Wow, talk about a shock. A good shock though, an amazing shock, but still a total shock. Gus would’ve been less stunned if John had started moving choppy and singing “The Lollipop Guild” from The Wizard of Oz.
She wanted to focus all her thoughts on this moment, live it to its fullest, experience it with her whole being. John asking her out was a breakthrough of epic proportions. Maybe all the vibes she was getting about this pregnancy were wrong. Pregnancy has screwed with every other aspect of my body, why not my intuition?
Andy had told her as much—not the pregnancy screwing with her body part, although he had read every book and was more familiar with a woman’s body than any gay man in history— that John cared about her and was not a homophobic butthole she’d been wondering if he was.
Andy and Marco both respected and adored John and agreed that John and she should be a done deal. Marco went as far as to say John looked at her the way Andy looked at him. Gus didn’t know about that because, whenever Andy looked at Marco, everyone in the room got turned on, and when John looked at her, she was the only one getting wet, it seemed.
Gus couldn’t wait for Andy and Marco to get settled in next door so they could have an even more active role in the pregnancy. They tried to keep a distance at first, not wanting to smother her. But she insisted they needed to be near. So, they rented the nearest place they could, which was a few miles away. Considering the size of her house, it wasn’t practical for them to stay there. She still offered, but they turned her down. Now the house next door finally became available, and they leased it. Gus knew it was killing them to miss out on little things.
Not that they weren’t with her everyday anyway, but three miles to a father, or fathers-to-be, might as well be fifty.
Selfishly, she needed their presence and not just because she was carrying their child. She loved Andy’s practical advice and sage wisdom, as well as Marco’s enthusiasm and whimsy.
She glanced down at her phone and saw it was January calling. She needed to chat with her after their call got cut short the other day, so she couldn’t let it go to voicemail. “Can you hold just a minute?” Gus didn’t wait for her sister to agree, she just muted the phone and put it back down on the counter.
Gus needed a momentary distraction and a chance to breathe. Luckily, she remembered the shirt. “Oh, I have your shirt, just let me grab it.” She headed to her room with purpose, closed the door behind her, and leaned her forehead against the cool wood. She didn’t want to give the shirt back, but it was the only excuse she could think of in the moment to step away. I have a gazillion reasons, bathroom being top of list, and I could’ve keep the shirt a bit longer.
After pushing herself off the door, she made her way to the dresser and opened the top drawer. There sat his baby-blue T-shirt. It looked at home among her bras and underthings. Letting her hand caress it with a soft touch, she spoke to it, “I’m going to miss you.” And she would…miss greeting it each morning with a gentle touch as she got dressed to face the day. She even sniffed it on occasion, although it didn’t smell of him since she washed it. Gus removed it from the drawer and brought it to her nose one last time. With a deep inhale, she left the room. Get it together Gus, you are starting to come off a little creepy.
“Here you go. I washed it.” Real smooth. “Thanks for the yardwork, by the way.” He had taken it off the day he and Michael surprised her by trimming the knee-high grass in the back yard. She had covertly watched John’s tanned shoulder muscles bulge and glisten in the sun in just his tank top after he removed his T-shirt.
“No worries, you know I’m always available should you need m…anything.” Gus could’ve sworn he almost said me, but caught himself.
“Okay, pick me up at five? Sorry, but I eat early.” She then held up one finger in the universal signal of I-need-you-to-wait-one-second-although-I’ll-be-a-half-an-hour-or-more and answered the phone.
“Hey, little sis, what’s up?” As she greeted January, John indicated he was leaving and would call. His goodbye wink was a move she hated to love. She hated she couldn’t enjoy the gesture or the afterglow, but such was her life right now. Partially organized chaos with a dose of all-out what-the-heck described it pretty well. While her sister answered with the typical, “not much,” Gus was aware of the rest of her guests filtering out as well.
She waddled to the couch, eased herself down, and picked up the conversation where they left off last time they spoke. “So, let’s dismiss the pleasantries and get to the point already, Jani.”
“I love you too, sis, and don’t call me Jani, please. Can’t a girl just come and stay with her sister while she’s pregnant without getting the third degree? Oh, and Mom and Dad say hi and they love you.”
“You mean ‘no matter what,’ January. You can say it, I know they put the qualifier at the end.” Gus knew her parents well. The Thornes, loving but controlling. They believed she was ruining her life by having a baby for someone else. They’d had the conversation. Her mother cried and wailed while her father remained stoic and reprimanded her. Gus knew they meant well, but they were stuck in a time that didn’t exist anymore—a time of arranged marriages and virginal brides when children followed the path the parents laid out for them with no questions asked.
Gus did appreciate January’s attempt to protect her from the pain of her mother’s inadvertent slight and overt judgment.
“I’m sorry, Augusta, but you know how they are. They love us and want what’s best for us. Enough about them, how are you? Big as a house yet?”
“Gee thanks, and no, I’m not. I’m doing well, and so is baby. We are growing at the perfect rate for thirty-six weeks. My love life sucks, but it’s starting to look up as of a few minutes ago.”
January interrupted. “Ooooo, do tell.”
“Nope. I refuse to jinx it. But I do want to hear about why you are anxious to come to Florida and stay with your pregnant sister when you should be starting your new life. Graduating college wasn’t the end, you know. There’s this thing called a career that comes next.” Gus laughed. She was just giving her sister a hard time. She had her life laid out in front of her, courtesy of Timothy and Melody Thorne. A moment of guilt invaded Gus’ lightened mood. It always did when she thought about when she left home.
“I told you already, I want to be there for you. Mom and Dad only saw fit to give me one sister, so I got stuck with you.”
“Ha, it’s the other way around, I got stuck with you. I was there long before you graced us with your perfect presence. I joke, but seriously, I know you love me and want to be here for me, but I get the distinct impression there is more to it than that. Spill, and I’ll consider it.”
“Okay, fine. You always were all about feelings and that hippy shit.”
“January, language.”
“Please, it’s not like you haven’t said or heard worse.”
“I know, but it’s weird coming from my baby sister, so humor me. Now, spill. I don’t have all day. I have to go live in group and then get ready for dinner with John.” Gus was practically beaming about both those things. Going live in her group today would be so much different than any other time.
When Gus decided to do this whole baby-oven thing, she looked for support everywhere, even Facebook. She found plenty of groups for typical surrogacy situations, but not many for hers, so as the saying goes, “if the book you want to read hasn’t been written, then write it.” Well, something like that. She had no dreams of writing a book, but she did start a group and was taken aback by how many women like her there were.
The group had grown right along with her belly. Now she did regular live feeds and they discussed their problems with each other. Number one on the list…dating, and finding love and/or keeping it. Gus couldn’t wait to share this ray of hope with them. Her life had been getting more and more depressing in that arena. No one seemed to have any positive news on that front, until now. She could give them the giddy expectation, and then a postdate wrap up. Although, if things go my way, that will be a morning broadcast.
“Okay, I’ll spill, if you will. Deal?”
“Deal.”
“Okay, I love you dearly and do want to spend time with you, but also, I need to get the heck outta Dodge. Mom and Dad are driving me nuts. Dad is all about getting me my company ID. Do you know he gave me the security forms at graduation? Like a gift or something. Then Mom and Chadwick started talking wedding planners. Freaking wedding planners, Gus.”
“Oh, my God, you’re engaged? Why didn—”
Gus’ squeal was cut off with a very frustrated sounding reply, “Argh. No, I’m not. Not in the traditional sense, anyway. Mom, Dad, and Chadwick are planning our wedding, and I was never even asked. Look, I just need to get away, sort all this out. Be with my big sister when she brings a child into the world and find a way to reconcile what I want with the life I am destined to live.”
Gus knew that feeling all too well; she was a major disappointment because she left to pursue some “hippy dream” and threw their “gifts” back in her parents’ faces. Well, if I’m so hippy to them, why did they name their kids January Snow and Augusta Rain? Maybe that was why, they were making up for their own hippy phase. Gus knew they held the reins on Jan twice as hard because of her, so she didn’t hesitate. “Pack your bags and get here as soon as you can. You can stay as long as you like, and we will figure things out for you, okay? But for now, I really must go. I love you and will give you all the details when you get here.”
Gus barely heard January’s, “Thanks, love you, too,” before she ended the call, grabbed her laptop, and went live.
In only a few minutes, her viewers were up to twenty-three. That was pretty usual. Those were the women closest to her situation and due date. They, like her, had judgmental people in their lives and craved the camaraderie this little Facebook group afforded them.
Gus condensed the whole situation with John from earlier to about three minutes. As soon as she got to the part where he asked her out, the questions started to flow.
“So, Marylyn, hi Marylyn. Marylyn asked if John’s attitude toward the pregnancy has changed. Well, I don’t know. I know he still looked at me with disappointment, but something shifted. Not all good. I almost felt like it was a pity date or something, but if I don’t give it a chance to run its course, I’ll never forgive myself. I truly believe there is something I’m not getting. Maybe in his past or, I hate to even think, homophobia. Neither father believes that to be the case, and John’s a good man. But there is something going on. I’m hoping I can break through and find it, put his fears to rest, and maybe give us a chance at being a couple.”
Gus scanned the screen and mumbled to herself before speaking aloud, “No Ginger, Stacy is being zero help. But, I can understand that. They are close, and if he has secrets, they are not hers to tell. He protected hers, I have no doubt she’ll protect his.”
Scanning the live questions again, Gus found one she couldn’t resist reliving.
“Carrie wants to know about my falling in love with John, and how I know he’s a good man, or rather, a good man for me. Well, this is a long one. I’ve told you the story of Skynyrd, and I think that was when the seed was planted. With the matchmaking efforts going on around me to get Dax and myself together, we, or at least, I, ignored it. We didn’t flirt the way most people do when a crush is new. We pretended it was nothing. Since I still feel giddy about it, to me, that means it must be something special. Something more than just butterflies in my stomach and wet underwear because it’s exciting and new.” Then lower, more to herself than anyone else, she added, “I just know it is.”
Gus paused for a moment and enjoyed a few private memories. Not all were for public consumption. The look in John’s eyes when their lips almost met. It wasn’t just all crackling heat, there was a reverence there—a look that told her John knew too, the moment their lips met would be cataclysmic and life-altering. Of course, that never happened.
In reflection, Gus realized those big bang type moments were not what strengthened and solidified the love she felt for him the most. Sure, they did their part, no doubt about that, but it was the sum of all the small things. The intensity of his gaze on her when she was telling one of her patented OTT—over the top—Gus tales, as Erika dubbed them. It was in the gentle touch of his hand and the sincerity in his aphrodisiac voice when he asked how she was feeling or how a session went or how her dinner was.
The sexy wink he always added just for her when they parted didn’t hurt either. It seemed the man never asked her a question that he didn’t genuinely want to know the answer to. John was not a man to ask a socially acceptable question for the sake of being polite. If he asked, he dang sure wanted to know.
Maybe it was the love and care he put into his relationship with his sister that melted her heart. Perhaps it was the way he lit up when he talked about raising his brother, or the way he darkened when speaking of his death that nurtured the budding love she had for him.
The way he treated Francis and Frank most definitely stole a piece of her heart. Even though closer to their age than to their biological children, Walker and Tori, he allowed them to parent him the way they did the rest of the gang—not for his benefit, although it would always be that too, but for theirs. It was who they were as people.
Gus had a private laugh at that thought, because John and Frank shared that fatherly role in Michael’s life.
A low battery notification on her laptop pulled her from the sonnet of all things John and back to her live feed. Apparently, she had been in la-la land for a bit, because she had to scroll past a whole butt-ton of “HELLO” and “ARE YOU FROZEN” messages to get to the last question she was supposed to answer.
“Okay guys, I’ve gotta run. My computer is dying, and I need to get ready. To summarize, yes, I believe there is hope for people in our situation. If someone isn’t worthy of our love, then they will weed themselves out. But, if they are still around, you know there is something there. I love John. I have for a while, and as much as he has been distant lately, he is still around, and he did ask me out, so, who knows where it will lead. However, you ladies will get the exclusive, minus the personal details, if I’m lucky, in the morning. So, for tonight, ladies, remember, you are worthy and deserve love. Never settle. While our actions may be flawed, that does not mean we are broken. That applies to others, as well. Y’all are so much more than a few decisions in your life and much stronger than you think.”
Gus clicked the “end feed” button and headed for her room with the laptop in tow. After she plugged it in, she decided it was time to get cleaned up and out of the ridiculous layers of clothes she was still wearing.
As she removed the sweats, she paused in her lingerie and looked at herself with new, hopeful eyes. She decided to take her own words to heart. She was worthy, and she wouldn’t settle. If John couldn’t love her, then she would find a way to move on. She had to—for herself and for the health of the baby she was carrying. Gus needed to embrace happiness, even if that meant letting John go.
She tracked her reflection and prayed she didn’t have to let him go. The longer she stared, the more comfortable she became. The more appreciation she had for her changing body. The more she believed maybe John was appreciating it too.
There it was, the most wicked of all four-letter words. Hope. Not only was it the most evil but the most heavenly, too.
A true duality—such danger, yet such promise—all held within one word.
Four little letters—two consonants and two vowels that can destroy or build, and one never knows which it will do until it is already in the past.