I sit in my living room staring at my packed bag, wondering if I’m in a living nightmare.

“Wake up,” I say, squeezing my eyes shut, but when I open them again the bag is still there and I’m still running late.

“Shit.”

I lean back on my couch and sigh. I know I need to get up and get to the airport, but the idea of meeting Aaron there this early in the morning makes me want to puke a little bit.

Okay, that’s not fair, the pregnancy makes me want to puke a little bit, but that’s normal.

I don’t know why I’m dreading this do much. The past week has been a confusing whirlwind of planning and working closely with Aaron as we made some calls ahead of time to set everything up. He’s passionate and smart and when he’s actually working, he’s working hard. I actually found it pretty fun sitting in that conference room with him, making jokes and making calls and getting our shit done to prepare for this asinine trip. And I think that’s the real problem.

I shouldn’t want to be around him. I’m pregnant with his baby, my brother’s old friend, the asshole that’s forcing me on this trip. I shouldn’t get giddy when I think about spending two months with him on the road. I shouldn’t feel excited to sleep in a hotel room right next to his. I definitely shouldn’t get turned on when I imagine him sneaking into my room in the middle of the night to…

I’m so stupid. I want to give this baby up for adoption, but the more attached I get to him, the harder it’s going to be. I’m only hurting myself with this bullshit.

I think that’s the real problem. It’s not that I hate Aaron, although I do hate him, at least a little bit.

It’s that I’m terrified I’m going to have a good time, and then I’ll never want to leave him. If that happens, who knows what I’ll be giving up? I’m trying so desperately to hold on to my old image of myself, but that image is changing ,and it’s changing fast.

I stand up, breathing fast, my heart beating quickly in my chest. I shake my head and walk into the kitchen to get a glass of water. I need to order an Uber and head out before it’s too late, but I can’t make myself do it. I want to run away so badly it almost hurts.

I don’t know what to do. Almost automatically, I get out my phone and call the only person I think might understand.

Davis answers on the fourth ring, sleep clear in his voice. “Riley?”

“Hi,” I say. “I’m sorry, I know it’s early.”

“It’s like… Jesus, five? This is ass-crack of dawn early. What’s going on?”

“I’m really sorry,” I tell him, “but I didn’t know who else to call.”

I hear him grunt and sit up in bed, or at least I think that’s what he’s doing. “What’s the matter, Riles?”

I quickly rattle off everything that’s happened lately, focusing mainly on this business trip and my very confused feelings about the whole thing. Davis listens as I go off for like five minutes before he finally speaks up.

“You’re making a mistake.”

I blink, surprised by that. “But you’re listening, right? I mean, Aaron’s treating me nice but I don’t want this baby and he does and—”

“You have to go,” Davis interrupts.

I blink, surprised. “Really?”

“Jesus, Riles, two percent of profits off this thing? That’s huge, that’ll change your life. Who cares if you have to deal with Aaron for two months? It’s temporary, but imagine what you can do with all that money, the life you can lead. You can never see him again if you don’t want to, quit that job and never work again, I don’t know.”

“Yeah, the money’s tempting,” I say, a little disappointed. It’s not just about money and he has to see that.

He sighs, though. “And you owe it to yourself to see if this thing with Aaron is real.”

“What? Real? I don’t…” I’m stuttering, I realize.

He laughs a little. “Look, I don’t love that he got you pregnant, but clearly there’s something between you two. Go on this trip and find out if it’s real. You don’t have to keep the baby, but maybe you want to keep him around.”

“It’s not so simple,” I say. “If I keep him, I’m keeping the baby. He wants to raise it.”

“Well,” he says, sighing, “shit, this is too damn complicated for five in the morning.” He laughs again. “Just fucking go, Riles. You can always come back home early if you want.”

“Yeah, I’m not stuck with him, right? I can leave whenever I want.”

“Exactly.” Davis sighs. “Now go, you’re probably late. And don’t fucking call me this early ever again.”

“Thanks, Davis. You’re a good brother.”

“I know.” He hangs up and I smile to myself as I slip my phone back into my bag.

I stand there surveying my apartment. I’m going to be away from it for a little while, so this is like a last look for me. “I don’t even love this place that much,” I grumble to myself as I order an Uber and lug my bags downstairs.

Aaron’s waiting for me at the gate. He checks his watch as I sit down next to him, but he doesn’t say anything. I cut it so close that they’re already boarding first class.

“Glad you’re here,” he says finally, and I look at him.

“Yeah, me too.” I grin despite the roiling, confused mess in my gut. “Let’s go sell some solar panels.”

“Fuck yes,” he says, a little too loudly. A few people look over at him, but he doesn’t seem to care.

That’s the sort of stupid charming confidence I wish I had, but is so incredibly appealing in him. Somehow he manages to make everything seem effortless, like he’s not embarrassed at all to curse loudly in an airport if he wants to. He lives his life doing what he wants to do, and I’m jealous of that.

Maybe that’s not entirely true. I realize that I don’t know what he actually wants to do, just what he’s been doing. I assume I know him already, but that’s not fair. If I think I’m too complex for him to figure out so quickly, then the same can be said for him.

He’s definitely an asshole, but I need to give him a big fat break. I’m on this trip, for better or worse, and I’m going to make the best of it. No matter what happens, I can always just leave if I need to, but sitting here next to Aaron waiting to get on our early morning flight, I don’t think I’m going to want to. Just being around him makes me feel giddy with excitement. His enthusiasm is infectious.

“They’re calling us,” he says, standing and looking down at me. “You ready?”

“Ready, boss.” I stand up and he grins, handing me a ticket.

I follow him into line, not knowing what’s coming, but trying to face it with honesty and optimism.

Who knows, maybe the asshole will surprise me and this will all be worth it. Or maybe I’ll waste two months. Only one way to find out.