Chapter Thirty-Three
Phil
“You seem to be in a good mood today,” Mel observed, as we sat down together at our usual table in the day room.
We had just come in from our second call in a handful of hours, and I was exhausted, but in a satisfied, accomplished sort of way. It was the best kind of exhaustion to have. It made you feel worthwhile and useful. Kendrick and Ryan were still in the shower, so it was just Mel and I at the table with a handful of sandwiches between us.
“Do I?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“Well, we did get a thirteen-year-old girl out of a car just now,” I said.
“You were in a good mood before that,” Mel said, with a sly smile. “Does this possibly have anything to do with Megan?”
“No,” I said a little too quickly.
Mel smirked, having obviously not believed me. I sighed. “We talked yesterday,” I admitted. “Not about us or anything personal…just things in general. And it was nice.”
I recalled our conversation from the night before. It had lasted almost two hours, and I had hung up feeling invigorated and happy. It had reminded me of our conversations at the beginning of our tenuous relationship before we were a couple and were just establishing the parameters of our friendship. It was nice to just turn your brain off and talk about unimportant topics, without worrying about the future.
Even as I’d hung up with her, I’d wanted to call her back and talk a little bit longer. But I knew I couldn’t keep doing that if I decided that I really couldn’t forgive her. The truth was that I had refused to think about it since our meeting at the park. My head was so messed up and confused that I had decided to give myself time to calm down first before I invested in any real introspection.
However, when Megan had called last night, I had been filled with relief. I was scared somehow that she might move on and not tell me. But the fact that she had called proved that she was thinking about me, too.
I had wanted to discuss one thing in particular with her last night, but then I would have broken the unspoken agreement set up between the two of us. And that was not to discuss anything too personal and to keep things casual and general. But lately, ever since the trial, I had been thinking about my brother.
Spending a few nights in a jail cell had opened my mind to his reality, and I felt guilty about the fact that I hadn’t seen him in two and a half years. After all, I was the only family he had left, and I had basically turned my back on him when he needed me the most.
The thought struck me like a ton of bricks. Isn’t that what I had accused Megan of? Isn’t that why I was so hurt with her? And yet, I had done as much to my own brother four years ago. I had been mulling over that for the last two days, and I still hadn’t been able to find a way to handle my guilt.
“So,” Mel said, interrupting my thoughts. “Things are headed in the right direction, then?”
I looked up at him. “I don’t know yet.”
“You still love her?”
“Yes.” I nodded.
“Then shouldn’t that be your answer?”
When he said it like that, it sounded simple—everything sounded simple when an outsider put it in perspective for you. But I had a few demons of my own to exorcise first, and I needed to get that out of the way because I could focus on my relationship with Megan.
“I just need more time,” I told him.
Then I excused myself and headed to the front of the station to Sarge’s office. He was sitting behind his desk, going through something on his computer. I knocked once and waited for him to wave me inside.
“What is it Phil?” he asked.
“Good morning, sir,” I said. “I just came in to ask if I could apply for two days of leave. I’ll take on a forty-eight-hour shift afterward to make up for it.”
Sarge looked back to his computer. “When do you want to take these two days?”
“Uh…this coming Saturday or Sunday?”
“Hold on,” Sarge said, as he checked the rosters, then he looked up at me. “Is this an emergency of some sort?”
I hesitated for a moment. “To be honest… I want to go visit my brother.”
“Your brother?” Sarge said, with raised eyebrows. “The one in prison?”
“He’s the only brother I’ve got,” I said. “And, I haven’t seen him in over two years. I need to correct that now.”
“Being in jail made an impression?”
“More than you know.” I nodded. “I’ll have to travel to New York and…”
“Okay,” Sarge interrupted me.
“Okay?”
“I’ve changed the roster, you can have Sunday and Monday off, and you’ll be reporting back to work on Tuesday for your forty-eight-hour shift.”
I nodded. “Thanks, Sarge. I really appreciate this.”
He nodded and waved me out of his office. I walked back to the day room where Kendrick and Ryan had joined Mel at the table. I sat down beside Ryan and reached for a sandwich, feeling my nerves attack me suddenly.
“Fuck, dude… what happened?” Kendrick asked, looking at me with a frown.
“What?” I asked.
“You look a little pale.”
“Did you see a ghost back there or something?” Kendrick asked.
“Or did Sarge find more drugs stashed away in your locker?” Ryan asked.
I glared at him, and he smiled sheepishly at me. “Too soon?”
“Too soon.” I nodded.
“What’s wrong, Phil?” Mel asked.
“I’m taking two days off—”
“Lucky bastard,” Kendrick interjected.
“To see my brother.”
“I thought your brother was in jail?” Mel asked.
“He is.” I nodded. “I’m going to New York to visit him.”
“Intense,” Ryan said. “Family reunion, huh?”
“You could say that,” I said. “Although I doubt it’s going to be roses and rainbows.”
“Roses and rainbows?” Kendrick said. “What does that mean?”
“Easy,” I sighed. “I doubt it’s going to be easy.”
“Is there anyone you can take for moral support?” Ryan asked.
“Anyone here volunteering?” I teased.
“Hey, I’d be in for a trip to New York, except that we’re working.”
“Don’t worry about me,” I said. “I can handle this on my own.”
But when I was back at home that night, alone in my empty apartment, I wasn’t quite so sure I even wanted to do this alone. Moral support sounded pretty nice, and there was only one person I was that comfortable with. I thought twice about calling Megan, but in the end, I caved and called her anyway. She answered almost immediately, and I could tell by her tone that she was glad I had called.
“Hey, you,” she said.
“Hi,” I said, unable to match her tone.
“Is everything all right?” she asked, and immediately her voice changed. It was almost like she was dreading what I might say next.
“Uh… I’m not sure,” I said honestly.
There was a second or two of silence on the other end. “Whatever it is, Phil, you can tell me. Don’t worry about anything; just tell me.”
I paused for a moment. “It’s about my brother,” I said.
“What?”
I could tell that she hadn’t expected that even a little bit. I’d taken her by surprise, but there was also relief in tone. I realized that she had probably thought I was calling to tell her that I wanted to make a clean break and just end things with her for good.
“My brother…Paul,” I said. “I’ve been thinking about him a lot since my arrest.”
This was obviously violating our unspoken rule, but I didn’t care. I wanted to talk to Megan. And that made me realize that she was more than just my girlfriend…she was my best friend, too.
“Of course,” Megan said, after a moment. “You haven’t seen him in a long time, have you?”
“Two and a half years,” I replied. “We’ve had absolutely no contact. And, I think I owe you an apology.”
“Me?” Megan asked in shock. “You owe me an apology?”
“I accused you of turning your back on me when I did the same thing to my own brother,” I said.
“That’s sweet of you to say, Phil,” Megan said gently. “But your brother was guilty of the crime he was accused of. You were not.”
“I feel like it’s a small detail.”
“Is it?” she asked. “I’m not so sure.”
“Yes, he was guilty.” I nodded. “He admitted that himself… But there were a hundred different reasons he chose to make those decisions. I may not have agreed with him, but turning my back on him was not the right thing to do, whether he was right or wrong. At the end of the day, he’s still my brother.”
“I agree,” Megan replied.
“He was my hero, you know,” I said.
“You mentioned that he was.”
“I looked up to him like no one else,” I continued, thinking about how nice it was to be able to talk to someone about Paul. “It wasn’t like I had a lot of role models in my life. My father was a drunk and a deadbeat. But Paul… He was everything Dad wasn’t. At least, I thought so at the time. He was confident and sure of himself. He was decisive and in control. He commanded respect, even when he was sixteen years old.”
“He was forced to grow up fast,” she observed softly.
“I suppose he was.” I nodded. “It wasn’t until I was sitting in my cell that I really allowed myself to think about him. Can you imagine, going years without speaking to a sibling?”
“Right now, I can,” Megan said. “But my situation is a little different to yours. We may both have brothers in jail for the same crime, but I never respected or admired Brent like you did with Paul.”
I paused. This was the first time we were discussing Brent, and I could tell from Megan’s tone that there was a lot there that she hadn’t told me. I hadn’t even asked if her parents knew about Brent. I hadn’t asked her if she was planning on visiting him. The questions were all on the tip of my tongue, but Megan spoke before I got the chance to voice any of them.
“You feel guilty, don’t you,” Megan asked. “About not having visited Paul in so long?”
“Guiltier than you can imagine,” I said.
“Well, then you have to correct it the only way you can,” Megan said. “Which is to go and see him. It’s better late than never.”
I smiled. “That is exactly what I’m planning on doing,” I said. “I’m going to New York this coming Sunday.”
“I’m proud of you,” she said immediately. “This trip can’t be easy for you to make on your own.”
“It’s not,” I admitted. “Which is why…”
“Yes?” she prompted, when I trailed off.
“Well… I suppose the whole reason I called was to ask if you would come with me,” I said. “I know I haven’t given you much notice and—”
“Of course, I’ll come with you,” Megan interrupted me. “I’d be honored to.”
“Thank you,” I said fervently. “I really appreciate this… I couldn’t imagine taking this trip without the support of…a friend.”
Girlfriend had been on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t quite bring myself to say it just yet. Friend was the safe option. If Megan noticed it, she didn’t say a word. In fact, she didn’t acknowledge it at all.
“I’ll see you on Sunday then?” she asked.
“I’ll pick you up in the morning,” I said. “Around eleven?”
“Sounds good.”
“Thanks again, Megan,” I said.
“Hey, what are friends for?” she asked.
I couldn’t help but smile.