I stared out the window a lot, contemplating things I didn’t understand in my own little world. Even though I was friendly when someone spoke to me, I was careful not to befriend anyone else. One Tristan Swan, and one wedding party, was enough for one day. With every welcome sign we drove under, my nerves got a little crazier and I had to keep reminding myself I was really doing this. The part causing all the anxiety was the fact I had no idea what I was even doing, where I was going, or what I would do once I got there. And of course, Daniel. That call was dreaded all day for miles and miles.
I changed buses for the second time in Albuquerque, New Mexico around eight thirty that night, deciding to make the call then. Right after I got the most amazing, pudding-filled doughnut and a cup of coffee, I stood outside and leaned against the wall. Taking in a long, deep breath, I swallowed the food in my mouth, and prepared myself for the unknown.
“Hello?”
“Hey, you got your phone back.”
“Yes, finally. Whose phone are you on?”
“One of my friends.”
“Friends?”
“Yes, from the bus.”
“Right. Those people are not your friends, Atlantis. Sometimes I wonder about you. Are you at Aunt Jo’s?”
That was one of the things about Daniel that annoyed me the most. He hadn’t seen me in almost twelve months, yet he felt the need to remind me how silly I was sometimes. I never needed much of a reason to receive one of his lectures, but I really didn’t expect it this time. “Yeah? Well it’s nice to hear your voice, too.”
“I can’t do this right now, Atlantis. We’re just now getting home. Are you at Aunt Jo’s? I’ll give you a call in the morning on my way to work.”
I’m not sure if the miles between us helped me be stronger than I normally was with him, or I really didn’t care, but something helped. Normally, I stroked his ego to keep from hearing it while internally rolling my eyes. Not now. Not this time. “I’m not going back there, Danny.”
“Back where? Home?”
“I’m not going to your house and I’m not going back to Mount Grace.”
“Okay, that’s nice. It’s almost nine o’clock. We just got home and I’m exhausted. I’m not doing this tonight, Atlantis. I’ll call you at Aunt Jo’s in the morning.”
I may or may not have talked around the sweet food in my mouth just because I knew it annoyed the hell out of him. “I’m not there. I’m in New Mexico, getting ready to get on another bus.”
Danny made it obvious when he walked away from someone, probably the girls, his voice lowering. First I heard a door close, slam actually, and then the anger. “Do you know what quarter this is?”
“Excuse me?” I frowned, my eyes shifting to the antique flip phone.
“It’s the last quarter of the year. I’ve got less than three months to sell two-hundred-seventy-four cars. Two of them leftover from last year. I have no idea what the fuck you’re doing, but you need to stop. I’m not dealing with you right now, Atlantis. I can’t. Get your ass home and we’ll see you next weekend. I was just about to talk to the girls and let them know you’ll be coming home.”
I laughed. I actually laughed, something I would have never done had I been in front of him. “I don’t want to be your wife anymore.”
His response surprised me. He didn’t normally reach the begging point until he knew I’d had enough. “Atlantis, just chill out. Come home, baby. I can’t do this without you.”
“Do what, Daniel?”
“Any of it. I need you here with me.”
“For what, Danny? You need someone to run your daughters around for you? You need your supper on the table when you get home after nine o’clock every single night? You need someone to keep your house clean for you? You need someone to lay down and spread their legs for you whenever you feel the need? What is it you need me for?”
“What the fuck, Atlantis? It’s your house, too. It’s your job. You’re the wife. That’s what wives do. It’s not my fault you were born without a dick. Where the hell is all this even coming from? When I talked to you this morning, you were headed home. What the fuck happened?”
“It’s not my house, Daniel. It’s never been my house.”
“Yes, it is. As long as you’re my wife it is,” he added.
Unbelievable. This conversation was really happening. “Wow, Daniel.”
“What, Atlantis? This is bullshit and you know it. Get your ass home, so we can put this behind us and move on with our lives. Everyone is expecting you to be here to run the holiday handouts campaign. Please, Atlantis. Don’t do this right now. You have no idea what I’ve just been through with you and it’s finally behind us. Can you not stir anymore shit right now?”
“When was the last time you thought about what I’ve just been through?”
“You created it.”
Wow. I couldn’t even. “You’re absolutely right. I did, and guess what else, Daniel? I’m going to go create something different now. I don’t like the way this feels anymore.”
“Where the fuck are you?”
It really didn’t take much to amuse me those days, but in all honesty, I took great pleasure in saying goodbye. “I told you already. I’m in New Mexico. I think I’ll go hang out in Los Angeles for a while. I’ve never been there before.”
I looked down at my sneakers, analyzing the way I felt when I closed the phone. Honestly, I didn’t feel hurt, betrayed, or rejected. I felt lighter. Pushing my weight from the wall, I followed the crowd, bringing up the tail with a smile I couldn’t help but express and words I couldn’t keep to myself. “Wow, Atlantis Jane Karr. That just happened.”
Because of the dreaded phone call now behind me, and my slow pace, I ended up right behind the driver’s seat on the next bus, but I didn’t mind as much as I thought I would. I had the whole seat to myself and more leg room than I had before. Not to mention the view ahead. Even if it was dark, the scenery was much nicer than the aisle seat in the back.
For the first twenty minutes or so, I stared out the side window, thinking about my name. I didn’t even want to be a Karr anymore and I couldn’t wait to go back to my given name. Atlantis Kennedy sounded better than Atlantis Karr anyway and I’d always thought so. I wondered about a job next. Besides waitressing some, the only real job I’d ever had was at the dealership where I’d met Daniel. Waitressing wouldn’t be so bad, I could do that, I thought. I’d only applied for the dealership position for the hours anyway. There was no such thing as a nine to five waitressing job, not with real money anyway.
That thought made me wonder where I would have been had I not smiled back that one time. I wondered if I would have still been in the trailer park with Quinn had I stayed at the truck stop and kept on waitressing, instead of taking the day shift with no weekends, job. Without even noticing, I squeezed my eyes shut and blinked away the watery cloud obscuring my vision. Hind sight never failed. If only we could get a redo. One redo. That’s all I needed.
Just when I let my nerves get the best of me again, my phone rang and Toby flashed across the screen. “Hey,” I quietly answered.
“Hi, how’s it going?”
“It’s going. I’m in New Mexico. How about you? You okay?”
“I’m way good. Thank you for asking. Did you call him? What did he say?”
I smiled, cracking the ache in my neck with a quick jerk to the right. “I don’t think he believes me yet. This isn’t the first time I’ve threatened to leave.”
“But it is the first time since he left you stranded in a bus station after twelve months of prison and who knows what before that. I don’t trust men who treat women like they’re less than them and you shouldn’t either.”
Not only was Tristan one of a kind, so was her boyfriend, Tobias. Relationships like that were fairy tales little girls mistook for reality, but I didn’t need to get in to all of that with her. Just because her prince charming came running after her didn’t mean it was the norm. She was one of the lucky ones and men didn’t come like that. None I’d ever had the pleasure of meeting anyway. My head shook from side to side when I realized that I was once again on a bus, heading to California, prince charming getting pushed right out of my mind. “It’s a lot to take in.”
“I’m sure it is, but I’m going to help you. I’ve got it all planned out.”
I chuckled at Tristan’s overzealous enthusiasm, wishing I had just a little of it. I agreed to go, but I couldn’t agree not to be scared out of my mind. “I’m glad one of us has my back.”
“I don’t have your back. I’m on the front lines right beside you. We’re heading in to the mountains where there’s not much service, but I’ll check on you again in a few days. That’ll give you time to get settled.”
“Are you sure? I mean, really, really sure. Like for sure, sure. I don’t need any more trouble.”
“Will you stop worrying? I swear on my Granny Jandt’s grave, nobody is going to bother you.”
“But what if it sells right away? Then what?” I inquired, asking questions I’d already asked. A few times.
“Then we’ll worry about it at that time. Right now. That’s the only moment you need to be worrying about. That’s it. Got it?”
“Okay, yes. Thanks again, Tristan.”
“Stop thanking me. You’re my friend. Friends help friends. Relax. Enjoy the solitude. It’s good for you.”
I knew what solitude was more than anyone, but I refrained from reminding her or myself. That thought was pushed away, too. “Okay, I will.”
“Okay, talk to you in a few days. Bye.”
“Bye, Tristan.”
Placing the phone back to my backpack, I yawned and leaned against the window, my eyes drifting to the white reflectors placed in the middle of the highway. A few hours of sleep sounded amazing, but I doubted it would come. It had become something I’d gotten used to not having; sometimes, something I feared. My mind went to Ashley and Caitlyn while I stared out the window, wondering what their response would be when Danny told them. We never did get along all that great. The only time they wanted anything to do with me was when they wanted a ride or money.
Those girls were so blinded by their physical beauty, and showing it off to anyone who would give them a like or a comment to stroke their conceited egos, it wasn’t even funny. The sad truth was, according to their own artificial standards, neither one of them were very pretty. They were fourteen and twelve, but they sure as hell didn’t act like it. Once again, I closed my eyes, blocking them out with thoughts of Los Angeles, unsure of whether or not I had missed them at all. Probably not.
I’m not sure if it was the motion of the bus or maybe the hum from the engine, but I did doze off. Falling asleep wasn’t normally my problem, it was the staying asleep that I fought every single night. I’d planned on going to see Dr. Baker once I’d gotten home, for something to help with that, but I’d deal with it. At least I could buy something over the counter. The last thing I remembered before I slipped into a somber sleep was worry about that. What if I really did need a doctor? What if something happened to me and I was hundreds of miles from home? What if I got sick before I even got there? What if…
“Mom, look at me. Mom, hey Mom, look.”
I looked up from my phone with my foot on the brake as I neared the stop sign at the end of our cul-de-sac, trying to decipher what the hell Daniel was trying to say. A text message reminding me about the barbeque I knew absolutely nothing about. “Get back in your seat, Quinn. Right now.”
“No, you said I can sit in the big seat because I’m six.”
“No, I said you can sit in the big seat IN the seat belt, not hang out the window. Get in here right now,” I ordered through the mirror, watching him glide a cheap dollar airplane through the wind. He was six by four days and barely forty pounds. A seat belt with no car seat meant he wasn’t a baby anymore and I didn’t like it. I sighed, annoyingly shaking my head back and forth, but not at Quinn. With both thumbs on my phone and my knee on the steering wheel, I texted him back, unbelieving of him doing this. Again…
Atlantis- OMG, Danny. You did not tell me we were hosting a cookout tonight. I’m on my way to take Quinn to T-Ball.
Danny- Seriously, Atlantis? You know to look at my schedule. I’m a little busy here. You know…making the living for all of us. I don’t think you working around my schedule is asking too much. What’s the big deal? We don’t get off until six. It’s three…
“Quinton Ryle Kennedy. Get in that seat belt right now.”
“Hey, where’s my bag?”
I growled in annoyance at him now, too. We were already late and he suddenly realized he didn’t have his glove. “It was on the bench by the door. You were supposed to grab it.”
“I think I forgot.”
“Ugh, Quinn,” I groaned through the mirror, making an illegal U-turn while messaging my ridiculous husband back. He always did this. I didn’t even want company. The girls were with their grandparents from their mom’s side, and I was looking forward to a quiet weekend without them. A Disney movie with Quinn and a nice glass of wine, maybe. Not a barbeque with people I didn’t even want to hang out with.
Atlantis- Fine, Daniel. Whatever. At least tell me what you want me to get from the store and I’m not running all the way over to Stan’s to get—
I gasped when my body jolted to life, fighting for air I couldn’t find. It took a few blinks and a couple deep breaths for me to realize I was on a dark bus and not stuck in the nightmare. My skin was damp and my hoodie felt tight and restricting on my chest; like I was being physically crushed. Shaking away the nightmare, I tried to run my fingers through my tangled hair, still fighting for air. A few moments of me sitting with my elbows on my knees were needed for me to grab my bearings. With my head held up by my hands, I stared at a tiny yellow light, illuminating the path between the seats, and tried to talk myself calm.
The old saying about it gets easier every day was true, but there was no old wise tale for the night time. It didn’t matter what I consciously thought about before I fell asleep, I couldn’t control what happened once my mind was at rest, organized by things I couldn’t control. That’s what the magic pill was needed for; something to stop the tragedy haunting my sleep.
This wasn’t a new game and I knew all too well how it was played. It was a fight I couldn’t win; a fight I didn’t bother fighting. Rather than going back to sleep where I had no guidance at all, I wobbled my way to the bathroom in the back of the bus, balancing myself with one hand on the back of the seats. I splashed what little water I could get to pump out of the sink on my face, thinking about how nice a real shower would feel.
As quietly as I could, I opened a bag of Doritos I’d picked up at the last gas station, trying to chomp without noise, the thought of a hot shower still on my mind. The showers I’d gotten used to were spent with twenty other women, and a guard on a power trip monitoring us at the door. Any shower would have been better than that dungeon.
Because there were no more stops other than for fuel, I did nap on and off the next day. I had the two seats to myself, which made it easy to be introverted and not have conversations with people I didn’t care to small talk with. The phone was turned off, so I didn’t know whether Daniel had tried to call or not, but he never did stray too far from my mind. Every time I thought about it, about what I was doing, he came to mind. Maybe that’s what kept me going, his condescending lecture about how ridiculous I was being.
My diet consisted of nothing but junk for the entire long ride and I couldn’t wait to cook in a real kitchen. Fifty-seven-hours of cookies, chips, Dr. Pepper, doughnuts, pretzels with Nutella, pickle flavored peanuts, and beef jerky. Meatloaf. That was one of the things I’d thought about to keep me going. Aunt Jo’s meatloaf was supposed to be my first meal once I’d gotten home. Daniel loved it and I hated it.
For a little more than three days, I survived on adrenaline and Oreos, heading to a future that scared the hell out of me. I was terrified, but not enough to go back. Not enough to turn around. Even if I did have to leave Tristan’s condo, I wouldn’t go back and it only took one strange girl to shove me out the door. Not only did I feel like there was no life for me there, I felt like there was no life in me there either. That’s the part that kept me going.