Green Mountain Collection 1 by Marie Force (28)

Hannah’s lips tingled for thirty minutes after she left Nolan and the garage. That was how long it took to drive to Caleb’s parents’ home on the other side of Butler Mountain. Her emotions were taking her on a wild ride today—the excitement of her new relationship with Nolan, her despair over Homer’s loss, the lingering pain brought on by her dream about Caleb, the tinge of shame at being caught sleeping on the sofa with Nolan.

It didn’t matter that she was thirty-five years old or that she’d been married and widowed before she was thirty. All that mattered was that her parents had discovered them together long before they were ready for people to know there was something to be discovered.

With hindsight it was clear that she should’ve known better than to let him stay, even with his truck tucked in her garage, away from Butler’s prying eyes. But it had felt so damned good to be held and kissed by him, to be comforted at her time of loss by someone who’d loved her husband almost as much as she had.

There was also some guilt mixed into the emotional mess. Yes, she felt guilty for the way she’d kissed Nolan, not only last night but just now, too. She’d practically jumped all over him like a bitch in heat, rather than the respectable widow people in town knew her to be.

Respectable widow. Were there any two words that conjured a more boring image of a woman in her mid-thirties who was just figuring out that she was, in fact, still very much alive, despite her unbearable loss? What if she no longer wished to be a respectable widow? She’d grown to despise the word widow and all it conveyed.

Kissing Nolan was the most exciting thing to happen to her in years, and she couldn’t wait to do it again, even if it made her feel guilty to move on from the husband she’d planned to love forever.

As she arrived at the Guthries’ tidy Cape Cod–style home, she told herself this wasn’t the time to be thinking about moving on or other men. While she might have that option, Caleb’s parents and brother would never get to move on with someone else, because they couldn’t replace him.

A horrible thought occurred to her as she parked the SUV and turned off the engine. Was that what she was doing? Was she replacing him? The thought brought tears to her eyes for there was no replacing Caleb Guthrie. He’d been one of a kind, a bright light in all their lives who’d been taken from them far too soon. But as much as she might wish otherwise, he was gone and he wasn’t coming back. Spending time with Nolan wasn’t wrong if it made her feel happy again. Caleb would’ve wanted that for her, or at least she hoped so.

They’d never discussed what she should do if he didn’t come back from the war, because he’d absolutely refused to acknowledge the possibility that something could happen to him, which was fine with her. That kind of reality was one she had absolutely no interest in until it was thrust upon her suddenly and violently on a soft, sweet May day almost seven years ago.

This time of year always brought back the pain of that day. Every time the forsythia bloomed, she was forced to remember something she’d much rather forget. But just as she couldn’t bring him back, she also couldn’t forget the grief or the agony she’d endured for years. Maintaining that level of grief was exhausting.

She’d always been a happy person, content with the little things in life. Joy had come easily to her until Caleb’s death snuffed out the joy and everything else that made her feel young and alive. Being with Nolan made her feel joyful again. He made her feel hopeful, which was another emotion she’d done without for far too long.

A knock on her window startled her.

Her brother-in-law, Gavin, grinned at her. Since he lost the big brother he’d worshiped, his grin didn’t light up his eyes the way it used to.

Happy to see him, Hannah opened the door and let Gavin hold it for her while she gathered her bag and the item she’d brought for her in-laws.

“Caught you woolgathering,” Gavin said, kissing her cheek. Like his brother, he was tall and muscular and wore his dark curly hair much longer than their army officer father preferred. His jaw was covered in scruff, and as always, his startling resemblance to Caleb filled her with yearning.

“Good to see you, Gav.” She hugged him and held on a bit longer than she probably should have. They’d been to hell and back together and had struggled to maintain their close friendship after Caleb died. Whenever they were together, they were reminded of who was missing. “It’s been a while.”

“I know. I’m sorry. Things have been hectic.”

“Don’t be sorry. I know all about hectic.”

“I feel so awful about Homer. That news hit me like a ton of bricks when my parents called last night.”

“I’m sure it did. It was a tough night.” She glanced up at the handsome face so similar to her husband’s that she’d had trouble looking at him for a long time after she lost Caleb. “I dreamed about him reuniting with Caleb.”

Gavin crossed his arms and looked down, but Hannah saw the muscle pulsing in his cheek that gave away his raw emotions. “I bet that was some reunion.”

“Nolan suggested we do what Caleb would’ve done and have a big over-the-top Sultans funeral for Homer.”

He looked up, the smile stretching across his face so much like his brother’s that Hannah had to look away. “I love it. That’s exactly what we need to do.”

“We’re hoping to do it next weekend. You can come, right?”

“I wouldn’t miss it.”

“Good.” She hesitated before she said, “Do you think, maybe, you could say a few words about Homer and what he meant to Caleb and to the rest of us?”

“I’d be honored. Thanks for asking me.” Gavin hugged her again. “I came over to check on my folks in light of everything . . . But I gotta get back to work.” He owned a logging company that had been very successful in recent years. Caleb would be so proud of the brother who was only eleven months younger than him—his “Irish twin” as their mother had liked to say. The two of them had been as close as any two brothers could possibly be, and his grief had been difficult to bear.

“How are they?” Hannah asked, eyeing the well-kept two-story brick house with trepidation.

“Hanging in. Just like the rest of us. What else can we do?”

What else could they do indeed? “I’ll see you next weekend, Gav.”

He kissed her cheek. “I’ll be there.”

Hannah waved to him as he backed his big pickup out of the driveway and drove off. She took a deep breath of the cool early-spring air and headed for the mudroom door at the house where she’d been treated like a member of the family since the day she started dating Caleb. “Hello,” she called out, trying for a cheerful tone even though walking into that house was like a punch to the gut every single time.

“In here, honey,” Amelia called from the family room. On most days, Amelia could be found in her comfortable recliner, needlepoint or knitting needles in hand. Today, however, she gazed out the window that overlooked the mountain in the distance. “This is a nice surprise.” She raised her plump cheek to Hannah’s kiss. “You and Gav in the same afternoon.”

The walls of the family room were covered with pictures of Caleb and Gavin. A shadowbox containing Caleb’s medals was the focal point of a wall devoted to his military career. The picture of him in uniform, a fierce expression on his lean face, never failed to stir Hannah’s emotions.

“We’re both on the same wavelength.” Hannah tore her gaze from the picture she didn’t have at home. It was a painful reminder of how and why she’d lost him.

“Today hasn’t been the best day I ever had,” Amelia said.

“I had a feeling that might be the case.” She thought about the item she had in her purse that she’d intended to give Caleb’s parents, but now she wasn’t so sure.

Perceptive as always, Amelia said, “What’s on your mind, hon?”

“I’ve come from seeing Myles Johansen, and he gave me Homer’s collar. I thought you might like to have it.” She retrieved the worn brown leather collar from her purse.

Amelia’s eyes filled with tears as she took the collar from Hannah. “That’s very sweet of you. Are you sure you want to part with it?”

“I’m not really parting with it as long as you have it.”

Amelia ran her fingers over leather that had gone smooth with age. “That’s true. We’ll keep it safe and treasure it.”

Hannah shared a smile with the woman who’d been like a second mother to her. “We’ve decided to throw a big old Sultans funeral for Homer.”

“What a wonderful idea! Caleb would love that.”

“I thought so, too. We’re doing it next weekend. I hope you and Bob can come.”

“Of course we will. It’ll be so great to see everyone.”

It was always great to see everyone when the Sultans came together, but there was always someone missing, too, and that made the boisterous gatherings particularly difficult for Hannah. But she kept up the tradition because his friends had been so very important to Caleb, and she couldn’t imagine not doing it.

“Are you okay, honey? You know how Bob and I worry about you.”

“I’m sad about Homer, but it’s comforting to think of him with Caleb, wrestling and chasing balls and doing all the stuff they loved to do together.”

Amelia’s lips formed a small smile. “I’ve been thinking about that all day. How happy Caleb must’ve been to see his buddy.”

“I should get going and at least try to get some work done today,” Hannah said as she rose.

“Bob will be sorry he missed you and Gavin. He ran to the store to get something for dinner.”

“Tell him I said hello, and I’ll see you both soon.”

Amelia stood to hug Hannah, both of them holding on longer than they normally did. When Amelia pulled back from the embrace, her eyes were full of tears. “I’m so sorry, Hannah. I’m a mess today. I keep thinking it’ll get easier, but it never really does.” She swiped at the tears as if they irritated her. “I don’t have to tell you. You’re one of the few people who truly understands what it’s been like to lose him.”

“Losing Homer is bound to set us back a bit.” Hannah wished she could find a way to adequately comfort Caleb’s mom.

“No matter how much time goes by, it never gets any better. Even when I’m enjoying myself I feel guilty because Caleb is still gone. If he can’t enjoy himself anymore what right do I have to enjoy anything?”

Hannah was hit with a pang of fear over what might become of her close, warm bond with Caleb’s parents and brother when they learned she was seeing Nolan.

Would they approve? Would they be disappointed? Would they think less of her for moving on from their son? As if she’d ever truly move on . . .

“Don’t mind me.” Amelia forced a smile. “You don’t need to be weighted down by my woes. You’ve got enough of your own.”

“You can always talk to me. You know that.”

“I do, and you’re a dear. Bob and I say all the time that we never would’ve survived without you and Gavin. We couldn’t love a daughter of our own any more than we love you.”

Hannah hugged Amelia again. “I love you, too.”

The gnawing fear stayed with Hannah all the way home, growing and multiplying into full-fledged panic and regret over what she’d done with Nolan. She had no right to be with him if it could potentially hurt people she loved so dearly—people who’d certainly had enough pain and suffering for one lifetime.

She could love again, even marry again if she chose to, but they could never replace the son and brother they had lost. The loss had united the four of them over the last seven years, and they’d drawn strength from each other as they coped with their overwhelming grief. At times, Hannah had turned to them rather than her own family to get her through a tough time, and the thought of losing their respect was unimaginable.

Acutely aware of Homer’s absence in the big, lonely house, Hannah lit the fire and curled up on the sofa in the sitting room. All thoughts of work were abandoned as her brain spun out of control with worries and fears and doubts. When Cameron called, Hannah let it go to voicemail. As much as she wanted to see Cameron and dig into their project, she didn’t have it in her tonight to be cheerful or upbeat.

And when Nolan knocked on the door and called out to her, knowing she was home because her car was in the driveway, tears rolled down her cheeks as she forced herself to stay on the sofa. It was the right thing to do.

She wasn’t ready after all. Not even close.

Nolan stood outside Hannah’s door for a long time, trying to figure out what he should do. He knew she was in there, and all he could think about was how she’d left the garage in high spirits earlier after kissing him with abandon. What had happened in the hours since then? Was she upset about Homer? If so, he wanted to be there for her and help her through her grief.

Or had she changed her mind about them?

Last night, he’d opened the door and called for her when she didn’t answer, but they’d had solid plans then. Tonight, they didn’t, so he didn’t feel right going in to look for her, especially if she’d decided she wanted to be alone.

He sat on the porch, his feet on the stair below, and ran his hand over his freshly shaved face, feeling like a fool now for the way he’d rushed home to shower and shave before he came to her. And he’d blown off yet another meeting with his racing team to see her tonight.

After several minutes of contemplation, he got up from the porch and went to his truck, where he kept a cell phone for emergencies when out on road calls. Sometimes it had service, but most of the time it didn’t. He hoped for a miracle as he powered up the phone and searched for Hannah’s number in his contacts. The phone rang and rang before her voicemail picked up.

“Hey, Hannah, it’s me Nolan.” Could he sound any stupider? He cleared his throat. “I’m outside, and I’m worried about you. Anyway, well, I’ll try you again later.”

Shaking his head at the lame message, he found Hunter’s work number in the contacts. Even though Hunter was about the last person Nolan wanted to speak to after their confrontation earlier in the day, he was the one Hannah would most want if something had happened to upset her.

“This is Hunter.” He sounded brusque and busy and maybe a bit frazzled.

“It’s Nolan.”

“Oh hey. I didn’t recognize the number.”

“I never use this phone. I’m at Hannah’s. Her car is in the driveway, but she’s not answering.”

“Did it occur to you that she’s not answering because she doesn’t want to see you?”

Nolan held back the flash of anger that ripped through him. “Yeah, it occurred to me, except the last time I was with her, she very much wanted to see me, if you catch my drift.”

“I’d rather not catch your drift, if it’s just the same to you.”

“Hunter, I’m worried about her. I don’t know what to do. She’s been in a better place lately, or so it seemed, and now with Homer and everything . . . I’m worried.”

“I’ll be right there.”

“Thanks.” Nolan returned the phone to the glove box and was leaning against the truck when Hunter pulled up a few minutes later in the tricked out silver Lincoln Navigator SUV that was so him. Hunter Abbott was a classy dude, right down to the soles of his Italian leather loafers. He’d always been a little too good for their Podunk town, not that he put on airs or anything like that. He was just a cut above the rest of them.

Nolan pushed off his truck and went over to meet Hunter. “I’ll take off now that you’re here.”

“Don’t go yet.”

“Why not?”

Hunter jammed his hands in the pockets of his coat and eyed the big gray and blue Victorian with an air of trepidation. “Whatever’s going on, it might help to have you here.”

“Why?” Nolan wasn’t intentionally trying to irritate Hunter. He honestly had no idea where Hunter was going with this line of reasoning.

Hunter continued to stare at Hannah’s big dark house. “When she came out of your office today, she was smiling in a way I haven’t seen in a very long time.” He pulled his gaze off the house and looked at Nolan. “I liked seeing her that way.”

“What way?”

“Happy. Lighthearted. Young. We’re still young, you know? She’s been through so damn much. I want her to be happy again, and if you make her happy . . . Just stay, would you?”

As if he’d ever leave after hearing that. “Yeah.”

Hunter nodded and went up the walkway to the stairs. Unlike Nolan, he didn’t knock. Rather he went right in and closed the door behind him.

Nolan returned to his perch against his truck, resigned to wait for as long as it took. He wasn’t going anywhere.