Time
Keelie
“Where’re your shoes?” I yell to Saylor as I make my coffee to-go.
“I can only find one,” she whines from the mudroom. “It was here yesterday. Or maybe the other Sunday. I dunno.”
“Find another pair,” I call from the kitchen and look at Knox. “Hurry and eat your cereal. We’re going to be late.”
“We’re not late,” he chomps over his words with his mouth full. “We’re early. Where’s Asa? He always takes us.”
“I’m taking you.” I have to stop and catch my breath. They don’t deserve the edge of my tongue because I was up all night. Nor do they need to know Asa is still sleeping off a pain pill because he was almost sliced in two by the man who tried to kill Emma and me in a drive-by shooting. I close my eyes, take a breath, and try to start over. “I’m taking you and I’d like to leave a little early. I have some things I need to catch up on.”
“Can I wear my princess shoes?” Saylor calls.
“Where’re Levi and Emma?” Knox asks.
“No,” I yell. “You cannot wear your princess shoes to school.” I turn back to Knox and lie. “They’re not feeling well. I think a bug is going around.”
“I can’t find the other one!”
“They’re both sick at the same time?”
“Wear your rain boots,” I yell before adding, “Yes. They’re both sick.”
Saylor’s voice takes that tone—the one where I know a meltdown is imminent. “But it’s miss-match socks day. If I wear my rain boots, no one will see my socks. And it’s not even raining. Katie McMeanie will make fun of me for wearing rain boots when it’s sunny. She’s such a meanie.”
I slap two peanut butter sandwiches together and toss them into bags. “It’s Katie McBride. And why do you give a sh—I mean—why do you care what she thinks? You tell Katie to mind her own shoe business. Rain boots are always in.”
“Nooo,” she drawls and I can tell we’re close to detonation. With no sleep and my head spinning, I have no patience for her theatrics—this morning of all mornings. I throw the last of their lunches together and my heels click across the wood floors. When I make it into the mudroom, Saylor is sitting with her mismatched socks pulled up high over her leggings in the middle of the floor surrounded by every pair of shoes we own.
I close my eyes and bite my tongue. This is one of those moments that if I don’t, I’ll come un-fucking-glued. To be honest, I’ve been on the edge since last night.
“Sorry, Mommy,” Saylor whispers. She looks as guilty as Emma’s puppy, Ryder, when he’s caught shredding the toilet paper.
I exhale. “Go brush your teeth and tell your brother to do the same. I’ll find your shoe.”
She skedaddles out of the room, knowing she won a stay of execution from having to clean up this mess or deal with my ragey-mom outburst. I bend and start tossing shoes into a pile so we can at least walk to the garage, finding the missing Croc she was looking for in about five seconds.
When I move to the kitchen to grab my coffee, I stumble to a stop. Asa is standing in the kitchen wearing a t-shirt and athletic shorts. His hair is rumpled as he runs his hand through it and he looks deliciously sleepy, reminding me of how I enjoy this look in the mornings when he wakes me with his hands and mouth.
“You should’ve gotten me up,” he says. “Let me get my keys and I’ll take you all to school.”
“I’m fine.” I make myself look away and go about collecting my things for work. I don’t look back when I keep talking. “From the sounds of it, last night was productive. I can get us to and fro from now on.”
“I don’t mind,” he says from across the kitchen.
I do my best to keep on. “And I’ll get with my insurance again today. They keep giving me the run around about my van. I’ll do what I can to put some pressure on them and then start looking for a new car.”
His tone is controlled, even if a bit confused. “You have a new car, Keelie.”
I start to argue that fact, that the new car is a loaner and as much as I’ve appreciated it, I need to buy a new—or used—car for myself. But I don’t get the chance because Saylor and Knox come barging into the room. Saylor, not respecting personal space as usual, throws herself at Asa and he bends to pick her up.
“No-no—” I start to warn but he has her up before I know it, holding her on his side opposite his new stitches.
“Are you coming?” she asks Asa.
“No,” I butt in. “I’m taking you and it’s time to go. I found your shoes—go get them on. Grab your bags and get in the car. I’ll be out in a second.”
Asa puts a hand on top of Knox’s head. “Have a good day, bud.” Then he continues to stomp all over my heart by leaning in to kiss Saylor on the forehead. “I got you a new book—Black Beauty. We’ll start it tonight after you read to me.”
“What’s it about?” she asks.
“Another horse, but this one’s told by the horse.” He smiles at her as she tries to process it.
“Like a cartoon?”
“No.” He gives her one more kiss and sets her down. “You’ll see tonight. Work hard, baby.”
I look down at my kids and try to smile, but I just can’t manage it, and my voice even sounds hoarse. “Load up. I’ll be right there.”
“You okay?” Asa starts for me but I take a step back and put my hand up.
“This has happened really fast.” I spew my words, swallowing hard, and try my best to keep in check so I don’t fall apart before work.
Asa narrows his eyes. “What’s happened fast?”
“This,” I motion between us, “has morphed into something much too quickly.”
His face turns hard and he narrows his eyes, studying me. “Too quickly?”
“I didn’t mean for it to. I agreed to dinner at first and then everything happened. It’s too much for me. I’ve decided I need some space.”
“You need some space,” he mutters, processing what I’m saying.
“I mean,” I take a big breath so I have the will to do what I need to. “I don’t know if I’m ready for this. This is serious.”
“This is serious,” he agrees with me.
“No. I mean, we’re practically living together and our children are involved. I need some time to think.”
“You need some time to think?”
“Quit repeating me, Asa.” This is painful enough as it is. I need it to be done.
He takes another step—a big one—forcing me to take two back. If steps had dispositions, his would be menacing and angry. “I’m repeating you because you’re not making any fucking sense.”
“Don’t cuss at me,” I warn, only because I have no idea what else to say. My verbal sparring skills have suddenly taken a vacation. They’re probably somewhere drunk on a beach right now.
“Baby, the word fuck pretty much has a home address on your bottom lip. If you’re not reining it in for the kids’ sake or have that mouth wrapped around my dick, you’re cussing.”
I gasp. He did not just say that. “Fuck you.”
“See?” His head tilts in a condescending manner. “If you want to try your other favorite pastime and go to town on my cock, I’m all up for it, but your kids are waiting in the car and mine are asleep upstairs.”
I pull my lips in and do my best not to look down to see if he’s hard through his shorts, because he’s right. I do love his cock and that’s saying something. I’ve never liked giving head until I met Asa. But somehow when I’m giving him a blow job, he still manages to make it about me, dammit. He should write a manual. There would be more blow jobs in the world, and therefore, happier, more agreeable men.
“We could always go to the pantry,” he eggs me on.
“Stop it,” I demand. “Don’t talk to me like that.”
“Then don’t spew this shit at me,” he returns my fire.
“Dammit, Asa. I need to slow down. I need space. I need a break from us.”
“You don’t.” Those two words come back at me strong and clear.
“I do.” My voice cracks again. “I need things to go back to normal, where no one’s getting stitched up, or threatened by murderers, or people running out into the night. Your house is livable again. It’s time you go back.”
His jaw goes hard and he looks to the side and stares out my kitchen window.
“I need time, Asa. Space.”
His eyes dart back to mine. Those hazel eyes I’ve come to love so much are now dark and angry. “You don’t know what you need.”
“I do,” I counter, softening my voice. “I’m sorry.”
He exhales, exasperated, putting a hand to the island and drops his head to look at the floor.
“I’ll explain to Knox and Saylor this afternoon,” I say at the same time dreading it as a pain shoots through me. “Tell Levi and Emma I’ll see them at school.”
He looks up to me, his voice gravely and pleading. “Baby.”
My eyes start to sting and I pick up my coffee and bag. There’s no way I can look back. I can’t stand myself but I also can’t stand the fear. And it doesn’t matter if my marriage was all but over when David died—if that was bad, losing Asa would absolutely kill me. I wouldn’t be able to live through it.
The last thing I hear when I pull the garage door shut is him calling for me one last time. “Keelie, don’t do this. Dammit!”
I didn’t know it was possible for one to break their own heart, but I think I just managed it.
*****
It’s been the longest day—two days, really, bleeding into one. I’ve never been able to operate on little sleep, but here I am. Asa’s last words have rung through my head all day and knowing I’ll be going home to an empty house is more than depressing.
It’s downright painful.
The new information about Emma seeing two people possibly compromising the car Brandon and Kyler were killed in has been the centerpiece of the day. The police have taken over and have been questioning students all morning. I’ve barely kept up with everything as it is, but I do know two more seniors have been taken to the police station for further interrogation. This is not good for our school and I think it’s safe to say we’re all ready for the year to be over with.
It’s just after lunch and I’m sitting in a meeting about graduation that no one has time for given all the activity of the day. We’re supposed to be looking over speech submissions for convocation, but instead, we’re waiting on Tom Logan.
Brett White is frustrated by the recent events and sighs. “He probably went somewhere and got held up at lunch. The sooner we get this over with, the better. I’ve got parents calling me left and right.”
I should really give more of an effort. These kids will only graduate from high school once and, let’s face it, a decent graduation is boring on a good day. It’s our job to put forth the best ceremony possible, especially when everyone is forced to sit through almost three-hundred students walking across the stage.
But I just can’t. Today, every speech sounds the same. I might become cross-eyed if I have to look at them any longer and find my mind wandering.
“Everyone agrees?” Mr. White asks.
Shit, I have no idea what he’s talking about.
Since I don’t care anyway. I nod and stand to leave. None of them sucked, so I’m sure it will be fine in the end. It’ll just be a surprise at graduation.
I go back to my office and realize I have one more meeting, then I can go home. Home, to my empty house where I’ll have to explain to Knox that I sent away the only man who’s given him time in two years and that from now on Saylor’s going to have to read to me.
I decide to grab a cup of coffee from the teachers’ lounge first, so I won’t look like a zombie for the rest of the day.
When I head to my last meeting, I turn the corner and almost run into Tom—but he’s not alone. He’s frustrated as he talks to Maggie Stockton right outside a closed classroom door.
“Hey,” I interrupt, and they both startle, looking over at me. Maggie looks like someone just ran over her dog and when I look to Tom, he’s glaring at me. “You, ah, missed all the fun picking a speech.”
“Yeah, sorry.” He takes a deep breath. “I ran a quick errand over lunch and got a flat. I’m about to go and apologize to Mr. White, but had to speak to Maggie about her attendance.”
“Oh.” I haven’t kept tabs on Maggie, I’ve been too busy with my tornado of a life and my own students. “Flat tires suck. I’m glad you’re okay.”
“Took longer to change than I thought.” He looks back to Maggie. “Go back to class, but know this is your last warning.”
Maggie bites her lip, eager to get away. “Yes, Mr. Logan.”
Everyone seems to be in a hurry to escape, because Tom mumbles, “Sorry I missed the meeting. It won’t happen again.”
“Don’t worry. It’s all taken care of.”
He nods and shifts around me in a hurry. “Thanks.”
*****
“So, now that all the work is finished on Asa’s house, he, Levi and Emma won’t be staying with us anymore.”
I look into the rearview mirror and pain slices through me as I watch Knox process this information. I picked them up from school today so I could talk to them about Asa and his kids leaving.
“Why?” he asks.
“Who am I going to read to?” Saylor whines. “And what about the new book he bought me?”
“You’ll read to me.” I put the fake smile on my face I haven’t had to rely on for a while. In fact, I don’t think I’ve had to rely on it since Asa broke up with me before we even started. That seems like an eternity ago.
“Why can’t they just stay with us? There’s room for everyone, and Ryder is going to miss Bella and Banner. He loves playing with them. And Asa said he was going to get another model for us to do together,” Knox keeps on, truly not understanding.
“We’ll go this weekend and you can pick out another model. I’ll help.”
“But you never have time.” Knox starts to get defensive, which isn’t like him. “You say you’ll do stuff like that but you’re always too busy.”
I pull up to my property and try to steady my voice. “I promise to make time, baby.”
“Don’t call me baby.” My son is angry, but below that, he’s hurt.
When I pull around the bend, parked in front of my house is Asa’s big truck. Even Levi’s Jeep is sitting right beside it. In fact, I think they’re in the exact same spots they were when I left this morning.
“He’s here!” Saylor unbuckles herself and slides out of her booster seat to climb up beside me as I pull up my drive.
“Maybe they’re not going back.” There’s a glimmer of hope hanging in Knox’s voice and that makes me angry. I just went through the agony of telling my kids they wouldn’t be here and now I’ll have to do it all over again. It was bad enough the first time.
When I put the big, honking SUV in park, Asa appears from the garage. He’s showered and changed from this morning, back in jeans and t-shirt, leaving me wondering if he’s in any pain from last night.
Knox and Saylor go running up to him before I can maneuver my way out of the car in my heels.
“You’re here!” Saylor throws herself at him.
Asa smiles down to her and picks her up just like this morning, but has the nerve to say, “Where else would I be?”
I feel my face fall, but he doesn’t notice because he’s focused on my kids.
“You’re not leaving? To go back to your house?” Knox asks.
“Since I don’t have room for your goats and donkey in my backyard, we’ll have to hang out here.” His voice is serious, yet sincere, when he answers Knox. “Got you a new model today. It’s waiting for you in the kitchen, but don’t open it ‘til you get your homework done.”
“Are you still going to read Purple Pretty to me?” Saylor demands his attention.
He smirks. “It’s Black Beauty—and yes. Why wouldn’t I?”
“Cause Mommy said you wouldn’t be here anymore,” my blatantly honest daughter answers.
For the first time since we got home, Asa shifts his gaze on me. His tone changes and I know him well enough to tell he’s angry. “Your mom misunderstood.”
If Saylor knew how to do it, I’m sure she’d flip me off and say I told you so. Knox looks to me and the joy on his face is something I’ll never forget. It’s also something I might never forgive Asa for because now it’s going to be harder for the kids when he does leave, and it was already really fucking bad.
Asa plops Saylor down on her feet. “Go put your stuff away and get a bite to eat before you do your homework.”
Of course, Knox does as he’s told, but Saylor does too, which is a small wonder.
Once I hear the garage door slam, I stomp across the pavement to where he’s standing. “What in the fuck do you think you’re doing?”
He crosses his arms. “There you go again with the fucks.”
I don’t know whether I’m pissed or shocked. Either way, my voice comes out desperate. “I told you I needed space. And time. I just got done explaining that you’d no longer be here and now you’ve confused them.”
He leans to get into my space, his anger matching mine. “No. You’re the one who’s confused.”
I stand my ground, throwing my arm out to the side. “How am I confused? This is my house. I told you to leave, yet you’re here.”
“Baby,” he starts, but for the first time ever, his endearment isn’t sweet or loving. It’s irritated at best and livid at worst. “I’ve said this more than once and I’m pissed I have to repeat myself. I told you that when I spent time with your children, I took that shit seriously. If you think you can go off half-cocked and take that away from them and me while you get your shit together, you’re sorely mistaken.”
I take a step back, shocked by his words, but that doesn’t faze him because he closes the distance and keeps in my face.
“Levi and Emma like it here. I just figured out what’s going on with my daughter yesterday. If you think I’m gonna uproot her again now, you’re crazy.” I didn’t think it was possible for him to get any closer, but he does. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think he was going to kiss me, but he doesn’t. He lowers his voice to a menacing growl, telling me he’s not fucking around. “And when I said I wasn’t leaving you, I fucking meant it. This is me, Keelie, holding my ground—keeping my word. You’re so worried about protecting yourself from people lying to you, stealing from you, and dying on you, you haven’t opened your eyes to see what the fuck’s going on. I’m not leaving. I’ll give you all the space you need, but you’re going to have to take it while the rest of us are here feeding goats, building rockets, talking to donkeys, training puppies, and carrying on. Take all the time you need, baby. I’ll give it to you, but know you’re gonna have to do it while the rest of us are living our lives.”
My chest is heaving and my heart is pounding so hard I feel it everywhere. I have no idea what to do or say, but he doesn’t give me a chance to figure it out.
He steps back and looks me up and down with menacing eyes. “You should take a nap—you look exhausted.”
And with that, he leaves me standing alone on my driveway in an odd stillness. I didn’t think it was possible, but he even silenced the goats.
Well. What the hell am I going to do now?