Cash
Jane sat down on the couch, her hands shaking and tears streaming down her face, her kids sitting on either side of her, holding her hands. “I’m so sorry. God, CC, I’m so sorry!”
“It’s okay, mom. You didn’t know.”
“But I should have. I should have seen it, but I was too drunk. Always too fucking drunk. I can’t keep doing this. I don’t want to be this way.” She looked over at CC. “I promise, I’ll stop drinking. I’ll stop. He’s gone. Things will get better, you’ll see.”
CC looked at her mom for a long, drawn out moment as if contemplating, but Cash was happy when she shook her head. “I’m going with Liam and Cash, Mom. I can’t do this anymore with you. It hurts too much. You need help, and I can’t be the one to help you. If you mean it, if you’re serious about getting sober, I’m sure we can find a place for you to go, but you won’t be able to do it alone, Mom. You’ll need rehab, and I don’t want to be here alone when you’re there. Plus, I’ll have adjusted to Boston when school starts.”
Bewildered, Jane looked at Liam. “Boston?”
He nodded. “I told you that’s where I was going when I left, but you probably can’t remember.”
Another tear rolled down Jane’s face, and she shook her head. “I’m an awful mother. I’m so sorry, Liam. You both deserve so much better than me.”
Both kids shook their heads, loyalty reflected in their gestures, and Liam said, “What we deserve is a sober you. We love you, Mom, and we want you to be sober, but you have to want it enough for yourself. Wanting it for us won’t work.”
Goddamn, his boy was so smart and so full of love. Cash glanced at Jane when she replied, “I understand. I… Wait, CC? You’re going to school in Boston?”
CC blushed and nodded. “Yeah. Um, I was accepted into Northeastern University’s School of Nursing. I start in the fall.”
Jane covered her lips with her fingertips and fresh tears fell. “Oh honey! I’m so proud of you! You probably told me, and I don’t remember it. I’m so sorry, CC. I’ll do better, I promise. I’m so proud of you, baby girl.”
Jane and CC hugged and sniffled while whispering to each other. They both reached for Liam again and huddle hugged for a bit longer. Cash sat down on a chair facing the sofa where they sat, holding on to each other. “Mrs. Cavan—”
She glanced up, her face red from crying and probably a bit of embarrassment. “Jane. Please, call me Jane.”
Cash took her acceptance of him as it was intended and nodded. “Jane. If you’re serious about getting sober, I’ll pay for rehab. I’ll find the best place I possibly can for you, and you’ll go there until you’re released. But, ma’am, it’s not going to be easy. I have a friend who went into rehab years ago, and he was miserable about ninety percent of the time he was there. It won’t be a cakewalk.”
Liam shook his head. “You don’t need to do that, Cash. I make enough to pay for her care.”
“No. You need to be distanced from this. If you pay for it, you’ll be tied directly to her rehabilitation, and neither of you needs that kind of pressure. I’ll send her to the best the states have to offer so she’s not too far for a visit while you’re still working and CC is in school, but only if she’s willing and wants to work for it.”
Jane gaped at him, awe warring with embarrassment on her face, and finally, she nodded. “I’m willing. I want to work for it. I don’t know how it’s gotten this bad, but I can’t do this to myself anymore. I’m worth more than this.”
Cash nodded, taking her at her word, all the while knowing it wasn’t going to be that easy but willing to try anything to make his boy happy. “Then it’s settled. I’ll make a couple calls, and we’ll get it worked out.”
“How long do you think it will take? Maybe we shouldn’t leave yet. She might need us.”
Jane shook her head at her daughter. “No. You’ve packed, and you’re ready to go. I can see for myself that you need this. And maybe…maybe I need this as well.”
However, Cash knew that CC had a point. He wasn’t sure how long it would take one of his friends, a doctor, to get her signed into a center. “Let me make a couple calls, and we’ll figure out what our timeline is, all right?”
Everyone nodded, and he stood to do so as Liam approached him. “Thank you, Daddy.”
“You’re welcome, boy.”
They kissed, and when Liam pulled away, Cash said, “Why don’t you let them have some time alone? We’ll grab the bags here and put them in the car, and I’ll make some calls as you grab the rest of them.”
Liam nodded. “Good idea.”
They stepped outside with the bags and took them to the SUV. Liam headed back upstairs to get the rest of the bags, and Cash broke off and paced back and forth at the base of the stairs while making the call. When his friend answered, he didn’t waste much time making small talk. He explained what he needed and said it needed to be a rush job. He hung up with his friend Parker letting him know he’d call back as soon as possible.
It was a long fifty minutes before he heard from him, but when he did, he couldn’t have been more grateful. Jane had a bed already assigned to her at a place in the DC area that had enrolled her in their ninety-day inpatient treatment program. It wasn’t the best in the country, but it was in the top five, and he was assured it had an amazing national success rate specifically for alcohol abuse and was marked third in the country for rehabilitation services for women. It was also the only one close enough to them that could take her in, same day.
When he explained everything to everyone, his arms were suddenly full of Cavanaghs. He hoped like hell Jane’s kids would see her sober. He wanted her success for them both. It would go a long way towards healing their little family, and they needed a win. Jane excused herself to the kitchen to make them some coffee, and Cash approached Liam and CC.
“Look, you guys need to decide how to handle this. I personally feel that as her children, you should not be involved in her rehabilitation. When she is able to make calls, send emails, or have visitors, you should definitely be there, but I feel she needs to check herself in so that she understands the onus of her rehabilitation is squarely on her shoulders. She needs to stand on her own, because you are both moving on in your lives, and she can’t be leaning on you like she has been. But I’m not going to make that decision for you. This has to be a decision you make for your mom and for yourselves and your own wellbeing.”
Liam and CC glanced at each other and Liam said, “I agree with Cash. I think it’s important that she checks herself in and takes the responsibility we’ve been needing her to take for herself for years. But, will you be all right with that?”
CC bit her lip, making Cash smile at the habit shared by the siblings, and nodded. Cash stepped forward and placed his hands on their shoulders, knowing he had to bring them back to reality. “Maybe your mom has been ready to admit she needs help for a while. Maybe she’s riding high on the emotions of today. Maybe she just wants you both to be proud of her for a change. I don’t know why she’s feeling so ready to dive into rehab, but you need to understand, it’s not a magic pill. It’s a lot of hard fucking work, and a lot of people fail.”
CC made to interrupt, but he gave her shoulder a squeeze and continued, “They fail halfway through, they fail in the first weeks, they fail at the end, or when they’ve been released. She may fail once, twice, five times. Or she may not fail at all. You have to prepare yourselves mentally for whatever comes. Her recovery is up to her and is not a reflection on you. All you can do is love her through it, support her if you’re emotionally able to, and step back when you’re not. There’s no shame in that.”
Both of them seemed to deflate before his eyes, and he felt awful for bringing them down and said as much. He thought Liam might be the one to reassure him, but CC spoke up instead. “You want to prepare us, in case things don’t go as we plan. I get it. It’s all moving so fast, it kind of feels like whiplash. I’m sure she’s going to be reeling for a while once she gets checked in, wondering what the hell she got herself into. And the reality is, she may be feeling a little manic and emotional right now because of what happened, but when her cravings set in, all of that might go up in flames. I know that. Liam knows that. I think we just want to hang on to as much hope as we can.”
Cash drew her in and hugged her, amazed at how well she was handling everything. When he pulled back, she had a devilish look in her eyes and said to Liam, “I think she’s going to have to get a ride down to DC, and we’re gonna be on our way up to Boston. Who do you think could give her a ride, Liam?”
He looked confused by her sudden smile, but Cash watched as the answer came to him, and they both grinned at each other and said in unison, “Harley Matthews.”
They laughed a bit, and she raised a brow at him. “Do I dare?”
“Honestly? It could backfire, but I think it’s our best option. He might be the perfect, somewhat uninvolved, third party who’s interested enough in her well being to help us. And mom might be just interested enough in a fresh start right now that he could be the little extra push she needs, besides her kids, to see she might have a bright future.”
Cash assumed from what they were talking about that Harley was an old flame, but didn’t have time to ask, as CC raced down the hall with her phone to her ear, and Jane came back in carrying a tray with coffee on it. CC returned, giving Liam a surreptitious thumbs-up, and they all sat down for a few minutes and talked while they drank the strong brew. CC and Liam grew serious and told their mom she should probably start packing. Jane nodded nervously, wiped her hands on her pants, and stood.
She went into her room, and CC followed. Liam looked at him and shrugged. “It’s probably one part wanting to spend some time with her before she leaves, and one part not trusting her to not have alcohol hidden in her room somewhere to drink or stuff in her suitcase. The suspicion you feel when you’ve got a loved one with an addiction is hard to fight against. It can consume you, if you let it.”
Cash drew his boy into him for a tight hug and nodded, feeling heartsick that Liam and CC had to know so much about addiction at such a young age. They double checked that all of CC’s bags were packed and gave the two women some time. Another thirty minutes went by, and finally, they emerged, red faced from crying but holding hands.
CC let go of her mom’s hand and walked towards Liam, presenting a united front. She cleared her throat, and looking apologetic, told her mom, “We called someone to come and help you. You said you need to stand on your own two feet, and we respected that. So, we’re going to Boston, and you’re going to rehab in DC, but you’re going to need to get there, and we don’t like the idea of you driving alone. We thought—”
She was interrupted by a knock on the door, so she ran to get it, avoiding her mother’s confused expression. Cash watched Jane as the door opened, and her eyes and mouth opened in surprise. Her face bloomed a rosy color, and she patted her hair to make sure it was in place. He turned to see the man that was surely Harley walk into the apartment with a box of chocolates. He waved at everyone self-consciously and walked towards Jane, handing her the box.
He stammered a little when he said, “I-I wanted to bring you a bouquet of lilies, but I didn’t know if you’d be allowed to have them in your room.”
“You remember my favorite flowers?”
His voice was so earnest when he said, “I remember everything about you. Those are your favorite chocolates, too.”
She gave him a tentative smile and nodded. “They are. Thank you, Harley. I’m sorry, I—”
He shook his head and reached out a hand to touch the hand she held the chocolates with. “Please, don’t apologize about anything, past or present. Maybe we can just start out with a clean slate, as friends. What do you think?”
She nodded and smiled. “I’d really like that. Thank you.”
“Are you ready to go? Can I get your bags?”
“I guess I am. Sure.”
He grabbed both of her bags and took them down to his car. Before the sad goodbyes started, Cash spoke up, “Your rehab will be paid in full for all three months when you arrive. I’ll also make sure your apartment and utilities are paid until you’re released. Maybe you could give Harley a copy of your key to come in and check on things for you, if you’re comfortable enough to do so. If not, I’m sure the place will be just fine without you for a bit.”
Jane nodded and hugged him quickly, whispering, “Take care of my babies, please.”
He nodded, knowing it had taken a lot for her to ask that of him. “I will, Jane. You don’t need to worry about them.”
When she pulled away, her gaze was steady, and she took in his features as if searching for the truth. When she nodded, he knew he’d gained her trust. She told him thank you, and then hugged both her kids and walked out the door. CC cried, and Liam enveloped her in a hug as they watched their mom go. Cash hoped like hell the rehab program was able to help her. She had a long, tough road to travel.
Liam
It had been two weeks since they’d picked up CC, sent their mom off to rehab, and worked with CC’s school to finish her assignments and finals from Boston. CC left them to their own devices a lot of the time. When she wasn’t making plans for what she’d need for college, she was exploring the city. She’d joined several Northeastern University forums and gotten to know many students through those channels, even becoming close friends with several people on one of the school’s Freshman nursing forums.
Unbeknownst to her, Cash had been working with the university to see if they could finagle her rooming situation to coincide with the close friends she’d already met. He was still working with them, but Liam knew he’d be successful as he’d already mentioned throwing money at them, making Liam chuckle. Cash was a fixer, and by nature, he wanted everything to work out, so when there was a wrench in the plans, he’d find a way around it.
Several of CC's new friends had been over to their house, and Liam was so glad she felt comfortable enough and so happy Cash had encouraged it that he felt like pinching himself to bring him back to reality, because surely, this couldn’t be his life. He was getting almost everything he’d ever wanted for himself and for CC, and he couldn’t be more grateful.
Things weren’t all unicorns, glitter, and rainbows, however. His mom’s rehabilitation had been a struggle. They’d had a conference call with her therapist about her care, as she wasn’t allowed to talk on the phone with them for a week. The center had set up a treatment plan for her, and she’d been detoxing for those first several days, and the therapist had admitted she’d struggled.
She could email once a week and call once a week, but she could send and receive letters daily with the understanding that the therapists checked the letters for content to be sure they were appropriate material, and that it wouldn’t hurt her recovery effort. When Saturday rolled around, they’d both sent emails, and on Sunday, their first phone call was set up, but when they called the center, they were told she wasn’t feeling up to a phone call. They’d both known it wasn’t going to be easy for her, but they’d hoped to be able to speak with her and encourage her.
Unsurprisingly, CC had taken it the worst and had increased the length of her letters to try to reconnect with their mom. Two weeks went by, and they’d yet to receive letters, emails, or phone calls from their mom. She’d made her point, and it was clear to them that, on the day she was finally allowed visitors, she didn’t want them to come. CC had been heartbroken, and truthfully, so had Liam.
They were sitting around the dinner table on Sunday after eating, and Cash broached the subject. “I know you’re both disappointed she hasn’t responded to your attempts to communicate, and that she didn’t ask you to come see her. I contacted the center to be sure we hadn’t missed something, and they said she’d scheduled a visit with Harley.”
CC’s head jerked up at that, and her face screwed up in hurt and anger. “Are you kidding me? What the fuck!?”
Cash just shook his head and continued, “This is just my guess, but I think once she realized how hard it was going to be, she began to feel resentment towards you, because the way she sees it, you pushed her into this, even though that’s not true. But my worry is, that she’ll use Harley’s feelings for her to manipulate him into doing whatever she wants. He’s obviously in love with her, and her therapist said that she’s exhibiting some flight risk behaviors.”
Liam shook his head, not surprised at all, but disappointed for CC, knowing she’d been so hopeful. “Harley is naïve and will give her what she wants because he loves her. He won’t understand what he’s doing is harming her, he’ll think he’s helping her.”
Liam glanced at Cash and clasped his hand when it was offered. “Just, be prepared for her to leave. I don’t want to always assume the worst, but I need you both prepared for it, and if it doesn’t happen, we’ll be grateful for it.”
They nodded and began to clean up the kitchen when Cash’s phone rang. He picked it up, but the look on his face told Liam exactly who was calling. “Hello? Yes, Wayne, what can I do for you?”
Liam watched as Cash’s shoulders sagged. CC must have seen it as well, because she’d gripped Liam’s hand like a lifeline, and they both waited until Cash got off the phone. When he did, he ran his hand over his beard several times then sighed. “They left together. The center tried to reason with her when she was leaving, but she was adamant, and Harley argued that she’d be fine, and they’d find a better way to handle things.”
CC started pacing then grabbed her phone from the table and dialed. First, she tried her mom’s cell, which she assumed she’d have asked for when she left voluntarily, but it went immediately to voicemail, obviously not charged or perhaps not turned on. She tried Harley’s number as well but got voicemail. She left a shaken message, begging him to call and talk to them.
They waited for hours, hoping for a call. CC retreated to her room, unwilling to talk about it, and Cash and Liam went to the movie theater room that was set up in the basement. They watched a couple movies and decided to go to bed.
They’d been asleep for several hours when Liam got a call from an unknown number, waking them both. “Hello?”
He heard his mother’s sobs, and his heart jumped into his throat. “I almost killed him, Liam. I think—” She broke down again, unable to speak. “I almost killed Harley. Oh god, it’s all my fault. He almost died, and it’s my fault.”
He’d put the phone on speaker so they were both listening. He felt helpless. “Mom—”
Cash’s hand on his knee stopped him, and he nodded for Cash to go ahead as they both listened to her moaning and sobbing. “Jane! Get yourself together, now. Take some deep breaths and get yourself together. Do you hear me?”
The sobs had stopped at Cash’s harsh words. She sniffled several times, and then took a deep breath. “Yes. Okay, yes.”
“Where are you?”
“Maryland, somewhere, I don’t even know!” Another sob broke out.
“Stop, now, Jane. Tell us what happened.”
“He just came out of surgery. He just had… I wanted to leave. I was so angry, and I didn’t think I needed to be there, but I think I do. I think I do because I almost killed Harley. I was so angry and blaming everyone but me. Harley came with lilies. He came with lilies, and I almost killed him.”
When she broke down again, Cash’s voice was a bit gentler as he said, “Jane, you have to talk to us. We need to understand now. Come on. Deep breaths. That’s it.”
“Okay. Okay, okay, okay. I’m okay. I… I wrote him that first week, and we emailed. He’s been writing me these love letters, and I wanted out, so I wrote him too and convinced him I didn’t need to be there. He’s been so good to me, and I lied to him and told him I was fine, that I was doing great, and they were releasing me early because I didn’t need to be there. And he came. He came as soon as I could have visitors because he believed me...” She hiccupped and continued, “And he brought me lilies, and I kissed him because I was so happy to be leaving, and he was so happy when I kissed him. But I just did it so he’d take me, and…and…I don’t… We drove for a while, and I told him I was hungry and I’d like to stop at a nice place to eat. He was so happy and talked about it being our first date. And all I could think about was going somewhere that had booze because that’s all I wanted. I wanted booze, and…and…and…and…”
Cash spoke up again. “Steady, Jane. Deep breaths.”
They heard her breathe in deep. “I got drunk at the restaurant, and he got upset. He paid for dinner, and we left. He was headed back the way we came. He said he knew all along he was being stupid, and that he was blinded by his feelings for me. He was taking me back. But…but…I didn’t want to go back, so I pulled on the steering wheel…and…and…oh god. OhgodOhgodOhgodOhgod. The sound of screeching brakes and crunching metal. I heard it all, and…and…and we got hit. I’d yanked on the wheel, and we got sideswiped by an oncoming car, and they ran into the driver side door, and…and…I was fine. I’m fine. But I’m always fine, right? I’m the town drunk, and I’m always fine, but I’m constantly hurting everyone I love. And I’ve known he’s loved me, and I manipulated him, and now he almost died all so that I could have another drink.”
“Have you talked to his doctors, Jane?”
Liam listened as she sobbed again, his own tears flowing at her pain but also what she’d done to herself and Harley for a drink, anger sinking in. “Jane!”
Liam jumped at Cash’s firm tone. “Yes. Yes. He’s going to be okay. His arm was fractured in two spots, and his leg was crushed between the door and the dashboard when they both caved in. That was what the surgery was for. We-we weren’t on the freeway yet. We were still on a city street, so the impact wasn’t as bad as it could have been, I guess.”
“Are you hurt, Jane?”
“Does it really matter?”
“Yes, of course it matters.”
“Doesn’t matter to me.”
“Well it matters to me, I know it matters to Liam, and I know it will matter to CC. I’d be willing to bet it will fucking matter to Harley, too!”
Cash was nearly shouting at her now, and Liam put his hand on his knee to soothe him. He watched Daddy take a few of his own deep breaths while his mom continued to cry. “I’m going to ask you one more time. Are you hurt, Jane?”
“No. I have some bumps, bruises, and scrapes. That’s it. They’ve released me already, and I waited until Harley was out of surgery to call.”
“Why did you call? If you left rehab because you don’t need it, why did you call?”
“Because I do need it. It was hard, I hated it, and I thought I was too weak to stick it out. But I need it.”
Cash sighed. “I’m not here to soothe your hurts, Jane, or pat you on the head to reassure you. You need to decide, right now, when is enough going to be enough? Because I’d be willing to bet the man you nearly killed tonight still loves you. It’s up to you to make sure you’re worthy of it. Life is gonna get much harder than it’s been the last two weeks. That’s how rehab goes. It’ll suck for a long time before it gets better. Is it worth it to you? You have to really want it, and you have to work really hard for it. I think you can do it, so do your kids, and from what I saw, so does Harley. But it’s not up to us.”
“I want to go back.”
“You sure about that?”
“Yes. I want to be better. I want to be stronger. I need to do this for myself.”
“I’ll make arrangements. Talk to Liam for a few minutes while I make some calls.”
Liam did his best to soothe his mother, but his heart was aching for CC and for Cash as well. He’d known it was coming, but Liam could see it still bothered him greatly. Cash made some calls to the center and arranged for transportation. When he came back, Liam handed over the phone.
“Someone will be there within ten minutes at the south entrance. They’re expecting you back at the center tonight. Your first two weeks will be void, and you’ll be starting from scratch.”
“I won’t disappoint you again.”
“It’s not me you should be worried about. Your children and Harley are the ones that deserve that declaration.”
“I’ll give it to them. I need them. I swear, I’ll do better. Please tell them I’m going to email, write letters, and I’m going to call them, and if they’re willing, I’d love for them to visit.”
“Why don’t we see if all that pans out as you get settled.”
“It will. Tonight was a wake up call.”
“I hope so, Jane. For everyone’s sake.”
“Harley?”
“I’ll handle it. He’ll receive the best care and will be moved back home as soon as he’s cleared.”
“Thank you, Cash. My son is a lucky man.”
“I’m the lucky one, Jane. Go to the south entrance, now. You don’t want to miss your car service.”
“All right. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Bye.”
Liam had watched Daddy take care of everything in awe and had fallen even more in love with him. They agreed to wait to talk to CC in the morning. She didn’t need to be woken up for this. Tears escaped again, and he wiped them away angrily. Daddy must have seen it coming because he gathered him onto his lap and rocked him. “Shh, baby boy. I’m so sorry.”
“Sometimes I hate her. I hate her weakness and her manipulation. I hate that she chooses herself over everyone else. I hate that I didn’t have regular childhood, because she and my dad fucked our lives up. I hate that I was basically CC’s father figure. I wasn’t ready for that, and neither was she. I hate that CC had to grow up like she did, worried about paying for the rent and the electricity. And I fucking hate that I still love her.”
He felt shattered and sobs wracked his small frame. Sharing his story and his feelings was a physical and mental release. The more tears that fell, the more Daddy soothed him, slowly filling in the cracks. Cash’s soft touches and whispers of love and support felt like he was being stitched back together with words. His blood started pumping faster, goosebumps skittered over his skin, and everything felt over sensitized. He began to explore Daddy’s strong, muscular body, feeling utterly lost and desperate for anything Daddy could give him, for anything that would keep him feeling alive.
Cash whispered in his ear that he wanted to be what Liam needed, wanted to be the one Liam went to when he was feeling out of control. They clung to each other, desperately, and Liam licked and sucked on Daddy’s neck then whispered sweetly, “Daddy, will you take off my cage so you can make love to me, and I can get hard and come?”
“Do you need Daddy to give you a cathartic release, baby boy?”
“Yes please, Sir.”
The cage Cash had promised to use on him every night—from his evening spankings through his morning spankings—was slowly removed, a torture in itself. Liam had a love/hate relationship with the damned thing. He hated that it was used so he couldn’t come during his twice daily spankings but loved the control it gave Daddy over his body.
They moved in near choreographed precision, their dance a secret language that only they could speak. Liam was slicked up in moments, and Daddy was deep inside of his boy, pleasuring him, and giving him the solace and the escape he needed in that moment. Liam’s tears never stopped, but the desperate anger finally ebbed, replaced by a desperation for something only Daddy could provide.
As they moved as one, all of the chaos, pain, disappointment, and rage floated away, and when they reached their peak together, no words were needed. Their sweat, their touch, their breath, and every movement they made only strengthened their love for each other. Liam knew, without a doubt in the world, that the man he’d fallen in love with was the man that would one day be his husband.
He smiled at that realization but kept it to himself, knowing there was no need to explain what Daddy already knew. He lay in Daddy’s arms, contentment seeping into every pore, flowing through his mind and body, and helping him drift off into sleep.