CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
AMBER
Blinking my eyes open, I had no idea how long I’d been sleeping nor what day it was. The grid-like squares of fluorescent light on the ceiling were giving me a headache as was the smell of the hospital itself, a mix of antiseptic and flesh.
That feeling of dread whenever I thought about my current reality started to seep in as I became more coherent.
The meds they were giving me were working but not fast enough. Grabbing for the remote, I turned on the television and blankly stared at the news program that was on. The bed adjacent to mine was empty, and for that, I was grateful.
There was a slight knock. Assuming it was the nurse coming to take my vitals, I didn’t even look in the direction of the door.
When he appeared at my bedside, the recognition of his scent made me realize it wasn’t a nurse after all.
As I looked up at Channing, I could hardly believe he was here. As my heart pumped faster, I shut off the television. My eyes closed as his hand slowly reached my cheek. He smelled like the outside mixed with sandalwood, literally a breath of fresh air in this stagnant place.
“How are you feeling?”
“I’ve been better.” I smiled. “But I’m going to be okay.”
He exhaled and took my hand. “Thank God. I was worried sick.”
A feeling so powerful came over me. I finally understood what people like Boris and Annabelle had been telling me all along—that there would come a time when what I was truly feeling would reveal itself organically. Inexplicably, I would know where my heart was. It was a feeling that couldn’t be quantified nor was it premeditated. It just happened upon me naturally and unexpectedly.
This sickness had knocked the wind out of me. But it had also given me more time to reflect on my life. It wasn’t until he was right in front of me at this very moment that I became certain of my truest feelings—that I couldn’t live without this man. I’d been miserable from the moment he left to go back to Chicago.
“Where’s Rory?” I asked.
The expression on his face darkened. He was probably assuming that my question meant I needed Rory more than him. The truth was, I needed to make sure that Rory wasn’t going to walk in at this particular moment. I knew Rory had been at the hospital almost the entire time I was here.
“He went down to the cafeteria to grab a coffee.”
The sentiment was practically bursting through my chest. “I love you, Channing.”
He looked shocked, and then his eyes filled with hope once what I’d just said hit him. “You do?”
He knew that I vowed never to say those words unless I truly meant them.
“I love you. I promised you I wouldn’t say it until I was yours. There is no doubt in my mind that I belong with you. I’ve never been more scared than these past few days when I thought I was losing you for good.”
“What about Rory?” The tone of his question and the look in his eyes reflected what seemed almost like concern for Rory. It was an interesting observation.
Of course, the mere mention of Rory’s name caused me to start to cry. I would always love him. And a huge part of me felt absolutely terrible right now. But what it came down to was simple.
“My heart beats stronger for you, Channing. I love Rory. I will always love him. And that’s something that I hope you can understand. But love isn’t always only about the person who makes you feel the safest or even how much you care about someone. Sometimes, it’s about the person who ignites your soul, and that may also be the person you fear the most. Sometimes love entails taking the biggest risk. You’re the biggest risk, because losing you would be the most earth-shattering thing. My love for you is different. It’s something I can’t live without. I learned to live without Rory. I can’t live without you now that I know what it’s like to have you in my life. I never want to know what losing you is like.”
He let out the biggest sigh of relief. “God, I was bracing myself to lose you. You have no idea.”
“I will never make you feel like you have to doubt my intentions again.”
Channing’s eyes were watery. “I love you so much, Amber. I’m sorry I acted like a dick this week. I was just scared.”
“I know you were. So was I.” It hit me that he’d come all the way from Chicago and left Christine. “Who’s with your mother?”
“I drove her to her sister’s house, a couple of hours away from us. She’s fine. I told her to expect that I’d be gone a few days. I’ll be here with you for New Year’s.”
“How did you even know I was here at the hospital?”
“Annabelle called me. Don’t be mad at her.”
Rolling my eyes, I nodded. “I should’ve known.”
He took my hand. “So, what now? Do you think Rory knows where your heart is?”
“I have to tell him. I’m going to need to talk to him today.”
He bit his lip, looking pensive. “Okay.” It touched me to see how much compassion Channing seemed to have. He wasn’t gloating; he seemed seriously concerned for Rory.
Channing lowered his head down on my chest. “I don’t ever want to be apart from you again.” He continued to lay his head there as I ran my fingers through his hair. It was a perfect moment.
We were in our own world. So much so that when Rory entered the room, I hadn’t noticed, until he was standing before us, holding two coffees, and looking like his world just ended.
***
I’d been expecting some sort of confrontation between them, but it never happened. Channing looked somber as he glanced over at Rory. The animosity that previously existed seemed to have disappeared.
Channing squeezed my hand and said, “I need a shower. I’m gonna head to your place. I still have the key. I’ll be back soon.”
Then, he quietly slipped out of the room, leaving Rory and me alone.
When the door latched closed, Rory put the coffees down and just continued to stand there frozen.
He knew.
“Don’t say it. I already know what’s going on, and I just can’t bear to hear you say the words.”
No longer able to contain my tears, I cried, “I’m so sorry, Rory.”
Rory stayed at the opposite end of the room. He looked distraught when he said, “This past week—even before you got sick—you’d been completely distant. I knew you were thinking of him. I knew I was losing you for good.”
I tried to compose myself to best explain what I was feeling. There was no easy way to do it. I just had to spit it out, even though it hurt me.
“When you told me to explore other people, that’s what I did. And I found someone with whom I have a deeper connection, a connection that in retrospect goes way back. The reason why you left isn’t important. The fact is, you let me go long enough to realize my feelings for someone else—someone whom I’ve grown to love. I’ll always love you, too. I just can’t be with you anymore, as much as that hurts me to finally admit.” My voice was shaky. “I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”
He was looking down. “I can’t look at you right now. It’s too painful. But I want you to know that there’s nothing to forgive. You didn’t do anything wrong. I just hope you made the right decision.”
There was a curtain serving as a partition between me and the empty adjacent bed. Rory disappeared behind there for several minutes. I didn’t want to imagine he was crying. And I couldn’t imagine how he was feeling.
His eyes were red when he reemerged. Rory slowly approached me and took both of my hands in his, kissing them firmly. “Are you gonna be okay if I go home?”
The fact that he even cared hurt my heart. “Of course.”
The level of respect I had for how he’d handled himself during this entire ordeal was boundless. My respect for him was boundless.
Nothing would ever erase the significance of the time we had together. Everyone who comes into your life serves a purpose to teach you in some way. Rory taught me how to love. And for that, I would be eternally grateful. I would pray every night that he’d find the kind of love he was so deserving of, the kind that would make him realize that what just happened between us happened for a reason.