Nothing could have prepared me for the difficult onslaught of media news that followed baby George’s birth. Noah was worried for our security for a while because some of his fans hadn’t taken the news too well. The press coverage was relentless and by the time we went back home I had a much better understanding of how difficult our lives could be because he was famous.

Annalise kept Noah up to date with the news. When I heard some of the things they were saying I got quite distressed. They had once again implied our relationship had begun when I went to recover Shona’s body from Australia.

Many hurtful untruths had been written and after several bouts of tears I decided I didn’t want to know what was being reported anymore, preferring to live in blissful ignorance and focus on my children. I figured Noah had the right idea when he told me to ignore them and eventually they’d target their attention on someone else.

Instead of dwelling on the thing I couldn’t change, I threw myself into a life of domesticity and insisted that Noah went back into the recording studio. He hated the thought of leaving us but reluctantly agreed when the producers they’d hired became tired of all the delays and threatened to walk away. Therefore, when George was only six days old, his dad kissed his head, pouted at having to leave us behind, and headed off to work.

My life was a little isolated living the way Noah had to and because I hadn’t cultivated friends for quite a long time due to keeping Shona, Molly and myself afloat, my only source of company most days was Kathleen. Apart from one of my work colleagues, Gill, I’d hadn’t invited anyone over to my home before I lived with Noah and she was the only person I spoke to regularly. I had just finished making a note to myself to call her that evening when Annalise called my cell phone.

“Hi, Maggie. I couldn’t get hold of Noah because he’s in session in the studio right now. This can’t wait so I’m bringing it to you. Do you know a friend of Shona’s called Vivian Reed?” I racked my brain and came up with nothing.

“Can’t say that I do, why?”

“There was a call from a reporter trying to verify a connection between her and Shona. These people have no decorum at all. From his account she’s a hippy type who’s been hiking in Tibet and Nepal for a number of years. Anyway, she read the papers and contacted this reporter after reading about you and Noah. It appears she has some sensational exclusive, and he’s trying to verify it through people who know you. Sounds like there’s no love lost between him and Noah and he took delight in saying if what the girl told him was true then it would rock Noah to the core.”

My first thoughts were that there was another baby somewhere. I wasn’t sure if my heart would have been able to handle that. It didn’t matter how strong we were together, Annalise’s call set alarm bells ringing in my head as small seeds of doubt about what Vivian Reed knew still managed to creep in. What does a rock star what do they do when no one else is around? Who have they known? God alone knew what secrets Noah may have in his past. I shook the thought away and cursed myself for even thinking that way of him. The man I had given a son to had done me no wrong… and as far as I knew he never would.

Before I hung up, I asked Annalise to message Noah and forewarn him, then I closed the call out and went upstairs to breastfeed George. My cell rang again less than half an hour later and it was Gill, which was weird given that I had been thinking about her that day. I almost ignored to concentrate on George but after the call with Annalise a nagging doubt made me pick up.

“Thank goodness I caught you, Maggie. I’m sorry to disturb you but I think there’s something you’ll want to hear from someone you know and not hear it for the first time in the press. I rolled my eyes at her dramatic tone and wondered what she could possibly know that would make me anything other than angry that the media were involved again. It’s probably another fabricated bullshit story.

“Fire away, let’s hear it,” I replied, placing her on speakerphone as I adjusted George from one breast to the other.

“I have no idea how to make this less worse than it sounds so I’m just going to say it. I’m not saying it’s true I’m only—”

“I get it. I won’t shoot the messenger, Gill, tell me.”

“So… a reporter showed up here this morning… right before school began. He asked me if I was an ex-colleague of yours and I could hardly say no because—”

“For Heaven’s sake, Gill, just get to the story,” I barked from my frustration and the anxiety building.

“He had a picture of your sister and another girl and asked me to point Shona out.”

“And it was her… in the picture I mean?”

“It was, and it looked like she was backstage at a Fr8Load concert. I could make out Noah and that other one… George is it?... from the band. In the picture they were a lot younger than they are now, and they were holding up beers like they were saluting your sister and her friend with their tongues stuck out in a crude gesture around the bottles behind the girls’ backs.”

My heart almost stopped. Pain shot through me as it struggled to find its rhythm, and it took me a moment to gather my thoughts. Has Noah been lying to me all this time? Did he know Shona?

“And you’re sure it was Shona?” I asked even though I knew if Gill was calling me she had no doubts that it was. Disbelief and dismay kept me still in my chair as I listened to my workmate’s confirmation.

“Yes. Remember that silly phase she went through when she dyed that beautiful long blonde hair black on top and purple at the ends?”

It was exactly how Shona’s hair was during the period when she disappeared to go to his concerts. But none of it made sense because I felt sure Shona wouldn’t have been able to contain herself from telling me if she had met Noah.

“Did you tell him it was her?”

“Of course I didn’t. What kind of friend would that make me? Although, I think it’s only a matter of time before he confirms it. Perhaps you should speak to Noah about it because I don’t think this guy is going to go away empty handed.”

I thanked her for her friendship and the heads up, concluded the call, then looked at my son and my heart sunk to my belly. Thinking Noah had been with Shona and then with me made me feel sick.

The family we’d made between us was already unconventional. By this time, it had been over a year since Shona’s death and in that time my life as I knew it wasn’t in any way recognizable from the one that I’d had.

* * *

An hour passed, and Noah came rushing into the house calling out for me. The urgency in his voice made me jump and filled me with a sense of foreboding. I had been lying on our bed resting because George wasn’t even a week old and I already felt drained and wondered if I had the strength to deal with any more distressing news.

“Maggie, Maggie! Where are you, honey?” he shouted, his urgent voice gave away his excitement.

“Up here. What’s wrong?” I asked from the top of the stairs and began to walk down toward him. Kathleen came around the corner from her room to check that everything was okay.

Noah rushed toward me and scooped me into his arms. “Through here, I have something to tell you,” he said, placing a hand around my waist when I reached the bottom step and ushered me into the den. “Sit here,” he ordered and instead of sitting beside me he wandered in a circle before turning sharply to look at me.

“I didn’t want to spoil your week any further but the day after George was born I had a call to say my court hearing about Molly had been moved up. Lester, the guy who’s been working on my appeal for Rudi handed over the revised files for the judge to read… Never mind,” he said changing tack. “I went to present my case to the judge with him today and he’s overturned my restraining order. It won’t be renewed and I’m going to begin visitation with Rudi as soon as the welfare key worker has prepared him.”

Noah stood with his wide arms open with delight as he radiated pure joy at the judge’s decision. I was both relieved for him and wanted to know about the decision regarding Molly. I stood up and walked into his arms and he wrapped them firmly around me and picked me up off the floor. “I’m so happy,” he admitted.

“What about Molly?”

Noah slid me down his body and I swear the light in his eyes dimmed. “Instead of a restraining order there is a supervision order. It stays in place for three months for the welfare department to monitor the contact between me and Rudi. Until that’s dispensed with, the judge thinks it reasonable to wait until I’ve settled Rudi into a routine without taking on another child.”

“Taking on another child? She fucking lives here, Noah,” I shrieked, angry with the stupidity of that decision. “What part of that doesn’t he understand? How do you think his caution is going to go down with Molly? The poor kid asks every day if you’re her dad yet. No offense… and this is going to sound selfish, but I need look out for Molly. Rudi isn’t setting foot in our home until Molly’s adoption is resolved.”

“Are you serious? You know I’ve been tortured for years about this. And now that I have a chance to be a father to my own child you’re telling me he’s not welcome here? Fuck you, Maggie. This is my son. My son. My flesh and blood.”

“As is George and you’re really quick to discard Molly, who isn’t flesh and blood, in favor of Rudi.”

“That’s below the belt, Maggie.”

“Is it?”

“I didn’t make the fucking rules. But I have to follow them.”

“Then it’ll be a first,” I snapped. It was the biggest argument we’d had in our whole time together, but there was no competition who’s corner I was in. Molly had one advocate in her life and that was me.

Noah scowled darkly and turned on his heel. “No woman tells me I can’t have a relationship with my child. No one. I love Molly like she is my own. However, she already knows me; Rudi needs that same chance.”

I shook my head and stormed out the room. “Come back here,” he demanded.

“Go to Hell,” I countered. When I reached our bedroom, I banged the door much harder than I intended to and wept. George began to cry, and I opened my door. Kathleen stood hesitantly on the landing.

“It’s okay, Maggie. I’ve got him,” she replied and turned heading quickly into the nursery. Without arguing, I closed my door again and lay on the bed. The day had started out with an air of optimism and Noah and I had been reduced to this, based on the decision of someone who didn’t know any of us.

Noah knew me well enough to give me space. He waited an hour before he came to the bedroom and slowly opened the door. Stepping inside he stood at a distance and ran his hands through his hair. “I’m sorry Maggie. Today is the day I’ve waited almost five long years for. I didn’t handle the way I told you very well downstairs.”

When I didn’t reply he walked over to the bed and sat on the edge facing me. He placed his hand on my hip and rubbed gently on my thigh.

“I love Molly like she’s mine. She already feels like she’s carved from me. Rudi needs to have the same opportunity. Obviously, I felt devastated when the judge put the condition on Molly, but I could see his reasoning. Deep down I think you do too, but you’re right to challenge me the way you did. I wouldn’t expect any less. It tells me that no matter what I say, you will insist I do the right thing for our kids. You ground me and its part of the reason you hold my heart in your hands.”

“You didn’t handle the news badly, Noah; that was a fucking car crash, and I want you to know I’ll fight for Molly to the last. She was here first. Our life as a family started with her. I’ll never allow you to show preference for any child that lives under this roof,” I replied. I was sure he heard the hurt in my response because I saw the way he winced and I forgave what he’d said and how he said it before because I knew he loved Molly and it was said in a moment of desperation to know his son.

“I can’t remember whether it was you or I who said, “Everything will be okay,” that has become my mantra in life. It doesn’t matter who said it, but I need to believe it. We’ve come this far, Maggie, there’s not much further to go. We just have to hang in there a little longer.”

“We have no choice, the judge saw to that,” I replied.

Noah stood and toed off his shoes, shrugged himself out of his jacket and loosened his belt. He pulled it clear of the loops and dropped it on the floor.

“Budge up,” he said, nudging me over to my side of the bed as he lay down beside me. “This week hasn’t turned out anything like we imagined, Maggie. I want to apologize for that. Most new moms get pampered and cosseted but my stupid job has dragged us down. I’m so sorry, honey. When things calm down a little, I’ll make it up to you.” I stared into his serious eyes and had no doubt about how much he loved me. “And I’ll have a Hell of a lot of fun doing it,” he added, and winked when he saw the beginning of my smile.

Our fight had thrown me, and I had forgotten about the calls from Gill and Annalise. I moved with a start and he tensed. “Have you spoken to Annalise this afternoon?”

“No. I was in court remember? Why… something else to piss me off?”

“Maybe,” I said and studied his face carefully for a reaction to what I was about to say.

“Someone has been to a reporter with a sensational exclusive. The reporter called Annalise in his effort to verify the source’s connection to my sister, Shona.”

“What does that have to do with anything? The coroner in Australia closed the case on Shona. There’s nothing to know, honey.”

“That was one of the things I dismissed; however, the same journalist visited my old school and questioned Gill, my ex-colleague, before she went into class. He had a picture of Shona and this girl who’s stirring things up. From the picture, they’re at one of your Fr8Load concerts.”

Noah shrugged, “That isn’t news, they already reported Shona was a fan and went to our gigs.”

“Yeah, according to Gill, my sister and this girl are backstage. You and George are behind them holding up a beer with your tongues hanging out or something, she said it looked crude.”

Noah sat up quickly and swung his legs off the bed, then he turned back to look at me, “You’re saying I met Shona?”

“It’s what the picture implies as far as Gill was concerned. My workmate never confirmed it was Shona to the reporter, but it’s only a matter of time until someone does. Shona didn’t look anything like the photograph the papers ran with when she died. Her ash blonde hair was dyed black, with purple ends, and she used a lot of heavy makeup and kohl eyeliner around her eyes in those days. Plus, she was a lot skinnier before she had Molly.”

“Sweetheart, you’ve described half my female following. You knew what I was like, I won’t deny how I was. However, this girl with the story is probably one of a hundred girls we spoke to during that one particular tour.”

“Don’t say that, Noah. My sister died because she followed you.” It was the first time I sounded like I apportioned blame directly at him.

Noah pushed off the bed, picked his shoe up and threw it at the wall. “What the fuck does a guy have to do to be heard? There were hundreds of women, Maggie. I’m sorry. “Sit back, relax, let me make you feel good,” they’d say, then they’d blow me. I was barely more than a kid, at what… eighteen, nineteen… twenty? What red blooded teenager would have turned that down? Is that what you want to hear? As far as I remember I never met your sister. Maggie, since we’ve been together I’ve been totally faithful to you. Utterly respectful and devoted. A. Good. Man. I don’t know what this picture is or what the fuck she’s doing with it.”

Striding over to the wall he bent down and swiped his shoe from the floor then came back for the other. Anger radiated through him as he pulled them back on. Two outbursts in one day and I wasn’t sure how to handle it, so I cried. It had only been a short time since George had been born and I was tired. Ever since we’d been together, Noah had always been the voice of reason. My rock. I stared like I didn’t know him as he extended his arm to the floor and scooped up his jacket, pulling it on as he went.

“Where are you going?”

“Anywhere away from here because if I don’t, I’m sure you’ll see a side of me you’ll never get past.”

I edged my way off the bed to follow him, but by the time I reached the landing he was already closing the front door. Seconds later I heard the car pulling out of the courtyard and ran back to get my cell.

Suddenly I was afraid. Had I pushed him too far? The state he left the house in could have led him to the nearest bar… and I knew if that happened it would be a game changer for sure. I called Eamon and got no reply. I left a message hoping he was with Noah and he hadn’t gone alone.

My next call was to Steve. He reassured me Noah would have gone to his parent’s place. His bolt-hole sanctuary for the times when he felt at his most vulnerable. It was a coping mechanism that he, his sponsor from alcoholics anonymous, and his family had agreed to.

I was beside myself with worry all evening and if I’m honest a little afraid I had made a mistake living with him. I tried to focus on routine and fed George, then I helped Kathleen with Molly and George’s bedtime routines. All those tasks were performed with one eye on the phone. Molly asked continuously for Noah which wasn’t helpful either, and by the time she settled in bed I was worn smooth. Physically I was still recovering from George’s birth and emotionally, I was drained.

Eventually Eamon rang to tell me Noah was indeed at his parents and although I sighed with relief, I felt furious with him for walking away at a time when I had needed him the most. I was infuriated, sulked because he never called before bed, and I was up most of the night with George who had decided he wanted to eat all night. Finally, at around it 5:00 am I managed to catch some asleep.