I fight with myself to open my eyes as the heaviness fights to defeat me. I want to succumb to the darkness. I want to succumb to the numbness. I want to succumb to the stillness. But my mind, my heart, my soul can never rest knowing that I left Sophia. I yearn for her but I’m overpowered by the darkness and I’m overtaken by the numbness...

Alarms are sounding and the distant echo of voices is getting louder and louder. Pain. I feel pain and suddenly it’s dispersing throughout my body. My mouth is dry and it feels as if someone ran their nails down my throat, I start pulling at the wires trying to free myself. I hear Nicolas yelling at a nurse, as he bares his weight on my arms to keep me from yanking at the wires. Fear sets in. I look around the room trying to asses what’s going on. I’m freaking out. My stomach knots and I can’t figure what the hell is happening. The nurse keeps telling me to calm down, while Nicolas is hovering over the nurse telling me the same bullshit but all this is just making more me frantic. I realize that the only way they’re going to stop telling to me to calm down and stop removing shit is if I actually do it. Then maybe I can get answers.

“Mr. Duarte, if you don’t stop I’m going to have to restrain you.” The nurse looks me right in my eyes so that I know she means business. My hands instantly go flaccid and my head falls back into the pillow.

“Sophia?” It hurts to say her name. Not only because I have a tube shoved in my throat that it feels so dry it’s as if I swallowed a bucket of nails but my soul hurts because I know she’s not here.

“I’ll get her here but you have to calm down and let the doctor asses you,” Nicolas says sternly.

I still and let the nurse do what she has to do; we wait forever for the doctor to arrive all while I stare down Nicolas with the intention to get Sophia here. I feel instant relief when the doctor removes the endotracheal tube. The doctor asks me questions, orders a few tests, and while he’s talking it all comes back to me. Meeting with Sam. The motorcycle. The bright lights. I squeeze my eyes shut trying to recall that moment but the last thing I remember is laying on the cold pavement. I hear the doctor say I was in a coma.

“How long?” I ask.

“It’s been four weeks, Mr. Duarte.”

“How’s Sam? Is he alright?”

“Yes, he only sustained minor injuries.”

It’s a relief to know he is alright on the other hand I can’t believe I’ve missed four weeks of my life. Time gone, time I will never get back. Time that I have missed with Sophia and my baby.

“When will I get out of here?” I ask.

“Once all the test come back and I feel there’s nothing to be concerned about you will be discharged.” The doctor signs off on some papers in my chart and walks out with the nurse. I turn to look at Nicolas. All of this seems so surreal. I can’t even imagine what I’ve put Sophia through.

“Nicolas, hermano. Please, I’ve been patient enough, get her here now!” I demand. “Don’t make me get out of this fucking bed and go home to her myself,” I threatened. I force the words out as much as they hurt to say, I need him to know how serious I am.

Nicolas is hiding something, I know it. He’s acting like all those times when we were young and he used to secretly eat my candy without telling me.

“Out with it, Nicolas! Where is she?” I don’t care if my fucking throat feels raw, I demand to know where the fuck my woman is and I need to know now. I throw the blankets off and start pull at all the fucking wires that are still attached. I’d like to see the nurse try to restrain me.

“Matias, she’s alright man, she’s upstairs. She just had the baby and is in recovery,” he says for a moment. “Listen to me, hermano, I need to you to be calm.”

“What the fuck?” My heart is beating a hundred times a minute and I can’t catch my breath. I feel I like I got sucker punched in the gut.

“Matias,” he calls out for me but my mind is already elsewhere.

This is not how I imagined any of this. Not how I imagined we were going to be welcoming our baby into this world. I feel cheated. Robbed. My chest is caving in and the antsiness is creeping in. This can not be happening to me. I sit up, trying to make all this go away. Trying to make this situation magically disappear. I can live with me losing four weeks of my life. I can live with me being in the hospital. But I don’t know how live with not being there with Sophia when my baby was born. I tug at my hair trying to alleviate the ache I feel in my chest. Tears begin to escape my eyes; I feel familiar arms go around me, and a soft kiss on my cheek.

“Mother, I didn’t even hear you come in.” She places both hands on my face and I notice she’s been crying. “Mom?” I ask her quizzically.

“Oh, mijo, today God has been generous.” She sits on the bed in front of me. “He has blessed me with a beautiful granddaughter and has brought you back to us.”

I knew it. I felt it… a girl.

“How are they, mom? How is Sophia? My baby? Does she have a name?

“They’re doing great. Sophia is getting settled into a room and the baby is being checked by the pediatrician right now. Don’t worry, mijo, they’re being well taken care of,” my mother tells me trying to calm my worries.

“I need to see them. Can I see them?” I direct my question to Nicolas. If anyone knows how to make this happen, it’s him. “Please, hermano, I need to see them?” Desperation dripping off every syllable.

“I’ll see what I can do for now I need you to rest.” He should know me better than that.

“Yes, mijo, descansa. They need you well and strong.”

“Mama, I cannot rest until I see them. Now can someone please take me upstairs or dammit I will go myself!” My patience is running slim.

“Matias, calm down! Let me go check on Sophia and see what I can do. Don’t go doing something stupid and hurting yourself only to prolong your stay.”

“You’re right but please go now.”

Nicolas exits the room and I stay behind. It feels wrong. It feels as if I should be the one going upstairs checking up on my family but I’m not.

“Sophia didn’t want to name her until you two agreed on a name,” my mother says setting ice chips on the tray next to me to help with the dryness in my mouth and the rawness I feel.

I don’t know what to say. I’m still trying to process that my daughter has been born. Wait, that I have a daughter. That I am a father to a beautiful baby girl. My life as I have known it has forever changed. My life is no longer mine, it’s theirs. I live for them. And when I recall, before everything faded to black, the last person I thought of was her, because she is my life.

My mother has been talking but I haven’t been listening. The only thing on my mind are my girls. Fuck Nicolas. He’s taking too long. I don’t know how much longer I can lie here without seeing them. I sit up in an attempt to get out of bed, but I only manage to get one leg out of the bed before I my head falls back against the bed. The room spins; I might have gotten up to fast.

“Mijo, are you okay? What are you doing?” my mother asks.

Before I have a chance to answer, Sophia’s parents walk in and behind them is Nicolas wheeling in Sophia; wrapped her arms is my baby girl cuddled in a pink blanket. All my pent-up emotions feel as if they are gathering up in a ball of fury, getting ready to explode. I can no longer contain them as Sophia comes face to face with me, Nicolas is slowly helping her onto my bed. Mrs. Montenegro rushes to free Sophia’s hands of the baby. Her arms instantly wrapped around me and as soon as our bodies connect and my life suddenly remembers its purpose, when just moments ago I felt lost. Her heart beats truth into me and reminds me the reason why I am still breathing. The reason why I couldn’t give up that night because of them, I hold her tighter as she sobs. I pull away only to kiss her.

“I love you,” she manages to say as she cries.

“I love you more,” I tell her and kiss her forehead.

Sophia holds out her arms and her mom places my baby girl in them, bringing her toward me; my heart is beating so fast. I’m excited, nervous, and scared all at the same time. I don’t even know how to hold her, she seems so fragile. Sophia places her in my arms and just like that, all that I have been dreaming about, all that I having been anticipating, all that has brought new meaning to my life is wrapped up in a pink blanket sleeping in my arms. I stare down at her, unable to believe she is actually here. Tears run down my cheeks as I bring her closer to my chest.

“She’s beautiful.” I know every parent must say that but she is perfect.

I look up at Sophia, still shocked at what has happened and mesmerized by what I hold in my arms. I look around the hospital room and back down into my arms; the realization that I might not have had this chance to be here hits me and I silently thank the big man upstairs. There are those whose who say that when they encounter death that they see their lives flash before their eyes, well I didn’t. All I saw was darkness and it scared the shit out of me. And I know the reason why; it’s because I haven’t lived my life and I’ll be damned if I was going to leave this world without living it.

A loud bang makes our head turn; it’s Katia busting through the door. “What the hell? I can’t believe you had the baby without me!” She rushes toward the bed and leans in to get a look at her.

“Oh and by the way, I’m so pissed at you for putting her through what you put her through this. But we will discuss that later, mister,” she says sternly before turning to hug Sophia, who is still sitting on the bed.

“Sorry, I came as fast as I could but it was an hour after Nicolas sent me a text since I couldn’t find a sub,” Katia says to Sophia as she pulls away from her hug and begins to greet the rest of the family.

“We are all here now. Thank you, God, for all this love and for giving me the chance to live this life. I will never take it for granted,” I say, extending my hand to take hold of Sophia’s.