KILLIAN

 

I didn’t understand Lucy and yet understood her all too well.

She viewed this spoiling not with glee, but rather trepidation. Any other woman would’ve pushed her way forward, making claim on my home, arm, and wallet. Not Lucy.

She sat there, clearly forgetting she was a goddess gracing us with her presence. Not the other way around.

One day I’d have to teach her that.

Lanita, as lovely as ever, tilted her head back for a kiss of greeting. “How are you, Killian? Good I hope.”

“Very good. Thanks for coming on such short notice.”

“It’s my pleasure.” She peeped around my shoulder. “And there’s our lovely girl.”

Lanita floated past me, focus completely centered on Lucy. Her assistants fanned about, poised and ready to do their jobs at any moment. I shadowed her. I’d deny it later but I felt protective over Little Lucy.

She faced Russians with a coo and a smile, but was so afraid of the women whose very livelihood depended on pleasing her. Strange that.

Besides, didn’t she know I’d throw them all out in a second flat if they insulted her or purposely hurt her feelings in any way?

Lucy’s gaze flitted between us, wariness reaching out to choke me for a second before hiding behind a professional smile.

No, she didn’t know it at all. Bad Lucy.

“Hello! I’m Lanita. Killian has tasked me with helping you find a dress. I’m confident you’ll love so many of my choices you’ll find it difficult to pick just one.”

Clever Lanita.

I picked up my cue. “Whatever she wants.”

“Just the words I love to hear.”

And no, this did not come from Lucy.

What did come from her was “I’m not sure what Mr. King has shared about why I’m here, but a shopping spree isn’t on the list.”

“Lucy, never tell a designer that,” I cut in while gliding over to her side. My hands cupped her shoulders, feeling their stiffness. “She’ll make it her mission to make my bank account eat your words.”

 Lanita laughed, her assistants joining her. Lucy, however, found no humor in me.

“That won’t happen.”

If we were alone, I’d lean down to whisper in Lucy’s ear. Something audacious. Or playful. Instead, I took my place next to her before linking an arm through hers. “Let’s sit here while Lanita gets things ready for you.”

Being the professional that she was, Lanita took her cue.

“It will only take five minutes to set up.”

“Down the hall, third door on the right.”

I sat close enough for our thighs to touch. Hands fisted on knees, my goddess threw me a sharp, warning glance. Of course, I ignored it. 

“Miss Lucy?”

An assistant held out a tray. “Would you care for a glass?”

“Miss Lucy prefers not to drink champagne.”

I said this smoothly, obviously surprising Lucy and filling me with another surge of protectiveness. Ridiculous considering that after tonight, Lucy Martin’s eyes would glow with rage rather than appreciation.

It’s not too late to turn back.

“Sparkling water then?”

Lucy looked at me, seemingly for permission, before realizing her docility. Obviously, she didn’t like it. Or perhaps she saw something else in my eyes. Either way, Lucy shifted her legs and shoulders.

“Yes, thank you.”

Damn, but this was supposed to be fun. Watching Lucy dress up for me, guiding her decisions, seeing her become a creature of my making—it stirred up something visceral.

Primal and possessive.

Yet, I didn’t like how on edge Lucy became from the moment I mentioned Lanita. I’d like to think it was jealousy, but no. Lucy practically vibrated unhappiness and I was confident it had little to do with me and more to do with insecurity.

Again. How the fuck was that even possible?

Lucy was one of the most beautiful women I’d ever seen. The way she moved arrested my attention every time I had the damned luck to see her in action. Pacing from one side of my office to the other, walking down the hall, driving me insane and inspiring the need to chase after her.

It angered me.

Lucy was all that I didn’t fucking want. She drove me insane. Being in her presence ripped apart my intellect.

But I needed her and I damned well didn’t understand why.

Just like I no longer understood why we were even here. Plans I’d constructed disintegrated and all with the tiny frown she couldn’t hide.

I truly believed Lucy would love the chance to play Cinderella, to have my attention completely focused on her. Arrogance?

What else was fucking new?

But the longer I sat here, surreptitiously watching Lucy sip her drink, the more I doubted tonight’s course of action.

Lanita arrived just in time for me to call her name.

“Yes, Killian?”

“Give us the room.”

“Of course. Call for us when you’re ready. Ladies?”

I waited until I heard the door close in the makeshift dressing room. Kindness and mercy were the qualities of better men, but I found in this instance I was capable of mimicking them.

“Lucy.”

“Yes?”

“Lucy, look at me.”

Several moments ground by until she set her glass down. She met my gaze, ebony eyes brimming with panic and desperate bravery. I moved to lean towards her, pausing when she shifted back before freezing in place.

Much like a statue caught coming to life. An abomination.

 “Lucy.”

“Yes, Killian?”

Once I made concessions, I had to accept the consequences. Lucy would stay at King Cosmetics. And I would continue to change into a man I no longer recognized.

The weight of my decision crushed me, but only long enough for me to say, “I can call this all off. We can go back to work and then you’ll take me to dinner. Greasy burgers, fries, all that delicious salt. What do you say?”

Lucy’s relief punched me in the gut. All the petty cruelties I’d heaped upon her these last two weeks hadn’t done a tenth of the damage as today. A bitter grin took control of my mouth.

It really shouldn’t come as a surprise that when I attempted to be kind it turned out like this.

“Won’t that inconvenience Lanita and her people?”

“I don’t give a fuck if it does.”

“What do you give a fuck about?”

This was the first time I’d heard Lucy curse. Refreshing. Worrying.

“You, Lucy. I give a fuck about you.”

Truth had a way with me. Rather, I had a way of mangling the words into something unrecognizable. I was never believed when I spoke it.

“Really, Killian. What do you care about?”

“What do you?”

She sighed and leaned back. “Helping people.”

“And you’re here to help me by putting on pretty dresses. Is that how you see it?”

“It’s important to you.”

“You’d submit to doing something you absolutely despise just because you think it’d help me? That I really care whether you’re dressed in designer or something off the rack?”

“Yes, because you do care.”

Her simple clarity made me throw my hands up in the air. “Madre de Dios! Lucy, really?”

“Why are you so angry? I’m here as I agreed.”

“Looking as if I’m holding a gun to your head.”

Lucy paled. “I…I…I don’t feel that, Killian.”

“Why are you so scared? Tell me true.”

She shook her head, a stingy movement. “There’s nothing to tell.”

Frustration sharpened my tongue. “Cut the shit, Lucy. You’re shaking and sweating. All for a bit of shopping? I think not. Just tell the truth.”

“What do you want me to say?”

Lucy’s pleasing became a weapon she wielded deftly. I ignored the blow. Mind tunneling through the last fifteen minutes, I said, “I know what this is about.”

Her lips tightened, but she kept silent.

I got down on one knee before Lucy, taking both her hands in mine. “You’re afraid of Lanita because of what she represents. That you’re not good enough. That you’re ordinary and beneath the value of one of those over-priced dresses. It’s simply not true, Lucy. Those clothes are no different than the lip balm you’re wearing right now or the shoes on your feet.”

“Ones you make fun of every chance you get.”

“Not every chance. I haven’t made fun of them today, have I?” A grudging smile appeared and the heaviness in mine lightened. I kissed her hand, bold as ever. “Listen, let’s send them all away and just go back to the office.”

Lucy’s attention scattered about, bouncing from ceiling to floor and back before settling just where I needed.

On me.

“No.”

“No?”

“No. I don’t…I don’t want to go back. I’ve enjoyed today.”

“The ice cream was delicious.”

There. She smiled again. If I could just keep her grinning, everything would turn out. Not the way it should, maybe, but the way I could live with. For today at least.

“I liked being out. With you.”

“Do tell.”

“There’s nothing much to tell. Just that I liked your kindness.”

“My kindness. How…uninspiring.”

Was I fishing for compliments? Never.

“Not in my world. It means something.”

“What? Kindness.”

Lucy freed one of her hands, ignoring the pressure I kept on it. I didn’t mind as much when she brushed her fingertips against my cheek. “It’s one of the things I value most in life. So thank you.”

Her sincerity couldn’t be torn down.

“Not so uninspiring then. All right, Lucy. Tell me what you’d like us to do.”

“Anything I want?”

“Within reason, but yes.” I didn’t realize I could talk to anyone this gently. Not without getting something in return.

“Help me pick out a dress. Make sure it fits right, you know. Then we’ll go out, have dinner, and just be two people, practicing kindness to one another.”

Anyone else and I’d know it was dirty talk. But Lucy meant it at face value.

She gave me her way, wanting to please, but also wanting to forget. Something, I didn’t know what, but my curiosity honed in on its insidious presence.

Two weeks ago, I would’ve made a crass comment. I would’ve pounced on her shock and forced the truth to avalanche, begging for it to level me.

But kindness…something I knew once before I became me…stayed my viperous tongue. Crushed it into submission.

I picked up her abandoned drink and pressed it into her small hand.

“To kindness, Lucy.”  

“To kindness.”

She said it, hesitant and looking for me to guide her into new territory, before taking a sip. The water barely passed her lush lips before it passed mine. The faint outline of Lucy’s lip print remained on the glass and therefore, on me.

My truth came through in bits and drabbles. I didn’t want Lucy to go. I didn’t want to push her away, hurt her, make her regret ever knowing my name.

No longer. At least, not tonight.

Just a little more time with her…that’s all I need…then I’ll let her go. Walk away. Forget she ever existed.

Except Lucy chose her fate. I’d given her a way out and she closed the door. There was only one way tonight could end and then it’d all be over.

This wasn’t my fault.

“Shall we begin?”

Lucy drew her shoulders back, stubborn chin up, and armor back in place. Except this time, she didn’t close me out. She let me reside within, a fellow secret keeper.

“All right. Make me beautiful?”

“I’m afraid I can’t do that, Lucy.”

“Why not?”

Vulnerable, eyes blacker than the starless night, Lucy look at me in shades of despair. These were always the moment I struck. Habit formed the words and then disintegrated with one gentle touch on her cheek.

This sweet girl, innocent and sincere, leaned closer, just enough to make me want more.

“Oh Lucy, don’t you understand yet? I can’t make you what you already are.”

Tears. The very thing I was familiar with, but this was different. They didn’t burn with the lash of recrimination. They blessed me.

Lucy reached up and placed her hand over mine. She whispered, “Thank you.”

This woman was a threat to me and the life I’d carved out. I never wanted to get attached to anyone, not after losing Mom, but crouched before her…

I fucking wanted more than what I’d accepted all these years. Now it was my turn to close the door on a different path.

Lucy’s lips beckoned. Plush, a dream to kiss and taste. I could do it right now. I wanted it. She wanted it.

In a flash, I stood up. But not before I pressed my lips against her cool forehead.

She was mine to torment, tease, and praise. For this moment, I would be merciful because tonight...tonight I’d tear right through Lucy and she’d never forgive seeing the real me.

Someone who drove everyone away and still didn’t understand why. Someone who was no better than an angry child.

“Killian?”

Goddamn the ache in her voice echoed the one in my heart. Stupid, useless heart. There was no reason to be this attached to her. She was the instrument of my humiliation and suffering. I’d learned long ago to never give anyone that kind of power.

We are who we are and that never changes. No matter how pretty we make the wrapper.

No turning back now…

“Lanita! We’re ready for you.”