Fraud.

That’s what I feel like. I am a complete and utter fraud.

And a coward too.

How many times am I going to run from Matias’ arms before he doesn’t let me in them again? The bond our baby shares with him pulls me into his arms time and time again. Not to mention my growing attraction to him. But I can’t stay there for long.

The guilt sets in.

Then I have to run, because it will be too easy to become tangled in his arm and never want to leave. And I can’t fall in love again. But I think I am falling. My heart doesn’t want to listen to my brain.

Last night’s dinner was wonderful; the family chemistry is exactly the kind of environment I would love my child to be part of. But all the time that I was partaking in the conversations and laughing at their jokes, I was wishing it was another family. And wishing Matias’ arms and kisses were Will’s. But my heart knew that they weren’t and it kept craving them more and more.

Matias’ kisses are slowly lifting the prints that Will’s kisses had left on my heart. He has slowly been erasing them and replacing them with his own. Every day I feel like more of a fraud. On one hand, I still feel for my late husband and the pure love we shared. But on the other hand, I am now feeling the passionate love that Matias has to offer and I keep denying it. I don’t know who I am fooling anymore, them or me.

Like I said, I am a fraud. I just don’t know who I am deceiving anymore.

I don’t know how long I have been standing here under the spray of the shower and I realize I haven’t even washed my body or my hair. As I feel the hot water running out, I know that Katia is going to be upset when she showers this morning and finds out there is no hot water. As I put the towel around me and look in the mirror, I see my sad confused eyes and think back on the conversation I had with Matias’ mom last night when we were left alone for a few minutes.

“Sophia, I love my boys. They have not been easy to raise, but they have been the light in my life for so long that I would not have it any other way. Nicholas has always been my reserved one, he hides his feelings better than a dog hiding his bone. But mi Matias, he has always worn his feelings on his sleeve, no matter what they are. I can see the love he has for you shining through his eyes. So, porfavor no lo lastimes, please don’t hurt him.”

“I would never…” She stops me, putting her hand over mine. I can see that we didn’t fool her for one minute.

“No, not intentionally I know you wouldn’t. But I can see hurt and grief clouding your eyes. I know you have experience a great loss, but my son can’t be part of your life if you engulf him in your misery. He needs to be loved. With the baby coming, emotions might get misconstrued. So, when you are ready I know you will love him like he deserves, but don’t give him false hope until you are.”

“Okay,” I agreed, because what else can I say to a mother trying to protect her child? I rub my stomach, thinking about my own child.

She is right, though. I can’t give Matias false hope that we can have a future together when I haven’t settle my present. I need to start closing the doors of my past. I know deep down I need to start closing the doors of my past so I can think about giving my child the future she deserves. The future of a happy family together. But first, I have to talk to Will’s parents and let them know about the baby and Matias. I haven’t spoken to them since Will’s funeral. It was just too hard. For them. For me.

I rush out to make breakfast.

“Son of a bi…! Sophia did you finish the hot water again?” Katia yells from her shower.

“Sorry, but I am making breakfast to make it up to you!” I yell back.

“You better! Fuck it is cold!”

I laugh as I continue to dice some mushrooms for the omelets.

There is a knock on the door and I know who it is even before opening it to reveal mossy green eyes.

“Good morning, runaway. Missed waking up with you,” he says walking into the apartment with a smirk on his face.

“Well…”

“It’s okay. I am getting used to it. I think I would find it weird if you stayed after you’re done using me.”

“No, that’s not…”

“Relax, I know. And I am glad you come to me. Sophia, I am always here for you. Besides I think you owe me breakfast after my services,” he says as he walking further in to my home.

“Fine,” I say as I close the door. My heart has not slowed down the beating since I open the door. It has been getting like that since I have been hanging out with him more and more.

“So what’s for breakfast?” he asks as he pours himself a cup of coffee. Make yourself at home why don’t you.

“Good morning, hot stuff,” Katia says as she walks into the kitchen, all ready for her day.

“Good morning neighbor,” Matias greets her with a laugh. “See, your roommate thinks I’m hot,” Matias says, looking at me as I continue to mix the eggs.

“Oh, she thinks you are hot too,” Katia replies before I have the chance, making me blush.

I ignore them as they start to talk about random stuff, like their plans for the day. I hand out plates with breakfast and pour a round of coffee as they continue with their conversation. Without my input, I am a little envious of their easy relationship. They both know where they stand with each other.

“So what are you doing today?” Matias asks me as Katia gets up to go get her things from her room.

“Oh, this and that,” I answer him vaguely. I don’t want to tell him that I am going to go visit Will’s parents. I don’t want it to become awkward between us. We have been making progress.

“Ok. I wanted to see if you wanted to come with me to see a new location I have been asked to remodel. Maybe give me some ideas.”

“Sorry, I can’t today.” I can see the hurt in his eyes. I know he wants to spend time with me but I need to break certain ties with my past. “But I’ll take a rain check.” That lights up his eyes. His mother is right, he does wear his feelings on his sleeve. It gives me a warm feeling to be able to see what kind of effect I have on him.

“Sophia, I will be late today. I have to go over the lesson plans for the spring term. So see you later tonight. Bye gorgeous,” Katia says as she walks out the door.

“Well I guess that is also my cue to leave and let you get ready. Thanks for breakfast.”

“Anytime.” I walk with him to the door. He turns back to me and without warning, his lips descend to mine, taking away my breath and my resolve. I kiss him back with no ghost haunting us.

It was just a random kiss out of nowhere; a kiss that seems like an afterthought before he left for the day. My heart took over this one. I guess the fact that he was in my kitchen eating my breakfast and having him talking with my roommate as if this scene was the most normal thing in the world, made me realize how much I do want him in my life.

“Okay, well I have to go and finish getting ready,” he says in between placing small pecks on my lips. He takes my face in his hands, looking deeply into my eyes and I think he loves what he sees because he takes my lips again in a much deeper kiss a kiss that is trying to claim my soul. But not before whispering, “Finally we are alone.”

I feel my body hit the wall just next to the door and before I know it am rubbing myself against his leg that is in between my thighs, moaning into his mouth.

“God, I love to hear you moan. I get so hard just with a simple whimper coming out of your mouth,” he says with his breath hot on my neck as he continues to make me lose my mind. I wrap my legs around him, not considering that I might be a bit heavy since I am carrying a baby now. He starts walking towards my bedroom, shedding our clothes along the way. I don’t realize until I’m actually in my room that he didn’t even ask which one was mine.

I have no idea how but just listening to my heart got me to this moment right here. On my back, on my bed, in my room that contains all of Will’s memories. But I close my eyes wishing them away. I need to make new memories for me. This is what Will want me to do. To live. For him. For us.

Today it was truly love making; we poured out our hearts, our dreams for the future, our hope to a start fresh. Our beginning was not planned, but when you are in the darkness, nothing is.

When our bodies joined, there were no skeletons.

We came apart together.

In a moment where our bodies were connected in passion, I realized that this is how life is meant to be lived. My heart was breaking the cocoon that had surrounded itself with, I didn’t know what was going to happen now, but I was willing to live through it. Because for the first time in sixteen months, I felt like I could heal.

“You know if you had slept in this morning, we could have done this earlier,” Matias says breaking the silence.

“I know.”

He turns to his side and leans on his arm, watching me.

“How do you feel?” I can see the concern in his eyes.

“Wonderful,” I tell him with a smile.

“Good,” he says as he leans in and showers me with kisses, like he loves to do. “I hate to run, but I do have a busy morning. That is now delayed, but I can’t complain.” He gets up with no embarrassment of his nakedness. His tan, golden skin glistening in the morning sun, defining all his sexy form, I have been so blind. This is a good man, one who loves me even though he has only met the broken me. He goes on collecting his clothes as if he didn’t just shatter my whole foundation.

Just laying here able to breathe without the weight of the guilt makes me breathless.

“Can I see you later?” he asks, still so unsure of my answers.

“Sure,” I say as he fixes his tie. He walks over one last time and kisses me before turning around to leave. Before he does, he halts for a moment, looking towards my dresser. I had totally forgotten that our wedding picture is the focal point on there. Then he just walks out. I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. I get up and walk to the dresser. I take the photograph in my hands like I have done so many times before, where my tears have landed time and time again. And for the first time, I don’t feel like I need to see it to remember the past. All my memories will always stay in my heart and mind. I bring the picture to my lips, kissing his face once again before I open the drawer and store it. I think it is time to let Will move on.

I think it’s time I move on. I gather my clothes and redress for the day.

I HAVEN’T DRIVEN in a while because I had nowhere to go. But this morning after I had gotten ready, I saw the keys shining from where they were sitting on top of my dresser like an afterthought. Grabbing them, I headed to the parking garage. I click the alarm to see where it was parked; Katia had just mention that it was in the building’s parking garage and I hadn’t pressed for details.

I could see the lights blink at the end of the row, and as I walk toward it, I pass a shiny black motorcycle that is parked about three slots away from my black Range Rover, giving me chills. I could not see or hear a motorcycle without thinking about Will’s accident. The what if’s always started circling my mind. What if I said no when he asked if he could buy one? What if I had insisted he take the car that day, knowing that the weather was going to change? What if I had gone with him instead? He would have been force to drive the car, because he knew I would never ride the motorcycle.

I rub my arms to warm away the chill and walk faster toward my vehicle but getting in and locking the doors, like that will lock away my memories too.

Starting the car, I drive in the direction of the Collins’ residence but not before seeing the apartment number that was on top of where the motorcycle was parked; giving me a greater chill.

That is a conversation we are going to have at a later time. Because right now all I can think about is exactly how am I going to break the news to Will’s family. I don’t even get to think about it too much because before I know it am already turning into their drive way.

I park and turn off the car.

Taking a deep breath, I get out and ring the doorbell.

“Niña, you don’t need to ring the door bell, you are family.” Marthita, the Collins’ housekeeper/Will’s nanny says as she opens the door and sees me.

“I was once. How are you, Nana?” I say as I give her a hug. She was so much a part of my life as Will’s. Once I was allowed to come to Will’s house on my own, I always looked forward to Marthita’s cooking and baked goods. She makes the best empanadas in the world.

“You will always will be family,” she whispers, hugging me tighter.

“Thank you,” I say kissing her cheek. I can feel the tears building up. Being here surrounded by her arms brings back so many memories of being part of this family, tightening my heart.

“I know how hard my niño’s death was on you, Sophia. On all of us. But I can see that you are doing better and that makes me feliz. And you have gained some weight! I’m jealous it wasn’t me who helped you with that,” she tells as she makes me do a twirl to really get a good look at me.

I hear her humph, with a worried look on her face. Before I can question it, Mrs. Collins comes to join us.

“My beautiful girl, how are you?” she says as she takes me in her embrace. “How we have missed you, right Marthita?” she states as she pulls away, taking my hand and drawing me into the living room. The living room where Will and I did our homework all though high school, with us ending up making out on the carpet; since his mother hated for us to sit on the sofas since those were for company only. If this furniture could talk, my face would be so red right now.

“I am doing better. One day at time, right. That’s what my therapist says,” I tell her. “Amelia, I’m so sorry about missing Will’s anniversary. You must know I was in a very dark place at the time. I know that is not an excuse but I just want to let you know how sorry I am for not being able to be there.” The tears come then trying to wash my remorse away, blurring my image of her.

I feel her come sit by me, taking me in her embrace once again and making my sobs come faster stealing my breath. I could hear her own quiet sobs as we hug each other, comforting each other in the loss of a son and a husband.

“Sophia, I was hurt at the time, feeling like you were forgetting my baby boy. It was just so hard being there surrounded by people that knew William but could never understand the depth of the hole he left in our lives and in our hearts, something a mother, a child or a wife can only understand. Losing someone you love with all your heart and mind is painful but losing a child; now that is the greatest heartache a parent can go through, nothing would ever compare to that. So, I just wanted to share the day with someone who knew the heartache of losing him caused, someone who loved him as much as me. Knowing that, how much you have loved him, helped me understand your absence. You need to avoid the place that holds the person that brings you so much pain. I knew that whereever you were you were mourning his death too. I will probably have done the same if it had been John. I knew you were in the hospital and having a hard time but I was so lost in my own grief than to be able to try to comfort you. And for that I am sorry. I wish, oh how I wish we would have never been in this position to begin with, but I hope we can rely on each other to move forward. William would have loved that. We were his best women, remember?”

The guilt after that is overbearing, I have to let it out. I have to tell her about what happen that day. I pull way, standing up. I start to pace.

“Amelia, about that day, as much as it pains me to tell you this, I have to because I feel I can’t breathe with the guilt,” I say as I go and sit away from her.

“What’s wrong, Sophia?” she asks worry marking her face just as Marthita walks in with a tray of coffee and empanadas, setting it on the coffee table in front of us. She turns to leave, but I stop her.

“Marthita, stay. What I have to confess is something that you need to hear also.” She looks at me and then at Amelia, concern in her eyes. Amelia nods and holds out her hand to Marthita, beckoning her to sit next to her. Knowing that what I might have to say will break her heart just a bit more. She sits as I continue to search for the words to spill out of my mouth.

“Amelia, as you had mentioned before, I was taking it very hard. Wishing I had died with Will that day. Hoping that life would take me away with him. It got so bad that my parents and the doctor advised me that I needed to get help. Hospitalization was the solution at that time. I was existing in those walls for six months. Hearing story after story of heartache and pain, but I felt that none of them compared to what I was going through. So, I hid behind my broken heart. Until, Dr. Duarte, my psychiatrist made the choice to release me, he realized that in fact he was enabling my downfall by keeping there. In order for me to make progress, I needed to start living in the real world. But that was further from the truth once I got out; the emptiness of my life became more unbearable. Alcohol became my refuge. That day, on Will’s anniversary I was not mourning him, Amelia like I should; I was asleep nursing a hangover. After I woke up and heard your message and the hurt you felt became my own. The guilt of missing an important date like that consumed me. So I did what I had been doing night after night. I got drunk.”

I had to stop to take a breath. Their face full of concern and pity. The room is full of tears.

The next part will be the hardest, but I want it to come out of me and not from some else, out of respect for them and Will.

“Aye, mi pobre niña,” Marthita sympathized.

“That night in my attempt to drown myself in liquor, I met someone,” I hear Amelia’s gasp. I don’t stop talking. “I did not go to that bar for that reason. Even thinking about it now, I still can’t believe I made that mistake. He took me to his house. The next day I left without a backwards glance. I felt dirty and embarrassed. For me. For Will’s memory. I walked out of there in shame and that for me was my rock bottom. I knew I could not continue this way. I gave something away that I was not ready to give.” I could see the shock on their faces. “As much as I want to erase that night from my memory, I can’t. After weeks of trying to get myself out of the place I was in, I found out I was pregnant.”

“Sophia! What about Will?” Once again, I didn’t acknowledge her outburst; I needed to get it all out before I lost my courage.

“And the worst part is that the father is my neighbor. I could not lie to him and continue to ignore him like I had been doing for those couple of weeks. As much as it pained me to know that he was the father, I had to tell him. He has been very supportive throughout all of this. He knows some things about Will. It has taken me time to get used to the fact that I will become a mother without Will. I feel like all this was supposed to be our future.” Silence reigns the living room.

“Well, I’m speechless. I don’t know what to say.” I know she is stunned. I am not here to ask for forgiveness, for something that can be undone, I am here to make sure she understands that everything I did was not to hurt Will’s memory or to cause blemish on the life we had constructed before his death.

“Amelia, Marthita, you two are like mothers to me. I grew up inside these walls as much as my own. The love I had for Will was all consuming. I loved him since I was fourteen-years-old and it never diminished, it grew stronger. I was so lost when he died; I still am in certain parts. But the thought of becoming a mother has given me the strength to heal. I know you might not understand, because like you said he was your baby, but this one is mine and I have to learn to live again for him or her.”

Amelia walks over to me, grabbing my hands in hers, guiding me to sit down. I had too much adrenaline rushing through me to sit still but for her I did.

“I have never thought about you moving on. I knew you would heal at some point; we all grieve at our own pace. That doesn’t take away from how much we loved our departed ones. I thank you for coming here and letting us know. It pains me that my son did not experience this with you.” She moves our hands aside and her palm lands on my belly. “But this right here is what life is all about. Being able to bring life back into the world. I know Will would have been proud that you have gained your courage to live again. He loved you so much, Sophia. And because of that love, you will always have a family here. Right, Marthita?”

“Of course.” Marthita comes to stand by me. Her face wrinkled with age, has gotten sadder since Will’s death. She always loved him like her own and me by default. “And this young man, does he love you? Or just the baby?”

“Matias loves us.”

“And you?”

‘’I think I do too.”

Amelia and Marthita make me stay and eat the empanadas claiming that since I was eating for two I had to eat more. I could see the sadness in Amelia’s eyes. I know that it was killing her that she would not be able to be a grandmother. Will was an only child just like me. I make my excuses, even though they say that they don’t want me to leave but I can see it in their body language that they need to process this on their own. I make my way to the entrance, hugging and kissing them goodbye and promising them that I will let them know when the baby comes and to invite them to the baby shower. Marthita hands me a Tupperware of empanadas de calabaza. I get into the SUV and drive off.

I don’t get far when the SUV comes to a stop. Right there in the middle of the street. No indicator lights, no nothing. I am about to get out of the vehicle when the sky opens up.

Soaking everything.

I can hear the horns honking for me to move out of the way. They are so loud, they start to get me anxious. I can hear the squeals of tires braking at the last minute when they come up my car. Before I know it, my tears come again. Thinking that maybe one will hit me and we could get hurt or worse that my baby will die has me reaching for my phone. Something that I should have done as soon as my car stopped. I dialed the number he had inputted himself. The storm becoming stronger, raging its war with the wind. I feel and hear the cars zoom by, making me cringe and crying harder. I send a silent prayer while I wait for him to pick up.

Please God save us. Don’t let anything happen to my baby. Will, please help us.

“Hello, Sophia.” Only my sob breaks through. “What’s wrong? Where are you?” I can hear the worry turn into panic.

“I don’t know. My car stopped in the middle of the street,” I say between sobs.

“Okay baby, hang up and message me your location through your phone app,” he says, gaining his control back. “I will be there as fast I can, okay. I promise.”

“Okay.” We hang up and send him my location through my locator app.

I cry as I wait for him. I could make a run for it but I’m even more scared of getting run over, than being stuck here in the car without the protection of the car to minimize the impacted. Just like Will.

It had been a beautiful day when he left for work. But like always, Texas weather is rather bipolar. It started raining on his way home from work. He had taken his motorcycle that day. A car tried to go faster to beat the red light but the pavement was wet from the rain and he skid, taking out Will like a bowling ball knocking down pins. The Department of Public Safety stated that if Will would have been in a vehicle the damage could have been less.

Being this close to possible harm, I think over the last few months and realize that Matias is an important part of my life. He had been slowly gluing back some of the pieces of heart.

And just like the rain that started out of nowhere, so did my love for Matias started to grow.

I look up toward the side window and there he is, just standing there in the rain waiting for me to make my move. Like he knew what I just discovered, that everything I ever needed was right here in front of me.

Him.

Them.

I rub my belly. Talking to Amelia gave me the closure I needed to embrace everything Matias has to offer.

He will become the man that will make my heart forget that it was ever broken.

Ignoring my earlier fears and worries, I open the door and jump into the rain and into his arms. Wrapping my legs around him. I feel his arms go around my waist. As I claim a kiss so deep that now I am trying to claim his soul.