I woke the following morning annoyed from the noise, but not the sounds of the singing birds, or a bubbling brook. This was hammering, sawing, and whistling. Sitting up, I swiped my hair from my face, grumbling to myself. How disrespectful, I thought, searching for the time. The skew in my face relaxed when I realized it was after ten in the morning. I never slept that late, but I did have to pee.
Raising the lid on the potty at the end of the bed, I squatted, letting it flow into the plastic bowl insert, my head shaking once again. What the hell was I doing here? I asked myself for at least the fiftieth time. It wasn’t as bad as I made it out to be at all. All I had to do was dump the little bowl, rinse it with water, and put it back. Still, flushing was much simpler. The same annoyance happened when I wanted to brush my teeth, but that too was silly. Brushing my teeth with a jug of water was just as easy as if I had a sink, and once again I told myself to stop it.
Once I’d made myself as presentable as I could, I walked around the front of Tristan’s bus, finding her inside. She and her baby were sitting in one of the two bus seats left in the bus for whatever reason, and of course, she had a smile on her face.
“Good morning. Did you sleep well?”
I sat straight across from her on the edge of a seat, facing her. “I think I slept like a rock.”
“Awesome, do you want some hot tea and a muffin? There’re both for you right outside on the table.”
No, I didn’t want hot tea. I wanted coffee with cream and sugar. “Sure.”
Tristan explained to me what Tobias was doing while I sat across from her drinking hot tea, uncaring of the table that would separate us before the day was out. They were making a booth out of them. She was more excited about living in this bus than I was the first time I saw Daniel’s house. Unfortunately, as much as I tried, I couldn’t share it. How could I? She didn’t know me, she didn’t know where I’d come from, and she didn’t know all I had done in my short twenty-five years on this God forsaken planet.
The views were nice, the sound of birds over horns was nice, and they were both nice. It wasn’t that at all. I just couldn’t be this happy, go-lucky person she wanted me to be. She was the minority, not me. Regardless of how much I didn’t want to be where I was, there was nowhere else I wanted to be. Not even the fancy condo in the city I didn’t even get to experience. What was the point? What was the point in any of this?
With easy eye contact and casual laughter, Tristan and I exchanged small talk while I sipped on bitter tea I didn’t even like.
Tristan bounced her baby on her knee, laughing at him every time she stopped. His little head bobbed and his legs kicked, wanting her to keep going. “Did you set your intention for the day, or did you do that last night? Did you do your love list this morning?”
I didn’t mean to snort, but come on… The sarcasm I spoke couldn’t be helped and she was even more naive than I thought if she was serious. “You know, Tristan, my intentions have absolutely nothing to do with how my day is going to turn out, and I really don’t have anything in my life I love right now.”
Even though I kept my eyes on the muffin I was picking pieces from, I could feel the stare from her eyes. “That right? Nothing at all, huh? You can’t think of thirty things in this world you love.”
With a click of my tongue and a cocky head jerk, I snapped back. “Nope. Not one. Didn’t you say there was some work I could do in the other bus? Maybe I should just go do that today.”
Tobias stopped measuring the board in front of him when Tristan paused, warning her with a single letter. “T.”
Her fingers tapped off the tops of Baby-T’s legs, her jaw was clenched, and I was sure her nostrils were flared. She turned back, exchanging a private look with Tobias, her breath audible as she turned back to me and let it out. “Fine. Can you get Atlantis some tools to get the seats out of HER bus that she is going to love?”
Tobias attached the tape measure to his hip and strolled our way, squeezing her shoulder as he passed. With one big gulp, I swallowed the nasty tea, and followed him out to a makeshift sawhorse.
“This should be all you need. If you need help just yell.”
“Thanks, Ty.”
“No problem. She cares about you and she really does just want to help. Sometimes she’s just a little overbearing.”
I smiled, shrugging it off. “It’s fine. I’m a little snappy this morning, too.”
“Yeah, go take it out on those seats. I gotta get back to work.”
I stepped up in the bus with the four tools Tobias had given me, but I couldn’t have told you the difference between them. Except for the pry-bar, which was readily apparent. Dropping them vociferously to the first seat, I sat in the driver’s side seat, feeling guilty for being an ass to Tristan. As much as she believed she could help, I believed more that she couldn’t.
That’s how I spent my entire day, and it was just what I needed. I got pissed off more than once and took it out on a bus seat. My foot even went through the back of the one that most fought me when I took my anger out on it, kicking it over and over. Even if it wasn’t the stuck bolt that really set me off, it’s exactly what I needed to take it out on. With one last kick, the seat let loose and I tumbled over it, the wrench thing hitting me right in the forehead. I just lay there with my eyes closed, catching my breath from the psychotic episode, physically drained.
“That’s one way to do it. You okay?”
Laying there flat on my back, I opened my eyes to Tristan standing over me with a glass of lemonade and some sort of sandwich with green stuff hanging out. Famished, I sat up with a sigh, gladly taking the glass, chugging most of it in one drink.
Tristan sat beside me, leaning against the side of the bus, one foot crossing over the other one. “Wow. You’re doing this faster than Tobias did.”
I took the sandwich, unable to hide my excitement. Just what I wanted. A vegetable sandwich. “Do you have something against cheeseburgers and Pepsi?”
“Lots, but I promised Tobias I’d be nice. Let’s just say I prefer to drink the stuff naturally provided for me, and I’d just rather not turn cows into burgers.”
Sighing, I picked up my lunch. Some sort of seedy, pocket bread stuffed with fresh raw vegetables, including avocado. I hated avocados, but I loved it with the mixture of peppers, onions, lettuce, tomato, and something else I wasn’t sure of. Cauliflower maybe and yet another dressing I was sure was homemade. A mayo dressing with cucumbers maybe. Needless to say, it was amazing.
“I know you can’t see the vision here yet, Atlantis, but I have no doubt at all you will. I’m only asking one thing: Just follow the plan in the van. We don’t even have to talk about it if you don’t want. The only thing you need to do right now is focus on this bus and do the simple exercises. That’s it.”
I shook my head, chewing the food in my mouth before answering. “I just don’t see what it has to do with anything. Writing down thirty things I love in one day is impossible, let alone for thirty days. What’s that have to do with anything anyway?”
“You don’t have thirty things to love?”
“I don’t have one thing to love right now.”
“Oh, yeah? Okay, let me help you out a little. Let’s start with easy things. Things everyone loves. Butterflies, puppies, this delicious sandwich my friend Tristan made for me, I love that she made it for me, and I love that I have been given this opportunity. I love the synchronicity that brought me here. I love the waterfall I can hear in the distance, and the owl who sang me to sleep last night. I love the birds I woke to this morning and the flowers blooming in the fields. I love the fresh spring water and the organic lemons in this glass. I love that I have—.”
“Okay, okay, I get it.”
“You’re just adding one thing a day for the next thirty days, Atlantis. That’s it. Will you just try it? Please?”
“Yes. Fine, I’ll do your stupid program, but I’m not going to like it.”
Tristan stood, patting me on top of my head. “I’ll take that. If you need help finding things you love, just hit me up. I’m getting ready to head up the mountain for a walk while Baby-T is asleep. Do you want to go?”
That sounded like a lot of work, and I’d done enough of that for one day. “No, I’m going to try to get the rest of these seats out of here.”
“Okay, I’ll have Tobias put a sketch pad and some colored pencils in the van for you tonight.”
I looked up wondering why. “For what?”
“So you can sketch this thing out. Have you thought about where you want your bed?”
My eyes moved from her to the back of the bus. “Probably in the back, I guess.”
“Yeah, that’s what I think, too, but I did see one at a rally once where it was right behind the driver’s seat. Draw it out a few times. You’ll get it. Oh, did you want to go down to the thrift store? We’re going to run down to the warehouse for some tile when Baby-T wakes up.”
“Nah, I’m good.”
“Okay, I’m sure I have clothes you can wear. Even if you did put on a few pounds in a week.”
I shook my head in a not okay fashion. “Thanks. Thanks a lot, buddy.”
Tristan giggled and spun on the tips of her bare feet. “It’s fine. You were in a state of shock. I shouldn’t have let you go there without me. I knew that at the time, but I’d just gotten my guy back, and I was being selfish. I’m sorry.”
Scratching my head, I wondered once again what planet she’d come from. “That’s not being selfish. That’s doing what anyone would have done. Including me. You don’t even know me. I wasn’t expecting you to invite me along with your family. Especially after I’d just heard the whole love story.”
That brought a genuine smile to her face. “He is my love story. Keep your mind open, Atlantis. Forget all the shit you’ve been taught. It’s a bunch of bullshit. The doors are right there, ready to be opened. You just have to take the first step.”
I assured her with great conviction I had done that. “I’m here. Believe me, that’s more than a step.”
“It is and I’m so proud of you, but there’s more. There’s so much more. I feel it. I really do.”
Instead of commenting on the doors Tristan saw that I didn’t, I stood and handed her my plate. “Thanks, it really was good. I’m going to get back to work.”
After the next seat easily came out, I realized an alarming fact. All this healthy eating finally hit me and I wondered where I was supposed to do that. Tristan was gone on her walk and Tobias was painting trim, a quiet chiming music playing in the background.
“Hey, am I supposed to use the bathroom in the van?”
Luckily Tobias knew what I was talking about without having to say it. “Oh, no. You can use the bucket. Just down the bank there. I just dug a new hole.”
“Yeah, okay, great.”
Tobias chuckled. “It’s not as bad as you think. There’s a bucket of leaves right beside it. Just toss those over the top of it, so we can use the same hole for a few days.”
“Yeah, too much information. What the hell did I get myself in to?” I questioned as I stepped off the bus, my head shaking back and forth with the added craziness. Tobias was right. Twenty feet down a bank sat a bucket against a tree with some sort of soft foaming ring. With my fingers on the snap of my jeans, I looked around for eyes. A squirrel and a blue bird were the only thing I saw and they could care less. At least the bucket had a seat, and as bad as it sounded in my mind, it wasn’t at all. I actually laughed, thinking about what I must look like. The view was nice. At least I had that.
My goal every single day from that day forward was the bus. I barely talked to Tristan, but mostly because of the stupid book I hadn’t picked up again. Over the next two weeks, I lived just like I had alone in the condo back in California. Only this time there was no Netflix or pizza delivery. My junk food was replaced with meatless, healthy food, and my Netflix distraction the bus. Tristan tried to get me to talk about the design, a failed attempt to get me excited about it. It wasn’t her, not at all. We were now down to four days until October 2nd and I was doing anything I could not to think about it. Including the sound game Tristan had taught me the day I got there.
I just needed to get past October 2nd and any distraction I could find occupied my time. The bus. Even though Tristan offered, I declined the trips into town, the walks, the meditation, the yoga, and the nights by the fire. Not because I was trying to be unsociable, but because I couldn’t be sociable. I just needed to be left alone. Which she obliged. Thanks to Tobias, I’m sure. There wasn’t a whole lot more I could even do in the bus until I decided to stop pouting and go off the mountain to this charity warehouse thing. My new bus home was now seat-less and cleaner than it had been off the factory line. Even the front.
Tristan had once told me how sometimes things needed to fall apart before you could put them back together, but she wasn’t trying to get through this day. I declined her stupid cream of quinoa for breakfast that morning and went right to the bus where I hoped to be left alone. Where I could just make it through the day, trying like hell not to think about it, pretend like it wasn’t that day.
It wasn’t even noon yet and already I was looking for something more to do. The only thing I had left was to clean the windows, and that didn’t even make sense. Deciding to do it anyway, I started with the windshield and made my way around the passenger side to the back. Once again, trying not to think about it, I watched Tristan and her happy little family sitting on a blanket of pine needles. I swear I never saw two people kiss as much as those two did. Tristan nursed her baby in her arms, and Tobias sat directly in front of her, cross legged the same as Tristan. One of his fingers held the baby’s hand and the other one rubbed up and down her leg. They made me sick, but that’s not what got me.
It was the baby. It was my little Quinn. I don’t even know what happened after that. Most of it was a blur. I caught the hammer out of the corner of my eye and I went nuts on the passenger side windows of the bus. Glass shattered and the sound was intoxicating. Like a bad drug, I unleashed all my tensions on the windows. Five windows in a row had been busted out in a matter of seconds while I screamed incoherent words.
The only reason I quit was because my body was tackled to the floor by a crazy girl. Her being pregnant was probably the only reason I didn’t fight her off. Not that I had any struggle left. I cried. I cried and screamed like a little baby. Like it was happening all over again. Like I was stuck in the panic and couldn’t get out. “Why? Why my baby? I’m sorry! God, I’m sorry. I just want him back.”
“You’re okay. You’re okay, Atlantis. I got you. You’re okay.”
All I could do was wail in pain, sure it would never stop. There would be another October 2nd next year when he should have been seven, and then another one when he wouldn’t turn eight. From somewhere deep inside me came a fire I couldn’t control. I jerked away from Tristan and slid across the floor on my butt, screaming, a flood of tears running down my cheeks. “It’s not okay. It’s never going to be fucking okay. You can’t fucking fix me. I don’t even want to be fixed. Why can’t you see that? Why can’t you just leave me alone?”
“It’s okay, Tobias, you can go.”
I looked to the front of the bus at Tobias and his wide eyes, holding onto their baby.
“No, I’m good,” he said, not about to leave her with me, the now crazy one.
I laughed a wild giggle, telling him to go while pushing her away from me. “I’m fine. I’m fine. You can both go.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” Tristan countered, leaning against the side of the bus and crossing her feet again.
Wiping my ugly cry with the back of my hand, I looked up at her, my head shaking back and forth, my words quiet and accusing. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Tristan chuckled, a small smile forming on her lips. “We’re good, Ty. You can go.”
“No, you can’t. Take her with you.”
Tobias still looked a little scared, but his shoulders did relax and his words were calmer. “I got weed. Want to smoke a joint?”
I laughed again, this time for real. “Seriously?”
His head darted to the side and an unsure grin crossed his lips. “I mean, it helps me.”
“Do you have any idea how long it’s been since I smoked a joint?”
“I’ll take that as a yes. Be right back.”
Turning back to Tristan, I apologized. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. Do you want to tell me about him?”
I took a deep breath of air and crossed my legs, my fingers playing with the hem on my jeans. “Quinn. Today is his birthday. Would have been. He would have been six today. He died because I was a bad mom.”
“I doubt that.”
“I was.”
“Forget all that. How about you just tell me about Quinn? Is Quinn short for something?”
Again, I let loose. Uncontrollably ugly crying and gasping for air while trying to breathe. And once again, my friend was right there to console me, and I did. All over her shirt. Every time I thought I was okay, it happened again. Just like it had those first few days. The realization of it now hurt just as much as it had when they told me, but I didn’t think about it. I didn’t let myself think about it for this reason right here. Because I knew what would happen. Because I was afraid of it never stopping. Because I was afraid of being stuck in the panic and the pain. Because I wasn’t sure I could recover.
I hadn’t even realized Ty had come and gone until I’d quit crying for the first time and Tristan handed me the joint. My head raised from her shoulder and I took it from her hand. The last time I smoked weed was with Jaycee, over five years ago, but I was ready to try anything.
Raising my head from her shoulder, I took the little white cigarette and the lighter used for lighting grills, and moved to the other side of the bus across from her. “Quinton. He was an angel from the moment he was born. Like Baby-T. The only time he was ever fussy was if he didn’t feel well. God, I miss him so much. I don’t know how to get over this. I’m not even sure I can.”
“I’m sorry, sweetie. I can’t imagine being where you are right now. I’m not usually one to admit when I’m wrong, but I think maybe you need to call your husband. I didn’t know you lost a child. I’m so sorry.”
I breathed in, holding the smoke in my lungs. “He didn’t lose a child. I did. Quinton didn’t belong to him. I don’t know who his dad is. He was conceived the summer I lost my best friend.” Snorting while the memory crossed my mind, I took another puff. “I went a little crazy after she died.”
“Oh, well that changes things. I knew I didn’t like that guy.”
That wasn’t all I’d lost, but I didn’t want to think about that one either. Adding one more demon to the mix would only push me closer to the path of no return. The weed however did relax me, and my mind felt clearer than it had in days. The buildup of anticipation, trying not to let this exact thing happen, all for nothing, but I was glad it was there with her, and not Daniel.
“I fucking hate him. Honestly. I think I hate him.”
“Why did you marry him?”
Taking another long draw, I replied while holding in the smoke. “I don’t know. He had a business, a beautiful home, two little girls he absolutely adored. Danny was the first guy I went out with who wasn’t covered in tattoos or piercing, probably the only one with a job. I thought he was safe. I thought he would be good for Quinn and me.”
“He wasn’t?”
“Not at all. I mean, he was good to Quinn and all, but he didn’t treat him like he was his own. I was more of a convenience than a wife.”
“Yeah, that’s not love. You’ll know it when it is.”
One more hit and I put it out. “Screw that. I’m done with men.”
“I agree. That’s not what you need right now. What happened?”
I pulled my knees to my chest and bounced my head off my knees a couple times. “It was a Friday afternoon. Just a normal day, only I was happier than most weekends. My step daughters were going to their grandparents for the weekend. We were running late for tee-ball practice because we were swimming in the pool and lost track of time. I told Quinn to grab his bag on the way out the door, but I didn’t check to see that he did. After I buckled Quinn in his new booster seat, I drove out of the cul-de-sac. He wanted his window down so he could fly his plane. I don’t know what happened. A lot of things were going on at once.
Quinn escaped, I was trying to get him in the window, Daniel was texting me, my knee was on the wheel, I was trying not to roll Quinn’s arm up in the window, and then I noticed his bag wasn’t on the seat with him. I looked both ways as I came to the stop sign and did a quick U-turn. A red truck came out of nowhere and smashed the front corner on my side. Quinn was thrown from the car, but they wouldn’t let me see him. I came to, sprawled out on the road with sirens blaring in my ear.”
My head shook back and forth while I repeated the story out loud for the first time ever. “It took me three days just to get out of bed. Daniel took care of all the arrangements, but I didn’t go. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t even go to my own child’s funeral.”
“Shhh, don’t cry. If it’s any consolation, I wouldn’t either. Did you go to prison for his death?”
I swallowed away the tight lump in my throat, and answered truthfully with a nod. “Vehicular manslaughter because I was texting and driving, and child endangerment because he wasn’t in car seat.”
Tristan’s eyes narrowed and she got a look about her I hadn’t seen before. Like she was pissed, but not at me. “I hate this fucking system. It’s not about humanity or helping anyone. It’s about money and politics, one hand feeding the other one. Ugh. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I mean, who the fuck are they to punish you for anything? Gah, I’m sorry. I hate fucking politics.”
“It’s fine. They’re not my friends right now either.”
“Daniel didn’t support you, did he?”
I shrugged one shoulder, letting out a deep breath. “As much as Danny supports, I guess.”
“What does that mean?”
“Nothing, he’s just an ass.”
“Tell me. Something’s eating at you.”
“The day of Quinn’s funeral had also been used against me in court. Because I didn’t go to the funeral, I wasn’t upset enough. That’s what the prosecuting attorney argued. Anyway, the day of the funeral, Daniel tried to get me out of bed to go, telling me I wasn’t the only one who had lost someone. Only he wasn’t talking about my someone. He was talking about his. His wife who I tried so hard to replace.”
“Oh, the webs we weave for ourselves.”
“Right. I can remember at the beginning, when we first moved in together, how much I catered to him, trying to make him need me as much as I thought he needed me. I even washed his back every night, set his plate in front of him, and gave him long massages, trying to make him see he couldn’t live without me. It didn’t take long for him to agree. I was so stupid.”
“You’re not the only one. I’ve done my share of stupid.”
“But at least you had a baby with the right guy. You’ll never find another guy like that one. He’s madly in love with you.”
“And I’m madly in love with him, but I’m not innocent. Baby-T was conceived in a tent after a night of strawberry moonshine. The guy worked for my stepdad and was supposed to be there to spy on me. He’s married with a family.”
Well that shocked the hell out of me. “You’re joking?”
“Nope. Scouts honor. We’ve all done things we’re not proud of. There’s not a soul on this earth without skeletons, but you don’t have to let it define you.”
That was a lie. My skeletons followed me like a dark cloud, and I was always ready for the next hurdle. They had become a regular part of my life, and I had gotten used to looking for them. That’s not saying every one of them didn’t knock the wind out of me. They did, and I always wondered how many it would take before I was just done.
I went to bed in the van that night feeling lighter but still heavy. Mostly in my heart. Mostly for my baby boy, but that wasn’t all I thought about. Even if I was too damn stubborn to admit it, I was grateful for Tristan. Thinking about being home and having to go through this with Danny might have been that straw. The one that broke the camel’s back. Not only did I read the first day in the notebook Tristan had taken the time to write for me, I retained it and then easily set my intention for the next day, and quickly wrote thirty things I loved. She was at the top of my list. So was Tobias and all his help, their baby who, no matter what kind of mood I was in, could make me smile, the brook that sang me to sleep every night, the homey little van I loved retiring to. I even loved the bus and the solitude it allowed me. Of course, by the time I got to thirty, I was just making things up. Like the potty in the woods. I didn’t love that, but I had once.
A huge buck walked ten feet in front of me just as I was ready to squat. I stood there frozen while a buck stared me down. Not just any buck. Snow white with a fuzzy white rack. My heart beat wildly out of my chest, and my eyes remained wide the whole time, my ass bare for the entire forest to see. Unsure of whether or not he would charge, I didn’t make a sound. I just stood there with my hands out like I was balancing myself, my hands in the air by my sides. As gracefully as he walked up to me, he walked away. I loved it. It was like a sign or something, something sacred I didn’t even tell Tristan about.
I might not have been able to say I was home, but even if I never called my bus that, I would be forever grateful for Tristan. Thinking about where I would have been without her gave me anxiety, and I would be forever indebted to her. She was my Jaycee. She was my person.