Chapter Thirteen
Anders walked to the table by the front door and picked up the key. A hollow feeling carved out a place in his chest as the cool metal pressed into his palm. She wanted a break. He’d never been in a relationship before that felt over and in limbo at the same time. For him it had always been cut and dry. Either it was over, or it wasn’t.
His life was spinning out of control. When he first pursued Josie, his only goal was to sleep with her again, but somewhere along the way something changed and he didn’t know how to deal with it. Feelings he’d written off, parts of himself he’d sworn to never let see the light of day again were fighting their way to the surface.
He tried to convince himself he was okay, but when he walked into his bedroom and saw Josie’s shirt thrown across the bed, he knew that was nothing but a lie. Since the day she crashed back into his life, she had more control than he ever wanted to acknowledge. And as much as he hated to admit it―as much as he wanted to tell her to go to hell―he wanted her to come back.
Falling onto his bed, he grabbed her shirt and covered his face. He breathed deeply and let his eyes fall shut. She asked for a break. She just needed time. If he was being honest, so did he. They couldn’t keep going like they were. But the part of him that trusted before―had welcomed his childhood best friend back into his life with open arms―balked. That part of him had been doused in kerosene and set on fire, burned in every possible way.
Josie did something to him no woman had ever done before. She pushed all his buttons, and she made his temper flare with no effort, but she also settled something inside him. She soothed the same fire she ignited. She was the balm to her own burn. He wondered how many scars he’d bear when the smoke cleared.
The weekend passed quietly. He picked up his phone a dozen times to call her, but no matter how much he wanted to talk to her, pride and self-preservation were powerful deterrents. He wanted to reassure her he didn’t want Aubrey, but his fear of rejection kept him silent.
For two days he drowned in memories of the past, held hostage by his thoughts. When he walked into the studio Monday morning, his expression was nothing but hard lines and angry scowls. He was impossible to work with. The few people who had any insight into his personal life, people like Madison, could certainly guess why.
Madison watched warily as Anders stomped around the set. He snapped at anyone who dared to correct something he’d done. With a shake of her head, she left to find Josie, praying she was in a better mood than Anders.
“Hey, you. Whatcha working on?”
Josie jumped in surprise, a smile breaking across her face when she saw Madison. “I’m just making a few changes to the designs we worked on last week. Craig made a few suggestions, so I’m making the edits before I send them back to him.”
Madison hummed and pulled a chair over to Josie’s cubicle. “So is this how we’re going to play? You’re gonna make me ask?”
Josie sighed and ran her hand through her hair. “No, I’m not. I just… Can we talk about it after work? I can’t get into it here. Please?”
Madison nodded. “Okay. I’m going to check out a few buildings with Holden tonight and tomorrow after work. How about a girls’ night later this week? We can go out or stay in. It’s up to you.”
“Come to my house Wednesday. I’ll order sushi. You bring sake. I’ll tell you everything then. Maybe you can help me make some sense out of this mess because, Maddie, I’m at a loss. And”―she paused and blinked back the tears stinging her eyes―“and it…it hurts.” She sucked in a deep breath and wiped under her eyes. “Is this what it feels like?”
Madison’s eyes glazed with tears and her throat tightened. “What do you mean ‘it’?”
Josie lowered her eyes and tried to force out the words trapped in her throat, begging to be swallowed up and buried deep inside. With a shuddering breath her words floated through the air on a whispered breath. “To love someone and have them hurt your heart.”
“Josie,” Madison exhaled, unable to hold back the tears brimming in her eyes. “Are you in love with him?”
Josie looked at her hands. “I don’t know, but something in my chest aches. I’ve never felt this way before. If this is what love feels like, I don’t want any part of it.”
“Don’t think about it right now, okay? Everything happens for a reason, right?” Even though Madison wanted to believe what she was saying, there was a nagging feeling reminding her that sometimes bad things happened with no explanation at all.
While Josie and Madison pushed aside their personal lives and focused on work, Aubrey watched Anders’ every move. Had she any doubt about the possibility of Anders’ involvement with someone, it disappeared the moment he stepped on set today. She’d been right. Jealousy, however, tempered her satisfaction with the rift she had caused. Anders had someone in his life he was keeping a secret, someone he cared about.
“Rough day?” she asked, her face a mask of indifferent innocence.
“Fuck off.” Anders kept his eyes on Dean, who took a hard blow to the chest and fell onto his back. For once he wished he didn’t have a stunt double. Then he could be the one getting punched in the gut. He couldn’t imagine it hurt any more than what he was feeling already.
“You don’t always need to be so hateful.” The tears stinging Aubrey’s eyes weren’t just for show and the tremble of her chin couldn’t be controlled. “I’m not the enemy here.”
Anders turned to Aubrey when her voice broke. With a shrug and an insincere apology, he brushed her off. “You’re not my ally either.”
“I could be. I could be a lot of things if you’d just let me in.”
Anders’ lips thinned into a hard line, and he pulled in a deep, calming breath through his nose. “I think your involvement in my life has caused enough problems.”
Aubrey’s eyes widened. “Anders, if you’re seeing someone and our relationship is causing a problem, just tell me. I can talk to her. I’m sure I can make her understand.” The words burned like acid as they fell from her lips. She only wanted to make one thing understood: no one had a chance in hell against her.
“Your constant inquiries into whether I’m seeing someone are getting a little old. How many times do I have to tell you I’m not dating anyone?”
Aubrey shook her head. “Then how am I complicating your life? It’s not like you’ve changed your lifestyle since I came into the picture.”
Anders laughed. “Since we decided to do this fake relationship bullshit, I’ve had paps waiting for me outside the studio almost every day. They’ve started following me again. I haven’t had to deal with that shit in a long time. Not since I started letting the world see everything I did so nothing about me is a mystery. But now, this thing with you, people are intrigued.”
“That’s what’s caused you to be in such a bad mood? More publicity? That doesn’t make sense. You’ve never shied away from the camera.”
Anders gritted his teeth. When he spoke, the tone of his voice was all the warning Aubrey needed to realize she’d pushed too far. “Because it’s on my terms. I’m in control. I choose how they see me. But having people sneak around and break into neighborhoods? I didn’t choose that.” With a fleeting glance, Anders left the set without another word.
That night, much like the weekend, Anders thought about picking up his phone a dozen times. However, this time it wasn’t Josie he wanted to call. It was Owen. No matter how much of a playboy he was, Owen was a good friend to Anders.
Of course, calling Owen would lead to going out for drinks, which would lead to women for Owen and one very pissed off woman for Anders. Josie said she needed time—a break, not a breakup. Being photographed with a fan straddling his lap again would no doubt be the last straw.
With a resigned sigh he stripped off his clothes, took a shower, and popped an Ambien. An hour later when he fell into bed, relaxed and numb, he drifted into a dreamless sleep.
The next day he attempted to curb his attitude, but it was impossible. Everyone was an idiot and they all deserved to die. Especially contributing to his bad mood was his earlier encounter with Josie. He’d spotted her and a guy leaning against the wall talking. Anders knew he was an intern from her department, but knowing that did nothing to stop the way his heart rate accelerated and his hands balled into fists when Josie threw her head back and laughed. When she noticed Anders, she gave him a small smile and turned away.
“Fucking hell.” He needed to get a grip and stop letting her invade his every thought. Really, he just needed Aubrey to go away and Josie’s ridiculous break to end.
By the time Wednesday afternoon rolled around, Josie was a big mess of indecision. She had no idea what to do about Anders, and every time she tried to work it out, her thoughts moved in circles. She missed him. She was relieved to have space. She missed him. She was better off. She missed him. He wasn’t worth the hassle. She missed him. She missed him.
“There better be two bottles in that paper bag or I’m disowning you,” Josie greeted Madison as she held the door open.
“What do you take me for?” Madison laughed. She pulled down the top of the bag to reveal the two bottles of sake.
“Thank God.”
After dividing up the sushi and drinking a generous amount of sake, they stopped with the meaningless chatter and acknowledged the elephant in the room.
“What did he say about the pictures?” Madison wasn’t going to beat around the bush anymore.
Josie shrugged and took a sip of her drink. “He said Aubrey kissed him. Apparently she was asking a lot of questions so he said some things to throw her off. God!” she exhaled, her face pinched. “I don’t want to even imagine what he said to shut her up. But from the look on her face, it’s not hard to imagine.”
“Well, do you believe him?”
“At first I wasn’t sure what to think. He had the perfect opportunity to tell me about the kiss when we looked at the pictures together, but he didn’t. I couldn’t help but wonder if there was a reason because it’s kind of a big thing to leave out, right?”
“It is.”
“But I believe him. If he wanted to fuck Aubrey Nash, he could have done it a hundred times by now. She’s been after him ever since she came back from Italy, and he’s turned her down over and over.”
“Look, I’m not trying to upset you, but I’m going to play devil’s advocate for a minute, okay?”
Josie swallowed and eyed her almost empty glass before nodding. “Okay.”
“How can you be sure he’s not lying? What if he’s just covering his ass because those pictures came out? He agreed to date her without talking to you, and then he ditched you for a date with her without a second’s hesitation. For someone who claims to not be interested, he sure seems to jump whenever she says.”
Josie grimaced and her throat tightened. “Ouch.”
“Hey, now,” Madison scolded. She slid closer to Josie and squeezed her knee. “Devil’s advocate, remember? I can give you a list of reasons why I don’t believe any of those things, but I’m not going to. You need to do it. Tell me why you don’t believe these things.”
“Okay.” Josie squared her shoulders. Madison didn’t care about being convinced, she wanted Josie to be. “Anders is paranoid someone’s going to find out about us. Stupid, crazy, needs-to-lie-on-someone’s-couch-three-times-a-week paranoid. So he overcompensates for anything that could give the impression he’s involved with someone. Plus he’s not used to answering to anyone. He’s not used to considering someone else’s feelings.”
“He sounds like a regular prince charming.” Madison accentuated her sarcasm with a dramatic eye roll.
Josie laughed. “I know he sounds like a complete asshole. If you asked me to list the reasons we should be together, well, it’d be a short list. On paper, there is no logical reason. Our relationship is irrational. But when things are good with us, Maddie, they’re―it’s electric. He drives me crazy. Most times I can’t tell if I want to kiss him or kill him, but he’s also sweet and funny and cocky, which should be a turnoff, but with him it’s not. The way he looks at me makes me feel beautiful. The way he touches me makes me feel wanted. God, he just makes me feel alive.”
Madison smiled. “You’ve said that before―about how he makes you feel. I get it, I do, but is it enough?”
“He’s trying.”
“What do you mean?”
Josie told her about eavesdropping at the studio. She found herself smiling as she thought about the time they’d spent at his house, how comfortable she felt with him, and how her heart would race and her body would melt into his when she woke next to him.
The smile slipped from her face as she thought about the last time she’d walked out his door. “I know he’s a good actor, but his face when I left his house… He was upset. He does care about me. I’m just not sure if it’s enough.”
“There are never any guarantees when it comes to relationships. Even happy, stable relationships end. It’s part of life. You just have to pick yourself up and keep going. You said you’re not sure if you love him, but I think we both know whatever’s going on is more than lust. If things end, it’s going to hurt.”
“I just don’t know if I can deal with his lifestyle and everything that comes with it. The lies, the backstabbing, the games. I used to wonder why famous people only seem to date other famous people. Their lives could be more private, have a semblance of normalcy if they dated someone unknown. I get it now. Normal people can’t cope with what being with someone famous entails. They can’t watch someone they are in a relationship with kiss, touch, and hold someone else, even if it is just for a movie or photo shoot. Seeing those pictures almost killed me. It’s why I’ve steered clear of the set. I can’t see their scenes together. It’d feel like watching him cheat, and just the thought hurts.”
“Oh, Josie. That’s one thing I can’t help you figure out. I can’t imagine how I’d react if it were Holden. But it’s Anders’ job, and he’s good at it. You can’t ask him to quit acting. That’d be like telling you to stop designing.”
Josie shook her head. “I would never. I’m not that selfish. But I don’t want to let him run all over me either. He calls the shots in our relationship. How much of myself do I sacrifice to be with him?”
“If you think for one second Anders isn’t just as twisted up as you, then you guys are two blind peas in a stubborn pod. Think about the Anders Ellis you saw in the hallway at the studio all those months ago. Now think about the one you left standing at his house a few days ago. They aren’t the same person and you know it.”
“He’s so damaged. What if I can’t help? What if he never changes? There’s no way I can live with being a secret forever. Wouldn’t it be unfair to stay with him like things are, then change the rules later on?”
Madison pulled in a deep breath and stood from the couch, pulling Josie with her. “Nope. Things change. Life happens. It’s why you need to tell him everything you’re feeling. Set your own rules. Don’t let him control everything. Most of all, stay true to yourself. Decide what’s best for you. The rest will take care of itself.”
Josie hugged Madison after a few minutes of conversation and told her goodnight before she slipped out the front door. With a heavy sigh and slumped shoulders, she made her way to the bedroom and fell into bed. Even after their talk she was still confused. She didn’t want to be a secret forever, but after recent events she wasn’t in a hurry for people to find out about them either. She didn’t want to be compared to Aubrey. Nor did she want to be cast by the media as the other woman who split them up. Wrapping her arms around the cold pillow beside her, she pulled it against her chest. No matter what she decided, the potential for getting hurt was unavoidable.
The rest of the week was trying for both Anders and Josie. The more Josie made an effort to avoid Anders, the more he made a point to be wherever she was. He needed to see her. See if she had the same dark circles his makeup artist complained about.
She didn’t. She looked the same as always. She smiled, laughed, and moved around the studio like she didn’t have a care in the world. It made his stomach tighten with anxiety and his jaw clench with anger. Eva had never seemed bothered by anything either.
When Nathan showed up Friday afternoon, Anders was preparing to go out for the evening. He wasn’t going to sit around and wait for Josie to decide if he was worth her time. He’d given a woman that kind of power before and it was the biggest mistake of his life.
“Going somewhere?” Nathan eased onto Anders’ couch and threw his feet on the table. He knew it would piss Anders off, but after dealing with Clarence’s constant bitching about Anders’ attitude, he deserved a little retribution.
“Yup. I’m going out.”
“Well I hope you find someone to relieve the tension you’ve carried around all week. Damn if Clarence isn’t ready to string you up.”
Anders’ fists clenched and his eyes were hard and angry. “Just because I’m going out doesn’t mean I’m going to fuck someone.”
Nathan’s eyes widened and his mouth fell open. “Since when?”
“A while.”
“Well that makes your mood more understandable. I had no idea you were taking the fake relationship with Aubrey so seriously.”
Anders scoffed. “It has nothing to do with Aubrey. I wish I’d never agreed to that farce in the first place. It’s caused nothing but headaches.”
Nathan furrowed his brows and studied Anders’ face. “You wanna tell me what’s going on? You aren’t making sense, and while you usually don’t, this is different.”
Anders shoved a beer at Nathan’s chest with a sneer and twisted the top off his own. “Tell me again why I keep you around?”
“Because no one else will put up with your bullshit.” Nathan took a swig of his beer and let out a satisfied sigh. “Now, tell me all about your troubles.”
“How about you tell me why you needed to meet with me first. Did Clarence send you here to straighten me out?”
“Yes, Clarence sent me here to talk to you, but not about your attitude. Although, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if the topic came up. He wanted me to give you the details about your next date with Aubrey.”
Anders groaned and dropped his head against the back of the couch. “Of course I have another date with her. When?”
“There’s a new club opening next Thursday. It’s supposed to be the new ‘it’ place. Tons of media coverage is expected. He’s secured you a booth.”
“Perfect.” The idea of having another date with Aubrey was less than appealing. However, Anders was marginally happier it would be a more social setting rather than another private dinner. At least he could avoid having to focus all his attention on her. He thought about how Josie would react to the news. His shoulders slumped when he realized she might not care at all because she might no longer be a part of his life.
“Okay. That’s it.” Nathan grunted as he dropped his feet to the floor and sat up. “Enough of the bullshit. I’ve always given you space, tried not to butt into your personal business, but something is going on, and I’m not leaving until you tell me. Is it your parents?”
Anders glared at Nathan. “No. This has nothing to do with them.”
“Well, the only thing I’ve seen you get pissy about lately is that costume designer, and surely you aren’t acting like this over a woman.” As soon as the words left Nathan’s mouth, a light bulb went off in his head. “It is about her.” Blowing out a heavy breath, he fell back on the couch and let out a disbelieving chuckle. “Well, I’ll be damned.”
Anders looked at his hands and ground his teeth together. After several moments of silence he mumbled a response to Nathan. “Yeah. Her name’s Josie. Josie Bane.” He laughed and shook his head. “Never has a name been more appropriate. That woman is the bane of my existence. I think I’m losing my damn mind.”
Nathan didn’t show his surprise when Anders confirmed his suspicion. He kept his tone casual, his voice low. “So I take it she’s not very happy about this thing with Aubrey, huh?”
Anders shook his head. “Understatement of the fucking year.”
“I’m sure those most recent pictures of you and Aubrey kissing in front of her house didn’t help.”
Anders was on his feet in an instant. “She kissed me. I didn’t do anything other than talk some shit to get her to back off. She kept asking questions that were none of her business and instead of telling her to fuck off, I made things worse. Not that anyone should be surprised.”
“Whoa.” Nathan put his hands out in front of him and slid to the other end of the couch. “Calm down. Jesus.” Dropping his hands, he nodded before speaking. “Can you answer something for me?” When Anders didn’t respond, he continued. “How long has something been going on with you and Josie?”
Anders sighed and turned his back to Nathan. He didn’t want to look him in the face while whining about some girl. “Since before Arizona. Since I started filming this movie.”
Nathan gaped at Anders, stunned by the realization that Anders had been with the same woman for months. “Then why on Earth did you agree to a publicity relationship with Aubrey?”
Anders turned around and threw his arms out wide, his eyes dark and angry. “Because I fuck everything up. Come on, Nathan, it’s what I do. This is why I should never have let myself get involved with Josie. I should have walked away. Any time I try to have more, I just screw things up, just like with Eva.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it. You’re not responsible for what happened with Eva. Get your head out of your ass and quit having a pity party. She doesn’t deserve a second thought. Unless, of course, you’re comparing her to Josie. Are they the same, Anders? Is Josie playing you?”
Anders wrapped the material of Nathan’s shirt in his hands before he realized what he was doing. With clenched teeth he tried to control the anger shaking his hands. “Don’t ever compare Josie to Eva. Ever.”
Nathan wasn’t going to back down. For years he watched Anders harden and close himself off. He’d never been the most pleasant guy and always carried an air of superiority about him, but now he was just a shell of the man he was before Eva came back. “I’ll stop when you do.”
“Fuck you,” Anders spat. He shoved Nathan’s chest before releasing his shirt and stepping away.
Nathan smoothed his hands down his chest. “So not like Eva then. Got it. So tell me, Anders, if things are strained between you and Josie―enough to make you act like an even bigger asshole than normal―how would going out tonight make the situation better?”
“I don’t think Josie gives a fuck about what I’m doing. She asked for a break, and she hasn’t tried to call me once in the past week. It’s pretty clear where things stand with us.”
“God, you’re an idiot.” Nathan held up his hand when Anders opened his mouth. “She asked for some time. You think a week is unreasonable? Do you have any idea how difficult you can be to deal with? Shit, I wish I could ask for a break and we’re not even dating.”
“Yes, yes, I’m a dick. Get to the point, Nathan.”
“My point is, if you want any chance of salvaging your relationship with Josie, the worst thing you could do is go anywhere other than to her.”
“I’m not going to beg for forgiveness for who I am.”
“Well, there’s your first mistake. I beg for forgiveness all the time. Even when I’ve done nothing wrong. Sometimes you have to pick your battles. It’s about give and take. You have to give her a reason to want to be with you. Other than your lovely personality, of course.”
“Asshole.”
“Yes, exactly.” Nathan rolled his eyes and wondered what was wrong with the girl crazy enough to get involved with someone like Anders. “You’re going to have to give, Anders. You can’t continue to take and expect it to be enough. No woman is going to be okay with that. I know you’re hesitant to trust, but you either have to push your limits or accept it’s never going to work.”
“I have pushed my limits. Christ, she’s the only woman I’ve slept with in months.”
“Oh, God,” Nathan groaned. “You’re hopeless. Are you saying not sleeping with other women has been hard for you? Because if so, you need to leave Josie alone. You’re not interested in a relationship with her.”
“No. Shit. That’s not how I meant it. I don’t want to sleep with anyone else. I just want her, but she’s so fucking difficult. She argues about everything and pushes my buttons. It’s a constant struggle.”
Nathan chuckled and lifted his brows in amusement. “Well then, she sounds just about perfect for you.”
“Shut up.”
“Look, maybe Josie’s waiting for you to show her you want to be with her. Maybe she wants some kind of reassurance.”
“I’m not the one who left. I never wanted a break. She did, not me. Why should I fix what I didn’t break?”
“It all goes back to give and take. Imagine the roles reversed, and you had to see pictures of her and some guy out together.”
“Fuck that,” Anders spat. He thought about seeing Josie laughing with that intern at the studio. “No fucking way.”
Nathan nodded. “It’s no fun when the shoe’s on the other foot. Take a minute to imagine how she feels. You’ve decided to hide your relationship. I assume that was your decision. You’ve got to put yourself out there. I understand why you’re hesitant, but if you care about this girl, if you want a shot with her, it’s your only option.”
Anders paced in front of the couch. “We’re never going to last. Our entire relationship was doomed from the very beginning.”
Nathan shrugged. “Then let it be done. Go out tonight. Act like you’ve always acted and cut your losses.”
Anders’ chest tightened and his shoulders slumped in defeat. With a resigned sigh he said out loud what they both already knew. “I don’t want…I can’t.”
“Then go talk to her and stop being such an idiot.”
Anders huffed out a laugh and jammed his hands in his pockets. “Just when I thought you were going to be nice.”
“Nice to you? Ha. You’d eat me alive. Now go.”
Anders nodded and followed Nathan to the door. “Thanks for talking to me.”
“Thanks for listening. I like this girl already.”
“Don’t get any ideas,” Anders warned, slipping back into his familiar demeanor.
“There you are.” Nathan laughed.
While Anders crawled behind the wheel of his car and steeled himself to make Josie listen, Josie paced the length of her living room. She promised herself a week. A week to think about their relationship and her expectations. The sad part was the only thing she’d figured out was that she missed him. A lot. That was the only constant.
She didn’t know if missing him was enough. One thing she was certain of, however, was that she didn’t want to spend another day without talking to him. Grabbing her purse and keys, she moved toward her front door, freezing the moment she opened it to find Anders standing there.
His eyes widened before determination flashed across his features and propelled him forward. He cradled her jaw and swept his thumbs over the apples of her cheeks before tightening his grip. He lowered his gaze to her lips and shook his head. “No more time, Ivy. You’ve had enough.” Then he kissed her.
The breath left her body and her hands trembled as she wound them into his hair. “What”―she panted, pulling away―“are you doing here?”
“I couldn’t stay away.” He walked her backward until they were inside and kicked the door shut.
“What about the paps?”
“I wasn’t followed.” He dropped his hands to her biceps and squeezed before his brows furrowed. “Where were you going?”
Josie let out a breathy laugh and walked them to her couch. “To see you.”
His answering smile was part relief and part cockiness. “Oh, yeah?”
Josie rolled her eyes, but she’d be a liar if she said she hadn’t missed his conceited attitude. She missed all of him. “Don’t get too cocky.”
“Oh, I have no doubt you’re more than willing to put me in my place if I do.”
“Damn straight.”
They eased onto her couch and stared at each other for a moment. Anders was the first to break the silence. “I missed you.”
Butterflies fluttered in Josie’s stomach and a tingle of excitement buzzed across the surface of her skin at his admission. “I missed you too.”
“I don’t like breaks.”
Josie nodded in agreement, but when she lifted her head, her eyes said otherwise. “I needed it to think.”
Anders’ throat bobbed as he swallowed hard. He searched her face for some kind of clue, some indication of her decision. “And?”
Josie shrugged. “I still don’t have any answers. I don’t know what I’m doing, Anders.”
“So what? You’re done?” Anders shook his head. “I don’t want that. There has to be something we can do.”
Josie smiled. She wasn’t expecting that response, not when he usually just made demands, no questions asked. “No. Not done. But we do need to meet in the middle on some things. Like, you need to tell me when something like Aubrey kissing you happens. Actually, you need to never, ever agree to a fake relationship with anyone again.”
Anders groaned. He wondered how many arguments they could have avoided if he’d told Aubrey and Clarence to go to hell in the first place. “No shit. I promise you I’ll never do anything like this bullshit again.”
“And I want to know things about you. I don’t expect you to spill your guts and tell me your entire life story all at once, but the thing is…” Josie sucked in a deep breath, and before she could talk herself out of saying what was on her mind, she spoke. “I want more from you. Because how I feel about you now, it’s not the same as it was in the beginning. What we did before doesn’t work for me anymore.” She knew she was exposing herself, but it was on her terms. This was her way of laying her cards on the table and being in complete control.
Anders’ throat tightened and his heart hammered in his chest. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying I could fall in love with you. It…it might already be happening, and I can’t be the only one giving. I need you to be in this with me.”
Anders wanted to bolt. He wanted to erase the words from his head and pretend they never happened. Love? He wasn’t looking for that. He didn’t want it. He cared about her. But love? Love was brutal. Love broke people. Love ruined everything.
“You’re not in love with me.” His tone held an edge of desperation he was unable to hide.
“I don’t know what I am.” Josie’s shoulders rose as she pulled in a heavy breath, her face heating with the sting of rejection. “But I’m trying to be honest with you. Obviously it was a bad idea.”
Anders realized what he said a second too late. “No. No, I don’t mean…I just... Fuck.”
“I didn’t say that to force declarations from you. I’m telling you our situation is different now. What worked before isn’t enough now. Jesus.”
He felt her pulling away, setting up her walls and locking her defenses into place. She wanted to be with him. She wasn’t ending their relationship. That’s what he needed to focus on. “Things have changed for me too. I don’t want to hurt you, but I can’t make guarantees any more than you. I can promise you this: you can trust me. You’re the only one I want. I’m not a cheater. I know I’ve fucked up with how I’ve handled everything so far, but if you’ll give me a chance, I’ll do better. I want to do better for you.”
“And you’ll stop trying to deflect every time I ask you something personal?”
Anders pulled her against him and buried his face in her hair. “I’ll deflect less?” The smile in his voice was unmistakable.
“It’s a start.” They had more to discuss. So many things needed to be hashed out, but for the first time in a week, she felt settled. She wasn’t uneasy or anxious because in his arms the outside world melted away. All the reasons she asked for time faded like distant memories. No Aubrey, no secrets, and no insecurities about the future. In his arms she felt safe. He felt like home.
She knew it wouldn’t last. When they walked out the door and back into the outside world, all those hurdles would be right there waiting. But for the first time in their relationship, she was going to be the selfish one.