CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
ZAC
I left and it’s done nothing to make me feel any better, it’s just made me feel worse.
I left her. My days seem to consist of pain and anger.
I miss her. I miss her so fucking much but the anxiety keeps twisting itself around me like a constrictor waiting to strike. I want to go back to the Bryant estate and see how she is doing. See for myself that she is better off without me in her life confusing her once again with all things she would be feeling.
She was a captive, a slave.
She is mine and my feelings aren’t going anywhere even though I am trying to push them away. As much as I try it seems that they are here to stay no matter how many times I try to remind myself that she has to heal. She has to have time to heal without me in the background clouding her mind and her judgement, but no one told me how hard it would fucking be.
No one warned me and my days only seem to consist of pain and anger. But life still has to go on. A few days after I got home to my empty shell of an apartment I have to go in and see my chief and as I go into his home office just outside the city he looks so happy to see me. I can’t say the same thing about him, I can’t say much about anything.
It is too fucking hard. I take my seat opposite him and take a deep breath, knowing he wants to know how I’ve been. I’ve kept myself shut away since I came back from Mexico. The worst case of my miserable life.
“This case got a bit deeper than any of us would have thought” I can only nod my head in reply, I have no words for him. What can I say anyhow?
“How are you doing?” He says and he looks so concerned for me. He’s been my mentor for five years and he’s not just my boss but a friend too.
“I really don’t know.” I say to answer his question because I really don’t. His hands on top of each other on his desk and leans forward to really look at me. I hate it when people do that, it’s as if they expect more from you and I have nothing else to give.
“Whatever you had to do to get that girl out and stop that operation was the right thing to do. You know that don’t you, son?” I swallow as I just look into his eyes. Why doesn’t what he says feel like the right thing? Why am I not happy that I did what was best?
“I helped them.” I swallow, not able to look at him while I say the next part.
“I helped them beat her. I helped them abuse her. I helped them do all sorts of things to her and I can’t get the images out of my head. I can’t stop hearing her screams.”
“She isn’t doing so well either.” He says.
“She woke up?”
“Yeah, she woke up, Zac, but she’s not doing so good from what her father was saying and she won’t speak to her therapist. Maybe she needs something else.”
“She’s hurting, and I did it.”
“In your own words you helped, you were never the one who hurt her.”
“That doesn’t matter. I was still there.”
“Yes, you were there, but maybe she saw you differently.”
“What do you mean?” I ask, not sure where he is going with this and just rolling my eyes as I sit back in my chair.
“Sometimes a person can see through the cracks of someone else. They may not know everything there is about that person but what they do know, what they see right in front of them, is enough. They end up relying on the person, needing them to heal almost.”
What is he getting at here? Is he trying to tell me something?
“I hurt her.” I love her I want to say but keep my mouth shut.
“Maybe, just maybe, she didn’t see you as another man who hurt her but as another victim. Maybe, just maybe, she needs you as much as you need her to get through the past.”
I watch as he stands up and walks behind me facing his door and patting my shoulder with a firm hand.
“Give it time, son.” He says before he walks away. I’ve managed to tell him so much over the last two years, not so much when I was in Mexico but any chance I had I told him everything that happened. Everything that I had to do.
Could what he said be true? I can’t think about it though, I have to get away from here, away from my thoughts.
I run.
I run so fast it is as if I am flying into nothing and it isn’t until my calves are on fire that I stop to take in where I am. I am at Marco’s estate and the fucking building looks just the same as the last day I saw it when everything was so much clearer. I went into this knowing what I had to do but I never imagined that Hope would be the one to get stuck in the middle. I never thought I would fall in love with the girl I was meant to help.As I face the brick wall of Marco’s domain I swing both my arms with all my might as I let all my hatred out. The rage that I managed to keep hidden for so long is now free and taking out its wrath.
I hit it again and again, my fists hurting, bleeding, but I don’t care, I need to get rid of all this anger inside me. Breathing hard I let it all go through the power of my hand. I want to live in the dark with my shame and memories, but this one action gives me something to centre on. Centre everything on the one thing that Marco loved and brought pain to so many others. I hardly do any damage, but it helps me and I turn around and run back to my car at my chief’s home. Everything is burning by the time I reach it, but the pain is a welcome distraction.
I deserve it and I welcome it with open arms. Show me a little of what she must have gone through. I get in my car and I can feel the blood drying as I try to wrap my fingers around the steering wheel. I drive as quickly as I can and once I’m back in my apartment I get to the bathroom to get rid of everything coating my skin, my mind. I get into the shower and scrub at every part of me. I try to force away the images of her lifeless body from my mind, but I can’t. I did that to her. Punching the tiles in front of me does nothing to ease my guilt. I don’t deserve her. Yes, somewhere in this crazy ride I have fallen in love with the brave woman she is, everything that Mark or Marco inflicted on her she took with such bravery but that can’t stop me from wanting her. I’ve gone cold turkey. I am an addict and Hope Bryant is my drug and now I am feeling the after effects of my decision to leave her. I am a fucking idiot. Why did I ever think I could do this? Because right now I am hurting more than I have ever hurt before and from what the chief said she is just the same.
Could she love me too?
Could she forgive me? My heart has been ripped from my chest leaving a hole that can’t be filled. I thought space and time could help but it has only made everything so much worse. The morbid thoughts that are racing through my brain can’t diffuse the fact that I still love her. I thought giving us space would help her, help me, but it’s done nothing except make the ache that resides deep in my chest worsen over the weeks since I walked out and left her. I love her and I just left her. How can I expect her to forgive me when I did that when she needed me the most? When she needed everyone, she loved to stand by her. I was a chicken shit and I really don’t deserve her, but this time apart has turned me into an even bigger selfish pig than I was before. I don’t care anymore if I deserve her or not, I have to try and see if I can have a second chance. All I want is to hold her in my arms and feel her again and tell her how sorry I am. Beg for forgiveness if she will give it to me. I messed everything up because I felt sorry for myself. I want to keep her safe, I want to wrap her up in a blanket of safety. No one will ever lay another finger on her again.
She is mine to always protect.