Chapter Thirty
Chance
Of course, she had to look absolutely stunning. She was wearing a pure white wrap around, with thin straps and tall black heels. Her dark hair fell in gentle waves around her shoulders, and her subtle makeup lit up her blue eyes and made her face come alive. She looked so beautiful, and it physically hurt to know that I would have to break her heart.
I looked around the restaurant surreptitiously. I had no doubt that Jason was hiding somewhere, watching the whole thing take place. I didn’t care to look too hard, however. Knowing where he was would just tempt me into punching his lights out.
At the moment, however, I couldn’t even focus on him, because all I could think of was Natalie. I had to make her believe that I didn’t want her anymore. I wondered if I was even capable of putting a show that was convincing enough. She knew I loved her…and a part of me hoped that she would just refuse to believe me. A part of me hoped that she would see right through the ploy and would know instinctively that Jason was behind everything.
I reminded myself that Natalie’s future was at stake here. If Jason went to the dean with proof of our relationship, then Natalie would lose her best chance. I knew she didn’t have the money to pay for an undergraduate degree. The only reason she had gotten into North Greenfield in the first place was because of her scholarship. I loved her – and that meant I had to put her first, no matter how I felt.
“Chance?”
“Hmm…”
“You’ve been really quiet all night,” she pointed out.
She looked a little concerned, and her eyes were searching when they met mine. I was being distant on purpose. I had to make her believe me, but it was more than that. I needed the distance for the sake of my own sanity. Otherwise, I wasn’t sure I would be able to go through with this.
“Sorry,” I muttered and looked down at my plate.
I had chosen to take Natalie to a romantic French bistro. It was probably a stupid move to take her somewhere so perfect, but it was my pathetic attempt to soften the blow. I was also being selfish. I wanted to have a few moments with Natalie before I needed to tell her. I wanted to remember Paris and the dinner we had on the Seine. I wanted to savor that feeling of being whole…before I broke myself apart.
Natalie reached out and placed her hand on mine. I resisted the urge to remove my hand immediately. Instead, I looked up at her.
“Are you okay?” she asked gently.
“Sure.”
“You seem distracted.”
“I suppose I am a little… Distracted, I mean,” I said, deciding it was better to just admit to that.
She smiled a little, and I noticed that she didn’t seem nervous or concerned about that. Instead, she squeezed my hand. “This restaurant is lovely,” she said. “Thank you for bringing me here.”
“Oh, no problem.”
I saw her brow furrow a little. She knew I was not being myself, but I also knew she didn’t want to address it. I wondered why, but I decided not to over think. This night was going to be difficult enough without wondering what was on Natalie’s mind.
“I dreamt about Paris again last night,” she said.
“Oh yeah?” I said, trying to look disinterested.
“Yeah.” She nodded, and her face lit up instantly. It was nearly impossible to look away from that kind of uninhibited beauty. “We were walking through the Louvre at first, and we came up to the Mona Lisa, except there was no crowd this time. It was just you and I…and Mona Lisa. Do you remember what you said to me when we finally saw her?”
“Yes,” I nodded shortly.
“You said you’d rather have a framed picture of me than her,” she said, and then she blushed. “It was the nicest compliment I’ve ever received.”
I was about to tell her that she put the Mona Lisa to shame, but I stopped myself at the last minute. Handing her compliments before I broke up with her would not be believable. I just picked at the chicken on my plate, wondering how I was going to finish the whole meal when I had absolutely no appetite.
“I miss Paris,” she continued.
“It’s a beautiful city.” I nodded.
“It was even more beautiful to me because I was with you,” Natalie said. “From now on, it’s forever going to be our place…our country.”
“You should love Paris for Paris,” I said, and I made an effort to make my tone cold. “Not for me.”
I saw a flash of uncertainty in her eyes, but they cleared in the next second. “I can’t separate you from Paris now.”
“Try.”
Natalie paused again. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I’m fine,” I said, somewhat impatiently.
There were a few minutes of silence, in which I refused to look at her. I thought perhaps she might have started to get upset, but when I dared to glance up at her, her expression was soft and tender.
She whispered something that sounded like, “You’re nervous,” under her breath.
“What?”
“I was thinking…maybe we could invite Sophie, Tony, and Tommy for lunch one weekend?” Natalie suggested. “We’re always going to their place; it’ll be a nice change to have them over. What do you think?”
I cleared my throat to buy some time. I hated having to hurt her. I hated myself for agreeing to do this but most of all; I hated Jason for making me do it.
“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea,” I said.
“Oh?”
“I’m going to be really busy soon,” I blurted out.
“Are you?” she asked. “We’re entering summer vacation… I would have thought you’d be freer.”
“Well… I…”
To my surprise Natalie let out a little laugh. “I can’t believe how nervous you are,” she said, and again, she reached for my hand.
Frowning, I looked up at her. “What do you mean?”
“Come on, Chance,” Natalie said, shaking her head at me. “You can’t have thought that I wouldn’t notice the difference.”
“I…uh…”
“I know something’s up.”
“You do?”
“Of course,” she nodded. “It’s kind of obvious, don’t you think?”
Based on the smile on Natalie’s face, I knew that whatever she was thinking was happening wasn’t what was actually going to happen. Which meant only one thing. My time was up. I needed to be straight with her so that I didn’t fuck with her feelings any more than I already had.
In hindsight, I realized that I should have broken up with her in private, but I had hoped that being in a public place might make things less awkward. I couldn’t believe what an idiot I had been to think that.
“Natalie…”
“Yes?”
“We have to talk.”
She leaned in eagerly, and my heart broke for what I was about to do. “Tell me,” she said warmly.
I set my face into a cold expression and focused only on her. “I’m breaking up with you,” I said, without mincing my words. I hadn’t meant to tell her like that, but I decided that this was the best way to do it, like ripping off a bandage.
She looked at me blankly for a second and then she burst out laughing. “You’ve got a weird sense of humor,” she said, refusing to believe, just like I had hoped she would.
I didn’t smile. “Natalie,” I said, as I pulled my hand out from underneath hers. “I’m sorry, but I’m not joking. I’m completely serious. I’m breaking up with you.”
It took a moment, but slowly her expression began to change. The smile faded, and it was replaced by worry, then shock, then disbelief and lastly…pain.
“You can’t be...” she whispered. “You love me – you said so a dozen times…more than… How… Why?”
“I know this may come as a shock—”
“This is not a shock,” Natalie said, cutting me off. “It’s not real.”
I knew exactly how she felt and yet, I had no choice but to sit there with my stone face and act as though her pain didn’t move me. “It is real,” I insisted, in a voice that didn’t sound like mine. “This isn’t working out for me anymore.”
Natalie stared at me for a second and then she shook her head, almost as though she were trying to wake herself up from a nightmare. “You… I don’t… I don’t understand,” she said finally. “We were so happy… I thought we were happy.”
“You were,” I said. “I wasn’t.”
“Since when?” she demanded, and I saw tears start to form in her eyes.
“Since a few months after Paris,” I said.
“What changed?”
“The novelty wore off,” I said, hating myself for the words I was forced to say.
“The novelty wore off?” she repeated.
“I want you to know that I truly did believe I loved you,” I said. “And it was fun while it lasted, but… I’ve come to realize that this relationship was never meant to last. It was stupid of me to think I could do commitment after a lifetime of avoiding it.”
“You’re not avoiding it; you’re running from it,” she said.
“Either way, it’s not for me,” I said. “You’re not for me. You’re too young, Natalie. You’re too immature. You haven’t experienced life yet. You’ve only ever been with one man. You’ve only ever kissed one man. That’s not normal.”
She seemed to cringe away from my words. “You never cared about any of that before,” she said. “You told me it didn’t matter to you.”
“I thought it didn’t,” I said. “But I’ve since realized that I was wrong. I need a woman who’s experienced life; I need a woman I can talk to.”
“And you can’t talk to me?” she asked tearfully.
“Things have changed for me, Natalie,” I said, wondering why it was so easy to convince her that I didn’t want her anymore. “It’s boring for me now. There’s no fire…no passion.”
“There’s no passion?” she repeated, in shock. “What about last weekend, when you woke me up in the middle of the night by pulling up my nightie.”
“Natalie…” I said, trying to keep her from reliving the moment.
I remembered that night. I had been grading papers till one in the morning. When I had finished, I’d gone to bed and slipped in beside Natalie who was sleeping soundly. I had never meant to wake her up, but the feel of her body beside mine sent waves of desire rushing through me. And I couldn’t control myself. I had teased her awake, kissing her lips and whispering to her while my hands traveled from her nipples to the wetness between her thighs.
I shut the memory out. It would only hurt more if I allowed myself to get sentimental. I needed to be ruthless about this. Otherwise I would break down, admit to everything, and then Natalie’s future would be gone, and Jason would have the last laugh. That was something that I couldn’t just let happen.
“You don’t remember?” she demanded passionately, and I realized that a few other diners were turning their heads in our direction. “You were hard with desire…”
“Natalie, this isn’t the place—”
“You fucked me twice that night… Do you remember that?” she asked, rising from her seat as a tear fell down her cheek.
“I remember,” I said quietly.
“Then how can you possibly sit there and tell me that the passion’s gone?” she demanded.
I gritted my teeth. “I was having fun, Natalie,” I said harshly. “I was just having fun. This relationship between us… It was never meant to be more than that.”
She stared at me for a long moment. “Just like that, you don’t love me anymore?”
“I told you at the beginning, I’m not good with relationships,” I said.
The words triggered a memory, and I realized I was doing to Natalie exactly what my mother had done to my father. It was my worst nightmare come true. It was the thing I had struggled not to be my entire life. And yet, here I was in the strangest circumstances, doing what I had sworn I would never do.
“I’m sorry,” I said, without any emotion.
Natalie shook her head, and more tears trailed down her cheeks. “So, this is it?” she asked, and her voice shook desperately.
“Yes.”
Her perfect blue eyes met mine for only a second. Then she turned around and ran out of the restaurant, leaving me to an empty table and a restaurant full of people staring in my direction. I grabbed my wallet, set some cash on the table, and headed towards the door.
Just before I left, I spied Jason at the other corner of the restaurant. He was standing by a pillar. He was looking directly at me and applauding.