CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
AMBER
It was the afternoon of Christmas Eve. Annabelle stopped over for some spiked eggnog before she had to retreat home for family time. Her husband apparently wanted her out of the house anyway so that he could wrap her gift.
She bit into a Christmas star cookie that was decorated with green and red sprinkles and said, “Every time I think your life would make a good book, it just gets better and better. Seriously…can anything else crazy happen this year?”
“Please don’t ask that. The universe is listening and apparently, she fucking hates me.”
“I might have to agree with you.” She laughed. When her smile faded, she asked, “Have you spoken to Channing?”
“We’re supposed to talk later tonight. He’s taking his mother to an early Christmas Eve mass.”
“That’s nice. He’s such a good son.”
“He really is.”
“And Rory? When will you see him?”
“Rory is with his family in Illinois for Christmas Eve. He’s flying back to Boston tomorrow and picking me up. We’re heading to his downstairs neighbor’s place for Christmas drinks. He wants me to meet him, this old man who lives alone. His name is Boris.”
“That’s sweet. You’re not spending the night there, are you?”
“No, of course not. But you seem very panicked about that.”
Annabelle moved to the couch and sat cross-legged. “Well, it’s no secret that I’m Team Channing. Even with Rory’s situation, which believe me, I am extremely sympathetic toward, I’m totally rooting for Channing here.”
“That doesn’t surprise me.”
She sipped her eggnog and seemed to be observing me. “I have to admit…I’m a little concerned about your well-being.”
“You and me both.” I sighed and reached for one of the cookies she’d brought.
“What I mean is…you seem very numb, like you haven’t really even begun to process everything. You’ve avoided talking about how you’re feeling about either one of them. I know it’s complicated, but at some point, you’re going to have to face it, talk about it.”
I was quite aware of the fact that I was in denial. It was intentional because any time I would think about either one of them I’d burst into tears. Denial was my strategy for getting through the day so that I could function for the kids and for Milo. As soon as I stopped denying what was happening, the pain would creep in.
Like now.
“I let that man go back to Chicago without telling him that I loved him because he told me he didn’t want to hear it. There was so much I needed to say to him, and nothing would come out. I’ve been the same way with Rory. He’s been calling me, and I don’t know what to say or do. So, I’ve been bottling everything up. I feel so much for both of them. I love both of them. And I’m hurting for both of them for different reasons. The truth is, I’ve been in denial because this is the most heartache I’ve ever felt in my life. Apparently, love multiplied is nothing but pain. And I’m scared it’s going to kill me.” I let out the longest breath and downed some of the eggnog. It felt like I’d just unloaded a heavy weight off my chest.
“Well, congratulations…in talking about bottling it up, you’ve managed to let some of it out.”
“You tricked me.” I smiled. Closing my eyes, I decided to divulge a little more. “Channing and I had sex right before he left. Like literally seconds before. We hadn’t been sleeping together since the night I went to Rory’s, but we both just lost it at the last moment. It was crazy…and passionate. And it broke my heart, because I also knew a part of him felt like that moment might have been it for us.”
Annabelle looked like she was going to cry. “That’s so sad and romantic at the same time.”
“I miss him so much,” I whispered.
“With each day, as the shock of all of this wears off, you’ll begin to figure it out. You’re going to still love both of them. But your love for one of them will shine a little brighter. And you’ll just know. Your confused state right now is like a giant cloud of smoke. But it’s temporary. When the smoke clears, only one man will be standing there.”
I exhaled. “Yeah.”
“By the way, do you know how lucky you are to have two good men who love you? Some women wait their whole lives just to be loved one time, by one man.”
“Yeah, well, I’d gladly give up this predicament if it meant that someone I love didn’t have to get hurt.”
***
After Annabelle left, it felt strange to be alone on Christmas Eve. This was the first time I’d ever experienced it. I’d always celebrated with either my parents or Rory.
I normally would have been in Chicago, or my folks would have come here, but this was the one year they’d planned a trip to England for the holidays. Of course, I was previously fine with that, thinking that Channing would be here.
Somehow all of the lights in my place were off. So preoccupied, I’d missed sundown altogether, and this was the first instance I became conscious of sitting in the dark.
Walking over to the window, I admired the lights decorating the building across the street. People were rushing down the sidewalk, likely trying to get their last-minute shopping done or in a hurry to make it home to their family parties. My loneliness was starting to feel overwhelming.
When I returned to the couch, I decided to go on Instagram to see if Channing had posted anything. My heart nearly melted upon the sight of a photo of his mother. She had tinsel on her head and was smiling wide. It made me sad that I wasn’t there with them. Channing had edited the photo so that everything was in black and white except for the red tinsel. I knew he was really trying to cherish moments like that with Christine. It was simply beautiful.
After staring through Channing’s older photos for a while, I decided to go down the line of usual people I stalk on IG. One of them was Channing’s ex, Emily. She’d liked one of his posts once, so I kept a note of her profile, which was public. Stalking her was sweet torture.
Tonight, though, I almost wished I hadn’t gone to her page. The most recent post was of a huge Christmas tree that seemed to be in the middle of downtown. Except it wasn’t downtown Boston. It was downtown Chicago.
The caption read: Christmas in Chicago.
Chicago?
She was in Chicago? Her family lived in Massachusetts. Why would she be there if not to visit Channing? My heart was thundering in my chest.
I knew that given the circumstances, it was unfair of me to feel so angry about this, but I couldn’t help it. He was very likely feeling vulnerable right now, and she would be there to take advantage, to lick his wounds—among other things.
Sweat was permeating my body. Channing and I were supposed to talk over the phone at eight, but I didn’t feel I could wait to call him. I felt like I had to know whether she was there with him.
I picked up the phone, and my finger hovered over his name.
No.
No, Amber.
You have no right to push guilt on him. You’ll wait until eight.
The quiet was deafening over the next hour.
When the phone finally rang at eight sharp, I jumped to answer.
“Hello?”
His smooth, deep voice soothed me. “Merry Christmas, beautiful.”
I closed my eyes to cherish the sound. “Merry Christmas.”
“We just got back from church a little while ago. There was a café still open near there, so I took Mom out for hot chocolate, and now we’re back home chilling. I’m making duck with an orange sauce. It’s in the oven for an hour.”
“Of course. Turkey or chicken would be too boring.”
“Damn straight.”
After I let out a shaky breath, he could sense something was bothering me.
“What’s going on, Amber?”
“Is Emily there with you?” I blurted out, “Is she coming over for dinner?”
After some silence, he responded, “No. But she is in Chicago. You knew that?”
“Yes.”
“Are you stalking me, Walton?”
Unsure whether to fess up, I admitted, “I…check her Instagram from time to time. She posted that she was in Chicago.”
He let out a deep breath into the phone. “I honestly didn’t know she was coming here. You remember, she and I have mutual friends. That was how I met her…at their wedding. Shawn and Melanie. They live here. She says they invited her for Christmas.”
“So, you’ve been in touch with her, then. She knew you were back in Chicago?”
“I contacted her before I left Boston. I’d kind of left things a mess with her and felt I should at least have the decency to tell her I was headed home. But she came to see me here yesterday.”
“I see.” I massaged my temples. “What did she say?”
“You really want to know?”
“Yes.” I braced myself.
“She poured her heart out, basically, begged me to give her another chance, tried to fuck me, told me she wouldn’t even go back home to Boston if I asked her to stay right then and there.”
My blood pressure was rising. That was hard to hear—really hard to hear. I hadn’t felt this level of jealousy in my entire life.
When I didn’t say anything, he chimed in, “You asked, Amber. I’m just telling you the truth.” He sighed. “Nothing happened, okay?”
“What did you tell her?”
“I told her the truth about you and that I was in limbo. I suggested that she move on from the idea of us because I couldn’t give her anything right now.”
Right now.
My feelings morphed from jealousy to guilt. What if I couldn’t leave Rory behind, was stringing Channing along, and ended up keeping Channing from a good, healthy relationship?
“Can I ask you something, Channing?”
“Yes.”
“Do you think you would be with her if this whole thing with me wasn’t happening?”
He paused then said, “I probably would, but that’s irrelevant. With Emily, it was always infatuation. With you, it’s different. What we have feels…soul crushing.” His tone turned angry. “And by the way, if you think I could be moving on with someone else so quickly right now, clearly you didn’t hear one goddamn word I said before I left. And that worries me. It makes me feel like you don’t really believe any of it. You have this idea in your head that I’m out with Emily, and meanwhile, I’m home on Christmas Eve, miserable and missing you…just wishing you were here so badly.”
I felt like an asshole. “I miss you, too…so much.”
Neither of us said anything for about a full minute until he asked, “Have you seen him?”
“No. I’m seeing him tomorrow for Christmas drinks at his neighbor’s place. It will be the first time I’ve seen him since before you left.”
Channing’s breathing got heavier. “I really thought I could fucking handle this. The truth is, I’m not doing a very good job.”
“Who could possibly handle this well?”
He surprised me when he said, “I need to see you.”
“How?”
“Skype. Can you do it?”
“Yeah, of course. Let me just log in. My username is Amber Walton Double Zero Eight. I’ll add you. Call me when you’re ready.”
We hung up, and I set up my computer on the coffee table.
A few minutes later, it started ringing. Butterflies swarmed in my belly as I prepared to see him. When he appeared on screen, I was reminded of how beautiful he is. I smiled to see that Channing was actually wearing a Christmas sweater. Even though it had only been a few days, his hair looked longer. He also hadn’t shaved.
“Nice sweater.”
“Are you being facetious?”
“Only you could look like an absolute god in a Christmas sweater with cats on it.”
“My mother bought it. It’s an ode to Kitty. I felt like I had to wear it.”
“It looks good on you.”
“You look beautiful,” he said.
“I’m wearing sweats.”
“Doesn’t matter. You’re beautiful, Amber.”
Channing was just staring at me, and I felt compelled to say some of the things I’d been saying to him in my head all night long.
“The other night before you left, you really opened your heart to me. I stood there like an idiot, frozen, unable to reciprocate. The truth is, I was a fool for letting you get on that plane without saying something—anything—to let you know how much I…” I hesitated. He told me not to use the word love while we were in this limbo. I needed to honor his wishes. I continued, “How much I care about you. I don’t even know where to begin. You blew into my life like a storm. I was so depressed and hopeless. You saved me with your light, with your laughter, with your positive point of view. Before you moved in, I had such preconceived notions about the type of person you’d become over the years. And I was wrong. You shot those down from the very first night when you listened so patiently to me. I’d never smiled so much in my life. I know you say we only had a few months together, but it truly felt like much longer. You saved me from making one of the biggest mistakes of my life leading up to that night at The Peabody, and in turn, you opened a door for us that I never dreamt was possible. I never imagined that you could love me. The idea of that is still so new. But I feel like the luckiest girl in the world that you do.”
A long moment of silence passed where I just listened to him breathe. “This is hard,” he finally said.
I spoke through my tears, “I know.”
“It’s Christmas. Don’t cry,” he said.
There was a knock at the door.
“That’s strange. Hang on. Someone’s at the door.”
“Make sure you look through the peephole.”
There was no one there, but there was a box at my feet.
A delivery on Christmas Eve?
I carried it inside and returned to the computer.
“Who was it?”
“No one. There was this box.”
“Who’s it from?”
“I don’t know. It’s not labeled.”
“Open it.” The slight smirk on his face made me think he had something to do with it.
“Channing, what are you up to? What’s inside the box?”
His blue eyes sparkled through the screen. “Merry Christmas.”
“How did you manage this?”
“I have elves.”
“Really…”
As if he hadn’t already given me enough with his patience and understanding over the Rory situation, he’d gotten me a present? I felt terrible because I hadn’t gotten him anything. I just didn’t feel deserving of any of this.
“So…open it. Actually, open everything but the small, flat one.”
The box was filled with various individually wrapped gifts. I opened them one by one: Christmas flannel pajamas, a hot cocoa kit, a stuffed white kitten, and a new Kindle. I finally knew what I was doing tonight.
“You shouldn’t be alone tonight. I was thinking those things could help.”
“I absolutely love them.” Cradling the stuffed animal, I said, “Especially my own version of Kitty.”
He smiled. “Put the pajamas on. I want to see you in them.”
“Okay.”
Taking my time, I lifted off my shirt. As I slipped off my bra, Channing’s eyes focused on my breasts. Desire pooled between my legs. I would have given anything for him to be here right now, to feel his scruffy beard on my skin.
Once I had the pajamas on, I said, “These are so comfy, thank you.”
“Okay, open the last thing.”
After removing the wrapping, I began to open the flat, black box. Inside was a thin strand of authentic pearls.
“Oh, my God. A pearl necklace.” Then, I started to laugh because I realized why he’d chosen this.
“Not the kind I wish I could give you tonight. But I figured you deserved a real one, unlike the one that dude online and myself would like to give you.”
“An actual one!” Running my fingers along the smooth beads before putting it on, I said, “This is so beautiful. I’ve never actually owned pearls.”
“I thought it would look nice around your delicate neck. Anyway, I have one more small thing for you. I’m emailing it to you tomorrow. I’m not finished with it.”
Feeling ashamed, I said, “You’ve gotten me multiple gifts, and I didn’t get you anything.”
“You can make it up to me another time.”
“I need to do something for you tonight. It’s Christmas.” Something occurred to me. The one thing I could give him right now. “Are you alone?”
“Mom’s taking a nap, so yeah.”
“Why don’t you sit back…”
“What do you have in mind?”
“There’s not much I can do from here,” I said as I began unbuttoning the flannel pajama top. My nipples stiffened as they hit the air.
The room was completely still as Channing stayed quietly focused on me. He wasn’t smiling or laughing. He was transfixed, his eyes growing hazy and filling with need by the second.
His tone was demanding. “Take everything off but the necklace, and take me to your room.”
I did as he said, carrying my laptop to my bedroom.
Once situated on my bed and fully naked, I fiddled with the pearls and asked, “Tell me what you want.”
“I want to watch you make yourself come.”
He’d unzipped his jeans. The tip of his hard cock was sticking out of the top of his boxer briefs.
I positioned the computer in a way that he could see my entire body. Bending my head back, I started to masturbate. There was nothing sexier than the sounds of his moans as he began to jerk himself off while watching me.
Gyrating my hips and curling my toes, I kept circling my swollen clit. I’d never done anything like this before and wondered why it had taken me so long. The need was so much more intense when distance was put between us.
My orgasm rolled through me fast and furiously. Channing groaned out in pleasure. Peeking at the screen through my legs, I could see his fist pumping his engorged cock as cum spurted out. That was an amazingly erotic sight.
When he finally stopped, his head stayed back. His shoulders were rising and falling. He was quiet for a while then wiped his eyes with his sleeve. When his eyes finally met mine again, they were red.
Holy shit.
I took my finger to the screen and traced it along his face. “Are you crying?”
He sniffled and shook his head as if mad at himself. “I just got a little emotional. Can’t say that’s ever happened to me while jerking off before.”
The fact that I couldn’t hold him, couldn’t comfort him was pure torture.
His voice was hoarse. “I’m trying so fucking hard.”
We stared at each other for a while. He’d told me he loved me several times. But I think this was the first moment that it actually had sunk in. This man really loved me. I saw it more clearly than ever. Seeing the tears he was trying to fight, the emotions that a simple sexual act could ignite, I knew. Channing was scared to lose me. He’d been acting calm and controlled and trying to give me space, but he was really hurting.
Any shred of doubt I had about his feelings for me was obliterated in that moment.
***
Later that night, I was sitting alone in my new flannel pajamas drinking the cocoa he’d sent me with a big peppermint stick inside the mug when a text came in.
Channing: You sleigh me.
Holding the phone to my chest, I smiled so hard. Sleigh not slay—for Christmas. My fingers hovered over the keys, wanting so badly to type those three words: I love you. But I promised him I wouldn’t say them unless I was his. That rule extended to text messaging, too. I certainly felt like I belonged to him tonight, but Rory was still in the picture, wasn’t he? It wouldn’t have been fair to go against Channing’s wishes.
How do you tell someone you love them without actually saying it? Ultimately, I couldn’t put into words what I felt—especially with that limitation. So, I opted for a simple response and hoped he could read between the lines.
Amber: You sleigh me, too. So much.