Chapter Eighteen
Anders stumbled through the front door of his cottage, groaning as he stretched the sore muscles in his back. As soon as he’d arrived in Arizona, they’d gone straight to work. The director wanted the scenes done and the crew back in LA as soon as possible to keep expenses low. After two long days, the director and crew were en route back home. Everyone except Anders.
Grabbing the bottle of scotch Nathan had delivered to his room earlier in the day, he poured a generous shot. He winced from the slight burn as the warm liquid slid down his throat. After a second shot, he carried the bottle and his glass into the living room and turned on the lamp.
Setting the bottle on the coffee table, he moved behind the couch and lightly dragged his fingertips over the soft material. The memory of Josie’s laugh suddenly hit him like a punch to the gut. He pinched his eyes shut to block the sound. He wasn’t sure what possessed him to request the same cottage as before or why he decided to stay a few extra days.
Now that he had a chance slow down from his busy schedule, he saw her everywhere. The pain that wrapped around his chest was unexpected and unforgiving. His throat constricted and for a moment he wondered if it was possible to suffocate from it.
“Shit.” He lifted his glass to his mouth and emptied the contents. Steadying himself, he moved in front of the couch and eased onto the cushions. With his elbows on his knees, he leaned forward, his hands hanging between his parted thighs. He tried to make sense of the emotions surging through him. How could just the memory of her laugh cause his knees to buckle? When he thought about them, how they’d fallen apart, he didn’t feel anger like he had for Eva. He felt frustrated. It was stomach-dropping and chest-aching, but the barely-contained rage and hate that had simmered under the surface for Eva, was missing. There was only loss. Emptiness. Incompleteness.
Reaching for the remote, he flipped on the television, half expecting Honey Boo Boo to flash across the screen to torture him once more. He gritted his teeth at his disappointment when it didn’t. Tossing the remote, he grabbed the bottle. His skin itched and his stomach twisted as more memories of Josie played through his mind. He should stop drinking before he did something stupid, but the thought of enduring how he felt a second longer made him want to set himself on fire.
His vision began to swim, the edges softening and blurring. His lips tingled as he dragged his tongue over them. They were full and soft, reminding him of the last time he’d kissed Josie. He groaned and dropped his head to the back of the couch as her image appeared once more.
Convinced his mind and body were telling him to sleep, he pushed off the couch and walked to the bedroom. Stripping down to his boxers, he didn’t bother to shower before falling face first on the bed. He wrapped his arms around the pillow and inhaled. It was ridiculous to think it might smell of her. Her scent had long faded from his home back in LA. His hands would never again smell like her hair after gripping it as he pushed into her.
“Can I have you?”
“No,” he whispered into the empty room as the vivid image of her pinned beneath him burned behind closed lids.
“You can have me.”
“Stop.” His plea was choked, and he could have sworn he felt the heat from her skin searing into his.
“Stay?”
“Fuck.” Salty liquid leaked from the corners of his eyes as he buried his face into the pillow and clenched his jaw.
“Okay.”
“You lied.” His words were thick and broken, barely intelligible as his body succumbed to the sleep he craved.
For the next few days, Anders spent every second trying to convince himself that his breakdown was nothing more than a momentary lapse. He reasoned that alcohol and fatigue had played tricks on his mind. He refused to accept that Josie had that sort of power over him.
Slipping on his running shoes, he left his cottage and started for the trail to the falls as the sun ascended into the sky. He planned to prove once and for all that he didn’t feel what his heart claimed. By the time he reached the trailhead, sweat beaded along his temples and dripped down his back. His lungs burned as he sucked in hot, gasping breaths of air.
He ripped off his sunglasses, letting them hang from his fingertips as he rested his hands on his knees. Blinking against the harsh glare, he waited for his eyes to adjust to his surroundings. When everything around him became clear, he didn’t bother bracing himself as he fell to his knees.
Everything clicked into place and split at the seams. His eyes stung as flashes of pink cheeks, sun-kissed light brown hair, and blue eyes crashed down every wall he’d erected. Feelings he’d fought picked him apart piece by piece. All at once, nothing made sense, yet everything became crystal clear.
Shaking his head, he did something he never thought he’d do on purpose: he thought about Eva and the day everything fell apart. He wanted to remember. He wanted to experience the pain and heartache that had consumed him after her betrayal. He needed to remind himself why he swore to never allow another person inside his heart. With closed eyes and a clenched jaw he let the memories flood his mind.
The heat of the blistering Arizona sun faded into the background as the scene shifted. Anders was no longer at the top of the falls but in the living room of his old home. The sweet smell of Eva’s perfume burned his nose, and his fists clenched as he watched a younger, more pathetic version of himself plead for answers.
“What the fuck is this shit, Eva?”
“Anders, I didn’t mean―”
“Mean to what, Eva? Lie? Cheat? Get caught? Break my fucking heart?”
“No, baby. It wasn’t like that. Nicholas and I were―”
“Oh, I think it’s pretty fucking clear what you and Nicholas were doing.”
Anders watched the magazine his younger self held fly across the room and land at Eva’s feet. He wanted to storm across the room and slam his fist into the face of the man crying and shaking with rage. He wanted to tell him to man up and walk away, that she wasn’t worth it. But he’d done this for a reason. He brought up this memory because he needed to make whatever he felt for Josie go away. He was desperate to change something he had no control over.
“Tell me, Eva, was the whole story about Nicholas being gay a lie, or did you just fuck him straight?”
“Anders, please. Just listen to me.”
“God, I’m such a fool. You never loved me. All this time. You played me. You fucking played me.”
“I do love you! You’re my best friend. This is a misunderstanding, I swear.”
“Are you insane? I’m your best friend? I don’t even know who the fuck you are. Because my Eva, my best friend and the only girl I’ve ever loved, would never have shown up after six years, pretending she loved me the entire time. Why did you do it? Was it money? Modeling? What did I do to you to deserve this?”
“It wasn’t my idea! Your parents…”
Anders’ stomach dropped and clenched just like it had all those years ago. Her next words would send a sledgehammer straight into his heart. He watched Eva’s eyes widen and her hand fly to her mouth. Again, he wanted to grab his younger self and yank him from the room. Stop what would be the beginning of the end of the person he was.
“What about my parents?”
“Anders.”
“What the fuck do my parents have to do with this, Eva? Answer me goddamn it!”
“They said you’d changed! That you cut them out of your life and the only―”
“Because they were robbing me blind! They almost took everything! And you…you made me believe…you were all in on it. All of you.”
Anders remembered his rage from that day. The way hate, sadness, and hurt swirled in his head as the pieces clicked together. His stomach lurched, and he had to fight back the bitter burn of bile threatening to expel from his body. He’d heard enough, just like before.
“Get out.”
“Please.”
“Get the fuck out of my house before I throw you out. I’m done with you. I’m done with all of you.”
If only that had been the end of it, maybe Anders could have recovered, picked up the pieces and not let what happened change him. It wasn’t the end, though. Not even close.
Anders gasped as his eyes flew open. The air shimmered as waves of heat bounced off the surrounding rocks. He felt like he’d been transported through time, straight from one nightmare and into another. Reliving the day his life changed, the day he realized he couldn’t trust anyone, changed nothing.
No matter how much he tortured himself with the past, he couldn’t reconcile it with the present. He couldn’t picture Josie doing the things Eva and his parents had done. When he pushed harder, willed his mind to replace Eva’s face with Josie’s, the air left his body in a choked sob.
Unlike with Eva, there was no hate. There was nothing but blackness, numbness, emptiness. It was almost as if everything that made him human was extracted from his shell of flesh and bones and burned to dust. He was soul-shattered and broken, but not an ounce of hate could be found.
He understood then. The reason he couldn’t stand the thought of letting Josie go, why she haunted his dreams and infected his mind. No matter how angry she made him, he couldn’t imagine, even for a single second, ever hating her.
He loved her. He was in love with her. And he’d ruined them. He’d thrown away the one person who wanted him for no other reason than him, even at his very worst. Josie didn’t care about his job or his money or what he could do for her career. She just wanted him.
He planted his hands flat on the dirt-covered rock, paying no attention to the sound of plastic cracking as his sunglasses broke from his weight. Pulling in several deep breaths, he stood and kicked off his shoes. He felt raw. He had no idea what to do.
He loved her. The thought was terrifying. There was also something else, something that made his skin tingle and heart pound, but he was still Anders. He wasn’t going to change overnight. Realizing he loved her didn’t mean he wouldn’t fuck it up anyway. He already had.
Peeling off his shirt, he peered over the ledge to the blue water below. Suddenly Josie was there, a smirk on her lips as she looked over her shoulder before plunging into the water. With a sad smile, he let the memory of that day wrap around him as he hurled himself over the edge. The symbolism, for once, wasn’t lost on him. What he decided to do about it, however, was as clear as the mud sinking under his feet as he touched the bottom.
Back in LA, Josie buried her face in her pillow, attempting to drown out the incessant pounding in her head. She’d spent the weekend in a knot of anxiety, waiting for the other shoe to drop. One day turned to two, and much to her relief, the weekend passed without incident. However, not being outed publically yet did nothing to curb her unease about other parts of her life, like her job. So Monday morning she went straight to Craig as a preemptive measure and confessed her relationship with Anders.
He nodded and said flings with actors were a common occurrence. It hurt Josie to have her relationship labeled as a fling. She understood that Craig would see it that way given Anders’ reputation. Still, it bothered her.
Craig assured her if the relationship became public knowledge, it wouldn’t ruin her career. While the conversation had left her unsettled, at least she didn’t have to worry about becoming unemployed.
She’d picked up her phone a dozen times to text Anders, to warn him there was a possibility their relationship could be outed. She’d even gone so far as to type out a message, but then she remembered how he had attacked her, treated her like shit, and she deleted the message.
If there was one thing she had learned about Anders, it was that he reacted first and asked questions later. She couldn’t handle him looking at her again like he had that night. Because he hadn’t looked at her, he had looked through her. She’d always prided herself on being strong and sensible, but Anders made her feel like a pathetic schoolgirl. It was the reason she both loved and hated him. He had brought her to life, and then in the blink of an eye made her feel like she had died inside.
She was trapped, unable to move on. If she wasn’t stressing about being outed, she was obsessing about the possibility that he hadn’t slept with Aubrey. It was that possibility that kept Josie awake at night. As awful as it was to admit, she almost hoped she’d been right. That he did sleep with Aubrey. It would make things easier, cut and dry. She could hate him.
The alternative, however, that he hadn’t slept with Aubrey, hurt almost just as much. If he’d stayed faithful, if his promises were true, it didn’t change how he viewed their relationship. That was the crux of it. Anders wasn’t able to commit to her in the way that Madison and Holden were committed to one another, the way her parents were too—with total and complete trust.
In the end it didn’t matter how much she tossed and turned, whether she believed him, or how much she missed him. He wasn’t willing to let her in. He couldn’t let himself trust her.
She admitted she didn’t trust him either, but in truth, it was more for self-preservation than anything else. Had he opened up and asked her to jump with him, she would’ve jumped.
The pounding started again and Josie tightened her hold on the pillow covering her head when she suddenly heard Madison. Her voice, while still muffled, was clearer this time, but the tone was different. Something was wrong.
Throwing her sheets to the side, she leapt from the bed and ran to the front door. The closer she got, the more distinct the sounds from outside became. She wrenched the door open, her forearm flying to cover her eyes as bright flashes of light blinded her.
“Move,” Madison grunted, pushing Josie out of the doorway and slamming the door shut.
Josie’s mouth opened and closed several times as Madison locked the door then moved from window to window, checking the locks and drawing the shades. One hand rested on top of Josie’s head, while the other covered her mouth. Even groggy with sleep, she knew what was going on.
It had taken five days. Five days for her relationship with Anders to be exposed. She stumbled to the couch and eased onto the cushions. Her hands shook and her heart hammered as Madison paced around the room. She parted her lips to speak, but her mouth felt thick, like it was full of sand. Swallowing, she tried again, her words no more than a choked whisper.
“How bad is it?”
Madison winced. With a deep breath, she walked over to Josie and eased onto the coffee table in front of her. “It’s bad.”
Josie clasped her hands. “Of course it is. How did you find out so fast?”
Madison hesitated. She hated to put more stress on Josie, but she wasn’t going to lie to her best friend. “Holden needed a hand at the Farmer’s Market this morning. I rode with him, and we stopped at a breakfast stand on the corner. There were some magazines...” She didn’t need to say any more. Josie got the picture.
“Holden knows.”
“Yeah.”
“Is he pissed?”
Madison shook her head. “He’ll be pissed at both of us later. Right now he’s worried about his baby sister.”
Josie’s chin quivered when she thought about how Holden must have felt reading the front of those magazines. She’d been a terrible sister and dragged her best friend into her drama on top of everything. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize to me. I’m a big girl. Besides, we can’t worry about that right now. I need to give you an idea of what’s being said.”
“Where’s Holden now?”
“He dropped me off and headed to the restaurant to unload the stuff we bought. When he saw those reporters, I thought he was going to run them down with his car. I’m glad Anders isn’t in the state of California. Holden might try to kill him.”
“Fuck,” Josie gasped, her hand flying to her throat. “I have to call Anders. I need to tell him what’s happened.”
“Let me tell you what’s being said, okay? Then you can do whatever you need to.”
“Okay. What did the article say? How many names was I called?” Josie tried to keep her voice even, but it was pointless.
Madison made a sound of disgust. “It said you took advantage of your position, used the opportunity of your time alone with Anders to seduce him, that Aubrey befriended you and you stabbed her in the back.”
“Stop.” Josie couldn’t believe what she was hearing.
“Oh yeah,” Madison said mockingly. “They’ve made Anders and Aubrey the victims. I don’t understand how they can print trash like this and get away with it. It’s all bullshit.”
“Does it say where the information came from?”
“An inside source. They revealed your identity. First and last name, where you met, and what you do for a living. Which is why I’m sure all these assholes outside had no problem finding your address.”
Josie’s eyes slid shut as twin tears trailed down her cheeks. “This doesn’t sound like Amelia or Kate.”
“No, it doesn’t. But no one else knew, Josie. If they didn’t do it, they talked to someone who did. They better be glad the movie is over. If I had to see them, well, it wouldn’t be pretty.”
Josie’s laugh was choked by the sob stuck in her throat. “You’d beat ’em up for me?”
“Hell yes, I would. I’d do anything for you.”
“I know.” Josie leaned forward, wrapping her arms around Madison’s shoulders and pulling her into a hug. “What am I going to do?”
Madison pulled back so she could look at Josie. “You’re going to ignore this as best you can. You’ll go to work and be as strong as an armored tank. Don’t respond to those jerks. They don’t deserve to make money off your comments.”
Josie nodded and wiped under her eyes. “This sucks.”
“I know.”
“I need to call Anders.” Josie stood from the couch and grabbed her phone before walking into the kitchen. With a deep breath, she dialed his number. When his voice mail picked up, she released a sigh and ended the call. She didn’t know if he was avoiding her or if he wasn’t around. If it was the former, leaving a voice mail was pointless. Opening a text, she typed out just three words before pressing send.
We’ve been outed.
“No answer,” she sighed as she moved back into the living room.
“Holden is here. We should go. Why don’t you come stay with us for a couple of days? Just until things calm down.”
Josie nodded and ran a hand through her hair. “I don’t want to be run off from my home, but I also don’t want to deal with this every time I go outside. Let me shower, grab some clothes, and I’ll come over. I need to run a couple of errands first too.”
“Do you want me to come with you?”
“No,” Josie groaned. “I just… I need a little time to myself, okay?”
Madison wanted to argue, but instead she nodded and peeked out the window. “I don’t see anyone. Maybe they were hoping to catch you by surprise. Just be careful, okay?”
After promising to call if she needed anything, Josie locked the door behind Madison. She was in a nightmare come to life. She couldn’t understand why things had to come out now, when they were already over. Every time she tried to move on from Anders, she got dragged right back in.
Turning on the shower, she stepped inside and let the hot water run over her hair and face. No longer concerned with fighting back the emotions battering her from the inside, she braced one hand on the wall and dropped her head, her shoulders shaking with each broken sob.
She wanted to let out everything she was feeling, purge it until she was fatigued and emotionally exhausted. If she got it out now, if she cried until her tears dried, maybe she would be numb when someone called her a slut, a bitch, or whatever other nasty things were in store.
Once the water ran cold, she stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel. She told herself she’d had her moment of weakness. She was stronger than anything people could say. As she dressed, packed a few things, and moved to her front door, she continued her internal pep talk. She hesitated when she grasped the front door handle, anxiety and fear making her heart leap in her chest.
Shaking her head, she lifted her chin and pulled open the door. Her eyes darted around the street as she descended the steps. It wasn’t until she closed her car door that she was able to breathe. Pulling onto her street, she headed toward the fabric store to pick up her order, unaware of the dark gray car parked at the corner or the smiling man inside.
Josie kept her head down as she jogged across the street and into the fabric store. Pushing the hair from her eyes, she smiled at the woman behind the counter. They’d always been friendly, and their easy small talk as she gathered Josie’s things gave her hope that the situation wouldn’t be as bad as she feared.
“Sorry, hon,” the woman huffed. “It’ll be about ten more minutes. I had to send one of my guys to the other store for the extra five yards you added to your order.”
“No problem. I don’t mind hanging out.”
The woman laughed. “Of course you don’t. Make yourself at home.”
Josie pulled her phone from her bag and flipped it over in her hands. She hated the part of her that wanted him to call. Their entire relationship had been a mess from the beginning, and she knew she shouldn’t want to hear from him, yet when her screen showed no new messages, disappointment lingered.
Rolling her eyes, she distracted herself by looking through spools of fabric. Half an hour later the woman tallied Josie’s purchase and handed her the receipt. “Do you want to pull your car to the front? This is a lot to carry.”
Josie looked over her shoulder and smiled. “Yeah, that would make things easier. I’ll be right back.”
Her smile was still in place as she stepped out the door and onto the sidewalk. All of a sudden, everything changed. Bodies surrounded her out of nowhere, their booming voices vibrating in her ears as flashes blinded her with each click of the camera shutter.
“Oh my God,” she gasped and stumbled forward. She shielded her head with her arms and tried to push forward, but a crowd had gathered and it was like moving through quicksand.
“Josie, did you seduce Anders Ellis?”
Her heart pounded as bodies slammed against her, pushing and shoving her in every direction as they yelled her name and fired off question after question.
“Did you befriend Aubrey to steal Anders?”
“Do you make a habit of fucking guys with girlfriends?”
Her breaths were choppy as panic swelled in her chest and constricted her airway. Her foot caught on someone next to her, causing her to lurch forward and push a couple of people out of her path.
“How many other actors have you slept with on set?”
“Have you always been a slut? Is that how you make it in Hollywood?”
The questions made her want to fall to the ground and curl up in a ball. A sob tore from her chest as the tears she thought were gone streamed down her cheeks.
“Were you after his money?”
Over and over they insulted her. They pushed and shoved with no regard for anything other than a reaction, a comment, a money shot. Her body shook with adrenaline. She lowered her shaking arms and balled her fists as a surge of anger swept over her. Extending her arms, she shoved the guy in her face to the side and pushed past him. She could see her car. She was almost there. She just needed to cross the street.
“C’mon, baby. I’m sure you used that mouth of yours more than this to get Anders Ellis in the sack. Tell us your story.”
She had never been so degraded in her life. Beyond humiliated, she stepped onto the curb just as something slammed into her back and propelled her forward. She stumbled into the street, her arms extended as she fell toward the concrete. A horn blared to her left. She only had time to squeeze her eyes shut before strong arms wrapped around her waist and pulled her out of the road and back onto the curb. Reeling, she lifted her gaze to a pair of concerned bright blue eyes.
“I’ve got you. Are you okay?”
Hours later and hundreds of miles away, Anders pushed open the door to his cottage and stepped inside. He tugged his shirt over his head, wincing as the material slid across his sunburned shoulders. He’d fallen asleep after swimming and woke hours later with the sun beating down on him. Starved, in pain, and drained from the heat, he trudged up the stairs for a cool shower and something to help him sleep. After eating a sandwich, he fell onto the couch, flipped on the television, and didn’t move again until the sun rose the next day.
He was groggy and disoriented when the sound of his phone ringing woke him. His back ached and his shoulders stung as he sat up and scrubbed his hands over his face. The incessant ringing of his phone grated on his nerves, and when he snatched it off the table, he was irritated and short-tempered.
“What?” he barked, standing and moving toward the bathroom.
“I’ve been calling you since yesterday morning. Where the fuck have you been?”
Anders stopped short of the bathroom door, his face twisted with disbelief. Nathan had never talked to him like that before. Defensive as always, Anders reacted as expected. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you paid me to be at your beck and call. I thought it was the other way around.”
“My job is to look out for your best interests. I can’t do that if you won’t answer the damn phone. Or maybe you don’t care that your relationship with Josie is all over the Internet and magazine covers. My mistake. Please go back to whatever else was more important.”
“This is not news. That article came out when I was still in LA.”
“You’re not listening. Her name, her real name has been released. They know everything about her. And the paps are looking everywhere for you. They’ve already found her.”
Anders’ stomach dropped at Nathan’s words. He braced his hand on the doorframe and pulled in a deep breath. In a choked whisper he asked, “What do you mean they’ve already found her?”
“She was mobbed yesterday. I don’t have the details. I only saw pictures.”
“Book me a flight. I’m coming home.” He turned away from the bathroom and headed toward his room. Grabbing his suitcase, he started throwing clothes inside.
“Now, hang on, Anders. You shouldn’t do that. Wait a few days. Let this die down. Don’t put yourself in that situation.”
Anger radiated through Anders as he froze in place. “What situation? Josie’s situation? You want me to hide here like a pussy while she gets all the heat? Who the fuck do you think I am?”
“You’re the kind of guy that avoids paps like the plague. What are you going to do once you get here? Are you going to offer yourself up to them to protect her?”
“That’s exactly what I’m going to do.”
Silence filled the line. Anders’ admission stunned Nathan so much that he didn’t respond for several moments. When he did, disbelief colored his words. “Who are you and what have you done with Anders?”
“Don’t be an asshole.”
“Says the asshole.”
A shadow of a smile pulled at the corner of Anders’ mouth before fading just as fast. “She’s different. I can’t let her deal with this alone. Book my flight.”
“Okay,” Nathan sighed. “But let me give you a piece of advice. If you want to take the heat off her, if you want this to die down, you need to stay away from her.”
“Why the fuck would I do that?”
“Because this is big news right now. If you’re spotted with her, they’ll terrorize her. Your fans, Aubrey’s fans, the paps, they’re going to make her life a living hell. The best thing you can do is give this time to die down. And you can’t tell everyone your whole relationship with Aubrey was a sham. It’ll hurt a lot more people than just you.”
“So I’m supposed to do nothing? No way. That’s not happening.”
“I didn’t say do nothing. I’m saying you should stay away from her. They’ve made her the bad guy here. You’re going to cause more harm than good.”
“You’re wrong.” He refused to believe things were so bad that she would be better off if he stayed away. He didn’t want to stay away. He wanted to see her. He wanted to be there for her. He wanted to fight for her.
“Look at the pictures. Read the things they’ve said. Then tell me I’m wrong. I’ll text you later with your flight details.”
“Make it fast. I don’t have all day.”
“Of course you don’t.”
Anders chose to ignore the sarcastic edge to Nathan’s voice as he hung up and opened his web browser. He understood what Nathan meant the moment he saw the first photo. Nausea churned his stomach as anger and sadness wrapped around him like a vice. Each picture was worse than the last. Her tear-stained face made his chest ache and his vision blur.
Even though he’d lied in the beginning about wanting their relationship to be a secret to protect her from the paparazzi, it didn’t make it any less true. The pictures of her now proved it. The paps were merciless. He opened a link to an article and didn’t even make it to the end before grabbing his suitcase off the bed and throwing it against the wall.
They’d trashed her, turning her into some sort of villain while painting him and Aubrey as helpless victims. Nathan was right. Anything he did would make it worse. Having him around would keep her in the spotlight, and it would be brutal.
Maybe this was his punishment for the shitty way he had treated her. What better way for karma to fuck him over than to have him realize he loved her but couldn’t have her? One thing was for certain: karma had help. Someone did this to them. When he found out who leaked this, he was going to destroy them. He opened his texts, freezing when he realized he had a missed call and text from Josie. His eyes slid shut when he read her message. It was only three little words, but they changed everything.
His eyes narrowed as anger caused his jaw to clench. Pulling up Nathan’s name, his fingers flew across the screen, his resolve setting like concrete.
Find the source. I don’t care what it takes. Find them.
Dropping his phone on the bed, he grabbed his suitcase from the floor and started packing. It was time to go home.