Amelia
I run my palm through the tall grass as I walk toward the trees that ring Noah’s property. He left about an hour ago, and he’ll probably be home pretty soon, but it feels too good being out in the open. I don’t want to head back inside just yet.
I reflect that it’s the first time I’m truly free, possibly in my entire life. I could easily go get the keys to the van and leave this place. I believe him when he says that he won’t follow me and that I’m free to do as I please now. So far, he hasn’t lied to me at all, and he follows through with everything he promises.
Even when I was locked in his basement, he still treated me well. He gave me that bathroom, even though it was risky for him, and he gave me stuff to read. He gave me the mattress, more blankets, and he fed me well. Even when he clearly didn’t know what to do with me, he still treated me like a person.
That’s more than I can say my father ever did. Back when I was a prisoner in my father’s house, he didn’t treat me like a human at all. My father treated me like a piece of garbage that he could use and abuse, even when I was a child.
It was harder living with my father than it is living with Noah. That’s maybe a little crazy, since Noah is a serial killer and my kidnapper, but it’s the truth. Every step of the way, Noah has been honest with me. Of course, it helps that I’m so attracted to him.
I smile to myself as I reach the tree line. I press my calm against the closest trunk, feeling its smooth roughness. I trace the lines between the pieces of bark with my fingers tips and remember the way Noah took my body after I killed Sheer.
It was rough and it was passionate. It was like we were both transported somewhere else. I felt like a completely different person, powerful and in charge but also filled with an overwhelming desire that I’ve never experienced before.
I thought that desire would go away in the morning, but it hasn’t. I can still feel an ache inside of me, a hunger for Noah. I want his touch so badly that I can barely control myself. It’s absurd and silly, but it’s seriously a part of me now, driven deep into my very core.
I walk into the tree line, something that had been forbidden to me before, and I smile. No alarms go off. Nothing bad happens. I know that if I keep walking, I’ll eventually find a road or a house or some sign of civilization outside of Noah’s property. I can keep going as far as I want from there, because I’m free. Noah gave me my freedom.
That’s more than my father ever gave me. Rick only ever gave me bruises and heartache.
I lean up against a tree, smiling to myself. I look up and notice Noah’s car coming up the long dirt driveway, sending dust up into the air behind it. I watch as he parks, climbs out, and walks into the house. I smile to myself, and I know that he’s probably looking for me. I don’t know if he’ll be worried when he doesn’t find me, but it also doesn’t matter.
He won’t be angry. He can’t be. I’m free now.
I push up off the tree and start walking back toward the house. It’s a beautiful day and I feel good, better than I have in a long, long time.
He comes out the back door as I’m halfway back toward the house. I can’t help but smile as he approaches me, a shiver running down my spine. Noah is gorgeous, tall, and muscular, the kind of man I never thought I’d have. He’s powerfully built and intense as he walks through the grass toward me.
As I get closer, I realize that his face is very serious. I slow down and stop as his eyes meet mine and I realize that something is troubling him.
“Amelia,” he says as he gets close enough. “I need your clothes.”
I cock my head to the side, eyes wide, a small smile playing at my lips.
“Right here, out in the open?” I ask. “Okay. If that’s what you want.”
I go to take my shirt off but he holds up a hand. “Wait,” he says. “It’s not like that.”
I let the hem of my shirt drop. “What’s it like, then?”
“I went into the city to talk with Ryan earlier.”
“I know.”
He sighs. “Apparently, somebody saw what you did to Sheer. The cops are looking for you.”
Fear jolts me. I take a step away from him, my eyes wide. “The cops are looking for me?”
“I don’t know if they have a good description of you yet. But we need to ditch my van and burn the clothes we wore last night. It might help to cut our hair and dye it, too.”
I stare at him, but the words barely sink in. I can’t believe what he’s saying to me.
I thought we got away. Nobody said anything at the time and he seemed confident that we were fine. The idea of the police finding me never once crossed my mind, but clearly that was a mistake. They’re coming after me, and they’re going to take this freedom away.
All because of him. I’m going to get thrown into another cage. My whole life is one cage after another.
I start to suck in deep breaths as I turn away from him. I stumble away and he says something to me, but I barely hear him. All I can see is myself in a cage for the rest of my life. All I want is to be free to do what I wish, but the police will take that away from me. If it isn’t my father, it’s Noah, or it’s the cops. Someone is always trying to shove me into a cage.
“Amelia!” I stumble forward as Noah catches up with me. “Hey, are you okay?”
I try to shove him away, but he’s a brick wall. He grabs me, pulling me against him, and I just start to fight. I can’t be restrained, not right now, not like this.
I won’t lose my fucking freedom again. I won’t rot in a cage. I won’t live my life between concrete walls waiting for the day that I finally die.
“Amelia,” he says and I suddenly realize that his arms are wrapped firmly around me. I’m struggling against him, trying to get away, but he just holds me, saying my name over and over.
I suddenly come back to myself. I feel so foolish and stupid. I can’t help it as I break down and tears flood my eyes.
“It’s okay,” he says. “It’s okay, Amelia. I have you. It’s okay.”
“They’re going to shove me in a box to rot and die,” I say to him.
He shakes his head. “No. Never. I told you, you’re free now. I won’t ever let them take you.”
“I’ll always be a captive. Always. Somehow.”
He holds me tightly, stroking my hair as I sob. It feels good to cry, even though I feel so stupid. Slowly I calm down and come back to myself.
I don’t know what the hell that was. I just started freaking out and panicking. The only thing I could think about was getting away, running away. I know Noah isn’t going to hurt me or let the cops have me, but in that moment I wanted to get the hell away from him. It scared me, frankly, the way I so violently reacted to everything.
“I’m sorry,” I say finally. “I don’t know what happened. I . . . I just freaked out.”
“I understand,” he says softly, letting me go. “This is hard.”
“It’s all just happening so fast.”
“I know. I’m sorry about that.” He takes my shoulders and looks into my eyes. “But believe me when I say that I won’t let anything happen to you.”
“Okay,” I say, nodding. “I believe you.”
“Good.” He watches me for a second, almost like he’s afraid I’m going to try to run away again. “Come on. I need your clothes. We can change back at the house.”
I nod again and let him lead me back. I hold his hand loosely, staring down at my feet and feeling like a stupid child. I’ve never freaked out like that before, and it makes me worried.
What if I really am going insane?
I let him take me upstairs and undress me. Once I’m naked, I get into the shower. He leans up against the sink and looks at the floor for a minute.
“I’ll be back soon,” he says. “I’m going to burn this stuff then ditch the van.”
“Okay.”
“You’ll be fine here alone?”
“I’ll be fine.”
He nods and looks away. The concern is obvious. Maybe he thinks I’m going crazy, too.
Eventually Noah leaves, and I’m alone in the shower. I let the water wash over me and eventually I sit down on the shower floor, knees to my chest.
The police are looking for me because I’m a murderer. I murdered a man. And now I live in the house of another murderer, a serial killer with a lot of experience.
How did I end up here?
All of that is bad, But the worst part is, I’m not done killing. I know it deep down inside of me. I’m not done hurting the people that prey on the weak. People like my father. I saw his face when I killed Sheer, and I know I’ll see his face many, many more times if I keep killing.
I can’t stop. I don’t want to stop. There is too much at stake, and it makes me feel too good.
I don’t know if I can risk my freedom, though. The idea of getting thrown into another cage makes me want to tear my hair out and scream. Noah is good to me, but even he can’t protect me if something truly horrible goes wrong. He’s been doing this for too long to let some idiot girl ruin it for him.
I’m just a liability. I don’t want to be, but it’s true. I have no experience and apparently I’m impulsive. I smashed that Sheer guy over the head and chased him when I should have stayed back and waited for Noah. He says it’s his fault for bringing me along when I wasn’t ready and for being the one to leave to get the van, but it’s not his fault. We both know it’s my own.
I’m going to get him caught one day. He can try his hardest to teach me how to do everything perfect and right, but maybe I’m just not cut out for this. I’m not learning fast enough and I already nearly got him caught once. We’ll be lucky to get through this.
I finish showering and step out onto the mat. I wrap a towel around my body and wipe the fog from the mirror. My long brown hair hangs wet over my shoulder and I fold it in half, wondering what I’ll look like with a shorter hair cut.
I can’t be sure. But it’s the least I can do for him. If it helps correct my stupid mistake, I’ll cut my hair. My hair doesn’t matter to me.
The problem is, I’m not sure what really does matter to me. On the one hand, I’m obsessed with my freedom.
But on the other, I need what Noah has to offer me. It’s the chance to be something, to matter to someone. If I stay with Noah, I know I won’t really be free. I’ll be a slave to the need inside of me, to my own blossoming darkness.
And I’ll be his. I can’t decide if that’s good or bad, but I know it’ll be true. I can see myself getting more and more addicted to him until I can’t see anything else.
As I stand there staring at myself in the mirror, I know I have to decide, and soon.