No one knows what it’s like to wait when you have an addiction—unless they’re an addict. Only someone in the same position as I was could understand what it felt like to have their life ripped apart and not even be able to have a drink to temporarily make it go away.

I’d never been so happy, sad, or frustrated since I’d met Maggie, but she had definitely saved me. She was my angel on Earth and made me a much better version compared to the man I used to be before I knew her.

She surprised the Hell out of me when she told me she was pregnant, and I think she surprised herself as well. As far as I was concerned it was a very happy accident. My chest tightened with excitement, like my heart was a beat away from bursting out of my chest and it was a different feeling from the suffocating way my chest tightened when I heard I was forbidden to see my son.

Happiness was within my grasp, I could feel it, the only downside was how everything hinged on two women from Child Welfare Services who only really knew what I told them and the reports they’d read.

During their assessment, I prayed harder than I had ever prayed in my life, in the hope that the authorities would sanction our home as the best place for Molly to live. If they’d decided it wasn’t I figured I’d lose Maggie in a heartbeat. Molly came first… as she should.

In the meantime, Maggie drove Molly to school while I stayed home and tried to occupy my time by writing some new material. That was the one good thing to come out of this so far, the songs I’d written since I’d known Maggie contained a level of angst I’d never produced before. Writing was the only activity that kept me sane when she was out during the day.

Night after night Maggie came home and I waited expectantly thinking that day was the day she’d have the answer we needed to crack on and make our family plans, but each time she came back and shook her head it lowered my mood.

For most of the time I kept it together for all our sakes and I had no choice to do anything else. No matter how strong the craving got to drive to the nearest liquor store and buy the largest bottle of bourbon I never let it get the better of me. Anxiety almost ate me alive, but I was determined I’d never sink that low again, no matter what. Even without Maggie and Molly, I still had Rudi as the focus for my continued sobriety.

Eleven days after the third visit by Clara and Jean to our home my cell rang. Clara told me she was coming over, and that in itself was unusual because they’d already told us the deal was for them to make unannounced visits. My defenses rose and I wondered if she’d found something that made the rest of their reports null and void as to giving us permission as a family.

A sick feeling settled in the pit of my stomach and I can’t describe the feeling of impending doom that washed over me. Announcing her visit made me an emotional wreck and brought me close to tears because the right answer meant so much.

Before I suffered from depression I’d never felt the impact of someone saying no to me. It happened in life and there was usually a reason for it. That was until I heard the word no in relation to Rudi… and there was no valid reason for that.

For a moment I considered calling Maggie to tell her what was going on, but I decided against it because I didn’t want to worry her. It wasn’t good to be anxious in her condition, and it wouldn’t have changed the outcome if she knew, so I decided to brave it out on my own and tell her when there was the whole story to tell.

It was almost a whole hour later that the buzzer on the gates alerted me to her arrival. I let her in and waited nervously as she drove up to my door. My palms were sweaty, and my nerves jangled inside. It was a familiar feeling like I had a hangover and the only thing that would fix it was if she told me everything was going to be okay.

Clara was looking at her feet when I opened the door and I immediately thought she’d brought me bad news, but then her head snapped up and she looked directly at me then flashed me a beaming smile.

“Afternoon, Noah. Thank you for seeing me,” she said in a cheerful voice as she stepped over the threshold without waiting for an invitation. I closed the door slowly watching for signs of what her visit meant, but I couldn’t read her.

“I guess you’re wondering why I’m here?” she said pulling her driving gloves off one finger at a time before she placed them on the countertop in the kitchen we’d entered. Sitting down on one of the breakfast bar chairs, she smiled again.

“We had a team meeting this morning where we discussed your case and I wanted to come over personally to deliver our findings.” A shock jolted my heart, temporarily stunning me, before it raced to the point where I felt electrical aftereffects tingling in my mouth. I swallowed roughly and leaned back to grab a stool from the breakfast bar while retaining eye contact with her and slid myself on it slowly.

“And?” I asked as I tried to keep the hostility out of my voice.

“Noah, I had a gut feeling the first time I met you, but we had to follow all the processes to protect everyone. You’re no more a risk to Molly than I am. I’ve looked over the court papers from your assault and in my opinion, you’ve been badly advised by your legal team. There were several processes that weren’t followed, in particular a home study assessment where your environment, interaction with the child and your ability to parent were omitted entirely. I’ve made my findings and we’ve recommended this case be closed. I wish you, Maggie, and Molly, a great future together.”

For a few seconds I felt numb then a rush of overwhelming feelings swamped me. A large lump grew rapidly in my throat and tears welled in my eyes despite my best efforts to hang in there with my emotions until she’d gone.

I felt it was high time I had a reprieve from the worries that plagued my crazy life. Inappropriate or not I grabbed her off her stool and swung her around in a huge circle. If I could have bottled the stunned look she gave me, I’d have made a fortune from it at horror events.

“Seriously? I may get access to Rudi?” My voice was gruff with emotion. I set her back on her feet and I ran my hands through my hair in disbelief as I continually swallowed back the tears that burned in my throat.

“Obviously that isn’t my decision. The family judge reading your appeal would decide on that.” I felt as if my guts were going to burst out of my belly with excitement. It was the news I’d prayed for but never thought would ever come. Clara smiled widely and looked shocked that my reaction was as strong as it was. I guessed she still had remnants of issues from the public perception of me.

I was long overdue a little sweetness in my life and I made a defining decision then and there. I was done doing what everyone else expected me to do. If I got a second chance to be part of Rudi’s life, then Maggie and I would be extremely busy and as far as I was concerned music took second place to spending time with those who mattered the most to me.

Clara wished me luck as she packed her paperwork back into her briefcase, left me a file around five inches thick to read, and extended a hand to me. “I’d just like to say you’re one Hell of an actor, Noah. You’re nothing like that asshole you are on TV.”

I chuckled and led her to the door.

“Let me know if I can help when you submit your paperwork regarding your son, or if you and Maggie do decide to adopt Molly.”

“Decision has already been decided as of today. It’s time that little girl truly belonged to someone again.”

“You’re a good man, but don’t worry I won’t tell anyone. My client’s information is confidential” she commented with a small chuckle.

“So I’ve been told many times by my beautiful woman.”

“She’s a good judge of character,” Clara said, pressing the fob to unlock her car door.

“Or she’s insane. Either way, I think I’ll keep her.”

Clara laughed, opened the car door, and slid behind the wheel.

“The driver’s door window glided into the metal as it opened, and she turned again to look at me. “As I’m not directly involved with your case anymore I’m sure I could persuade my manager to let me accept an invitation to the wedding,” she teased, then headed down the driveway. I chuckled softly, but she gave me something else to think about.

When I stepped back inside the house I checked the time on my wristwatch and noticed it was lunchtime at Maggie’s school. I was excited to call her and ran to grab my cell from the kitchen. When I called her phone, Maggie picked up on the first ring.

“That was spooky, I was just about to call you,” she said sounding playful.

“Telepathy, baby. We’re connected on another level.”

“Or you knew it was my lunchtime,” she said with a smile in her voice.

“Or that,” I replied chuckling, “I know you said no calls during the school day; however, I have something you may want to hear.”

“All right, get on with it then,” she teased.

“I’ve just spent the last hour at home with a lone female… Clara.”

“And?” Maggie’s prompt sounded urgent.

“And… case closed. I’m apparently no threat to Molly… unless Clara is, because she said, ‘I was no more of a risk to Molly than she was’.”

“Oh! Thank God.” The relief was clear in her voice.

“There’s something else. After reviewing all the paperwork from the trial her team believed I was poorly advised… and she reckons I could file an appeal petition to get access to Rudi.”

“Oh, Noah. I’m so happy for you,” she said. She sounded relieved which was a great sign for how she’d be if Rudi came into our family.

“For us… all of us. We can be a family, Maggie. No more shit from anyone. Will you let me adopt Molly with you?” Maggie fell quiet for a few moments then she replied. Her hesitancy stung, but I understood she was part of Shona and that made me less impatient.

“Can we discuss this at home, Noah? Right now on the phone, isn’t the time.”

“Sure. I’ll order in tonight, see you at 4:30 pm.”

* * *

Adoption was a big commitment. I knew that. It was a ‘rest of your life’ commitment, but I was ready. Before that, I set about figuring out a bulletproof master plan to get someone to grant me permission to build a relationship with my son.

For the rest of that afternoon I trawled Google for a kick ass Family Law firm and after a couple of duds, I found Lester Crossly, an attorney with thirty years of experience under his belt.

Within five minutes of getting to talk to the man he’d cut through the bullshit and advised me of the processes I had to follow. Clara had left me copies of the paperwork from Molly’s investigation, so I sent Eamon straight over with those and had Annalise chase the guys in legal who held all the relevant documents from the court case and restraining order.

I was relieved when Lester advised me Maggie and I wouldn’t have to have another home study report as it was only completed the day before and then advised me of his intention to file the petition as soon as he and his juniors had sifted through the paperwork. By the time I closed the call out I felt like Hell had frozen over and I had finally caught a break. Now all I have to do is convince Maggie about Molly.

From how she avoided the subject the last time I brought it up, I knew Maggie needed a little persuasion to see the benefits of adopting Molly… and I got that. She was sole guardian and it was a huge decision to trust someone else with that role.

I explained I understood her reserve and how difficult it was for her to put that much trust in me. She hugged me. Then I asked her to think about Molly’s sense of belonging now that we were about to have a child between us and Rudi may come back into the frame. I watched the dilemma and confusion in her eyes clear as she considered my explanation.

Everything I had said was true, but the real reason was I had grown to love Molly as if she were my own.

“You’re right.” She stated after a while and my heart pounded in my chest with excitement when she agreed.

“I’m always right… what am I right about now?” I teased, lightening the heavy atmosphere.

“Molly deserves a Mom and Dad.”

“Didn’t we get to this point before and then… nothing?”

“No… I mean yes we did, but with all the intrusion I guess I got a little worried if their decision went the other way… that, and I felt Shona was barely in the ground.”

I nodded with a serious expression on my face, and looked for any doubt in her expression. I found none. “You’re sure?”

“I am. She’ll be excited.”

“I know, but we won’t tell her until it is absolutely certain it is going to happen.”

“Agreed,” I replied and pulled Maggie into my chest. I wrapped my arms tightly around her and kissed her cheek. “We’re finally free to do what we want and I’m definitely gonna pull out that fuck you ticket whenever the occasion demands it,” I mumbled then kissed her slow and tenderly.

Breaking the kiss, I leaned away and asked, “One more thing… have you given any thought to quitting your job? I’d prefer you to be here with the kids rather than a nanny. It’s important to Molly’s recovery. I’m up for the challenge of course and I’m not being sexist, but you’ll be home for at least a year either way once you have the baby. And I don’t want you under any pressure while you are carrying our baby and getting to know him after the birth.”

“Him? You think?”

“My family only do boys. Check out my mom and dad. Six boys. Not a hairclip in sight.”

“And mine only do girls… we’ll see,” she replied with a smirk. “As for my work, I love my independence. I hate my job and I wouldn’t miss the politics of it for sure, but I love the kids. Let me think on it. I have a while yet before I have to decide what I want to do.”

That fiercely independent streak in Maggie told me not to push—she would do exactly what she wanted. I knew subtle persuasion would be my only tool to convince her to be a stay-at-home mom. It was a little selfish of me, but I didn’t want her to be too tired to give us some time as well and working full time with a family would eat into that time.

We’d been living in a bubble since she’d moved in with me. Our extended hiatus due to Vinny being in rehab had helped us stay out of the public eye. I was surprised my rant at Molly’s school never made the press, but I guess my words about supporting Maggie had struck a chord with the people that were there.

It was never far from my mind that Maggie had only had the slightest taste of what the media could do, and I had tried my best to protect her from all the fake news that got published. Trust was the most important thing for dealing with that. As for the crazy assed fans Fr8Load had out there, what they were capable of was anyone’s guess.