Liam
Nearly eight weeks had gone by, and Liam was loving his job more than he’d ever thought possible. And while he couldn’t say he was loving being with Cash, he admitted that he did love Cash and realized the night he’d lost his virginity to the man that Cash would never love him. The longer they were together, the more he thought perhaps Cash had been in love with Tommy. That, or worse, Liam just wasn’t what he wanted for the long term, he was a good bookmark between the pages of Cash’s life.
And really, who used bookmarks anymore?
Cash didn’t mention Tommy much at all, and he seemed to be very happy with the arrangement he had with his “Tommy Replacement”—as Liam thought of himself—and how their relationship was, well, not progressing. But the type of relationship Tommy and Cash had together wasn’t something he wanted.
He’d known he’d been half in love with Cash before he’d even met the man. Talking with Tommy for hours and hours on end, mostly about Cash and their life together, had made it nearly impossible not to be. When he realized Tommy’s stories of how good a man Cash was weren’t lies or exaggerations, he’d been unable to curtail the pathetically predictable slide of his heart deeper into love with Cash.
As funny, or more accurately as sad, as it was, Liam had given up weeks ago. The night he’d lost his virginity in fact. He’d never regret giving himself to Cash, because hell, he loved the man, but when Cash had said he only wanted Liam to stay in his bed that night so Liam could feel like the loss of his virginity was special, it had done the exact opposite. It made him feel like Cash was being self-sacrificing by allowing him to stay, and the whole thing hadn’t been special at all to Cash. Something in him had shriveled up and died, and he supposed, looking back on it, that it had been hope.
So, as soon as Cash had fallen asleep that night, he’d crawled out of bed, gone downstairs, brushed his teeth with the hidden toothbrush and toothpaste he kept in the downstairs bath off the library, and went to sleep where he did every night since he’d returned, on the comfortable couch in front of the library’s gas fireplace. It wasn’t as good as Cash’s arms holding him and keeping him warm, but the fireplace did the trick. And anything was better than that godforsaken depression chamber he’d been assigned to.
The blue room.
The blue room reminded him of the first night he’d slept there, the night he’d felt so completely wrecked when it had been made clear he wasn’t wanted. And though, as things stood, he hadn’t been rejected—again—in the literal sense of the word, it had been made very clear that any future he’d thought they could have was impossible.
That awful room was just a painful daily reminder slapping him in the face every time he walked through the door. A person could only take so much. He had to keep his clothes there and shower there, but that’s the only time he spent there. It was the only way he could keep the overwhelming feeling of imminent rejection at bay.
The sad part? When it came down to it, Cash was the best man he’d ever met. He was kind, gentle, and nurturing, as well as funny, smart, and affectionate. He was, essentially, the perfect Daddy. Which, he assumed, was why it hurt ten times more. Adding on to that pain every day was the way Cash treated him. Cash genuinely cared for him. Liam had fun with the older man, and they laughed together all the time. They teased and bantered and truly enjoyed each other. They seemed perfect for each other, but in the end, that wasn’t enough. In the end, he wasn’t enough.
Obviously, it wasn’t all doom and gloom. Hell, he continued to fall deeper in love every day. They were immensely sexually compatible, and though he had very little experience to fall back on, Cash was a phenomenal lover. They were very active sexually, both of them insatiable for one another. All of that added to the burden of his deep feelings for the complicated man.
In the end, he knew he wouldn’t be okay staying with someone for years when that person wasn’t in love with him, especially when he was in love with them. He wasn’t a masochist, and as the weeks went by, pretending everything was fine had started doing a number on him. He felt disposable. Like when Cash was done playing with him, he’d dangle some shiny carrot in front of Liam and find a way to make it impossible for Liam not to leave, just like he’d done with Tommy.
They spent a lot of time together, but it was all superficial. He didn’t know about Cash’s past relationships besides what Tommy had told him about theirs. He didn’t know about Cash’s childhood. He only knew Cash’s parents were dead because Cash had said something offhand about it one night, but when Liam had broached the subject, Cash had maneuvered the conversation in another direction. Taking Cash’s cue, he’d basically shared nothing with Cash about his past either. And Cash didn’t seem to care enough to ask.
They were swimming in relationship’s shallow end, and every time he’d tried to venture into the deep end, Cash had tossed him into a lifeboat and dragged him back into safe waters. He felt more and more alone as the days went by, and realizing he wanted relationships with substance, he’d made plans to make friends and meet new people. Cash wasn’t enough, because in the end, Cash wouldn’t be there.
He wasn’t comfortable telling his sister everything, and it had been weighing on him to the point he’d thought about seeing someone for depression. Add to that, he’d gotten really adept at pretending he was perfectly happy with his arrangement with Cash. Eventually, it all just caught up to him, and he’d become more and more emotionally exhausted by it as time passed.
He couldn’t go to Tommy with his feelings, he’d be so disappointed. Hell, he was disappointed with himself at not being the type of boy Cash wanted for more than a sexual relationship. He’d talked to Tommy several times in the previous weeks, but the guy was really busy, so it had made avoiding too much talk of Cash pretty easy.
He wanted someone to talk to that was removed from his own situation; that he could trust with what he wanted to share with them, so he’d gone directly to the source. He’d put up an ad for friends in the Boys Will Be Boys forum of the app and had gotten an immediate response from several guys. After chatting for a while with all of them, he’d bonded with two, Carter and Mateo, and had ended up joining them in a three-way chat online to see if they all got along well. They’d ended up chatting for hours that night, and it was during that same conversation that one of them had suggested meeting face to face.
Liam had felt brave enough to agree, and Mateo did a search for local meet and greets, or what the kink community called munches, and they’d agreed to meet up there because their conversations would feel normal with like-minded others surrounding them. They’d stayed there for hours talking and getting to know each other.
They’d learned that they all came from similar backgrounds, and by the end of the night, he felt like he was spending time with old friends. He started spending as much time as possible with them, and some of Liam’s depression lifted. He could finally see something of his future in Boston, rather than feeling like his only solution was to go home to Pennsylvania.
They’d started meeting for lunches and coffee after work. When he wasn’t with Cash or at work, he was with them. Cash had several big work projects going on, and his hours weren’t always predictable, which had actually made things easier. He’d eventually shared with Carter and Mateo everything that was going on, and that he’d thought maybe what he needed was to get out of the situation he was in.
He didn’t have the heart to stay where he wasn’t wanted, or rather, where he wasn’t wanted permanently. And he didn’t have it in him to wait around for the day Cash tossed his current bookmark in the trash for a newer version. As the days went by, he was feeling more and more distant from the man he’d fallen in love with. Everything was slowly eating away at him.
He felt so much guilt for keeping it from Cash, but he knew if he brought up the idea of leaving, Cash would try to convince him to stay, and his love for Cash ran so deep he knew he’d do is best to make Cash happy. In the end, he knew he had to make the right decision for himself.
Mateo and Carter turned out to be his saving grace. Carter was looking for a way out as well and had jumped at the chance to get out of his living situation, whatever that had been. He was very vague, and Liam hadn’t wanted to pry. They started to look for an apartment to rent and had settled on a two-bedroom unit that they thought would work out for them.
Mateo had been living with some friends on campus at Northeastern while he went to school, but it had gotten crowded when one of the guys had his girlfriend move in. He’d gone to Liam and Carter to see if they’d be willing to have another roommate. They immediately changed their plan to include a three-bedroom apartment, and with all three of them contributing, things had spiraled and moved quickly. Everything felt chaotic and stressful, like he was living a double life. He knew the sooner he could leave, the better for everyone.
So, there he was, eight weeks later, saving every penny, and even taking on freelance work he found on job forums. He sent as much as humanly possible home to his sister, and the rest had been put towards first and last month’s rent and a sizable deposit on a run-down apartment in a not so great part of town.
His car had been fixed, but he’d been warned by Jake that it probably wouldn’t last more than a year, so he had that to contend with eventually. It made scary noises sometimes, and that day wasn’t any different as he pulled the car up to the mailbox and idled there while he got the mail on his way home from the office.
He saw a letter from the lawyer Cash had hired in New Jersey to handle their case involving the punks that had pounded on him for fun. Apparently, learning of Cash’s money and the prestige of the lawyers he’d hired, the assholes folded rather than putting up a fight. They’d plead guilty for a lower sentence, and he hadn’t had it in him to push the situation farther, so he’d asked Cash to deal with it so he didn’t have to.
He shuffled through the rest of the mail, finally coming upon the birthday card he was expecting plus another he hadn’t been. He’d turned twenty-one that day and knew his sister would have sent him a card, but he was surprised and touched that he’d gotten one from Tommy as well. Tommy had called him earlier that day to wish him a happy birthday. He’d already been at work, so when his friend had asked him what Cash had planned for his day, he’d said he was late for a meeting, thanked Tommy for the call, and got off the phone.
He’d made CC promise no gifts, but it had taken some doing. Hell, his office had somehow known and sent him home with a gift card for a great coffee place he visited frequently with coworkers, and the leftovers of a rather large, very tasty birthday cake. There’d been only a quarter of it left, but he’d definitely be eating it later. They actually had lunch brought in for him and his group to celebrate. There were even balloons and twenty-one candles for him to blow out.
He’d been told to go home early, so he was heading up the driveway and pulling his car into the garage a whole four hours earlier than he’d normally be home. It was kismet, actually. Carter was already moved in, and Mateo and Liam were to move in the following day, which was Saturday. But since he’d gotten off early, he knew it would be easier to drag his stuff down to his car and drive it over there while Cash was at the office. He was heartbroken to be doing it, but there was a tiny part of him that was looking forward to being with his friends. It felt like he was maturing and taking risks, being adventurous.
He walked inside, poured himself a glass of milk, and proceeded to gorge himself on a piece of the chocolate cake. He admitted to himself he was eating his feelings but didn’t have any fucks to give at that moment. He’d reached his breaking point, and if chocolate birthday cake kept him from falling to pieces in a puddle of tears and misery, he’d take it.
He put the box in the fridge, feeling rather petty. Maybe he’d let Cash find it. The big, colorful Happy Birthday sticker on the top of the box would surely clue him in. He was sure Cash would feel guilty it was his birthday and he didn’t even know it, and obviously hadn’t cared enough to ask. He made his way upstairs to start dragging his bags down as fast as he could, hoping it wasn’t one of those workdays Cash would come home early.
An hour later, nearly everything he’d brought with him to Boston was loaded and ready to go. He’d spent some of his own money—money he should have been saving—on a new phone, and some new work clothes. He was starting fresh and didn’t feel right taking anything from Cash, like the huge closet full of clothes he’d gotten him. He’d felt guilty enough staying as long as he had when he knew he was going to leave. He had to save money to be able to afford to move out, so he didn’t have much of an option, but he didn’t feel good about it.
He left his backpack in the blue room with a change of clothes, his toiletries, and some pajamas so he could stay one more night. He was scared to death to tell Cash and still didn’t know if he’d have the guts to do it, or if he’d leave like a thief in the night, like he’d done two short months ago. But he wanted just one more night with the man he loved, no matter how shitty it was of him to take it from Cash without his knowing it.
He made the trip to his new place and unloaded his stuff into his tiny, empty room. He was back in his car and on the road to Cash’s house in less than an hour. Still home earlier than Cash, he called CC to check in. When she picked up, she sang him happy birthday, and they chatted about his day and how she was doing. She got quiet for a few seconds and finally asked, “Did you tell him you’re leaving?”
He sighed. “No. I don’t know if I can. CC he never asked me when my birthday was. I know Tommy mentioned I was just about to turn twenty-one, and I mentioned it as well. He never brought it up. I don’t even know what to do with that.”
“I don’t understand him either. You aren’t allowed to sleep with him, and yet he’ll hold your hand while you’re out in public, spend every minute of every weekend with you, cuddle with you and watch movies. I just don’t get it.”
Liam couldn’t listen anymore. He’d done nothing but think about all of that for eight weeks with no answers and so much heartache. He was done. He couldn’t put himself through it anymore. He understood that eight weeks wasn’t a lot of time, but he’d broached the subject of more several times, and each time, Cash had gotten a wary look on his face and told Liam he just thought they should keep things as they were.
He could read between the lines. Eight weeks was enough to solidify the love he had for Cash, but it wasn’t enough for Cash to see anything in him worth loving. He looked at the clock on the microwave and realized it was later than he thought. “Hey, sis, thanks for chatting and for the card. I love you. I need to get going. I’ll probably put some dinner together for us or something.”
“Okay, Liam. Happy Birthday. I love you.”
“I love you, too. Bye.”
He was surprised he hadn’t heard from Cash. It was well after the time he usually got home on a Friday. He figured Cash would be hungry when he got home though, so he started to make one of the pre-prepped dinners in the fridge. Maybe he’d light some candles and try to make the night special for them. Just because he’d fallen in love with Cash didn’t mean it was Cash’s fault he hadn’t fallen in love with Liam.
He’d make a nice dinner, play some music, light some candles, and they’d have a good, last evening together. Maybe they’d enjoy some role play, but he doubted it. That was just one more way Cash had shown he wasn’t the right man for him, that he couldn’t be trusted. They had the same exact kink and hadn’t role played once, even though Tommy had said he and Cash did it all the time.
He shook off those depressing thoughts and shrugged, thinking maybe they could make love in front of the fire in the family room. Maybe they’d cuddle and watch one last movie together. It didn’t have to be an awful night. He was moving on and doing what was best for both of them. Cash would be free to find the boy that was right for him, and maybe, eventually, he’d find the Daddy that could love him back.
Feeling much better, he put the finishing touches on the dinner prep and got it in the oven. He ran upstairs and showered, pulling on his soft jeans and the Northeastern sweatshirt he’d found on sale at a big box store. It had been in the kid’s section. It was an extra-large, and Cash had laughed all the way to the check out that his boy could fit in boy clothes. He’d teased Liam mercilessly about it for days afterwards, but damned if that sweatshirt wasn’t the softest, most comfortable one he’d ever owned.
The dinner was almost done, so he set the table, lit the candles, and changed the music to a softer station. He checked his phone and saw the time. No texts or calls from Cash, so he must be on his way. He pulled the food out of the oven and plated everything. He even went so far as to bring the cake to the table, thinking just maybe he didn’t have to be petty. Maybe he’d just tell him it was his birthday and share his cake. Maybe their last night together could be one he’d be happy to remember.
He poured Cash’s favorite wine and laughed, thinking he’d take a sip. What would it hurt? He was legal as of that morning. Sure, he was paranoid that since his mom had an addictive personality, he would find that he did too, but he didn’t with anything else in his life, so why not take a chance. He got out another glass and poured himself a tiny bit and sat down and waited for the sound of the garage.
And he waited. And waited.
He checked his watch after some time had passed and was surprised to see that much more time had passed than he’d been aware of. His ass hurt from sitting in the chair staring into space. He reached over and touched the now cold food. The little votives he’d lit had burned out. He got himself to his feet, picked up the birthday cake box, and threw it in the trash. He was leaving for a reason, right?
He set about putting everything away and cleaning up the kitchen. He didn’t know what to do with himself. He could watch a movie or read a book in the library. He could swim in the pool. A little voice in the back of his head told him just to leave. If Cash didn’t feel like Liam deserved to know he wouldn’t be home that night, Cash didn’t deserve to know why he was leaving.
It was so late. He couldn’t help but worry that something had happened, even though he knew it hadn’t. Shoulders slumping, he figured he’d give Cash another hour then he’d leave him a note and be gone. He was holding on by a very thin thread and knew he wouldn’t last much longer before he broke. He got undressed in the blue room and slipped on one of the robes Cash had insisted he have. Sliding his feet into a warm pair of outdoor slippers, he walked through the enormous, empty house down to the basement and out into the freezing cold night.
The solar powered lights along the walk lit the way towards the outdoor jacuzzi. He flipped the lid back and left it covering half of the tub. It was heavy, and when he went to put it back on after getting out, he didn’t want to struggle with it. He hung up the robe on the hooks by the tub and stepped out of his slippers. He’d forgotten to grab one of the towels by the pool but figured if he needed one, he could get one on his way back upstairs.
He sat and let the jets do their thing. He’d left his phone in the blue room, so he didn’t know how long he’d been outside but figured it was long enough when his fingers got all pruney. He got out, pulled on the robe, and stuffed his freezing, wet feet into the slippers, turning to flip the cover back on before heading back towards the house. A light flipped on in the kitchen and something in him relaxed. At least he knew Cash was safe and home. He wasn’t looking forward to hearing the excuses, so he thought about going straight to the blue room to get dressed, but as soon as he got up to the main floor, he heard Cash calling him.
He walked towards Cash’s voice, stopping at the base of the front staircase. He didn’t know what to say, or even what Cash wanted him to say, so he didn’t say anything as he watched him approach. He crossed his arms over his chest, unable to keep himself from the defensive posture, and watched as Cash hurriedly walked to him, concern creasing his brows.
“Baby, I’m so sorry. Fuck, it wasn’t until I was driving home that I remembered I hadn’t called you. Something came up tonight with a friend. He’s been having a hard time and just needed someone to talk to. He’s been in and out of the hospital with cancer treatments and just needed a friend.”
“It’s fine.” Did his voice sound as devoid of emotion as he thought it did? He was honestly glad Cash had helped his friend. It proved just how good a man Cash was, reminding him once again that he hadn’t been foolish in falling in love with the man. Cash just hadn’t fallen for him in return, and that was nobody’s fault, no matter how much he wanted to blame himself.
By the look on Cash’s face, he knew his tone had been off. “It’s not fine. I meant to call as soon as I left the office, but my friend called and asked me to pick dinner up for us from where he’d ordered it on my way to his house, and I completely forgot.”
Liam couldn’t even find it in him to be angry. Cash had never done anything like it before, and Cash wasn’t the type to cheat, so that’s not where his mind went. He knew if their relationship was in a good place, he’d be doing his utmost to reassure him. As it was, he didn’t have the energy, but he wasn’t mad, so he tried to make that clear. “It’s okay, Cash. Really. I’m not mad.”
Cash pulled him into a hug, and those arms—god, those arms—just about made him weep with a yearning so strong he had to squeeze his eyes shut and hold his breath to keep back the sobs. But he couldn’t keep himself from loosening his arms and wrapping them around Cash, even if he wasn’t squeezing him tightly, like he normally would.
“I’m a total asshole for not calling you. Baby, I’m so sorry. Truly. I realized it when I was leaving and called you before I drove home, but you didn’t answer.” He rubbed Liam’s back, up and down, knowing he was always cold and warming him.
God, he’d miss that.
“I was in the jacuzzi.”
“Yeah, I figured by the way you were dressed that was the case, but now your skin’s going to get all dry and itchy from the salt. Let’s go take a bath. I’ll give you a nice long massage after to make tonight up to you.”
He nodded, unable to turn down the comfort Cash’s touch would give him. They walked, hand in hand, up the stairs. He had Liam sit on the soft, upholstered chair while the water filled the tub. Cash got them both in the steaming tub after that and proceeded to slowly and sensually wash every inch of him. His tenderness brought tears to Liam’s eyes which he wiped away, thankful he had his back to Cash’s chest.
Afterwards, Cash dried him off and carried him to the bed for a bone melting massage with the sandalwood massage oil Liam preferred. Instead of having kinky sex, as they both usually preferred, Cash made slow, sweet love to him, as if he knew it was exactly what Liam needed more than anything at that moment. By that time, Cash had turned out the lights, and though there was a bit of moonlight shining into the room, Liam knew his tears would go unnoticed.
They lay together sated when all was said and done, both of them drifting off in each other’s arms. Cash woke a while later, as he usually did—not wanting him to overstay his welcome, Liam was sure—and went to take a piss. Rather than being humiliated with the look of sad understanding Cash always gave him when he helped Liam dress to take the walk of shame back to his depression chamber, Liam got up and walked towards the robe draped over the chair.
He turned as Cash walked back in the room in pajama bottoms and a t-shirt. He was confused by the look of guilt on Cash’s face when he saw where Liam was headed. He wondered if Cash ever regretted having him leave every night, or maybe even wanted him to stay as much as Liam wanted to be there. He figured he had nothing at all to lose taking one last chance, so he turned fully to face Cash and asked, “Can I stay here with you tonight?”
Cash’s shock was apparent, and Liam knew he’d made a mistake. The awkward silence was enough to clue him in before Cash tripped over his own words of rejection, “Uh, I…it’s probably not a good—”
“Okay, goodnight.” Liam turned and quickly threw on the robe, stuffing his feet in the slippers by the door as fast as he could manage without running.
“Why don’t I walk you to—”
“No, that’s all right.”
He was out the door and making his way down the hall when Cash said, “Liam, wait…” But he couldn’t face him with the tears streaming down his cheeks. He did his best to mask his choked-up voice when he said, “I’m gonna read for a bit in the library. Goodnight, Cash.”
He didn’t hear anything for several long seconds until Cash finally said, “Night, boy.”
He got to the corner and took off, trying to get himself as far away as fast as possible, knowing he was going to break and not wanting to humiliate himself even more by letting Cash hear him. Holding his hand over his mouth, he ran down the stairs, locked himself in the bathroom, turned on the water to muffle his anguish, and slid down the wall while his sobs wracked his small frame.
Again.