Chapter Seven
Lia
I’ve been home from the hospital for a week now, and it’s been chock-full of surprises. On my second day, we were notified my mother had turned herself in to the police for lying under oath, child abuse, and child endangerment. She could also be charged as an accessory in my attack if it’s proven she had knowledge of it. I am still in shock over the whole thing. What could have possibly brought about this sudden change of heart? Actually, the heart has nothing to do with it, because she doesn’t have one; she never has.
Detective Michaels had dropped by to tell us the news in person. After she was gone, Lucian had pulled me into his arms and held me as if I were made of spun glass. He’s been so restless and edgy since we returned home from the hospital that I was hopeful the news of my mother’s confession would bring him some relief. Lucian is a man almost constantly in motion, and I’m afraid this inactivity is starting to get to him. I’ve tried to talk him into returning to his office, at least for a half of a day. His new habit of pacing is beginning to drive me crazy.
He is in his office on a conference call when the doorbell sounds. Rose told me earlier that she was stopping by today, so I assume it’s her. A quick look through the peephole confirms it. I unlock the door, swinging it open to smile at my best friend. “Oh, my God,” she squeals as she pulls me into her arms. “You look so much better, chick! I mean, not that you looked bad before…” We both look at each other before bursting into laughter. “Yeah, you looked like Hell warmed over.”
I pull the cardigan I’m wearing over my T-shirt and yoga pants closer around my body and motion her to the leather couch in the living room. The bruises on my face have started to fade some and now are more of a molten purple color than black. My face is freshly scrubbed and devoid of makeup and my hair is up and tied with one of the ponytail holders Lucian bought for me. I think he was secretly afraid I would use more of his designer underwear to make my own. After we’re settled side-by-side with our feet tucked under us, I say, “It’s so good to see you. I’m sorry I missed you the last time you were here. Lucian was determined that I sleep around the clock for the first few days after being released from the hospital.” I don’t add that I really haven’t wanted to see anyone. Here in this apartment, staring at the walls, I don’t have to pretend to be okay. Well…maybe when Lucian is with me, but even then, I don’t put a lot of effort into it. I just need time to deal with what happened to me in my own way, away from prying eyes that see too much.
“That’s okay; I got to stare at your hot boyfriend for a few minutes at least,” she jokes. Then she adds, “At least he’s not a complete cheating asshole like mine.”
My mouth drops open at her statement. Is she talking about Jake? I look at her carefully, thinking maybe she’s joking, but by the way she’s twisting her hands together, I don’t think she is. “Rose, what’s going on?” She lays her head back wearily against the couch.
“I shouldn’t have said that. The last thing you need is to hear about my problems. Just forget I mentioned it.”
I’m already shaking my head before she finishes speaking. “Oh, no, you don’t. You can’t drop something like that on me and then clam up. And trust me; I’d rather focus on anything other than myself right now, so spill.”
She groans loudly before turning to look at me. “Jake’s been cheating on me. I started suspecting something a few weeks ago when things just didn’t add up. Suddenly he would forget to call me or show up late for our dates. He was going off the grid for long stretches of time with no real explanation for where he’d been. Then there was the perfume I smelled on him, and when I asked him about it, he actually had the nerve to get angry with me for questioning him. So…I followed him one night when he said he was studying with the guys. He went to a house I didn’t know and locked lips with some skank right in the doorway.”
“NO!” I interrupt, unable to contain my amazement. Oh, my God, Jake cheating on Rose? They were like a super-couple. Together forever and sure to marry in the near future. They always seemed perfect for each other. They were one of the few things in my life I thought of as a constant. “Oh, Rose, surely there is some explanation. Maybe she’s just a friend.”
“Hmph, you don’t stick your tongue all over a friend’s tonsils while grabbing her ass.”
“Wow,” I say, still shocked. “I can’t believe that. Did you confront him?”
Fidgeting in her seat, she smirked, “Well, kinda…”
“Uh-oh.” I know that look well. Rose has done something evil; I can always tell.
“I might have waited until they went in her house and took out my heartache on his car…and possibly got arrested.”
She tagged the last part on so fast I almost missed it. “Wait, what?” I ask as my mouth falls open. Rose, smut-mouthed but law-abiding Rose.
“Yeah,” she says while shaking her head. “I guess the gunshots woke the neighborhood and my shouting match with Jake when he came flying out of the whore-bag’s house probably didn’t help much.”
“Holy crap, gunshots?” I know my eyes are bugging out of my head, which no doubt makes my battered face look even more unsightly than it already does.
Rose shrugs her shoulders. “I got a little excited and took my emergency shovel out of the boot of my car and knocked his windows out, but I wasn’t strong enough to puncture his tires with it, so I had to use my gun.” She looks so matter-of-fact that I feel like I’m overreacting for a moment before I shake it off. Hell, no I’m not!
“Oh, my God! Are you crazy? And what are you doing with a gun and a shovel in your car?”
Sounding perfectly reasonable, she says, “You know how much it snows around here in the wintertime. Sometimes, you need a shovel to navigate sidewalks or parking lots. As for the gun, I’ve had one for years. My daddy is a firm believer in protecting yourself. I’ve been able to hit a bull’s-eye in target practice every time since I was eight.” Cocking her finger, she points at me, adding, “Honey, if you’re ever in a gunfight, you are going to hope and pray I’m on your side.”
“Who are you, and where is my Martha Stewart best friend?” I ask, still flabbergasted. Do I know this girl at all?
Rose starts giggling, clutching her sides as she rolls around on the couch. “I’m still your Martha, bitch, but I’m also your Dirty Harry. Thanks to Mama and Daddy demanding equal time, I can bake and shoot with the best of them.”
I laugh with her for what seems like the first time in years. I’ve had nothing to laugh about lately, and my voice sounds rough as if it hasn’t been used nearly enough. Before I can catch my breath, Lucian comes into the room at a fast clip, looking startled by the scene in front of him. The male fantasy of two girls lying all over each other is probably a little skewed for him as he takes in me slumped over a reclining Rose as we both hold our sides and howl with laughter. I don’t know what’s so funny anymore, but I can’t seem to stop the flow. He pauses next to my head and as I stare up at him, I only laugh harder. He looks adorably confused, but I also see the glimmer of a smile at the corners of his mouth. He’s been so serious and uptight the last few days that it pulls at something deep inside me to see him relax if even for a moment.
“What’s so funny, ladies?” he asks when our laughter finally dies down to something more like hiccups.
“Just talking to my friend Martha Harry here,” I say with almost a straight face. Beside me, Rose giggles while Lucian looks between us as if trying to solve a puzzle. In a move that surprises me, he lowers a hand to my face, gently tracing my smiling lips before cupping my cheek.
“I’m almost afraid to know what that means, but if it puts this smile on your face, I don’t care. I’m even going to brave it and ask.” He lifts a brow in inquiry to Rose.
She raises a brow right at him, saying, “I’m pretty sure you already know.”
“You do?” I frown, wondering why I’m the last to know about my best friend’s crazy antics.
Lucian looks confused for a moment before saying, “Ah, maybe I do, Annie Oakley.” He gives me a look of apology. “Sorry, baby; Max asked me not to tell anyone. He didn’t want to betray Rose’s legal rights.”
Completely puzzled by his statement, I ask, “What does Max have to do with it?”
Rose speaks up before Lucian can, looking a bit embarrassed. “I had to call him to get me out of jail. Although my daddy would have probably been proud to come get me, they were out of town and I would have been forced to stay in jail until they could get there.”
I barely know Max, so I’m not sure when Rose could have become acquainted with him. “Oh, did you call Luc?”
“Er…no,” she answers. “I kind of met him while you were in the hospital. Jake and I got into a small argument, and he came over to check on me. He gave me his card in case I had any other problems and I stuck it in my purse. When I was arrested, I remembered it and made him my one phone call. He’s pretty hot, too, so I thought it was a good opportunity to get to know him better.”
Lucian seems totally bemused by her explanation. He drops down onto the couch, tucking me under his arm almost absently before looking at her. “You thought having him bail you out of jail was a good way to take the next step with him? Did you ever stop to think that it might not make the best impression?”
“Nah,” she winks, “when there’s a spark between two people, the circumstances you meet under don’t matter. I felt it that first day at the hospital, but I was too upset to act on it. When I saw him again at the police station, the spark was more like a raging inferno, and this time I didn’t miss the opportunity to explore it further.”
“So I heard,” Lucian muttered under his breath, causing me to jerk around to stare at him.
Exasperated, I huff out, “All right, what else have I missed here?” I can’t believe he has kept all this from me. Attorney-client privilege be damned—this is my best friend and frankly a freaking juicy tale, which no one has shared with me. I want to pitch a childish tantrum right here between them.
Lucian looks at Rose to fill me in. I cross my arms, giving her my best, ‘you better start talking now’ look. She takes what seems like an unusually long amount of time to get comfortable before finally answering my questions. “Well, after Max got me out of the whole mess with just a slap on the wrist and a minor dent in my bank account, I asked him to take me home. The police had impounded my car, and I couldn’t get it until the lot opened later on. So, when we reached the apartment, I wanted to leave him with a little parting gift to think about.” She wiggles her eyebrows suggestively. A quick glance at Lucian shows he looks both fascinated and leery. I’m surprised he hasn’t bolted yet, but I guess it’s hard for a guy to turn down a sex story.
“What kind of parting gift are we talking here?” I ask warily, not sure if I want to know. I just can’t imagine the normally suave and composed Max Decker having car sex with someone he barely knows. It seems so…beneath him somehow.
“Oh, just a little slip of the tongue and hand here and there. I have to say, he sure hides a big…”
Lucian jumps to his feet, looking a bit harried. “I think I need to go now.” He looks down at me as if he’s not sure he wants me to stay, either. Hearing my best friend tell me about the size of his friend and lawyer’s penis is probably not something he relishes. In the end, though, he decides to retreat after he says over his shoulder, “Call me if you need me, baby.”
Rose starts laughing as he leaves just as quickly as he had arrived. I elbow her, hardly able to believe Lucian had been just a bit embarrassed when he left. That’s something that doesn’t happen to him often, I’m betting. “That man is just too fucking sexy, and the way he dotes on you is out-of-this-world adorable. If I didn’t love you, girl, I’d hate your freaking guts for having a boyfriend that fine.”
“Stop trying to change the subject.” I secretly agree that Lucian is everything she says, but I’m beyond curious as to what has transpired between her and Max. “I’m still waiting to hear what happened.”
“Well,” she purrs as she licks her lips dramatically. “When he put the car in park, I climbed from my seat and into his lap.”
“No, you didn’t!” I hiss, unable to believe it. I mean, I know she talks about sex like a sailor sometimes, but she knits, for God’s sake. That just seems like such a contradiction.
“Oh, yeah, I did. I crawled him like the tall tree he is and kissed him until neither of us could breathe.”
“Did he…kiss you back?” I quickly look to where Lucian disappeared just to make sure he isn’t somewhere listening. I want details, but I don’t want to sound like a complete pervert.
“It took a few seconds, because I think he was in shock. But he caught on fast.” Fanning herself, she continued. “That man knows how to use his tongue. I thought I was a good kisser, but he made me feel like a virgin. He was just everywhere. It was the hottest fucking kiss of my life. My panties were totally in danger of melting from the heat he generated.”
“Shut up,” I whisper, even though I don’t mean it. I want to hear the rest, and if she stops, I’ll pop her.
“Oh, no, it’s all true. I know he felt the same way because he was so hard and I’m not just saying that. I felt him against me and then I slid my hand in his pants and wrapped it around him. At least I tried to. The man is huge. I shit you not; my fingers didn’t come close to meeting.” I think briefly of Lucian and how well-endowed he is. I can’t imagine that Max could compete with him in that area, but I decide to keep that to myself. The last thing I want is for him to come back and find Rose and me discussing his penis size.
“So, did you?” I ask, unable to resist finding out if they went all the way in his car.
Rose rolls her lip out, pouting for a moment before grinning again. “Nope, he finally called a halt, but I wasn’t going to let it go much farther. I wanted him to know what it would be like between us, and by that point, he got the big picture, believe me. I pulled my skirt back down, climbed off him, and walked away without a second glance. Max might not know it yet, but that was my way of saying ‘game on.’ Now, I’ll just give him a couple of days before I make my next move.”
“But…what about Jake? Aren’t you in love with him?” I hate to be the voice of reason, but how can she move on so quickly? I would be lying in a sobbing ball somewhere if Lucian had done that to me. I almost panic at the very thought of it, which is more than a little unsettling. He has become my world in the months we’ve been together, and it scares me that I can’t imagine my life without him.
For just a moment, I see a crack in her happy veneer before it’s quickly gone. “I’m a realist, chick. I have to brush myself off and move on. I’ll make him sorry and then I will forget him. I won’t allow him to screw me over and ruin my life.” When she straightens her demure outfit, I feel a touch of awe. How can she seem so calm and collected after what’s happened to her? As always, she looks ready to attend a society gathering, but as I glance down at her purse lying on the table in front of us, I wonder if there is a gun inside. My friend is a badass in disguise; I still can’t wrap my mind around it.
Suddenly, my brain rolls backwards to something she just said. “Whoa, wait. What do you mean you’ll ‘make him sorry’? Are you talking about what you did to him already?”
Oh, no, she’s checking her nails and looking evasive. “Sure, of course…”
“Rose…” I say, trying to get her to look at me, but she jumps up from her place on the couch and grabs her purse.
“I’ve got to run, chick. Dinner with the parents. Daddy wants to hear all about my arrest.”
“Oh, crap, are you in trouble?” I ask, concerned for my friend.
She rolls her eyes at my question, seeming to think it’s absurd. “Hell, no. He’s probably told everyone he knows by now. Daddy’s a firm believer in jail yard justice. I mean, don’t get me wrong; he wouldn’t tolerate me being some random brawler, but he wants me to defend myself. If someone wrongs me then I should retaliate—within reason, of course.”
“By ‘within reason,’ you mean?” I ask, needing some clarification. Her daddy sounds a little crazy to me, but it’s not as if I have any room at all to throw stones.
She drapes her purse strap over her shoulder and starts walking toward the door. “No killing anyone,” she answers over her shoulder before giving me a backwards wave. “Talk soon, muah!” With those words, she strolls out the door, looking as freshly put-together as usual. Just thinking of how…clean she looks makes my skin crawl. No matter how hard I try, I haven’t been able to feel that way since my attack. I have showered so many times since I got home from the hospital that Lucian had started to ask questions. I try to do it while he’s occupied in his office. I don’t want him to think I’m crazy, but I need just the brief respite, which comes from scrubbing myself.
I walk down the hallway toward his office and hear his voice. Good, he’s on the phone. I quickly make my way to the bedroom and straight into the bathroom. I wrap my hand in plastic to keep the cast on my wrist dry and turn the water on as hot as I can tolerate. I’ve stopped wearing most of the other bandages, as my cuts have healed enough to do without them. I quickly remove my clothes, turning to avoid seeing my reflection in the mirror, and take a fresh loofah from the bathroom cabinet. The rough texture gives me hope that eventually I’ll be able to scrub away the feel of him on my skin. My stomach churns at the very thought, and I quickly jump under the scalding water.
Again and again, I add liquid soap to the loofah and scrub my body. I work the hardest on my stomach, breasts, and the area between my thighs. Those places never seem to be free of the filth I feel crawling back almost immediately. I have no idea how long I’ve been in the shower, but as I start to sway, weak from the hot water and exhaustion, I realize I’m sobbing almost hysterically. When I look down, I see blood on my hands and on the sponge. A scream rips from my throat as the door is thrown open and Lucian stands there looking terrified.
“Lia!” he yells frantically. “What’s wrong?” He looks around the room, as if expecting to see someone else here with us. I’m still in a daze at the sight of the blood…the red against my hands is mesmerizing and it’s hard for me to look away. His voice has lowered considerably when he says, “Baby, fuck, what have you done to yourself?”
I’m so confused by his question that I look to him in inquiry before following his eyes back to my body. I sway on my feet as I really see what he’s looking at. The loofah has dug deep, breaking the skin in what looks like more than one place. My stomach seems to have gotten the worst of it with me possibly breaking open some of the healing cuts there. My thighs and breasts both look bright red and are starting to throb. The most alarming thing is that I don’t remember rubbing hard enough to do that kind of damage, nor did I feel the pain I should have felt. I don’t want him to see me like this. He’s going to know now that I’m not as okay as I’ve been pretending to be. There is no way to explain away what I’ve done to myself. For some reason, all I can do is apologize. “I’m sorry, Luc. I’m sorry,” I repeat again and again as he looks just as broken as I feel.
“Stop, baby,” he whispers shakily as he reaches one hand out to brace me and uses the other to turn the water off. The bathroom is filled with so much steam it’s hard to breathe. I drop the loofah from my hand, unable to bear the sight of my blood on it.
“I just wanted to get clean,” I try to explain. “I don’t know why I can never get it off me.”
He flinches at my words, looking like he’s taken a hit. Without commenting, he picks me up and lifts me from the shower. He manages to grab a towel from the closet and wrap it around me before walking into the bedroom. The air feels frigid after the heat of the bathroom making me shiver. With little regard for the expensive bedding, he lays me gently on the sheets before pulling the comforter over me. I want to protest because I know I’m not only getting water but blood, as well, all over the expensive linens. He drops a quick kiss on my forehead, looking just as shaky as I feel. “Hang tight, baby; I’m going to grab the first aid kit.” For some reason, I have the insane urge to laugh. Where would I possibly go right now? I’m a wreck in more ways than one. Thankfully, I’m able to control myself, because he would probably think me completely insane after what he just walked in on if I were to start laughing hysterically.
He returns with a white box, setting it on the nightstand before sitting next to me. When he pulls the comforter back, I freeze, not wanting him to see the ugliness that has become so much a part of me, both inside and out. Some of what I’m feeling must show on my face because he stops. “I hate for you to see me this way,” I whisper as I feel the tears rising to choke me once again. When will they ever stop? I don’t understand my sudden descent into this kind of despair. My stepfather has abused and touched me before. Yes, it was worse this time, but still, why can’t I get past it enough to function? I have someone who cares about me; someone who I know would kill to protect me. I’m alive, I wasn’t raped, and I’m home with the man I love. Why can’t I crawl out of this horrible shell of self-pity and take my life back?
Lucian drops the comforter back into place, moving to take my head between his hands. “Lia, you’re beautiful to me, no matter what. When I see the marks on your body, all I think of is how strong you are and how many battles you’ve fought in your life. Most people would have given in to their circumstances years ago, but you’ve persevered. I hurt when you hurt, baby, but I never, not for one moment, see anything but the woman who brings me to my knees with her courage.” His lips settle on mine in something more than a brief peck for the first time since my attack. He possesses my mouth in a way that leaves little question as to whether he still wants me. As our tongues tangle, I feel a flicker of life which I was afraid was lost forever. Somewhere deep inside, I was terrified he would never want me again as he had before. If this kiss is any indication, though, those fears are unfounded. When he finally pulls back, his eyes are heavily-lidded with desire and his breathing is rough.
Words of love are on the tip of my tongue. I love this man so much it’s a physical ache in my soul, but I can’t bear to have him pull away from me today, so I leave the words hanging between us once again. It needs to continue to be enough right now that he cares for me. Doesn’t he show me that every day? Never breaking eye contact, I pull the cover from my body, exposing my injuries to him. I see the distress he’s unable to hide as he looks at what I’ve done to myself. As he takes an alcohol wipe and starts cleaning my new injuries, I say quietly, “I didn’t mean to do it, Luc. Since…I haven’t been able to wash it all away. I keep trying, but I still feel his hands on me.”
Lucian inhales sharply, looking crushed at my admission. “Why haven’t you talked to me, baby? You’ve every right to feel what you’re feeling, but you keep saying you’re okay. I knew…with all of the showers, that something was going on. I’ve been standing outside the door until I hear you get out, but this time, I heard you crying. You don’t have to hide anything from me, Lia. I’m here. Let me help you deal with what you’re going through.”
“I want to,” I admit huskily. “But…I’m afraid you won’t want me anymore if you see how weak I am right now. You might think I’m strong, but I’m scared of my own shadow. I’m afraid that I’ll never be me again and we’ll never be us.”
His hands still as he gapes at me. “Oh, baby, I can’t believe the thought of me not wanting you would even enter your mind. I feel like a sick bastard because I want you so fucking much every time we’re together that it keeps me tied up in knots.” He takes my uninjured hand and puts it on his crotch. My eyes widen as I feel him hard and throbbing against my palm. With a rueful smile, he releases my hand. “Yeah, that’s how much I don’t want you. I know it’s fucked, but my cock wants you immediately when you’re near. As soon as you’re healed and ready, I’ll be inside you again where I belong.”
Lucian’s words help to relax me a little as he continues to tend to my old and new wounds. I want nothing more than to believe nothing has changed in that area of our relationship. From the moment we met, the air has literally crackled with the desire we feel for each other. I was too inexperienced to even realize and understand a lot of it at first, but I knew that I’d never felt anything even close to what I felt when he was near. After we had had sex, the feelings only strengthened. When we weren’t together, I was in a constant state of slow burn for him. Even with my thoughts and emotions all over the place now, I still feel the hum of electricity between us.
He has been so distracted and restless. I think we both desperately need to return to some semblance of our former routine, but I don’t know how. Thus far, I’ve avoided leaving the apartment. The few times Lucian has mentioned it, I’ve felt myself shutting down. I’ve begun to feel terribly guilty, though, over the last few days. I’ve watched him seeming to struggle with something, and I have to believe it’s my situation and his inability to make things better overnight. Lucian is a man of action and unfortunately for both of us, there doesn’t seem to be a miracle cure for me mentally. Physically, my body is healing, and each day I see the evidence of my attack lessen. Well, at least it had been until my freak-out in the shower moments ago.
Rose had asked me earlier when I planned to register for my last quarter of school. I need to check on the test scores of my final exams and meet with my financial counselor. Now, though, I can’t stand the thoughts of going back on campus at least until my stepfather is behind bars. Lucian seems to think that is imminent, but I don’t have his confidence. Of course, I never would have imagined my mother turning herself in, either. Lucian didn’t seem surprised at all, which is even more puzzling. Apparently, he has more faith in humankind than I do. When I feel my hand being shaken, I look up, realizing I’ve completely zoned out while he applied my new bandages. “Sorry, baby,” I murmur absently, noting as I always do his pleasure when I use that word. Although Lucian addresses me in that manner often, I feel shy about doing the same. Maybe some part of me has never been able to believe I’m entitled to use words such as those with a man like Lucian Quinn.
“No worries,” he assures me as he sits back to study my face. “Better now?”
I nod shyly, feeling the urge to drag the covers up over my head. I can’t help but think that he’s wondering when the woman from a few weeks prior will return. I only hope for my sake, as well as his, that it won’t be long. With that in mind, I find myself saying something I wish instantly that I could take back. “Would you…like to walk to Leo’s for dinner?” I feel even worse when Lucian lights up like a kid at Christmas. I may have underestimated how difficult it’s been for him to stay cooped up in the apartment. I want to panic as the words are hanging between us, but the look of relief on his face keeps me silent. If he needs this, I’ll do it no matter how hard it is for me.
His voice is carefully blank, as if he doesn’t want to pressure me, when he asks, “Would you like to?”
No, no, no! I’m screaming inside as I say, “Sure, I think it would be nice. Unless you’d rather not?” Shit, I hope my voice doesn’t sound hopeful at that question. I started this and now I need to see it through.
“No, I’d love to. I believe getting out for a bit would do us both some good. Do you need help getting ready?” I think of the yoga pants I’ve been wearing daily and guess this is his way of assuming—or hoping—that I plan to leave my present wardrobe mainstay behind, at least for dinner.
“No, I can manage.” He drops a light kiss on the top of my head and leaves the room with more spring in his step than I’ve seen lately. I wait until he’s completely out of view before pulling myself slowly from the bed. I ache from a combination of my injuries and my lack of recent activity. Lying around has caused my body and my mood both to be sluggish. Even though it scares the hell out of me, I need to get out of this apartment just as badly as Lucian apparently does.
I step into the walk-in closet which now contains all of my clothing, thanks to Lucian sending Sam to pick it up, and look through the hangers until I find a maxi-dress that flows to my ankles. I add a scarf and black cardigan to hide the worst of my remaining bruises and slip my feet into a pair of black ballet flats. In the bathroom, I take the ponytail holder from my hair, letting it fall around my shoulders. I quickly brush it and add some lip-gloss. There is no use in adding further makeup with the ugly bandage on my nose. Lucian’s aunt has said I should be able to remove it soon. I have an appointment with Lucian’s personal physician next week.
He walks into the bathroom, looking gorgeous in a pair of dark jeans and a black button-down shirt. “Ready?” he asks before pulling me into his arms and holding me against his muscular chest. He has no idea how much I need what he is giving me right now. He has treated me more like his sister since we’ve been home until today. Feeling his arms around me for more than just a brief hug is Heaven. I know he has been afraid of hurting me, but I’ve missed this between us. He has taken to holding my hand at night when we go to sleep, and I wake almost every morning to find him already gone from the bed. I am starting to realize now that maybe he has just been trying to follow my lead. I’ve given him little reason to believe I want more from him, that I need more from him than ever before. While I’ve been trying to deal with the mess in my head, I’ve pushed him away. I know in my very bones that I couldn’t make it through all that has happened to me without him, and it’s time I tried to let him see that. I know I can’t bounce back to normal overnight, but he needs to know I need him.
I draw back slightly and he automatically loosens his hold, thinking I’m pulling away. Instead, I go up onto my tiptoes and press my lips to his. His arms tighten, and he groans. The kiss is gentle and I pour all the love I feel for him into it. When our lips finally part, he lays his forehead against mine. “I’ve missed you,” I admit, trying to convey so much into so few words.
He looks into my eyes as if he can see directly into my soul before saying, “I’m here, baby. I never left. I’m right here waiting for you whenever you’re ready to come back to me.”
Then it happens. The words flow from my mouth and my heart before I can stop them. “Oh, Luc, I love you.” His eyes widen and I feel him catch his breath. Even as the words hover in the air between us, I don’t regret them. The need to tell him how I feel has been choking me. The thing that surprises me the most about the moment, though, is that he hasn’t pulled away. He is still looking at me, as if trying to gauge the truth behind my words. I wordlessly cup the side of his face in my hand, letting him know it’s okay that he can’t say the words back. When I began to pull away, thinking it will be easier for him if I do, he tightens his hold on me before moving his hands from my back and curving them around my neck, holding me immobile.
“I want to give that to you, baby, I really do.” Looking tormented, he says raggedly, “I lose the people I love, though, and I…God, I can’t lose you, too.”
“Luc,” I whisper brokenly as I choke back a sob. “You won’t lose me,” I try to reassure him. It’s obvious from the rigid set of his jaw and the shadows in his eyes that my attack has been harder on him than I imagined. Even though I was the one hurt physically, we both bear the scars of the last few weeks. I turn my head and kiss the side of his arm. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here.”
He shudders, seeming as emotionally invested in our conversation as I am. “Just give me time, Lia, and know that when I can say the words again, it will be you and only you who will hear them. I’m not going anywhere, either. I’m committed to you.” We kiss tenderly for a few moments before he finally releases my neck and takes my hand. My stomach growls loudly in the quiet room, making it impossible to miss. Lucian smirks at me, raising both of our hands to kiss my fingers. “Let’s find my girl some food,” he teases, looking so impossibly relaxed and handsome. I feel a twinge of desire inside which takes me by surprise. I was afraid I would never enjoy that simple pleasure again, but I should have known that no amount of ugliness could ever take away my body’s reaction to him. I didn’t truly start living until I met him, and my heart and body will always respond when he is near because he owns them both.