Chapter Eight
Lucian
I walk down the familiar streets of my neighborhood feeling lighter than I have since before Lia’s attack. Just doing something so normal feels better than I could have imagined. Lia is tucked under my arm while I twirl a strand of her blonde hair around my finger. I could tell earlier when she suggested having dinner out tonight that she regretted it almost as soon as she spoke the words. She has shown no interest in leaving the apartment since we arrived home from the hospital. She’s spent the majority of her time either in the bed, or curled up on the couch pretending to watch television while she actually stares off into space.
When I admitted as much to my aunt, she again suggested counseling and possibly medication. It’s not that I’m opposed to either in principle, but I remember well that neither seemed to help Cassie through her erratic years of highs and lows.
When I found her in the shower earlier with blood on her hands and stomach, I was hit with a crippling sense of déjà vu. Spots danced before my eyes and I was damn close to a panic attack at the very least and having a fucking heart attack at the worst. Thank Heaven I had been able to get myself together and take care of her. For just a split second, I’d thought she had cut her wrists or something equally as bad.
I’d almost called my aunt then, feeling lost as to how to help the woman who had become my world. Losing her would shatter me, and this time, I don’t think I could put myself back together again.
While I was quietly panicking and trying to keep my mind occupied with taking care of her, though, something happened which maybe we both had been needing. We talked to each other for the first time in days. She told me how she had been feeling since her attack, and I listened in shock as she gave voice to her fears that I no longer wanted her physically.
I wanted to slump over in relief because I had been experiencing the same fear—that Lia no longer wanted what we had had before her stepfather got his vile hands on her. Our talk had continued before we left for dinner when Lia had admitted she loves me. A part of me wanted to run when the words left her mouth. But the other part had needed to hear them again, since the first time she said them in the hospital and I hadn’t been sure she even knew it because of the medication she was on. If I were honest with myself, my heart had soaked up her declaration like a flower seeing the sun for the first time in years. I was afraid, though, to give those three words back to her. I’m afraid to move forward and terrified of losing her if I don’t.
The past and all of the secrets festering there are getting to be too much to bear. I cracked yesterday morning and snorted a line of my white powder of denial. I was coming apart at the seams over everything that had happened to Lia, my fear of losing her, and pressure from Lee Jacks wanting to talk to his daughter. The daughter who had no clue he existed. I had given up the smoking, as it didn’t seem to help that much, and Lia had begun asking too many questions about why I reeked of smoke constantly.
Lee Jacks. Shit, the other man might be piling on the pressure to meet his daughter, but I can’t fault his dedication to avenging her years of abuse. How he had managed to get her bitch of a mother to turn herself in and admit to everything under the sun was a mystery to me. Judging by the rumors that circulated about Jacks, maybe I was even a tad surprised that she hadn’t just disappeared. Lee had also assured me that Jim Dawson would soon be in police custody to answer for his list of crimes, which was somewhat disappointing to me. No matter how much I enjoyed thinking of him rotting away in a cell with others hopefully torturing him just as he had Lia, I still would have preferred a world in which he didn’t exist at all. I had to believe that Lee was thinking of some bigger picture here. I couldn’t imagine that he would let Dawson off that easily if he had any say in the matter whatsoever. I was trusting him to have a plan that both he and I could live with.
Suddenly, I stumble, looking up in alarm when I realize I’ve almost plowed Lia down. At some point in my inner musings she had stopped as we reached Leo’s, and I being in such deep thought had continued to walk forward. I catch her in my arms, trying to steady us both. “Damn, baby, are you okay? I’m sorry; I didn’t notice you’d stopped.”
She gives me a wry smile, saying, “Yeah, I sort of gathered that when you kept right on going even when I called your name a few times. You were a million miles away.”
I hug her to me briefly before placing my hand in the small of her back and leading her to the doorway of Leo’s. We are ushered to my favorite table in the back, giving us the privacy I know Lia needs for her first outing. I help her into the corner booth before sliding in next to her. I immediately drop my arm over her shoulders, pulling her into my side. I’m so proud of her for doing this tonight, even though I know she didn’t really want to. I order us a bottle of wine and our waiter brings some fresh bread and olive oil. After a week of very little appetite on either of our parts, I find myself suddenly starving. Lia grins at me indulgently as I polish off the small loaf and ask for another. I point to it, saying, “You better get in here before it’s gone.”
After our first glass of wine, I feel her relax. We are in our own world, with only the waiter appearing briefly to refill our glasses and bring our next course. I’m trying to talk Lia into splitting dessert with me when someone clears their throat, bringing both of our heads up. I stiffen in anger when I see Lee Jacks standing before us; there is no way that him being here is a coincidence. I was sure he’d had someone watching Lia, but now I’m certain. It fucking pisses me off after telling him he needed to give her time to recover before trying to spring her long-lost father on her. I know I’ll lose my shit if he tries to make any revelations to her tonight. I wasn’t lying to him when I said she wasn’t ready. After what happened earlier in the shower, I’m more certain than ever that she needs more time.
Lia looks at me apprehensively when I continue to sit woodenly, not acknowledging the other man. Finally, he steps forward with his hand extended and an amused expression on his face. Fucker. “Quinn, it’s good to see you again.”
Yeah, I just bet it is. I have little choice but to return his handshake, saying simply, “Jacks.” He makes a point to turn to Lia next, and my good manners won’t allow me to exclude her from the greeting. “Lia, this is Lee Jacks.” I turn back to the other man, narrowing my eyes before I add, “Lee, this is my girlfriend, Lia Adams.”
Two things happen when I finish the introduction. First, Lee takes Lia’s hand gently, surprising me with the level of emotion that seems to flit across his usually impassive face. Second, I think of how absurd it sounds for someone my age to be addressing the woman who lives with him as his ‘girlfriend.’ It seems so high school to me, but I’m not sure what a more appropriate word would be. I guess, truthfully, I wasn’t much older than a teenager the last time I had a woman in my life who qualified for a status other than one-night stand, or in Laurie’s case, more like a high-class hooker. Lia had been a bit angry over my description of Laurie’s former place in my life, but as I assured her, there was no comparison between the two. Lia might have had a tough time financially trying to put herself through school, but Laurie’s need to spend more money than she had on frivolous items to keep up with her high-society friends made her as different from Lia as night and day in my mind. That left Lia being the only woman to occupy a close place in my life since Cassie. So, yeah, I was treading water every day balancing my need to protect what is left of my heart with my overwhelming desire for the woman sitting next to me. I’d been fucking lost the first moment I met her, and the days that pass only make my desire to keep her in my life impossible to resist.
Lee makes no mention of the bandages on Lia’s nose as he says, “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Lia. I believe we saw each other briefly at Lucian’s apartment a few days ago.” I wonder if she even remembers since she was still taking pain pills then, but she seems to recognize him.
“That’s right,” she answers shyly. “I remember seeing you in Luc’s office. I’m sorry I didn’t speak, but I wasn’t feeling well then.” I doubt that Lia notices, but I see Lee’s mouth tighten briefly before he relaxes. It’s obvious that Lia’s injuries bother him a great deal. I recall Max saying something about not knowing if Lee would be more interested in a daughter because she was family or a possible social problem for him if the knowledge fell into the wrong hands. Seeing his reaction to her tonight, I almost think it’s the first. Whatever the reason, he seems to feel something for her; trapping me into this informal meeting so he can be near her attests to that fact.
They both look at me when he continues to stand there, and I reluctantly indicate the other side of the table to him. “Would you like to join us for a moment?” I hope like hell that he’ll turn the invitation down, but he wastes no time seating himself opposite from us. I dart a quick glance at Lia and find her self-consciously rubbing the bandages over her nose as if trying to hide them from our unwanted guest. I shoot a glare at Lee, hoping he’ll get the message, but the bastard completely ignores me and turns his attention back to Lia…his daughter.
“So, Miss Adams, Lucian mentioned that you are in college. What is your major?” I feel the childish urge to kick Lee under the table. No doubt, he already knows the answer to the question he is asking.
We both turn to Lia and I have to give her credit; if she is surprised by his knowledge, she doesn’t let on. “I’m majoring in Business Administration.”
“And what type of position do you hope to obtain after graduation?” he continues to probe. I see Lia loosen up slightly because this is a comfort zone for her. She knows exactly what she wants to do and the passion comes through as she tells Lee about her desire to be a business analyst to help a company remain competitive by proposing ways to improve their structure, efficiency, and profits.
Dammit to Hell, if I wanted to lessen his growing obsession with her, then I should have steered this conversation another way, because Lia is glowing as she talks about her career goals and Lee looks like exactly what he is: a proud father. “That’s very impressive,” he praises when she’s finished. I can tell they aren’t just meaningless words to him, either. Hearing Lia detail her business knowledge to me the first time was the sexiest fucking thing I’d ever heard from a woman’s lips. I know Lee is blown away by her intelligence and drive, which comes across so clearly when she speaks. Even if he wasn’t her father, her little spiel would have wowed him, I have no doubt. He talks with her about his company and his real estate holdings. He also adds in the fact that I purchased my apartment from him. When he tells her, “I hope you’ll keep my company in mind when you graduate,” I decide I’ve had enough. When Lia finds out he’s her father, it’s going to be even worse that Lee and I sat here with her for an hour and didn’t tell her the truth. This needs to end—now.
I begin sliding from the booth, surprising Lia with the abruptness of the movement. When I’m standing, I throw some money on the check the server had dropped sometime during Lee’s visit and offer my hand to help her up. Lee stands before she reaches my side, raising a brow at my hasty departure. He knows he holds all of the cards here. When he’s ready, he’ll find a way to tell her, and there is damn little I’ll be able to do to stop him; tonight has proven that to me. “It was good to see you again, Lee,” I say as she slips under my arm.
“You, too, Lucian,” he replies, but his eyes are only on his daughter. “Miss Adams, it was a pleasure talking to you. I’m sure we’ll see each other again soon.” She smiles in reply, seeming to think nothing strange of his words. If only she knew.
We walk back toward the apartment, both lost in our thoughts. When we arrive home, I’m shocked when she continues to hold onto my hand and pulls me toward the bedroom. She shifts on her feet nervously when we’re standing in the middle of the room. “Luc…I need you. I want your hands to be the last ones that have touched my body. I need to know that I belong to you again, all of me.”
My cock immediately jumps to attention at her words, fully willing to give her everything she is asking for. My heart, though, shatters just a little more at the way she has averted her eyes as if expecting me to refuse her. My God, doesn’t she understand yet that she owns me? Pulling her body snugly to mine, I ask huskily, “Are you sure?” My body throbs in anticipation as I try to bank the fires building inside me.
“Yes,” she whispers. “I want you to make love to me, Luc.” With the insecurity she’s feeling over her body, I know how hard this must be and how much courage it’s taking for her to risk rejection. As if that was ever a possibility. I want to erase those bastard’s hands from her body just as much as she does. After not being inside her for two weeks, I’m desperate to feel her again. No matter how hard it will be for me, though, I’ll take it slow and look for any sign that she’s in distress. Tonight is all about cherishing every inch of her body and alleviating any doubts she might have that I feel differently about her.
“You have no idea how much I want that, baby,” I reply as my hands drop to her waist before releasing her. I turn the bedside lamp on, needing to see all of her but also knowing she would prefer the room to be dark. I leave the light on the lowest setting, giving us both some of what we need. I also don’t want her to think for a moment that I need the darkness now to make love to her.
I stay fully dressed as I return to her, easing the sweater she is wearing from her shoulders and letting it fall to the floor. This isn’t the time to worry about neatness; my only focus is her. Next, the scarf she has wound around her neck follows the path of the sweater and I pause to make sure she’s still in the moment with me. She gives me a slight nod, letting me know she wants to continue, and I almost sag in relief.
Her dress is a little trickier and I find myself studying it as if trying to solve a puzzle. It’s so long that I hate to pull it over her head, but at the same time, I’m afraid it will ruin the mood somewhat if I try to push it downwards and she gets stuck in it. When she lifts her arms, I give her a quick smile, thanking her silently for answering my question. Having a wrestling contest with her clothing right now isn’t something I want to do. I ease the dress as gently as possible up her body and over her head before tossing it behind her. Then I step back and swallow as I take in her beautiful body in nothing but a pale blue bra and matching tiny lace panties. Most of her bruises have now faded to a purplish color, and her cuts, scratches, and bites are almost healed. The bandages I applied earlier look stark white against her creamy skin but do nothing to distract from her appeal. She looks achingly fragile but so damned gorgeous it’s almost painful to look at her. “Baby, you are beautiful,” I say and mean every word. In my eyes, there is no equal to her.
Next, she does something that takes me by surprise and shows me again how very strong she is regardless of how many blows life has landed upon her. She takes a couple of steps back, putting space between us. My heart plummets, thinking she is pulling away; instead, she raises her hands to unclip her bra, before dropping it on the pile of clothing already on the floor. The bruises and marks on her breasts have faded as well to just faint outlines. Her dusky nipples are erect and tipped to perfection, as if begging for my mouth. Instead of stepping forward as my body is urging me to do, I wait as her hands drop to the waistband of her panties, slipping inside the material and lowering it over her slim hips and down her long, slender legs before letting the slip of blue material pool around her feet.
I stand before her with all of the composure of a schoolboy as my erection strains at the fabric of my jeans. I am painfully hard, and the urge to pick her up and bury myself in her silken depths is almost unbearable. Again, I’m taken aback as she comes back to stand just inches from me and asks, “Can I undress you, Luc?”
“Fuck yes, baby,” I rasp, dangerously close to losing what little control I have left. Feeling her hands begin working the buttons of my shirt has me gritting my teeth in a mix of pleasure and pain. After she has released the first few buttons, she starts dropping kisses on each inch of skin she exposes. Having her take control tonight was not what I was expecting at all, and I’m both taken aback and tremendously excited. Maybe her need to take charge isn’t completely unexpected. Her choices have been taken from her far too often in her life, and if I can give just a piece of that back to her, then I’ll gladly defer to whatever she needs tonight. I shrug my shirt from my shoulders as she trails her fingernails lightly over my chest. A hiss escapes my lips as I lower my arms to cup her ass. Kneading the firm flesh, I attempt to bring her against me, but she isn’t done yet. She seems intent on finishing the job of undressing me, and I drop my hands once again to let her.
Her hands drop to the top of my jeans and her fingertips dip inside the waistband, teasing me for a moment before she grasps my belt and unbuckles it. She leaves it hanging open and moves to unbutton and then slowly lower the zipper of my jeans. With the confining material gone, my cock springs forward as far as possible against the silk of my boxers. I help her finish pushing my jeans and boxers to the floor before kicking my feet free of them. She moans low in her throat when my cock juts forward against her belly as if looking for a way inside her. “I want you, Luc,” she says as she wraps her hand around my length, causing my body to shudder. I’m dangerously close to blowing my load in her hand when I pull back and swing her up into my arms. I need to cool down for a moment and put the focus back on her.
I lay her back on the bed, spreading her legs as I settle between them on my knees. I take one of her legs in my hand and slowly kiss up the length of it. When I reach the apex of her thighs, I pay special attention to the injuries still visible there, licking and stroking over every inch before moving to her other leg and repeating the same process.
When I again reach her center, I feel her stiffen slightly as I raise her hips and drape her legs over my shoulders. She is completely open to me and I’m drowning in the sight and smell of her. As I lick along the line of her slit, she digs her hands into my hair, seeming to both push me away and pull me closer at once. I raise my head, forcing her to open her eyes when I stop. “Okay?” I ask, needing confirmation before I continue.
She gives me a jerky nod, adding, “Don’t stop,” which is all I need to hear.
My tongue devours her sweet, spicy taste like a starving man. I suck her throbbing nub into my mouth, and she screams incoherently. I barely release it before I’m darting my tongue inside her wet heat, fucking her slick folds with everything I have. She is thrashing around on the bed, and I can vaguely make out my name among the garbled words she is moaning. When I replace my tongue with two fingers, I feel her body spasm. I nip her clit with my teeth and her legs lock around my head as she comes all over my tongue. Her juices seep down the crevice of her ass as they flow from her pussy faster than I can lick them up. When her legs loosen, I rise up over her. My cock is rigid and painfully hard as I lubricate it in her wet heat. With super-human strength, I start to push into her slowly, ignoring the urge to bury myself to the hilt in one thrust and fuck her hard. Since we haven’t had sex in a few weeks, she is even tighter than usual, and I don’t want to hurt her. I know I have a big cock, but she always manages to take everything I give her.
I lower my body onto hers, taking her lips in a hot, carnal kiss. I feed her my tongue at the same time I give her my cock…inch by inch. Making love to her mouth gives me just enough of a distraction that I can enter her slowly without losing my mind. “Oh, baby,” I groan when I’m fully seated. “You feel so damn good.”
Her hips move against mine, almost impatiently. “Ahhh, Luc, please.” She bites my bottom lip and almost kills me when she says urgently, “Harder, I need it harder!”
The tenuous control I’ve been holding onto is shot to Hell with those words. My cock hears nothing but the word, ‘harder,’ and I’m helpless to do anything but obey. The sound of our skin slapping together fills the room as I go balls-deep with every thrust. She is chanting my name in a throaty, high-pitched way that drives me fucking crazy. I pull her hips closer, grinding against her core. This added stimulation sets her off and she’s coming hard on my cock, milking me from the inside. I barely retain my control, letting her come down before I push into her in a couple of rapid-fire thrusts and explode, coming so hard I feel lightheaded for a moment. I hold my full weight from her, just coherent enough to remember her injuries. She strokes my damp hair, raising up enough to meet my descending mouth. We leisurely kiss now, having taken the edge off.
“That was insanely good,” I whisper against her mouth before I drop a kiss on her chin. I move to lie beside her, pulling her into the curve of my body. “Are you okay?” I ask as I stroke her hip. I see the evidence of our love making glistening on her thigh, and know it’s probably twisted, but I lower my hand and rub it against her pubis. Yeah, I’m a bit of a caveman, but I like marking her with my cum.
She remains quiet while I do this but doesn’t seem to mind. Maybe we both need to know it’s my scent and essence on her body. “I’m good,” she answers, “the best I’ve been since…” I’m grateful she doesn’t finish her sentence; I don’t want that bastard here between us. I pull the cover over our rapidly cooling bodies and we drift off, both sated and relaxed.
I awake sometime later to Lia straddling my body. I moan in pleasure as she lifts up then impales herself onto my length. I run my hands over her hips then up her torso. I think it’s odd for a moment that I don’t feel the bandages I put there earlier. Something else feels strange, as well; her stomach feels huge and distended. My pace falters as I try to push her off me. Something is wrong. The voice saying my name sounds like hers but she doesn’t feel like Lia. “Stop!” I shout, trying to move away from her. I can’t understand how my cock is still hard and inside her when I’m so freaked out. She laughs in a way that makes my skin crawl; only it’s not her this time…it’s Cassie. The room, which had been so dark, is suddenly filled with light and Cassie is riding my body with Lia nowhere in sight. One moment she is laughing down at me and in the next, she is screaming as she raises her arm. Too late…again too late, I see the glint of metal before it plunges into me. Blood, so much blood everywhere, I think as I lay choking. Aidan, where is he? I wonder as the familiar scene plays out. Then it hits me. Lia, oh my God, I can’t leave her! “Where is Lia? What have you done to her, Cassie?” I yell frantically as I try to free myself from the woman now slumped on top of me. “Lia…Lia,” I slur, feeling it all slipping away from me once again.
Lia
I try to roll over and block out the sound, but it’s relentless. Who is crying at this hour, I wonder before it hits me. I jerk upright in bed, looking around the darkened room. The mattress moves and I turn to find Lucian flailing around next to me. Oh, no, that sound, I know the choking sound from his nightmares, but he’s crying? As I reach for the lamp on the nightstand, I hear him whimpering my name over and over. I learned the hard way to approach him cautiously when he’s in the middle of a nightmare. The one time I didn’t, I ended up flying through the air and striking my head on a nearby table. I try calling out to him, hoping he’ll hear me. “Luc, wake up! Luc, you’re dreaming, baby. Wake up!” I try a few more times but even though he calls my name, I’m almost positive he’s still asleep.
“Cassie, what have you done?” he sobs, breaking my heart. I want so badly to know what she did to him all those years ago that still torments him to this level today. I get close enough to take his hand and try shaking it.
“Luc, it’s me, Lia. Please, wake up…please,” I call out to him as he begins to choke again. I drop his hand and quickly leave the bed to turn on his lamp. His face is pale and tears leak from the corners of his eyes. I want to launch myself into his arms and hold him to me until whatever haunts him releases its grip. “Lucian!” I call sharply. “Wake up!” His head turns toward me, and I see his eyes moving rapidly behind the still-closed lids. “Luc! Look at me!” I hold my breath as his eyes finally flicker open then blink against the glare of the light.
“Lia?” His voice is scratchy and strained, but I think he sees me. Before I can move to approach him, he springs from the bed and hurls toward the bathroom. I’m still trying to process his sudden movements when I hear the distinctive sounds of him being sick. I want to go and take care of him as he has done for me in the past, but I know how raw he is after one of these dreams, especially when I witness them. I force myself to stay where I am and take my cues from him.
After a few more minutes, I hear the toilet flush and then him brushing his teeth. There is dead silence afterwards until he finally walks back into the bedroom with his eyes carefully averted. I go to him, putting my hand on his arm. He has always worried about hurting me during one of his nightmares so I’m quick to reassure him. “Luc, I’m fine. I stayed back until you awoke. I’m worried about you, though. Do you…want to talk?” I see the shutters click tightly over his beautiful eyes as he moves restlessly on his feet. I’m surprised when he pulls me into his arms instead of walking away immediately.
“I’m sorry, baby,” he murmurs against my temple. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“Luc, I’m fine,” I attempt to comfort him. I kiss his throat and nestle into his embrace. “Please talk to me. Maybe it would stop if you told someone about it.”
He’s quiet for so long I think he’s going to ignore my comment before he finally says, “I can’t tonight. I’m too close to the edge. Just…give me some time, and I’ll try—for you.”
“I love you,” I say softly, thinking that even if he can’t give me the words back, he might need to hear them right now.
“Oh, Lia.” He inhales loudly, shaking for just a moment before pulling away. “I’m going to work in my office for a few hours until I key down. Try to get some sleep and I’ll be back later.” I almost offer to go with him, but I know he doesn’t want that. He needs time alone to sort through the ghosts raging in his head. I’ve been there before, and I understand the urge to run away from it all.
“Okay.” I give him a smile of understanding and let him walk away to deal with his demons. Fighting the things you can’t see or touch are sometimes the battles that wound you the most.
Lucian
I drop my head in my hands as I make it to the sanctuary of my office. My heart is still racing from the dream that seemed so horribly real. I’ve had nightmares for years… since the night Cassie tried to kill me. Tonight, though, it was different. Cassie and Lia had intertwined in the dream, taking even my subconscious by surprise. Before I awoke, Cassie had been stabbing Lia, yelling that I was hers. It had been so fucking real that I was choking on my own bile as I bolted from the bed.
Would I ever be able to get past what happened all those years ago? Just when I think there is a chance of moving on, I’m hit with this. I’m tired of the fucking dreams, and I’m even more tired of worrying about them happening. The stress of it all coupled with my fears for Lia are eating me alive. I don’t even hesitate as I unlock my desk drawer and pull the small bag from inside. If not this, then I’d be walking the floors for hours, trying to get back to level ground. I need it and the sweet oblivion that only it will bring.
Lia thought that talking to her about what had happened could make it better. But how can you tell someone that your pregnant girlfriend had been so twisted that she had literally tried to slit your throat and let you bleed out, while you were inside her? That she had continued to move against you even as she stabbed herself while laughing. The sound of her crazy, fucking cackles would forever haunt me. Maybe even more so because I know deep down that she was paying me back for what I did.
With a shaking hand, I make a less-than-perfect line and take the rolled-up bill to snort it. I’m in the middle of doing the white line when I hear a noise and look up. I freeze in horror as Lia looks at me in shock. I know there is no mistaking what she’s seeing. Maybe…just maybe, if there hadn’t been any cocaine remaining on the mirror in front of me or if the damned rolled bill wasn’t still hovering under my nose, I could explain it away. I wait for her to speak, though, just on the outside chance that she has a different take on what I’m doing.
She drops into a chair in the front of my desk, and I quickly put my drug paraphernalia back in my desk drawer. I have never felt like less of a man than I do right now. To be caught doing something like this because I can’t cope, by the strongest woman I’ve ever known, is humiliating. For the first time since we met, I feel like a complete disappointment to her. The silence in the room is deafening as we both wait for the other to speak. Finally, she says, “I never knew. How long?”
Not bothering to lie, I tell her the truth. “On and off for years.” I don’t add ‘since Cassie’. I know it’s not an excuse. There is never an acceptable reason for using coke.
She looks more curious than anything else when she asks, “Do you even want to stop?”
“Not enough to really try…until you. I never wanted you to know.” When she stands, I think she is walking away in disgust. I’m astonished when she walks toward me instead and pulls my chair back enough to crawl into it with me. She sits sideways in my lap as if seeking comfort. I automatically close my arms around her, breathing in her familiar scent.
“Am I doing this to you, Luc?”
“What?” I take her chin in my hand, bringing her eyes to mine. “No, baby, God no. I’m not proud of it, but as I said, I’ve been using for much longer than I’ve known you. Sometimes weeks pass in between…and sometimes they don’t.”
She puts her small hand over mine, continuing to study me as if she can see into my very soul; sometimes I believe she can. “The dreams seem like they are getting worse. You had stopped having them before my attack.”
“They hadn’t stopped. You knew I was taking something to help me sleep.” When she nods, I continue. “It wasn’t working that great, and I had a few that didn’t wake you. Therefore, I did the only thing I knew would keep them at bay. I couldn’t risk hurting you again, baby.” I know it sounds like an excuse, even to my ears, but I would and will do everything I need to do to keep her safe, even if it’s from me.
“We’ve been quietly falling apart,” she says softly as she threads her fingers between mine. I panic for a moment, not understanding what she means.
“We’re fine, Lia. Nothing is going to tear us apart. We are always going to be stronger together.”
“That’s not what I meant, Luc. I’m not talking about our relationship coming apart. We are unraveling inside. Our past is festering within each of us, eating away who we are, bit by bit. I’ve been wallowing in self-pity since my attack, and I can’t seem to stop. Everyone tells me I’m so lucky. I’m alive and I wasn’t raped. I’m a survivor. I lived to tell the tale. What they don’t seem to understand, though, is that those words describe my life, not just one incident. I keep getting up, brushing myself off, and trying to move forward. I’m the fucking queen of making lemonade out of lemons, Luc. But each time, I keep wondering what’s going to happen to me when I finally just don’t get up. Was I doomed to be just a sad statistic from the moment I was born?”
Her gut-wrenching words hit me hard. In our time together and all of our conversations, this is the most defeated I’ve ever heard her sound. As strong as she is, she can’t save me and I can’t save her as the damaged man I am. If I wanted to continue on the self-destructive path I’ve been on, I should have walked away from her in the beginning. Now, it’s too late. She is the very air I breathe, and even if I cannot say the words, I acknowledge to myself for the first time that I am hopelessly in love with her. Maybe if we had each lived normal lives with no past traumas, our draw toward each other wouldn’t have been as strong. In an alternative life, she would have grown up as Lee Jacks’ daughter with a wealth to match or exceed my own. Would any of that have made a difference to either of us the first time we looked into each other’s eyes? I have to believe that my soul would have still recognized hers, no matter what our circumstances were at the time of our paths crossing.
I lower my mouth to hers, kissing her with all the pent-up emotion I feel when she is near. “You were born to be the beautiful, vibrant, intelligent, and courageous woman you are today,” I say as I nuzzle against her soft cheek. “Every hardship you have endured has added another dimension to the person you are. There is nothing lucky in having to survive repeated attacks. Luck has had no place in your life, baby. You have made it this far because you refused to let them win. No matter how much they tried, you bested them. They never broke you, or you wouldn’t be here now.” Lowering my hand to her heart, I add, “You’ll never be a sad statistic because this will never let you.” I feel her crying softly against me, and I let her get it out as I stroke her hair. She needs the release. When her tears have quieted, I can literally feel the air charge as she gathers herself from the abyss she has been in. Her strength is beginning to return, and I wonder if she realizes that it never really left.
“I need to know about Cassie. Not tonight, because I don’t think either of us can handle it, but soon. She is still ripping you apart and you can’t move on, which means neither can I, until you face it. Can you do that? Can you promise to trust me with your past?”
“Yes,” I answer without hesitation. She is right; the time for secrets is rapidly ending. Not only does she need to know about Cassie, but she also needs to know about Lee Jacks…her father. The cocoon we’ve built around ourselves during the last few months is imploding, and I can only hope with everything I am that she’ll still be here in the end as the people from our pasts rise up to tear us apart. “Let’s go back to bed,” I say, knowing we are both exhausted enough to sleep through any night terrors that try to plague our dreams.