LUCY

 

I closed the door behind me and sagged against it. Killian’s pain broke the lock on mine. It was obvious that Theresa King was a wonderful mother, everything a boy or girl could ever wish for.

As much as I’d love to say the same—I couldn’t. My mom tried. I knew she did. She loved me too, but…she just wasn’t strong enough to handle the blows of a toxic marriage, a kid, and not a lot of options.

Or maybe it wasn’t the blows. Maybe it was the battle within that did her in.

All I knew was that watching her self-destruct, not being able to reach her no matter how I tried…maybe it wasn’t exactly like watching a parent die from cancer but it had to be close.

Bitterness, rage, and despair ate my mother alive until there was nothing left but a rotting body.

I saw the same thing in Killian. It’d taken root years before I ever met him, but I couldn’t stand it existing.

The idea of losing yet another person to that emotional wasteland…

Taking deep breaths, I forced my thumping heart to calm. I needed to center myself. I’d be of no use to anyone if I let fear control me.

I’d suffered under the weight of that emotion for too many years to count. I wasn’t going to willingly bow beneath its weight again.

Besides, Killian was a lot stronger than my mom. His arrogance would save him if nothing else.

Turning, I rested my cheek against the closed door. I felt myself become possessed by the desire to slip into bed with Killian. Not to have sex with him necessarily, but because I was afraid if I didn’t hold onto him now—I’d lose him forever.

Everything was out of control and nothing had turned out the way I wanted.

It was far too late for me to pretend I simply had a professional interest in Killian or that my infatuation was transitionary. I suspected he already knew.

My heartbeat drummed in my ears as my face grew hot.

How embarrassing! Was that why he was rather nice? Of course. He felt sorry for me. Poor little orphan crushing on a man so far out of her social league it wasn’t even funny.

Damn.

More curses pounded against my throat.

Deliberately, I took a step away from the door. Then another. On and on until I reached my tiny living room. Killian’s shoes snared my attention. I didn’t have to ask him to remove them. He did it on his own. It wasn’t a mystery to me why.

Killian noticed everything. He surely caught the scent of cleaner in the air. That action, small as it may have been, proved his natural order.

Kind. Thoughtful. Wonderful.

And not meant for you.

Tears sloshed about. I couldn’t see his shoes anymore, but I remembered. They looked right at home in my tiny foyer.

Covering my mouth with one hand, I let out a choked laugh. This was hilarious in some twisted way. Me, Lucy Martin, the girl who thought she could live happily-ever-after with her sass and independence had her wings clipped the second she started falling in love with a broken angel.

Too many times I had judged others for losing their personal power to love, lust, and all the emotions in-between. This had to be payback.

Look at you now! Not so high and mighty, are you? This is what you get for being so judgmental.

Love wasn’t supposed to start out like this, right?

But if this wasn’t love, then what was it?

Another strangled snort forced its way past my tightly pressed lips. It was yet another secret, something I didn’t understand but had to navigate through the best I could.

Wandering over to the couch, I plopped down and tried to unplug. The TV droned on as I surfed from one station to the next. Nothing caught my attention, but I kept at it. Cycling over and over again as my body progressively leaned further to the right. Until finally I slumped over, remote in hand, and fell asleep.

Only to have jerked awake a minute later, just in time to hear the door close.

“Killian?” I whispered, stumbling over and jerking it open. “Killian?” I said again while leaning over the railing. The top of his dark head kept moving further and further away from me.

Why wasn’t he answering?

“Killian!”

He left me standing on the stairs, never pausing until he reached the street door.

Killian looked up. His beautiful, beautiful face laid tragically bare for me to see regret and sadness.

“What are you doing?” I asked him, voice husky with sleep. “You’re not supposed to be up. It’s too early.”

He spared me a gentle smile. “Take care, Lucy, and don’t forget one thing. You’re a goddess. No one is above you. No one.”

With those cryptic words, he walked out.

Struck dumb, I replayed it, trying to understand why he said that to me. Killian’s kindness, his unusual restraint, all of it pointed to…oh no!

“Killian! Wait!”

I sprinted down the stairs, tearing out of the building. Killian’s SUV already pulled away. I ran after it, barefoot and yelling his name. He couldn’t be leaving me.

Not like this.

“Killian!”

I didn’t care about the rocks cutting into my feet. I didn’t care how I looked to anyone watching. I didn’t even care if Killian thought I was a lunatic as long as he stopped.

Brake lights.

Thank God!

The SUV barely came to a slow roll before Killian threw himself out of the back.

The gentle angel of before fled. A furious demon bore down on me. His arms reached out and yanked me off the ground. Killian crushed me until my ribs ached, but I hugged him back just as hard.

Face buried against my neck, he growled, “Why are you doing this to me, Lucy? I was trying to do a nice thing back there. Stop ruining it and fucking go back home!”

“No! You’re leaving me. Why?”

“I’m not.”

“You’re lying! Where are you going? Really?”

“It’s none of your business.”

Yanking my head back, I stared him down. “Wrong! You are my business, Killian King. You snuck out, leaving me as if I didn’t matter. Why?”

He glared at me, eyes so blue they pierced me straight through. “You know I can’t stay.”

“Because I won’t sleep with you?”

“That’s not what I mean. You know I can’t go back to King anymore. That life is over.”

The blood drained from my face. I never apologized. I grilled him about Gisella and then went about my way. How self-centered!

Eyes watering and nose burning from the sudden tears, I gritted out, “I didn’t tell you how sorry I am for all of this.”

“Stop, Lucy. You don’t have to apologize.”

“No! You would’ve robbed me of that, Killian, by sneaking out.”

“For a good reason.”

“I’m sorry for what happened.”

“Stop it, Lucy. Right now.”

“No, you have to let me finish. I’m so, so sorry. If I hadn’t flipped out, if I hadn’t lost my temper, you wouldn’t have lost everything that matters to you—”

Killian cut me off with a kiss. I opened to him fully, unashamed of the moans crowding my throat. He sucked my tongue, nipping my lips before consuming my very breath.

There was no doubt left in my body anymore.

I loved this man.

Intensely. Completely. Recklessly.

Who gave a damn about my vows? They were made when I was barely more than a child. I wanted Killian.

I wanted him to stay. More than that, I wanted his love. His happiness. His future.

Pulling back with a groan, I raked my hands through Killian’s hair. “Don’t go.”

He closed his eyes. “I have to.”

“No, you don’t. Stay with me.”

“Stay?”

“Go upstairs with me. Now.” When he still didn’t say anything, I took a chance and laid it on the line. “You have a choice, Killian. Leave and nothing changes. You go back to being alone and afraid. Or you stay and face it with help. With me.”

Killian slowly slid me down his body. I felt his hardness. It didn’t make me afraid. Instead, I wanted him more than ever.

He wouldn’t deny me. He couldn’t.

“What will you do if I stay? Will you make love to me? Will you let me tie you to your bed and fuck you until you can’t scream anymore?”

Now I was the one facing a choice. There was no doubt about how the rest of the night would proceed. Was I ready?

“Yes.”

“Will you let me take whatever I want from you?” Killian’s fingertips brushed my mouth. “Here?” His hand moved south, hovering deliciously close over the place between my legs. “Here?” He wasn’t done. “Here?”

I swallowed hard when I felt the butterfly tap across my lower back. I wasn’t ignorant to what it meant.

“Anything you want.”

Killian’s expression turned feral. “You’d let me ruin you just so you can make me stay?”

“Yes.”

“I could take it all and then leave anyways.”

Just the very idea felt like a stab to the heart. There were gambles and then there were gambles. I was willing to bet it all on Killian. He was a good man and there was no way he’d let me down.

Not now and definitely not on this day.

“You could, but you won’t.”

Killian swore under his breath. “You’ve never lacked balls, Lucy.” His slight smile twisted into something else. “You’re right. I wouldn’t. I’d stay right here, not giving a damn about tomorrow or any other day, as long as I could have you.”

Victory was a strange thing. It struck, leaving you vulnerable to defeat before you registered the first and died from the second.

“That’s why I’m leaving. I won’t take what you’re giving because I’m a Von Hügel, you see? It’s in our genes to make people suffer. I’m not strong enough to be any different.”

We stood there, inches apart physically, but growing further away with each breath.

“Oh God, Killian. Don’t you see? It doesn’t have to be this way.”

He rubbed his knuckle gently under my left eye. His stare lingered. “Don’t cry, Lucy. It won’t hurt for long. You’ll forget me before you know it. You’ll find another poor devil to save.”

“No!”

“Ssh. It’ll get better. I promise. You’ll thank God it turned out this way. You’ll see.”

Agony ripped a hole in my emotions, leaving my insides to fall out.

“Please don’t leave me, Killian. Please don’t.”

Killian’s expression crumpled before returning to its typical haughty smirk. “Where’s your dignity, Lucy? You’re better than this.”

I shook my head, fingers digging into his lapels. Once I let go he was gone. Forever. I couldn’t let that happen. Not when I’d just discovered my love for him.

Life couldn’t be this cruel, but it was.

Killian carefully pried my fingers off his coat. His parting words would haunt me for months.

“Close your eyes, Lucy, and count to ten. Do this for me if you really want to help.”

He didn’t want me.

He didn’t feel for me the way I did for him.

He couldn’t, not if he could walk away so easily.

It’s over.

No. That wasn’t true. It never really began.

Biting my lip, I choked on my sobs. It always ended like this. I wasn’t enough. No matter how much I loved someone, they didn’t love me back the way I needed.

“Lucy, please. Don’t cry. Not over this.”

I fell in love and broke my heart all within the day. This only proved what I’d known since I was a little girl—some people were destined to have a normal, happy life. Others were destined to suffer.

Killian was the instrument to show me which kind I was.

“Lucy, close your eyes for me. Do this for me. Please.”

I wiped my nose with my sleeve. Rolling my shoulders back, I grated out, “No. I won’t play another stupid game with you and I won’t watch you leave.”

Killian flinched.

Last chance. Say you’ll stay. Say you’ll let me help you. Say you love me a little…

Seconds ticked by to zero. I had my answer.

“All right. You’ve made your choice and now I’ve made mine. I hope you find what you’re looking for, wherever that ends up being. Goodbye, Killian King.”

Turning around, I steadily walked back. I pretended I didn’t hear him call my name. I also pretended his voice didn’t break at the end. I just concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other, just as I’d always done it.

Alone.