couldn’t have been more surprised.
Apparently, her grandmother was more Mr. Miyagi than the great and powerful Oz.
“Oh, okay.” This was not a conversation she wanted to have.
That must not have been the response she was looking for because her grandmother continued, “Your heart was not yours to give when you got married.”
Her heart wasn’t hers to give?
Crap. She knew about Eli.
Mackenzie’s palms dampened at that thought. Not that it mattered now. She was an adult. But she still felt like she was getting called into the principal’s office.
She was sure it didn’t help that she was already carrying around a hefty amount of guilt about her and Eli’s post-nightmare activities. Last night shouldn’t have happened. She’d given into her base desires in a moment of weakness, and although those desires had been more than fulfilled, she wasn’t sure it had been worth it.
This morning when she’d woken up in Eli’s arms there’d been a moment, a perfect fleeting moment, when she’d been floating in that surreal state between awake and asleep and she’d thought it was real. For a few glorious seconds, she’d believed that she and Eli were together and that waking up enveloped in love was her life. Then she woke up fully, and the memories of the night before flooded back to her.
They weren’t together. She’d had a nightmare in the middle of the night. He’d come in to check on her. She’d thrown herself at him. End of story. He hadn’t asked her to make love to him, that had been all her. And now what? Nothing.
He was still the same man that abandoned her. He was still the same man that had stayed away for all those years. He was still the same man that she could never trust. That knowledge was a vice that squeezed her heart until her chest hurt so badly she wanted to throw up. A flash flood of panic arose in her, and she slipped out of his bed, careful not to wake him up. She got dressed and left.
She’d used the long drive down the mountain to try and figure out what last night had meant and she kept coming back to the same answer: nothing. He wasn’t a man she could trust, but after last night she was more in love with him than ever. The sex had been, hands down, the best in her life, but at what cost?
“I was too late.” Her grandmother shook her head causing the clear plastic tube in her nose to slip. She reached up and adjusted it as she exhaled in frustration. “By the time he got there…it was too late. I was too late.”
Her grandmother was in her nineties but as far as Mackenzie knew her mind was sharp as a tack. “Late for what?”
“For you. To stop you.”
Mackenzie brought her hand to her chest. “Stop me?”
“Yes,” her grandmother snapped, and the force of her words caused her to cough.
Mackenzie stood. “Can I get you some water?”
The coughing persisted as she shook her head no. She watched, feeling helpless as her grandmother tried to breathe through the coughing fit brought on by their conversation.
When the worst seemed like it had passed, Mackenzie suggested, “Do you want to lie down and rest, Grandmother? I can come back later.”
“I don’t need rest.” She sank into the high back of the chair and closed her lids. “I need you to promise me that you won’t waste your life.”
Oh boy.
This was the same conversation they’d had when Mackenzie had told her that she was going to be a film major. Her grandmother didn’t respect her chosen career, and as much as she tried to avoid upsetting her, there was no way that Mackenzie was going to promise her that she was going to become a lawyer, or a doctor, or whatever profession Candace Sutton deemed acceptable.
Trying to keep her voice as neutral as possible, she hoped to appease her grandmother without making any vows that she had no intention of keeping. “I’m not wasting my life. I promise.”
“Yes, you are.”
Agree to disagree, Mackenzie thought but kept it to herself.
After a few moments of silence, she thought the subject was dropped. Then when her grandmother’s breathing slowed to an even, steady rhythm, she figured she must’ve fallen asleep, which was probably for the best.
As quietly as possible she turned to leave, but before she took one step, her grandmother spoke. “You are wasting your life. You’re wasting love. And the only thing that matters in life is love.”
The words froze Mackenzie in place. She had no idea how to respond to that. She was still trying to come up with something when she heard the faint sound of snoring.
As she left, she repeated the words her grandmother had said in her mind. You’re wasting love. And the only thing that matters in life is love.
Mackenzie didn’t know if her grandmother was becoming senile or just sentimental, but she did know that she agreed with her. Love was the only thing that mattered in life. Not money. Not status. Not anything else. Just love. The problem was, that didn’t change anything. Love had never been the problem with Eli. She loved Eli and always would. The problem was, she didn’t trust him and wasn’t sure she ever could.