Chapter Thirty-One
Natalie
Our dorm was empty when I walked in. For some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to turn on the lights. Instead, I closed the door behind me, jumped into my bed, and hugged a pillow close to my chest. I tried to stop crying, but the harder I tried to stop, the more I cried. Finally, I just gave up and let myself go. After the first hour, my nose was blocked, and without even looking I knew my eyes would be puffy, red, and swollen.
I kept reliving the night in my head, over and over again until I wanted to scream. It just didn’t make sense to me.
It had felt as though Chance and I were on the right track. As far as I was concerned, we were madly in love and ready to embark on our life together after my graduation. I had genuinely believed that there was a good possibility he might have asked me to marry him. So, to be faced with a breakup instead was hard to wrap my mind around.
And yet, at the same time, a part of me believed him when he had said he was over me. The insecure part of me acknowledged that it made sense. A guy like Chance, who was smart, handsome, and well traveled, would never be interested in someone like me. I had just started to get comfortable. I had just started to feel safe, and now I felt as though my entire world were spinning off its axis.
On an impulse, I reached for my phone and dialed my mother’s number. I was desperate for some comfort, but I had no idea what I was going to tell her.
“Hi, darling,” Mom said. “This is a nice surprise. I didn’t expect to hear from you tonight.”
“I…uh… I had some free time,” I said, struggling to keep my tone even. “I just thought I’d call and say hi.”
“Darling?” her voice was instantly alert. “Are you okay?”
I was on the verge of spilling my guts, but I stopped myself at the last moment. I didn’t want to upset my parents, and I knew that mum would worry more than she needed to. I realized that all I really wanted was the comfort of hearing her voice.
“I’m fine, Mom,” I said, as my voice became stronger. “Just a little tired.”
“I thought you might be,” she agreed. “I was going to call and congratulate you tomorrow, seeing as how you’re finally done with finals.”
“Yeah… I can’t quite believe it.”
“How is Missy?”
“She’s good,” I told her. “She’s at the library at the moment.”
“Has she finished with her finals?”
“Not yet,” I replied. “She’ll finish in a couple of days.”
“That’s good; and how’s Chance?”
Hearing his name sent a sharp pain shooting through my chest, but I bit my lip and maintained a tone of calm as I replied. “We broke up, Mom,” I said calmly.
“What?”
“Yeah…”
“Oh, darling… When?”
“Uh… a few days ago,” I lied smoothly. “We decided to end things.”
“It was a mutual decision?”
“Yes,” I replied. “No. Well… It was a little more mutual in his case than in mine.”
“Oh, darling…”
“I’m okay, though,” I said, and I actually sounded like I was. “I’m doing okay...”
“You’re sure?”
“A hundred percent,” I said. “Don’t worry about me.”
Mom was silent for a moment. “I know I don’t have to worry about you, Natalie,” she said gently. “You were always so strong.”
“Me?” I said, in surprise.
“Of course,” she replied. “You were a fighter, right from the get-go. This breakup is not going to slow you down, not in the slightest.”
I actually managed to smile. “You always make me sound so much cooler than I really am.”
“You’ve always underestimated yourself, Natalie,” Mom said. “It’s time to stop underestimating yourself and realize what an amazing girl you are.”
“You might be a little biased,” I teased.
“I also happen to be right.”
“Thanks, Mom,” I said softly.
“Call me anytime, my darling,” she said. “And, don’t let this breakup get you down.”
“I won’t,” I promised, even though it was a promise without any real hope behind it.
After I hung up, I sat in the dark, staring at the opposite wall, waiting for the moment when my pain wouldn’t feel quite so acute. I was seeing Chance’s handsome sculpted face before me when the door opened and Missy walked in. She turned on the lights and screamed the moment she saw me.
“Jesus!” she exclaimed. “What the hell are you doing sitting there in the dark, you nearly gave me a… Nat?”
Her eyes fell to my face, and instantly her tone changed. She closed the door and walked towards me. “Nat,” she said again. “What happened?”
I felt a tear slip down my cheek. “We were wrong,” I said softly. “We completely misread tonight.”
“What do you mean?” she asked. “What happened?”
“He broke up with me,” I said, and the words tasted like vinegar.
“He did not,” she said in disbelief.
I shook my head. “He was so…distant during dinner. I just chalked it up to nerves. It actually made me surer that something big was coming. I really did think he was going to propose. At the very least, I thought he was going to ask me to move in with him. I thought how cute it was that he was so nervous.”
“He really broke up with you?” Missy asked again.
“He said that he was over me, he was over the relationship,” I said. “He told me I was too immature and that he was just having fun.”
She frowned. “That doesn’t make any sense.”
“That’s exactly what I thought,” I nodded, wiping the tears from my cheeks. “I thought he was joking at first; I refused to believe him. But he was dead serious. He looked at me like he barely knew me. He looked at me as though the last year had meant nothing to him.”
“I don’t get it,” she said, in frustration. “He claimed to have loved you. He took you to fucking Paris.”
I shrugged and shook my head. “Apparently, he only thought he loved me,” I said. “It wasn’t real to him. He was just…having fun.”
“I feel like we’re missing something.”
“It’s called denial,” I said. “I felt it at first. But now…”
“Now what?”
“It makes sense,” I said, wringing my hands together.
“What makes sense?” she demanded.
“Of course, he was just having fun,” I said. “Of course he wasn’t really in love with me. Why would he be? I’m not special, I’m not particularly beautiful, and I certainly don’t have the experience. What made me think we would be together forever? I was caught up in the fairytale, and I failed to remember that life is not a fairytale.”
Missy breathed noisily. “Did he give you any indication that he was unhappy?”
“If he did, I obviously missed all the signs,” I said. “The fact that I thought he was going to propose proves that.”
Missy frowned and shook her head. “Did he say anything else?”
“He said he didn’t feel there was passion between us anymore.”
“What the fuck does that mean?” she said angrily. “When was the last time you had sex with him?”
“A couple of days ago,” I admitted.
“And?” she asked. “How was it?”
“I thought it was earth-shattering, as usual,” I said. “The sex has always been amazing between us. But maybe that was all just in my head; maybe it was just amazing for me.”
Missy shook her head. “I seriously doubt that,” she said. “Women have been known to fake it in bed, but the same is not true for men. When a man is enjoying himself, you know it for sure.”
“I don’t know what to do,” I admitted. “I feel so…”
“Betrayed?” she offered.
“Hurt,” I said. “And confused.”
She sat down on the bed next to me and put her arm around my shoulders. “How long have you been sitting here crying by yourself?” she asked, with concern.
“Two hours,” I replied. “Give or take.”
“Why didn’t you call me?” she demanded.
“Your last exam is only days away,” I said. “I didn’t want to disturb you.”
“Screw that,” she said, and I loved her for her unwavering loyalty. “This is more important.”
“At least I’m grateful he broke up with me after finals,” I said. “If it had been before, I wouldn’t have been able to get through my exams.”
“Oh sure, that was very thoughtful of him,” Missy hissed, and I knew she was pissed off on my behalf. “What a fucking jerk.”
Chance had hurt me badly, but still, it was hard for me to be angry with him. I couldn’t feel anything apart from hurt, sadness, and intense loss. “He didn’t want to be with me anymore,” I said. “I can’t blame him for that.”
“Well, I can,” Missy said passionately. “You are an amazing girl, and he’s a complete jerk for ending things with you.”
“Thanks for saying that.”
“I mean it,” she insisted, pulling me in for a hug.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do without him, Missy,” I admitted, trying to push back my tears.
“I’ll tell you what you’re going to do,” she said fiercely. “You’re going to be sad for a couple of days, and then you’re going to rally like the survivor you are and get back to your life. You’re going to go out and meet new people, you’re going to graduate with honors, and then you’re going to find an awesome job, meet someone new, and put this whole relationship behind you.”
“I don’t even want to think of meeting someone new.”
“Maybe not right away,” she said. “But soon you are going to meet someone else, Nat, and he’s going to be better than Chance.”
I knew she was trying to make me feel better, but somehow, I was just getting more depressed. “Better than Chance?” I said. “There isn’t anyone better than Chance.”
“You think he’s the only hot teacher around?” she said. “Nuh-uh. I know it seems like you’re not going to want anyone other than Chance right now, but that’s a temporary state of mind. It’s not going to last. Trust me, Nat, the world is filled with handsome, smart, eligible bachelors.”
“I’m in love with him, Missy,” I said, feeling like a captive to my own emotions.
“I know,” she said gently as she took my hand. “And he was your first love, too. I understand that this is difficult. But take it one day at a time, and soon you’ll realize that you love him a little less each day.”
I closed my eyes for a second and took a long, deep breath. Silently, I prayed for the day when I would love Chance a little less.