The comment she feared most just popped up on her live feed. If you just stopped loving him overnight, then how could you call it love at all? Yep, there it was taunting her from the computer screen.
Augusta knew it was coming from the minute she highlighted the other night with John on her weekly live feed—without too many private details, of course. She had just gone live a few days ago to do an in-between update, but this was the one where no topic was really off the table. It was these weekly no-holds-barred interactions that had brought this group so close together.
It was time to pull on her big girl underwear and respond. “Okay, in response to Lessa's comment, I did not stop loving him overnight. I’m afraid that the kind of love I have for John will transcend my time here on this Earth but, I am a human being. I need companionship, compassion, and yes, love, both physical and emotional. Just because I have decided to seek company via dating, doesn’t mean I plan on having sex with someone or jumping into a relationship.”
Gus paused to gather her emotions. “I need dinner with someone who looks at me for me. I need to have my hand held on occasion, and my cheek touched with that kind of tenderness that makes you burrow into the hand caressing it. And yes, eventually, I will need a more physical relationship. Just because I do not believe I can love someone to the same magnitude with which I do John, does not mean I can’t love. All humans are capable of love, no matter how much of their heart they have given away, or what lurks in the past.”
That last statement stung and stoked Gus’ anger. All humans, including John. He simply chose not to when she had chosen to allow herself to love him. It was a conscious decision to let herself fall in love with John. It was a deliberate choice to continue to love him in the face of his reluctance, and now it was her choice to direct the rest of her ability to care toward herself, and someday, another man.
“Ladies, I am simply open to the possibility, should it present itself. When John came into my life, I closed my heart to any others. That was before I even loved him, but I can’t continue to do that for another year. It’s clear he isn’t ready to even consider me and unclear if he ever will be. Plus, one of the things I love most about him is his sense of honor, but I will not use that to trap him. If he thinks I am pining away for him and that he encouraged me, then his honor will draw him back, because he will feel guilty that I haven’t moved on.”
Gus paused to scroll the comments again. They were furiously posting—a mix of how can you even think it, to good for you, and everything in between. She needed to explain why she was making her choice, which required a bit more disclosure. This group was all about honesty, thrived on it.
“Okay, ladies, let me explain a little more. I am only going to go into as much detail that is needed to help you understand where I am operating from. You deserve my experience since you all share yours freely. I should have explained all this the other day, but my heart wasn’t ready to discuss it.” Gus steadied herself with a deep, cleansing breath.
“During dinner, I could feel John shutting down, not because he wasn’t interested, but because he was making a choice to put distance between us. I watched his internal struggle play out like a black and white movie in every blink of his eyes and twitch of his jaw. He has made a choice not to be open to a relationship with me. When we got ready to leave, he dropped the mother of all friend-zone bombs, the ‘we need to talk’ nuclear warhead.” Gus became more animated as her anger overwhelmed her hurt—air quotes and flailing arms.
“I told him I understood but wanted to shove the talk until later. I felt my anger rise and my pain flow. I decided to savor every second left of the night then give him his freedom. Then, in the foyer, we became…intimate.” The blush was so intense, Gus didn’t need to see herself on the computer screen to know she has turned a shade of crimson. The questions flying up the screen didn’t help, but she refused to detail it for the group. It was bad enough she was kissing and telling, she would not give a play-by-play.
“We did not have sex, and I will not tell you what base he made it to. What I will say is when it was…over, the look on his face shredded my very soul. A mix of regret, shame, and self-recrimination, just to name a few, troubled his strong, chiseled features. It hurt worse than anything I have ever experienced. Not just because it embarrassed me and cut me as a woman, but because I had inadvertently caused that strong, beautiful man to dislike himself. That, I cannot deal with.”
An insistent doorbell followed by rapid-fire knocking interrupted her. Good thing too, because she was drowning in emotions.
“I didn’t realize we ran so long. I know you have a million more question, but my baby sis is at the door. I’ll hop on later and answer any new questions y’all post. For now, much love to you all and remember, you are stronger than you think. Gotta run.”
January got delayed, but she was finally here. Gus was ecstatic. She signed off, ended the live feed, and shouted at the front door, “Hold your horses, January Snow.” Making her way to the door, she waited for the expected reply.
“Wild horses can’t be held for long. They are untamed and free, just like we should be.” Contradictory emotions warred in Gus’ heart. On one side, she was happy to hear her sister mimicking the answer Gus always delivered to their mother when she tried to rein them in. The other side of the battlefield was occupied by guilt. Jan wasn’t free, Gus had left her little sister in the dust when she threw off her saddle and broke free from her parents’ bridle.
It mattered not that Gus had tried, for years, to fit into that cage her parents gilded for her, to spare Jan the pain of being groomed. Gus couldn’t do it anymore. One day, when she looked in the mirror and realized she lost herself, she bolted, leaving January the only one for her parents to focus on. At the time, Augusta didn’t think about that, didn’t think about anything but finding the true her and holding on tight.
It worked. She had a wonderful life of her own design here, but at what costs to Jan? I’ll never forgive myself for leaving her, especially if anyone other than Jan is controlling her destiny.
Gus opened the door to see the most stunning woman she’d ever laid eyes on. From the day she saw her in her hospital bassinette, Gus had thought there wasn’t a more beautiful person created. Looking at the svelte, blonde knockout standing on her porch, hand poised to rap on the door again, just confirmed it. Her little sister was breathtaking.
“Oh, my God, Gus, look at you. You are glowing. Pregnancy becomes you. You are freaking hot.” The words coming from her sister meant more than if from anyone else.
January dropped her bags, and they shared a much-needed embrace. Gus didn’t realize how much until Jan’s lithe arms held her with a strength that didn’t seem possible for such a petite young woman. The tears flowed freely from both sisters. It was a good five minutes before each one took on the role of caretaker and began wiping away the other’s drops of sadness and joy, laugh-crying while they did it.
Once more, they embraced…and cried. Finally, when they made their way to the couch, they sat leaning against each other and enjoyed the silence; it spoke volumes. Apologies for transgressions both perceived and real. Words of love and longing for each other’s company. The silence also spoke of both Gus and Jan’s pain. There was so much radiating from both, it made the air thick and hard to breathe. Gus knew she would still voice her apologies to her sister; she needed to. But it was obvious in the void of words between them that Jan had already forgiven her.
But I haven’t forgiven myself.
“So, little sister, why am I the last to hear you’re engaged?” Gus grabbed her sister’s hand with the ring on it. Jan snatched her appendage back, struggled to remove the ring, and then shoved it in her pocket.
“It’s not what you think, Gus, and I would rather drop the whole thing, if that’s okay with you. Besides,” Jan tucked her feet under her and turned toward her big sister and grabbed both her hands, “I’m here for you, not to talk about my shitstorm of a life.”
“Language.”
“I’m an adult; I curse; get over it. Sooooo, tell me what’s up, especially with the silver fox.”
“How do you…oh, the videos. Well, there’s nothing to tell, Jan. I fell too hard and too deep, which is my M.O. and well, he didn’t. The end.” Needing to sever the physical connection with Jan, Gus rose and headed toward the kitchen. She would break down and start blubbering about love and her dreams with John and never have the backbone to back off like she needed to do—for her sake and his.
Of course, Jan followed. Gus was furiously making sandwiches when Jan stepped up and took the knife from her before she hurt herself, and just hugged her again. No more questions or judgement, just love and acceptance. Exactly what she needed.
“Oh Jan, I’ve got to let it go, I mean I have to, but it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”
“Please, lady, you are strong. You broke away from our parents; this will be a cake walk,” Jan whispered through her hair. Gus ignored the statement. She wasn’t ready to deal with that just yet. There was too much on her plate at present to take a bite of that casserole.
For the first time, Gus ended the embrace first. She was too close to the edge, not just about John, but where Jan was concerned to be able to maintain that physical contact and not start blabbing all her transgressions.
“Do you want a sandwich?” Gus returned to her task.
“Um, no. I don’t want cold bread, or cold meat, or condiments. And don’t get me started on cheese. Yuck.”
“Wow, still? I thought you would have outgrown that or Mother would’ve trained it out of you by now. “A proper lady isn’t picky. She can throw it up later if it didn’t appeal to her, but she should be courteous to her hostess.” They both devolved into laughter as Gus adopted their mother’s voice.
“She tried, believe me, she tried. She served me the same plate for seven meals in a row. Said I would eventually get hungry enough to eat it. I was this close to giving in by the second time, but I had a stash of Corn Nuts. I ate like five at a time so I could last for about five days or so, but Dad stepped in and put his foot down. Said I was too skinny and she needed to back off.” Jan casually grabbed an apple from the basket and took a bite like she hadn’t just shared an epic moment in the life of the perfect Thornes.
“Wait, seriously?”
Jan just continued crunching her apple.
“Our father, Timothy Raymond ‘Thunder’ Thorne, stood up to Mother? Took your side over hers?”
“Yep, shocked the shit out of me.” Gus was so stunned, she didn’t bother to scold January for her cursing. She just stood there. For a moment, she was jealous of Jan; Dad had never stood up for Gus. One look at her beautiful baby sister and that jealousy faded fast. Thank you powers that be, at least she had someone finally looking out for her…since I left her alone in that wolves’ den.
“Tell me everything. I want details. What did Mom do? Did she flip out? Why did you never tell me this story before?”
“First, I don’t know the details of that night because Mother cordially ordered me from the room. No raised voice, nothing. She gave me a hundred-dollar bill and asked me to take my bike or the bus and go to dinner and not return until I had eaten my fill. I left. I knew better than to question that level of calm.”
“Wow. What happened when you got back?”
“I walked in, and they were seated in Dad’s office having after-dinner drinks like normal and never mentioned it again. Dad was back under her control, and I had somehow won the battle but lost the war. I went to bed, and it was never spoken of again…that is, until I brought it up, along with a laundry list of other stuff, right before I called you.” January threw away her apple core and grabbed her bags. “I don’t want to talk about our parents, if you don’t mind. Show me to my room?”
Of course, you don’t want to talk about them, duh, I don’t blame you. Gus was able to pull the rest of the story from Jan. It happened the week she had left. Her baby sister was just thirteen, and she went days with just Corn Nuts. What kind of mother force-feeds and starves her thirteen-year-old daughter? Melody Margaret (hurricane force) “Windsong” Thorne, self-appointed dictator of feminine perfection, that’s who.
“Of course, honey, right down here.” Gus started leading Jan through the house. “Do you want me to get you a job at Erika and Tori’s store? I’ve already mentioned it, and you just need to say the word. They would be thrilled to have you. Since they are taking a more corporate role, they are looking for someone with your degree for the day-to-day.” Gus was amused by that thought. Everyone seemed to be growing and changing so much lately—maturing, nurturing relationships, making business deals, and starting families—everyone but her. She was stagnating and as soon as she gave birth, then what? There was no relationship to devote more time to. No business to take a back-seat in. Just her and her ever-changing hair color and alternative therapy.
The thought was depressing, but not as depressing as what Jan was facing, so…time to suck it up, buttercup, and do what you can to help your baby sister with whatever your parents are putting her through. Your pathetic life will still be there later.
“They pay well and, unlike a lot of retail, they offer benefits if you stay on long enough. I’ve given it some thought, and…why does this arrangement have to be temporary? I know you have a great job waiting for you working for Dad, but have you given any thought to, I don’t know, maybe staying around here, around me? I know you have a fiancé now and all, and a shiny new diploma, but maybe he would move here and we could be close and…” Gus was rambling, having second thoughts. She wanted to give her sister an option outside of being under the control of their parents forever.
When the Thornes are displeased, they let it be known far and wide. If Jan was employed by them, what would they do? Fire her, cut off her source of income and independence? No, I can’t let that happen. I must offer her options.
Gus couldn’t offer a cushy office job yet, but with her business degree, Erika and Tori had indicated they would hire her for more than just running a store if she stuck around. She could make a place here. Here, by me. Where I can protect her now the way I should have years ago.
January grabbed Augusta and spun her around, gently. “Gus, I love you, and I don’t blame you for anything. As much as I would love to stay here, with you, I can’t even begin to make a decision like that. I hope you understand. However, I do need this time to find myself and all that bullshit, and who knows, things may change. Miracles happen sometimes, right? Maybe not for Thornes, as a rule, but for others. Maybe I’ll be the first. Besides, I have a job lined up already. One just for fun, but tell your friends thanks all the same.”
January’s laugh was hollow and her words laced with resignation, not hope as they indicated. She had given up. This really was just a last hoorah for her before she accepted her fate. Gus planned to do everything in her power to change that, and if she couldn’t de-program her sister, she was darn sure going to make this a time to remember for Jan.
It’s the least I can do…since it’s my fault in the first place. Just because Jan was resolved to her fate, that didn’t mean Gus had to be. As soon as she got her own ducks in a row, she’d help her baby sis do the same.
The need for answers from Jan almost overwhelmed Gus’ intuition to back off. Luckily, her intuition won because it was obvious that if she pushed her sister, it would be right back home, and that wouldn’t do.
“Sure thing, sis, right this…” Gus was interrupted by a scratching, hissing fur ball barreling down the hall like his ass was on fire…straight into Jan’s room.
“Lemme guess, Rick?”
“Um, yeah, that would be him. Sorry about that, but now that he is in your room, you’ll have to leave the door open so he can get out.”
They entered the room and saw no sign of the whirlwind that just cut them off in the hallway. Jan tossed her bags on the bed and bent down to solve the mystery of where the cat was hiding. “I’ve got good news and bad news, which do you want first?”