CHAPTER FOUR
HOPE
I get through the next few weeks in a state of happiness and unease.
We have done the one thing I have ever wanted but he still hasn’t touched me, and although he has explained his reasons I still feel angry towards him and love him at the same time.
How can that be?
How can you be with the man you love, want to spend the rest of your life with, and be angry at the same time?
I have never been so ready for anything in my life. The stranger hasn’t returned and I feel like my Mark never left in the first place. Those different eyes that stared back at me are a distant memory and all I’m aware of is those blue eyes I have come to know so well, but he still won’t touch me.
We have both started college now, Mark’s time is just as we thought, he’s going to be super busy and I’m going to be the one to support us. I actually feel quite excited at the prospect, my brothers would tease me but I know that deep down they would be proud of me. I keep myself to myself in classes, just concentrating on what my professors say so I can get through the work as best I can. The sooner I can show my worth the sooner we can both go back to New York and I can join my family’s business. It makes me laugh as I sit with my peers that no one here knows who I really am, no one is aware of the business royalty that runs through my veins. I’m just like everyone else here, waiting, just waiting to show the world what they have to offer. It’s a dog-eat-dog world and right here, right now, I’m just as vulnerable, just as desperate as Lucy who sits next to me at every lesson. Just like everyone else. Mark keeps asking why I have to do it like this, why I don’t use the Bryant card, but as much as I try I don’t think he really understands my reasoning. No one does, not really, only me. To Mark I think this is all a big game. He has more lessons than me, more work, but most nights when I get home I sit around working on my classwork until Mark decides to come home drunk or just merry. He doesn’t do it every night but as the weeks go by it seems to get more and more frequent and I don’t know why.
I must be doing something wrong if he doesn’t want to come back to me when he can. He reassures me, tells me he loves me but something just doesn’t feel right.
I feel lonely, I feel all alone in this new world, but there is somewhere where it all goes away. Some place where I can feel like I matter. That what I’m doing is worth the emptiness that tries to engulf me on a daily basis. The café. My little solitude, my refuge. I settle into my job, my life at the café, and I love it. It gets so busy at times that it just flies away from me in a blur of dust but it’s so much fun I can’t wait to go every day. Everyone is really nice customers and staff have welcomed me with open arms. I’ve been getting more confident with taking orders with each shift I have and I’m getting used to the regulars just like they are getting used to me. Every day just after three o’clock in the afternoon a sweet little couple come in for afternoon tea and a cake. Every time I see them I can’t help but see my mom and dad’s future laid out in front of me and I secretly hope It can be my future too. They enter the cafe holding hands, he holds the door open for her and pulls out her chair like a true gentleman. They always order the same thing and as they sit at their table waiting for me to bring their order they look into each other’s eyes, their love still shining through those eyes like they have only just met. My mom and dad have always been loved up, affectionate to each other. When I was younger I thought they were the only ones, that they were the lucky ones, but luck is all around us. Two of my brothers have found it. Mom and Dad have found it and even though each couple have all gone through hell they couldn’t be any happier now and I know that’s what I want with Mark. This old couple have found it and I have hopefully found it too. My body tingles as I think of Mark, how much I love him and how we can be just like this old couple and my parents, my brothers. My core starts to ache with need again as Mark suffocates my thoughts, I want to feel his fingers on my naked skin, I want him to take me where no one has gone before.
“How are you finding it here, Hope?” I look up from the table I am wiping over as Tasha’s voice drifts through our empty work space. It’s been a busy Saturday and Tash has just pulled down the closed sign and I feel like I can finally breathe again.
“I’m getting used to it. I’m so busy, though, I don’t think I have much time to think of it.”
“Is your course part time?”
“No, full.”
“Full time? And you work here as much as you do too?”
“I do, and I get so tired but I’m loving it.” It’s just what I was hoping for, I can pay my way through college without any help from by parents and still get through my college work without my name being mentioned once.
“It seems so much and you’re only seventeen. I wouldn’t let my daughter do it all.” Neither would my parents but I gave them no choice. I look up from the table again and I can see the annoyed look that has flashed through her eyes.
“What does this guy want? Can’t he see we’re closed?” I hear the ding of the front door and roll my eyes, they’ve had all day to come in and they choose to arrive just as we are closing. I just want to go home and snuggle up with my boyfriend, with a Netflix movie and some chocolate. Oh God, chocolate, I really need chocolate after today.
“I’m sorry, sir, but we are closing.”
“I’m sorry, I just want to take Hope out.” I turn around at his voice and my heart makes an intense jump in my rib cage as I watch him stand by the door with his dark jeans, black smart shoes and his black coat. His hair is damp from a shower and has been brushed back from his face showcasing his hard features and his ice blue eyes, even so he still looks ever so handsome. I walk towards him and wrap my arms around him taking in his smell.
“What are you doing here?”
“I thought we could go out for a meal.” We only have eyes for one another and it’s only us in the room but I can only hope that he feels my need for a quiet night in. My needs seem to go right through him.
“We’ve been here for nearly two months, I thought we should celebrate.” I’m condemned with his words and pleading eyes. Tash suddenly coughs from behind us and my cheeks blush with embarrassment as I turn to look at her for forgiveness.
“It’s ok, you can go on if you want. I’m almost done anyway.”
“Are you sure?” I ask, just wanting to check. I don’t want to leave her with all the work.
“It’s fine, Hope, there’s not too much more to do. You go on. Have a good time you two.” Mark takes my hand in his and as he leads me through the door I say thank you to Tash.
****
He’s not acting right.
All through dinner he hasn’t been himself.
What’s wrong with him?
What have I done? It’s almost like a great weight is holding him down, suffocating him under its crushing weight. I can see the struggle in his eyes as whatever he is thinking of holds him prisoner.
“Are you ok?”
“I’m fine.” Such an abrupt answer that I have to look away from him. The stranger is back, so it seems.
“Are you done? Shall we go?” I watch in silence as he calls for the bill with a click of two fingers and then sits and watches as I lay a few twenty dollar bills on the table. He gets up far too quickly, pushing his chair back with a heavy scratch against the wooden flooring. He doesn’t take my hand as he walks out of the restaurant with me following him like a loyal pet. My heart beats a harsh beat against my chest and worry descends from my head to my toes as I try to keep up with him.
“What’s wrong, Mark?”
“Nothing is wrong.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes I’m sure. Come on, we need to get home.”
What has happened to him today? This isn’t my Mark. We walk in silence but I don’t recognise anything as we keep walking through back alleyways, this isn’t the right way home and I try to tell him but he just keeps moving, not listening to me at all. Fear creeps through every part of me as my world becomes so much darker with each turn he leads me through. We keep walking but we seem to be going further and further out of the city, the gentle hum no longer a distant beat in my ear. It gets to a point where I can no longer allow the answers to my questions to be kept unsaid.
“Where are we going Mark?”
“Shut up.” He looks behind me and that’s when I can hear the heavy footfalls of someone behind us. Mark speeds up our pace, his hand tightens around mine like rope stopping the blood flow to my fingers as my breath keeps catching in the back of my throat, but I’ll go along with anything if he can get us out of this. My sides begin to ache with a stitch, my breathing keeps catching at the back of my throat, and I just want to rest for a moment but we have no time as the tears of worry build in my eyes. The footfalls behind us grow louder as the person behind us gets closer and closer to us, I feel the sense of dread grow as my nose becomes full of the smell of old spice. I can see Mark’s large space between each step as he quickens and the air around us becomes liquid as I can feel the cold air drown my lungs with each minute that seems to pass in slow motion. Mark suddenly stops, the sudden motion takes me by surprise and I crash into his hard body but he does nothing to settle my shaking. He doesn’t move, his line of sight remains on whoever is behind me. Their footsteps getting louder and angrier the closer they get to us. I beg Mark with my eyes to move, to get us out of this situation, but he keeps still. He looms before me like a ghost, unmoving and giving nothing away of his feelings.
“Mark. What’s going on?”
“Mark?”
“For fuck’s sake, will you just shut up.” He bellows at me like I were a dog and I have no idea who this man he has just become is again.
“Is this her?” I hear roughly spoken from behind me and fear washes through my limbs and my feet buckle from underneath me. I see Mark nod his head and then cold angry hands wrap themselves around my middle before I can fall to my knees with a sharp knife effect slicing through my skin before I can steady myself again. Panic rushes through my blood like a strong river flow as my lungs tighten like a noose around my neck as I struggle to breathe. I try to fight his strong hold of me and I look to Mark to say something, to stop this, but he does nothing but smile down at me with a loathing look in his eyes.
“Where’s the van?” Mark asks as I continue to fight against the constrictor that wraps its self around my body.
“Just down there.” The monster behind me says as he begins to push me forward.
I scream.
I scream with all I’m worth as Mark walks forward, showing me his back, and I’m pushed to my death as I’m made to follow. I don’t want to follow, I try pushing my feet into the ground so it’s harder for this brute to take me where he wants but it doesn’t work.
Nothing does, he’s too strong.
“HELP.”
“HELP ME.”
“Shut her up for Christ’s sake. I’ve had enough of her voice.” My eyes begin to fill with tears as his words settle over my heart, washing away anything that was there before as Mark’s voice goes through my ears. Why is he saying all this?
What have I done?
What’s happened to the Mark I love and who loves me?
“Mark, what’s happening?” He stops abruptly and when he turns to look at me it’s as if I’m looking at that different person yet again and this time he could be here to stay. The man I don’t know is back with a vengeance and I have no way out of the world he’s forced onto me. A large unforgiving hand slaps over my mouth and settles, cutting off my airway as he does it.
“We’re going to have some fun.” Mark looks up at the man behind me and then nods his head.
“My love.” I feel a sharp stab in my neck and before I know it my world feels fuzzy and a strange greyness claims me before everything goes black.