Green Mountain Collection 1 by Marie Force (36)

Hannah drank in her first look at Nolan’s bare chest, which was as finely built as it seemed through his clothes. He had muscles everywhere, and suddenly the view of the top half wasn’t enough. With her hands on his shoulders, she urged him to lie back on the rug in front of the hearth.

“Hannah . . .” He sounded tense and almost hesitant.

“Please? I want to look at you.”

Blowing out a deep breath, he stretched out and watched her warily as she looked to her heart’s content at dark chest hair, well-defined muscles in his shoulders, chest and belly as well as the enticing V-cut over his hip bones that dropped off into his jeans.

“Do you think less of me for wanting to kiss and lick those incredible abs?”

His nervous laughter made her smile. “Um no, definitely not.” He combed his fingers through her hair. “Do anything you want, Hannah. I’m all yours.”

She began with her hands flat against his pectorals, smoothing her palms over his chest and ribs to his belly, watching in stunned amazement as his erection lengthened under well-worn denim. She wanted to touch him there, too, but she didn’t dare. Not yet anyway.

His heart beat hard under her hands as he watched her every move with sexy, half-closed eyes.

Hannah bent over him and left a path of kisses along his collarbone before moving down to run her tongue over his nipple, which drew a sharp gasp from him as his hands fisted her hair. “Does it feel good or bad?”

“Good,” he said through gritted teeth. “So damned good.”

Pleased with his reaction, she did it again before moving to the other side. He sucked in a sharp breath, which created a gap in his jeans and exposed the crown of his penis. She couldn’t take her eyes off the sight of his straining, weeping cock, which got bigger before her eyes.

“Hannah,” he groaned. “Touch me. Please touch me.”

He didn’t have to ask her twice. She tugged on the button to his jeans and carefully and slowly unzipped him. When she hesitated, he took her hand and placed it over his erection, pressing down from above.

“Yes,” he whispered harshly as he moved his hand over hers, setting the pace and showing her what he liked. With his free hand, he brought her down to him, sucking her tongue into his mouth with a frenzied level of need he’d never shown her before.

She loved it. She loved the way his hips rose and fell against her hand, the way his hand gripped the back of her head to keep her anchored to him. She loved the all-consuming way he seemed to want her.

All at once, he slowed the pace of their hands over his cock. “Stop or I’m going to come.”

She wanted nothing more than to give him some of the same pleasure he’d given her, so she brushed his hand aside, dipped her fingers under the waistband of his black boxer briefs and curled her hand around his thick erection.

His groan of pleasure thrilled her and fired her own desire as she stroked him gently but rapidly.

“Hannah . . . Oh God, Hannah . . .” He came hard, his eyes closed and his head thrown back in complete abandon.

She loved seeing him like that and knowing she’d given him such exquisite pleasure.

His breathing was harsh and uneven as he opened his eyes and met her gaze. “Wow.”

Hannah smiled at him as she reached for a box of tissues on the coffee table and wiped his belly. When she was done, she tossed the tissues into the fire and curled up to him.

His arms came around her, his hand slipping under the hem of her sweater to rest against her back.

“I’m feeling kind of warm, too,” she said, hoping he’d get the hint that she wasn’t ready to call it a night just yet.

“Are you?” He lifted her sweater from behind, and Hannah sat up a bit to help him raise it over her head, leaving her in only the barely-there bra she’d worn with him in mind.

His hungry gaze traveled over her torso before focusing on the swell of her breasts above the bra. He shifted so she was lying on her back and he was hovering above her, looking down at her as if trying to decide where he wanted to touch her first.

She helped him along by tugging him into another heated kiss.

As his tongue rubbed against hers, his hand moved from her belly to the front clasp of the bra, which he released and pushed aside, baring her breasts and making her tremble with anticipation and desire.

“Is this okay?” he asked as he cupped her right breast and ran his thumb over the nipple.

“Yes,” she said, arching her back to get closer to him.

“I want to feel your skin against mine,” he whispered, arranging her so she was on her side facing him, her breasts snug against his chest. “God, that’s amazing. You feel so good.” With his hand on her ass, he aligned their bodies and let her know he was already hard again.

Hannah couldn’t get close enough to him. The friction of his chest hair against her tight nipples felt so incredible, but she wanted more. She needed relief from the torturous ache between her legs. And then he was kissing her neck and throat, making his way down her body as he eased her onto her back and kissed the upper part of her breasts.

On his knees now, he cupped her breasts and bent his head to worship her breasts with his mouth, driving her slowly out of her mind even before he sucked her nipple into the heat of his mouth.

She cried out from the sharp pleasure of his lips and tongue on her nipple while holding his head tight against her chest so he couldn’t get away. More, more, more . . . The drumbeat of desire beat loud in her chest and between her legs where the throb became ever more insistent.

He switched to the other side, but pinched the first nipple between his fingers as he sucked on the other one. At that moment, she would’ve given him anything he asked of her, regardless of where they were or what had come before. She would’ve given anything to ease the ache.

“Hannah,” he whispered as he kissed his way to her belly. “We have to stop or we won’t be able to.”

The thought of stopping made her moan. “Not yet.”

He rested his forehead on her belly and took a couple of deep breaths. Then he released the button on her jeans and unzipped her, tugging the jeans down over her hips. Waiting to see what he would do next, her thighs quivered and the throb intensified. His hand covered her sex over the silk panties that matched the bra. Lying before him all but naked, Hannah expected to feel self-conscious or shy, but the overwhelming desire left no room for any other emotion.

He kept his hand still as he bent to lave at her nipple again, sucking harder this time as he let the heat of his hand permeate the thin scrap of fabric covering her.

She grasped his hips, working her hands inside his jeans to push them down.

Sliding his hand inside her panties, he worked one finger into her as he continued to punish her nipple with his lips and teeth.

Hannah teetered on the verge of explosive release, which detonated the second he touched her throbbing clit. And then he was kissing her again, ravenously, deeply, as his fingers coaxed a series of trembling aftershocks from her heated core.

“I want you,” she whispered. “I don’t want to wait.”

“Hannah . . . You need to be sure.”

“I am sure. We could go to your place . . .”

He released a shaky breath as he came down on top of her, settling into the V of her legs with only two pairs of underwear between them and what Hannah wanted more than the next breath. “No, not there. Tomorrow night we’ll go somewhere for the weekend. Somewhere far away from here.”

She ran her hands over his back. “People will talk if we run away together.”

“They’re already talking.”

“Don’t you have to work?” She knew the garage was open six days a week.

“Yeah, but I haven’t taken a full weekend off in years. Skeeter will cover for me. I hope.”

“Are we really going to do this?”

He raised his head to meet her gaze. “That’s up to you. I’d wait forever if that’s what it took to make sure you’re comfortable and ready.”

She smoothed the hair back from his face. “I’m as ready as I’m ever going to be, and as long as it’s you, I know I’ll be comfortable. Well, I’ll probably be pretty uncomfortable before I’m comfortable, but that’s kind of the idea, right?”

Nolan laughed and shook his head. “You’re out to kill me, aren’t you?”

“Most definitely not.”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“You were teasing, and I knew it.”

He kissed her again, softly and sweetly, his eyes locked on hers. “I should go before we forget all about our plans for tomorrow.”

She put her arms and legs around him, anchoring him in place on top of her. “Don’t go yet.”

Nolan finally left at three, but not before they’d aroused each other to the point of climax once again. Left feeling needy and hungry for more, Hannah was awake for hours, over-thinking everything, especially the decision they had made to go away for the weekend.

She was ready. She’d meant it when she told him that, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t nervous, too. Sex was a big step in any relationship, but particularly so in the first significant relationship after losing a spouse. Even though she and Nolan had only been a couple for a short time, they’d been friends for most of their lives and the closeness they had shared over the years had created a deeper bond than she would’ve had with someone else so soon.

Something Charley said kept running through her mind: Get the first time over with so you can stop obsessing about it. While she didn’t always agree with Charley’s approach to things, she couldn’t disagree with her logic in this case.

Another thing nagged at her as she made her first cup of coffee in the morning, and that was Nolan’s outright dismissal of her suggestion that they go to his place. Why had he been so quick to say no to that? When she thought about it, she realized she’d never been to his home, even when they were kids. Their entire friendship had transpired between school, the garage, her parents’ home, the Guthries’ home and the house she’d shared with Caleb.

Because he didn’t talk about his family—ever—no one really knew much about him beyond the fact that he’d been raised by his grandfather, Nolan Roberts Sr., who’d owned the garage and passed it down to Nolan when he retired. Beyond that, Hannah knew nothing about where he’d come from or what had become of his parents. She wondered if he would maybe share that with her someday.

She read some more of Caleb’s journals, taking the time to savor his words about the war and the men he served with. Then she spent the rest of the morning in her studio, working on some new designs and other busy work intended to keep her mind occupied. Luckily, the rest of the Abbotts must’ve been busy, too, because her usual stream of visitors didn’t materialize that day, which was just as well. She wasn’t in the mood for lighthearted sibling banter when she had a weekend away to plan for.

With that in mind, she broke at lunch to take a hot bath and shave her legs and other critical areas. She washed and dried her hair and packed a bag for two nights away, tossing in a silk nightgown and robe Charley had given her for Christmas two years ago. Hannah had long ago gotten rid of the lingerie she’d owned when Caleb was alive as it was too painful to confront those memories every time she opened her dresser drawers.

She’d also moved out of the master bedroom and into one of the smaller bedrooms that she had redecorated to match her own style rather than that of his late grandmother. Sleeping every night in the bed she’d shared with him was another thing that was too difficult after he was gone. It had quickly become clear to her that if she was going to keep the house they’d both loved, she had to make some changes to protect her sanity. Switching bedrooms had helped.

With her bag packed, she sat on the bed and reached for the phone to call her mother. It wouldn’t occur to her to leave town for a couple of days and not tell her parents she was leaving. They worried enough about her without her giving them extra reason.

“Hi, honey,” Molly said when she answered. “I was just thinking about you.”

“What about me?”

“Oh this and that. Wondering mostly how you’re doing without Homer.”

“It’s quiet without him, but I’m doing okay.”

“You should think about getting another dog. You’ve always loved having pets.”

“I will. In a while.”

“When you’re ready.”

Speaking of ready . . .“So I wanted to let you know I’ll be away for a few days.”

“Where you going?” her mother asked, more out of interest than any nosiness. Molly Abbott liked to know what was going on with her children, but she also knew when to give them their space.

“Away with Nolan for the weekend.”

A long pause was the only indication her mother gave that she was at all surprised. “That sounds like fun. Where you headed?”

“We’re not sure yet.” They’d decided to get in the truck and drive until they found a place they wanted to stop. “Will you let Hunter know where I’ll be? I don’t feel like talking it to death right now, and he’d want to do that.”

“I’ll tell him. Do you want to talk about it at all, Han?”

“Sort of but not really,” she said with a nervous laugh that made her mom laugh, too.

“It’s nice to hear you laugh again.”

“It’s nice to have a reason to laugh.”

“Things with Nolan have moved somewhat quickly, no?”

“Sort of, but we’ve known each other so long. It’s not like starting from scratch with someone new. There’s a lot of history there.”

“That’s true. He’s a wonderful young man. You know we’ve always loved him.”

“Yes,” she said softly. Her mother’s endorsement meant everything to her.

“You’re okay about everything that might happen this weekend?”

“I guess we’ll see, won’t we?”

“I’m only a phone call away if you need me.”

“I know. Thank you for that and a million other things. I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through everything without you and Dad.”

“Oh Hannah. You got us through it, and you don’t even realize that, do you? That same strength is going to see you through whatever comes next, too.”

Hannah closed her eyes against the burn of tears. “I’ll call you when I get home.”

“I’ll look forward to that. I want you to relax and enjoy yourself and not worry about anything. You’ve earned the right to be happy.”

“Thanks, Mom. Love you.”

“Love you, too, honey.”

Hannah clicked off the phone and returned it to the cradle. Curling up on her bed, she stared at the letter from Caleb on the table. It suddenly became clear to her that before she took this monumental step with Nolan, she had to make peace with the past and leaving that letter unread would mean leaving unfinished business behind. She wanted a clean slate before she left with Nolan, and there was only one way to get that.

Frightened of a setback and anxious as all hell, she sat up and reached for the envelope, holding it tight against her chest. “Please, Caleb . . . Please help me to let go. Please give me the strength to move forward without you, to love again, to take chances. Please help me . . .”

Breaking the seal on the envelope, her hands trembled, and she was moved by the fact that he’d once touched the paper she now held in her hands. Through a sea of tears, she began to read . . .

My darling Hannah,

If you’re reading this letter, then the worst possible thing has happened, and I have to admit I was wrong about something. You know how I hate to be wrong.

Hannah laughed through her tears at the true statement. Caleb Guthrie had never been wrong about anything. Ever.

When I came here, I honestly believed it would be only a matter of time before I was back with you, where I belong. It never occurred to me that anything would actually happen to me, so I fear I have failed to adequately prepare you for the worst thing. I’m sorry for that, my love. One of my friends asked me if I’d written to my wife, just in case, and when I told him I hadn’t, he encouraged me to do it. To not do it, he said, would be terribly unfair to you. Since he made a good point, here I am trying to write a letter that you’ll only see if I’m dead. Kind of weird, to say the least!

After all these damnable deployments, one thing is very clear to me: Nothing is right in my world unless you’re sleeping next to me. I have this sneaking suspicion you feel the same about me. So it pains me greatly to imagine a time when I will have broken the amazing bond we shared and forced you to move forward without me. I’m sorry for that, too.

On many a day, I wish I’d chosen Door Number 2 and gone the hockey route so I wouldn’t have to be away from you for such long periods of time. It’s so much harder than I ever thought it would be to spend even one day without hearing your voice, touching your soft skin or having your gorgeous brown eyes look at me with everything from true love to utter vexation. I yearn for you, Hannah, almost every second of every day. I long to make love with you. I dream about you and how it feels to lose myself in you.

Hannah took a pause to mop up her tears and to absorb the shock of realizing he’d had regrets about joining the army, that he’d ached for her the exact same way she’d ached for him—and continued to ache for him to this day.

So much of our life has been focused on my goals—when I was playing hockey and since I’ve been in the army. It wasn’t lost on me that sometimes your goals got overlooked in the shuffle as you supported me with your special brand of unwavering strength.

Now it’s your turn, and I want you to do one more very big thing for me. I want you to love again. I want you to share that wonderful, amazing, generous heart with someone else. Being the arrogant jackass that I am, I also want you to always remember the incredible life we had together. But I’d never want those memories to imprison you. So I’m setting you free. I’m begging you to go have the magical life you deserve, full of love and happiness and joy. Please don’t let my death steal those things from you. That would be the ultimate tragedy.

Keep in mind that I’m alive and well as I write these words, so the idea of you with another guy makes me want to commit murder. But the thought of you spending the rest of your life alone while you mourn for me would be so much worse. Please don’t do that . . .

I also don’t want you to be saddled with that big old house if you don’t want it anymore. If my parents and Gavin aren’t interested, do whatever you want with it. Sell it if that is best for you. I would totally understand if it’s too much for you to manage on your own. And if you wouldn’t mind, take particularly good care of Homie for me for as long as he’s got left. Other than you, he was my very best friend, and I know you’ll love him enough for both of us.

In case you had any doubt whatsoever, YOU are the love of my life. And you were right—as always. We should’ve talked about this shit at some point. I’m sorry I had to leave you, Hannah, but I’ll never be far from you. I love you always, and I’ll see you again someday.

Caleb

PS: Please don’t be mad at my mom for holding on to this until she felt it was time for you to have it. I told her to wait as long as it took, years if necessary, and to only give it to you when it seemed you were ready. I hoped by then you might be more able to do what I’ve asked of you. Love you so much, babe. More than you’ll ever possibly know.

Hannah wiped the flood of tears from her face and clutched the letter to her chest, careful not to let tears smear precious ink. He’d given her exactly what she needed along with the uniquely Caleb humor and arrogance she’d missed so much.

Reading the letter was like spending time with him again, and if she’d come upon it years ago, the “sound of his voice” in the letter would’ve been too painful to bear. One of the things people had said to her repeatedly in the weeks after he died was that time would heal her broken heart. Back then, she’d thought that was the stupidest thing she’d ever heard. How could time make losing her young husband better? And what if she didn’t want her heart to heal?

But those seemingly insensitive people had been exactly right. Time had dulled the ache and softened the initial blow. Against all odds, her heart had healed. It might never be entirely whole again, but it was no longer shattered beyond all repair. The time she’d spent with Nolan had shown her she was capable of loving again, but it had taken years to get there.

While she’d long ago accepted that the grief would always be with her, it wasn’t the only emotion she was capable of feeling anymore. She’d come to understand that allowing in other, more productive emotions wasn’t a betrayal of Caleb or the life they’d had together. It was about survival. It was about life marching forward when you thought it couldn’t possibly go on without the one person you’d loved the most.

After reading the letter again, slowly this time to fully absorb every word, she cried for all they had lost, for the life they wouldn’t get to share, for the children they’d never get to have, for the days, weeks, months and years that Caleb had been robbed of, for the glorious winter days he should’ve been skiing on Butler Mountain, for the crisp autumn nights he would’ve spent by the fire pit with his beloved Sultans, for the bright summer sunsets he’d never see again, for all the spring awakenings to come without him and for the sweet, precious time they should’ve had together.

She cried until no tears were left, until her eyes ached and the pillow under her was soaked. And at some point during the firestorm, she finally said good-bye to Caleb in a way she hadn’t before. His words had accomplished what he’d hoped they would. She would love and miss him forever, but he’d set her free to make room in her heart for a new love.

Hannah returned the pages to the envelope and tucked it into the bag she’d packed for the weekend, intending to share the letter with Nolan because she knew it would mean everything to him to have Caleb’s blessing of their relationship. Then she went into the bathroom to dry her eyes and wash her face.

Nolan would be here soon, and she was excited about their time away together, even more so now that she knew for certain she was doing exactly what Caleb had wanted her to do.

He had indeed given her a precious gift with that letter, and she would treasure it always.