CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
CHANNING
Staring at the clock wasn’t helping. That didn’t stop me from checking it every two minutes in the hopes that it somehow made her walk through the door sooner.
I’d always known this day would come, that he’d return and try to get her back. It was never a matter of if…but when.
And since when did Rory look like that? When we were friends, he had no facial hair and never worked out. Now, he looked like goddamn Charlie Hunnam.
My mother entered the room. “Channing, tell me what’s going on tonight. I’m very confused.”
“You and me both.”
The last thing I really wanted to do was talk about this situation with my mom. But I also realized that her mind was deteriorating. How much longer would I have her around to vent to? I would regret not talking to her more while I could. That understanding made me feel obligated to open up to her now, even if it was a little uncomfortable for me.
“I know you sleep with her, but do you love Amber?”
I’d told Amber earlier tonight that I was falling in love with her. The truth was, I knew in my heart that there was no falling happening; I’d already fallen—and I couldn’t fucking get up. She was the only woman I’d ever truly fallen in love with.
“I really do love her, yes, Mom.”
My mother looked so happy to hear me say that. “Oh, Channing…I wasn’t sure if I’d ever see the day.”
“Neither was I.”
“You never brought girls home to meet me. I just always assumed that would be the way it was, that you’d never settle down with anyone.”
“Yeah, well, it still may not happen for me—at least not with Amber.”
“Why do you say that?”
“She and Rory were together for nine years. He has a very big leg up on me. She was devastated when he broke up with her. Amber was really in love with him.”
Was…or is?
“You’ve cared about her for a long time—since you were a teenager.”
That comment caught me off guard.
How would she have known that?
“How do you know that?”
“A mother can tell. She was a good friend to your sister, and to you, for many years. I watched you interact with her back then. You were always attentive to everything she would say. Your smile would linger for longer than normal when she was around. Little things like that. There was definitely a connection. I could tell there was something there. She’s not just some girl. You two have a history, as well. Don’t discount that.”
It surprised me that she’d picked up on that back then.
My negative mind was kicking into full gear. “Okay…but Rory and Amber have a deeper history and years of memories. We’ve only been romantically involved for a couple of months.”
“I understand what you’re doing. You’re trying to prepare yourself just in case so that you don’t get hurt. You’ve suffered a lot of loss in your life. Between your father leaving us and Lainey…we’re used to being left behind, aren’t we? That doesn’t mean it will always be that way.”
This moment with my mother was a gift. The day would come when I would lose her, too. It was coming faster than I could handle. But she was here now. And even though there were many moments of confusion, I had to appreciate that there were still moments like this, ones of complete clarity. This one came when I really needed it.
She continued, “Don’t be so quick to assume that she’ll pick quantity over quality. I see the way she looks at you. And I’m not talking about the lustful way most women look at you—even some of my old bag friends who should be ashamed, quite honestly. With Amber, it’s different. Her face just lights up when you walk in the room. She admires you. She sees beyond the surface. There is no greater joy for a mother than to know that there’s a woman out there who looks at her son like that, who appreciates him inside and out.”
“I see that, too. I love the way she looks at me.”
“And if this doesn’t work out…if she chooses him over you, don’t take that to mean that you don’t deserve love. The right person will be out there for you. But I do hope Amber’s the one, because she’s wonderful. I’ve always felt that way about her. She’s the perfect complementary calm to my fiery boy.”
It felt great to open up, like a weight had been lifted off of my chest. It made me realize I hadn’t spoken about Amber to anyone. I always kept my private life private, especially with co-workers. But sometimes, you just need to talk it out.
“I never told you this, Mom, but I met a girl last year. Her name is Emily. She was honestly the first girl I was ready to hang things up for. Anyway, to make a long story short, she ended up going back with her ex-boyfriend. I was pretty hurt. She’s since broken up with him and tried to reconnect with me again. She lives here in Massachusetts.”
“Oh, wow.”
“Yeah…anyway, I really had it bad for her at one time. But when I met up with her again here…it just didn’t feel the same. That was kind of what helped me realize I’d fallen hard for Amber. I just hope that little mini-heartbreak with Emily wasn’t just practice for the big one.”
I was looking at my mother, waiting for more wise words of advice. Instead, she closed her eyes.
A full minute passed before she opened them. Then, she stared at me blankly. “What were we talking about?”
I could feel my eyes getting watery. She was gone again. “Nothing, Mom.” I kissed her on the forehead. “Thank you for listening.”
After my mother went to bed, I sat alone in the dark waiting for Amber to return.
***
She smelled like his damn cologne, and it was irking the hell out of me. She assured me nothing happened between them aside from hugging. Thank fuck.
It was the middle of the night, and it felt like I was in the midst of some kind of bizarre dream where everything I knew to be true was no longer. Amber was distraught as she recalled everything that Rory had admitted to her tonight. She said they stayed at his apartment talking for hours before he finally drove her home. They’d been gone way longer than I ever anticipated.
Amber paced across the bedroom. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It sort of felt like he’d come back from the dead. I mean, I always knew he’d come back for her. I just never imagined this scenario. There was no plan for how to handle this situation.
I had no words.
The one major thing I’d always had in my corner was the fact that Rory could be deemed untrustworthy for abandoning her to see other people. Turns out, he was a martyr instead.
Fanfuckingtastic.
I understood her reaction, why finding out the real reason behind Rory’s abandonment would make her emotional. Even I felt devastated for him. But I wasn’t stupid. I knew Amber still had lingering feelings for Rory even before any of this happened. As much as that annoyed me, I always admired how deeply she loved with her whole heart and how loyal of a person she was. My hope was that I’d have more time to make her forget about him completely. I knew she had strong feelings for me, too. Did she love me? I had no idea. It felt like she might. Things were complicated even before this happened. But now? Now, it was downright messed-up. I had to protect myself.
There was no way I was going to wait for her to tell me she needed time to figure things out. I couldn’t even bear to hear those words. I was going to give her time before she could say what I knew was coming. As painful as it was, I couldn’t allow myself to fall more deeply in love with Amber if there was a chance she was going to go back to him. I also understood what this must have been doing to her psyche.
My mind was racing. The only decision that made sense was to take my mother and leave, give Amber the time and space to sort her head out over this.
“You can’t absorb all of this in one night,” I said. “You need time to figure it out with a clear head. And I don’t think I should be here while you do.”
“What are you saying?”
“My contract is almost up. I’m gonna tell them about my mother and that I have to go back home now. Gonna head back to Chicago in the next couple of days. Christmas is next week, so Mom’s gonna want to be home for that anyway.”
A look of alarm flashed across Amber’s face as she gripped my shirt. A fresh tear fell down her cheek. “I don’t want you to leave. You were supposed to be here for Christmas.”
Even though it made me feel good that she wished I could have stayed for the holidays, I no longer knew whether the tears in her eyes were for me or for Rory. I hated having to share anything with him, even her goddamn tears.
My anger at the universe knew no end. I needed to let some of what was inside out.
Placing my hands on hers, I pressed them into my chest and looked deeply into her eyes. “Amber, look at me. I need you to really hear this.” I moved my hands to wrap them firmly around her face. “I feel like I didn’t really get to make my feelings as clear as I wanted to earlier, because I was crunched for time. I misspoke.” Sucking in some air, I said, “I’m not falling in love with you. I am in love with you.” When she started to open her mouth to speak, I cut her off, “Please don’t ever tell me you love me back unless you’re one-hundred percent mine. I don’t want to hear those words otherwise. It will only sting.” I leaned my forehead on hers. “I think the moment my feelings for you really hit me was when I felt oddly disappointed that you weren’t pregnant. I realized that there was never any fear of being trapped with you because I was exactly where I wanted to be. This has all happened fast with us, yes, but it’s very real for me. Every day I’ve felt closer to you. Even when you’d show me your vulnerabilities, I love those, too. They make you real. I may not have the past nine years to give you, but I can give you many more to come.”
I told myself I wasn’t going to kiss her but I couldn’t help lowering my mouth to hers as she eagerly received my kiss. That made me even more revved up. My words came out faster. “I want to fuck you in our bed every night. I want to read with you, and laugh about stupid shit, make you blush, feed you weird food, and stay up until all hours of the night talking. I want to fall asleep to the sound of your breathing. I want everything we’ve had over the past few months times infinity. I want it all—the good and the bad. But as much as I want it, I sure as fuck ain’t sharing you.”
She pounded on my chest in frustration. “Channing…I wish tonight never happened.”
I locked her hands to stop her. “I know that, beautiful. I can only imagine how confused you are right now. It pisses me off that he put you in this situation. He should have just been honest from the beginning.”
Did I really feel that way? If he’d done that, I never would have had this time with her.
Her lip was quivering. “I’m not ready for you to leave.”
“It’s not forever. I may be in love with you, but I’ve been your friend for a lot longer than I’ve been your lover. I’ll always be your friend, even if it pains the shit out of me. And as your friend, I know you enough to know that you need this time to figure it all out. If you told me you didn’t need it, I’d still make you take it. Don’t forget, I had the unfortunate circumstance of being your confidante before I was ever your boyfriend, which means I know exactly how strong your feelings for Rory are. You can’t tell me otherwise, and you can’t expect me to believe that this news didn’t rock your world. I get it. I don’t like it…but I get it.” I wiped a tear from her cheek. “Only time can show me whether what he’s told you tonight changes anything between us. If we’re meant to be, we’ll survive this. And if you choose to be with him…” I paused to gather my thoughts and curb my emotions. “If you choose to be with him, I won’t hate you or hold it against you. I’ll understand it was because you were following your heart. I only want you to be with me if it’s the only place you want to be.”
She shut her eyes momentarily then said, “I know you’re making sense, but I just can’t imagine you gone in two days. I feel like I need you here to be able to handle this, even though you’re part of the dilemma.”
“As fucked-up as that sounds, I get it. But I’m giving you space anyway.”
With pleading eyes, she said, “There’s nothing I can say to make you stay?”
“No. I’m sorry. This is the right thing for now.”
Amber just kept nodding. She was finally coming terms in her mind with the fact that I was leaving.
She ran her fingers through my hair. “You referred to yourself as my boyfriend. You’d never used that word before.”
“Boyfriend…fuckboy, same thing,” I joked, burying my face in her neck. “I’m kidding. I know I never used it. I didn’t think I needed to spell it out. I’ve felt like your boyfriend for a while.”
My hands were starting to drift and wander about her body. I was feeling possessive and knew if I slept in the room tonight, that I would want to fuck her. And that would have been a mistake given the turn of events.
“You’d better get some sleep. We’ll talk more in the morning.” I said, forcing myself to walk away.
She called from behind me, “Where are you going?”
As painful as it was, I said, “It’s late. I’m sleeping on the couch.”
***
After a couple of days of tying up loose ends, departure day finally came. The mood around the condo was downright depressing.
Amber focused all of her attention on my mother. She did Mom’s hair before we had to head to the airport and helped her pack what few belongings she had. I was pretty sure she was trying to avoid having to say goodbye to me. Of course, I hoped it really wasn’t goodbye—at least not permanently anyway—but I had no clue what the next few weeks would bring.
I was putting the last of my things inside a carry-on when Amber walked into my room. “Your mother is lying down. She said to wake her when the Uber gets here.”
“Uber’s coming in fifteen minutes,” I muttered.
Her body was inches from me now, but I wasn’t acknowledging her. I wasn’t ready.
Amber’s voice cracked. “I can’t believe this is really happening.”
I’d continued to sleep on the couch for the past couple of nights. Amber knew why. I didn’t have to spell it out. Sleeping apart from her had been torture. But she didn’t try to convince me otherwise. There was nothing more I’d wanted than to spend those nights in her bed. But I just couldn’t.
“I need to say something before I leave,” I announced.
“Don’t make me cry,” she said, even though she was already crying.
Sitting on the bed, I prompted her to come to me. Burying my head in her abdomen, I spoke softly, “I don’t just love you, Amber. I like you. Really like you. You were always my favorite person. But after spending this time with you, seeing how you are with Milo, how much of your life you devote to others, in my book, you’re a rockstar. You deserve the world. I just want you to be happy.” Looking up at her, I said, “When I first came here…it broke my heart to see how hurt you were. I wanted to help you feel better, like you helped me all those years ago when Lainey died. I wanted to bring you out of your darkness. But in the process, I fucked up and fell in love with you, fell in love with not only the good parts but the dark ones, too—your realness, your vulnerability. And the big irony is that, once again, I needed you just as much as you might have needed me. This time with you has taught me a lot. The way you handle Milo, it’s actually really helped me know that even sometimes when someone can’t communicate with you that they can have moments of happiness. That gave me hope about my mother’s future when very little else does. This trip has been a blessing to me. You’re a blessing to me. As much as I want you for myself, I want true happiness for you more, whether that’s with me or without me. The only thing you need to do for me…is to figure your heart out.” I placed my hand over her chest. “I know I’m in there somewhere. But I’m selfish and I want it all.”
She sniffled. “You deserve it all.”
I stood up from the bed and cupped her cheeks. “I’ll miss your face so much.”
Amber leaned her head on my chest. “There’s just so much I need to say to you that I haven’t been able to articulate. I feel like I’ve been numb, and I owe you so much more than that.”
I held her tightly. “You owe me nothing. But if you want to do something for me…just think about me when I’m gone. Spend time with Rory. Do what you need to. But when you’re not with him, really think about me. Remember everything that I’ve said and that we’ve done.”
She pulled back to look at me. “I promise, I will.”
The sound of a horn outside interrupted our moment.
“Fuck. The car is here. I’m gonna get my mother and the cat situated downstairs. Then, I’ll come back up to say goodbye, alright?”
We left the bedroom, and Amber hugged my mother goodbye, promising to see her again soon. I hoped that was really the case. Only God knew how bad my mother would be the next time Amber saw her.
Mom held Kitty in a carrier. The poor cat was meowing like crazy. If you think about it, this must have been scary as all hell for her. Her life literally consisted of breaking out of a truck and then all she knew was me and this place. She probably thought she’d be here forever. And now she didn’t know where the hell she was going.
I’m scared of the unknown, too, Kitty.
Grabbing the one black suitcase I’d arrived with along with a small bag of things my mother had accumulated while here, we walked down to the Uber SUV parked in front of Amber’s building.
After getting Mom settled in the backseat, I slipped the driver a bonus twenty, letting him know I might be a few minutes and telling him to please be patient.
Amber was waiting by the window when I returned to her bedroom.
She turned around. “This is it?”
I swallowed. “Yeah.”
About a week ago, I’d purchased a piece of mistletoe from a shop downtown, planning to take it out on Christmas Eve and play around with it. I pulled it out of my pocket.
Her mouth moved into a slight grin. “What’s that?”
“Glittery mistletoe. I was gonna try to be funny on Christmas Eve. I had this idea that I was gonna wrap it around my cock when you came to bed…make you laugh. I bought it before any of this happened.”
She wiped the tears from her eyes. “That would have been so funny.”
I walked slowly toward her and placed it over her head. “Since we won’t be together for Christmas, can I kiss you under this mistletoe?”
“I would love nothing more.”
She parted her lips, and I hungrily took them into my mouth. It wasn’t my intention to kiss her so forcefully, but the magnitude of this was really hitting me.
What if this was the last time?
Amber was feeling it, too. She gripped my jacket for dear life. The mistletoe slipped out of my hands and onto the ground.
“I have to go,” I said huskily over her lips.
“Don’t.” Her tears were all over my face.
I kissed her harder. And I lost it. Totally fucking lost it. The next thing I knew, she was desperately unbuttoning my jeans. Her ass was on the windowsill, and her legs were wrapped around my back.
It didn’t matter that my mother and the cat were downstairs with the Uber driver. All that mattered was getting inside of her again. Secretly, a part of me also needed to know that she wouldn’t deny me.
I reached over to the nightstand and fumbled for a condom, ripping it open in record time.
Once the rubber was on, I moaned from deep in the back of my throat as I sank into her. It felt like it had been a hundred years.
My thrusts were fast, hard, and desperate. Her back was banging against the window as I fucked her for dear life, knowing that it very well could have been our last time. Her hands were pulling my hair as I gently bit at her skin.
Groaning into her neck, I said, “I can’t fucking quit you, Amber. Don’t make me.”
“Stay inside of me, Channing. Fuck me harder.”
A car horn from outside barely registered through the sounds of our desperation, the slapping of our skin, the clanking of my belt buckle.
Even though I never wanted this to end, I needed release, and I needed to leave.
“I need to go,” I whispered in her ear before my body started shaking as I came inside of her, pumping until there was nothing left. She gasped and clenched her muscles around my cock, following suit with her own orgasm.
The coldness I felt as I pulled out of her was excruciating. Our foreheads were still touching as we panted together.
“I really do have to leave now.”
I swiftly zipped up my jeans and gave her one last firm kiss on the lips before walking away.
I turned around one last time. “I may not have been your first love, but you’re mine.”
She silently nodded as more tears fell. I could feel my own eyes getting watery, but there was no way I was going to cry.
At least, not until I got on the plane and out of her sight.