Cash
Cash’s eyes pricked with tears as he watched Liam flee from him. He knew from the sound of Liam’s voice that he’d been crying. Cash couldn’t keep doing this to him. He knew goddamned good and well that keeping the boy in a bedroom on the opposite side of the house wasn’t keeping him from loving Liam. Hell, all it did was make his yearning stronger and his heart ache. Why did he insist on doing that to himself, let alone his boy?
As he sat down on the chair, he had to wonder, what kind of Daddy was he? He wasn’t seeing to his boy’s needs, that was for damned sure. His slide into love with Liam had been quick, faster than he’d been prepared for. He knew that was a big part of what scared him. He’d only ever been in love one other time, or what he’d thought was love at the time. He wasn’t so sure after being with Liam. He’d been a junior in college, fresh faced and ready for the world. Simon had been everything he thought he’d wanted.
After they graduated, they’d moved in together and settled down. It was well over a year before things started to change. Perhaps it had been too soon to move in together. Perhaps they weren’t meant to be. He thought they’d been fine, but no matter how hard he’d tried to hold Simon close, they’d started drifting apart. Things they’d agreed upon early on, they began to disagree about. They both worked a lot, and he’d also been trying to build a startup tech business with a friend of his.
Their busy schedules made things hard, and Cash, thinking they’d just needed a kickstart, had wanted to try something new and had hoped it was something that could bring them back together. He wanted to introduce some kink into their lives. He’d always had that side of him and had been afraid to broach the subject with Simon. Finally, one night, he sat down with Simon and told him what he wanted.
Their sex life had always been good, but it had never been great, as far as Cash had been concerned. He thought maybe he could put some energy back into their lovemaking, and that would help improve other things in their life that had begun to feel boring. He’d also wanted to exert a bit more control over their lives and over Simon, if he was honest. He didn’t want to tip his hand too early, so he’d talked a bit about some bondage play and role play.
Simon hadn’t looked at all enthused, but he’d been open to trying a few things. Cash should have seen that it wasn’t going to work out much faster than he did. He’d tied Simon up with several of his ties. Cash’s libido had gone into overdrive, and Simon seemed unaffected, complaining about the ties and his position enough that Cash had eventually untied him, and they’d finished like they always did, lying on their sides, Cash spooning him and entering him from behind.
After giving it a bit more time, he’d tried several other things but knew he wasn’t getting anywhere with Simon, and when he’d called Simon “boy” while he’d been on his knees sucking Cash off, Simon had lost his shit. That had been the beginning of the end. He’d accused Cash of being a freak and trying to smother him and tell him what to do, and as much as Cash had denied it at the time, the more he thought about it, the more he realized it was true.
They’d lasted another six months because of Cash’s sheer stubbornness to try and make things work. He’d visited a lot of fetish clubs trying to find his place and see if any of that could be brought home and used to help their relationship, but in the end, he’d known they were growing apart both emotionally and sexually. They’d moved into different rooms towards the end so they could ride out their lease and go their separate ways.
They’d tried to remain friends, but things had become uncomfortable at that point, so they’d given up the pretense. After that, Cash dove into the kink community, eyes wide open, knowing it was where his passion and his libido would be fed. His business venture had finally ended, and the more he learned about the fetish community, the more he’d wanted to create a business within it. He’d studied, joined multiple clubs, and had actually gone through sub and Dom training.
It was a couple years later when a Daddy Dom, many years older than him, had joined his club, and he’d watched as subs had flocked to him. He’d been intrigued, so he befriended the older man, wanting to learn more about the difference between Dom and Daddy Dom and between Daddy Dom and Daddy. He eventually realized somewhere in the middle of those last two was the role that fit him best. He’d learned a lot from Mal and was grateful he’d found exactly what he needed in his life all while gaining a lifelong friend. From that point on, he’d been in fairly constant Daddy/boy relationships—some of them very long term—but hadn’t fallen in love with anyone since Simon.
Then, a beautiful, extremely young, enthusiastic boy rang his doorbell in the middle of a work crisis, and his shock and stress had fucked things up. He’d thought he’d made up for that, but had he really? Had he given Liam a serious chance? It hit him like a bolt of lightning that he hadn’t. He’d made decisions for both of them. He’d seen daily reminders of Liam’s love for him. He’d seen the boy’s yearning, and his willingness to be whatever Cash had needed.
Liam was the quintessential Daddy’s boy. His behavior was impeccable, he kept his Daddy young at heart, he was enthusiastic in and out of bed, he was willing to try anything, he was obedient, and Cash knew Liam loved him. He wasn’t one hundred percent positive he was in love with him, but he thought maybe he might be, and Cash had done nothing to deserve it.
It came down to fear. He knew that much for sure. He was afraid he’d move too fast, he was afraid he’d jump in with everything he had, and he’d lose Liam as a result. He was an intense man, and when he focused on something or someone, that person would feel the weight of everything he desired, needed, and wanted. It was borderline obsessive, and that was a lot for anyone to take. He would make demands, far more demands than he’d ever made of Liam before. He’d essentially been taking it easy on the boy, not wanting to push him too fast or scare him away.
The boy was so goddamn young. He said he’d be turning twenty-one soon, and Cash knew he needed to find out when, but he hadn’t asked because it was a reminder of their twenty-year age difference. He understood he was a Daddy and Liam was a boy, their whole dynamic was roughly based on their age gap and age play, so he felt even more ridiculous being hung up on Liam’s age. But he’d never been in a relationship with such a huge age difference that it made him feel old.
If they got married down the line and wanted kids, he’d be in his sixties when their child graduated from high school, let alone college. When he was seventy, Liam would have to deal with Cash’s age limits, and even though he was sure Liam would love him no matter what if they got that far together, he didn’t want to be a burden. He couldn’t do that to Liam.
However, he realized what he was doing was worse. He was putting their relationship in a small box, and he’d essentially taped them in. They couldn’t grow, they couldn’t change, they had to remain stagnant, and that wasn’t good for any relationship. He realized he needed to shit or get off the pot. Liam wasn’t going to stick around forever.
He had to figure out what was more important to him. He had to really decide, for himself at least, what mattered more. He couldn’t keep dragging Liam through his own emotional minefield. If he gave Liam up, would things improve, or more realistically, would he be miserable? Would he find another boy closer to his age and fall in love? Assuming falling in love was just so easy was an asinine assumption. And if he fell in love again, would he still ache for Liam? He knew the answer to that immediately, so was it really that hard to figure out? It all came down to one thing. Was Liam more important than his fears?
The clarity of his answer had him bolting out of the chair. He glanced at the clock and realized he’d been sitting there on his ass for forty-five minutes while Liam had been alone and hurting. Jesus, he had a lot of apologizing to do and an enormous amount to make up for. He left his room at a run and didn’t stop until he got to the blue room. He knocked lightly but heard nothing back. Assuming Liam was asleep, he quietly opened the door and peeked in.
Liam wasn’t there, and he had a moment of panic that the night they’d met was coming back to repeat itself, but he glanced down and saw his boy’s backpack leaning against the side of the bed. He remembered Liam had been headed downstairs to the library, so he retraced his steps and jogged down the stairs and down the hall to the French doors to the library. He inched the door open and saw the fire was going, but he didn’t see Liam.
He continued across the spacious room to the couch and found Liam asleep there, several blankets wrapped around him. He crouched down in front of Liam and rubbed his hand up and down his side. “Baby, wake up.”
Liam’s eyes drifted open, and Cash’s heart cracked in two when he saw how red and puffy they were from crying. Liam looked startled then he looked guilty, and that, more than anything, confused Cash. His boy sat up and glanced around, hunching into himself as if caught being somewhere he shouldn’t, which made no sense.
“Come on, I’ll take you upstairs, you fell asleep in front of the fire. Let’s go to bed.”
Liam looked around, still disoriented from sleep and put a hand to his head, rubbing his thumb over his temple. The splitting headache he probably had compounding Cash’s guilt. Liam stood and made to fold the blankets, but Cash pulled them gently from his grip and clasped Liam’s hand. They walked out of the library and down the hall. But when Cash tried to lead him up the stairs, Liam pulled his hand from Cash’s and said, “I’m going to go up the back staircase. I need to stop in the kitchen for some water and ibuprofen.”
“I have ibuprofen in my room, come on, I’ll get a cool cloth for your head and you can crawl in bed and rest. In the morning, we can talk.”
Liam looked frustrated, rubbed his temple again, shaking his head. “No, that’s okay. I’m all right, I really just want to go to bed in the blue room and get some sleep. I’m not feeling so great.”
Cash wanted to argue. Found it nearly impossible not to. He’d made his decision and now he was ready to move on it, but Liam wasn’t privy to his change of heart, and he didn’t want to push. If he pushed, he could lose everything he’d ever wanted. He’d wasted so much time with his own stubbornness and fear, he was disgusted with himself.
He clasped Liam’s hand again. “All right. I’ll get you what you need and walk you to your room.”
Liam tried to pull his hand from Cash’s again, but Cash held tight. “Please, let me help. I’m sorry about earlier. We can talk in the morning. I just want to be sure you get what you need, and I take care of you.”
He didn’t hear it, but Cash could sense Liam’s sigh. He led them to the kitchen where he got Liam some pain relievers and water. He watched as Liam tossed back the pills and drank the whole glass. He put the glass in the dishwasher and headed towards the back staircase. Cash clasped his hand again and Liam looked down at their entwined fingers as if confused by Cash’s actions.
Fuck.
Things were worse than he even knew. If Liam was confused by Cash’s need to help him when he was hurting, he didn’t know what kind of message he’d been sending Liam the last couple months. He’d failed so miserably with his boy, and he knew he had an enormous amount of work ahead of him. Apologies wouldn’t cut it, that he knew. Although he would be apologizing profusely, that wasn’t going to fix things. The only thing that was going to salvage their relationship was work. He had a lot of making up to do, and he wouldn’t just do it with words, he had to show how committed he was.
When they got to Liam’s bedroom, he made to walk the boy inside and tuck him in, but Liam turned and held onto the door making it clear with his body language he expected them to say goodnight in the hall. “Thanks for walking me up. I’m just going to get some rest.”
“Okay, baby. Sleep well. I hope you feel better. We’ll talk in the morning.”
Liam leaned in and hugged him tighter than Cash had expected. He wrapped his arms around Liam and squeezed back. Liam kissed him on the cheek and whispered, “Goodnight, Cash.”
“Goodnight, boy.”
He watched Liam go into his room and shut the door. He made his way back to his own room feeling hollow and miserable, knowing everything Liam was feeling right then could have been prevented if he’d only gotten over himself and stopped sabotaging their relationship before it even had a chance to start.
He brushed his teeth and climbed in bed. Feeling wide awake, he turned on the TV and tried to find something to numb his mind, but his thoughts were all over the place. His synapses were firing, but not connecting; self-recrimination blocking out his ability to find solutions to fix what he’d fucked up. Add to that a feeling of foreboding, and soon enough, he had his own headache brewing. He eventually fell asleep with the TV still on.
He woke up with a start and sat up in bed. His feeling of foreboding turning into full-fledged panic when he looked at the clock and saw it was six in the morning already. Liam had asked him if he could sleep in his bed, but when Cash asked later, he’d refused. His boy wouldn’t let Cash go in his room or tuck him in. And when Cash had said we’ll talk in the morning, instead of agreeing, Liam had hugged him fiercely, kissed his cheek and told him goodnight.
He finally realized what that awful feeling was that he couldn’t figure out, the one that had been nagging him incessantly. It was the goodbye he’d heard in Liam’s voice when he’d said goodnight. Fuck no! No, no, no, no, no! He scrambled across the bed, threw open his door and ran to the other side of the house. He didn’t have to open Liam’s door. It had been left open. He glanced at the floor and saw the backpack was gone.
He blinked furiously when his vision blurred at something in the middle of the bed. He rubbed his eyes and realized he was crying, staring at yet another goodbye letter from the boy that had become his everything without him even knowing it. He walked into Liam’s room, his feet like dead weights, dragging him slowly towards something he didn’t want to see, didn’t know if he had the heart to read.
Standing by the side of the bed, he picked the envelope and slid himself down to the floor, leaning back against the bed frame. He rested his arms on his updrawn knees, his hands holding the letter in front of his once again blurry vision. It said “Cash” on it. Not Daddy. And his heart broke anew.
He realized in that moment, he hadn’t heard Liam call him Daddy in several days. Why hadn’t he noticed the change? He opened the envelope and pulled out the letter, his goddamned eyes leaking nonstop, preventing him from reading his boy’s words. Leaning over he reached for the box of tissues on the nightstand, and the hand he’d braced himself with slid on top of something slick.
He looked down and picked two cards up that had most likely fallen out of Liam’s backpack and landed under the bed. He understood what he was looking at immediately. Grabbing those tissues, he wiped his eyes, opening up the cards Liam had gotten for his birthday, which Cash missed because he was too much of a terrified asshole to ask him when it was. One of the cards was from his sister CC and the other was yet another reality check. Tommy had known. Tommy had known and had sent a birthday card to Liam from Formentera, and Cash couldn’t be bothered to ask his boy for the date because he was too busy being a fucking coward.
He stood with the birthday cards and the letter in his hand and checked the bathroom and the closet. There were toiletries and tons of clothing there that gave him a glimmer of hope until he realized they were all expensive brands, brands Liam would never have bought for himself, brands Cash had spent money on. Liam had either not wanted a trace of Cash left in his life, or he hadn’t felt like they were his to take, so he’d left them behind.
Either way, he wasn’t sure how many hits his heart could take when faced with the reality of what he’d done. And if his heart was shredded, he knew he couldn’t begin to understand what Liam’s felt like. He knew, deep down, he didn’t deserve a boy like Liam, not after the way he’d treated him.
The more he thought about it, the more he realized he’d done nothing but treat the boy like a friend with benefits besides give him a roof over his head. That he could have treated a boy like that, any boy like that, made him so mad at himself, but that he’d done it to a boy he loved disgusted him.
He left Liam’s room and walked towards his own but found himself wandering down to the library. Most nights, Liam said he was going down to read in the library for a while before bed. In fact, every night that he could remember offering to walk Liam back to his own room, Liam had said that’s where he was going. He walked in and flicked on the low light wall sconces and made his way over to the couch he’d found Liam on.
He’d come down here to escape that night, not read. No matter how much he tried to talk himself out of it, he left the library to head to his office. He flicked on the monitor and searched the security feed for earlier that evening. He stopped at nine that evening when Liam sat at the dinner table, both of their plates full of what looked like a beautiful meal, one lone little tea light flickering, the rest of the food on the table, and music going in the background. He was just sitting there staring into space, sadness radiating from him.
He went back farther, two hours earlier and Liam was just sitting down. Jesus. Back further and Liam was cooking an elaborate meal for them, swaying to the music on the stereo. He sped it up and watched as the boy spent a solid hour cooking, plating, and setting the table. He went to the fridge and took out a box and sat it on the table as well. When he moved out of the way of the camera, Cash saw that it had had a Happy Birthday sticker on it.
His mouth and throat went dry as he sat and watched Liam wait. He fast forwarded, and he was still waiting. Forward again, waiting some more, a vacant, hopeless expression on his face. Cash watched until his boy finally wiped his face of the fresh tears he’d shed when he realized he’d been waiting in vain. He watched as Liam got up, threw his own birthday cake in the trash, and went about putting the food in the fridge and cleaning all the dishes.
When he was done, he looked around, almost at a loss, then slowly went upstairs to his room. As he moved from the kitchen to his bedroom, the cameras followed his movement. He came out a few minutes later in his robe and slippers. Cash watched him go out to the back patio and get in the jacuzzi. He forwarded it until he watched Liam come out of Cash’s bedroom, eyes glistening with tears as he himself stood and watched the boy walk away.
The worst though, the worst was when he rounded the corner out of Cash’s sight and ran away from him like he was being chased, and when he got to the stairs, he was crying so hard he had to cover his mouth to muffle his sobs while he ran down them and into the bathroom where he shut himself in. He didn’t emerge for thirty minutes, but when he did, he was absolutely wrecked.
The cameras followed him into the library where he pulled blankets out of a closet—blankets Cash didn’t think he’d had there before—turned on the fire, laid down, and pulled the covers over himself, staring into the fire as more tears fell, and eventually, falling asleep. Unable to stop himself from watching, he forwarded it until he left Liam at the door of his room. The door opened less than an hour later, and Liam emerged, fully clothed with only his backpack. He went downstairs and walked out the garage door and out of Cash’s life.
And he honestly couldn’t blame Liam one single bit for finally saying enough was enough. He looked down at the boy’s letter he’d dropped on the desk and picked it up. He couldn’t put it off any longer, and honestly, he deserved every single condemning word Liam could ever throw at him. He opened the envelope and pulled it out. Taking a deep breath, he unfolded it and lost himself in Liam’s pain.
Cash,
I’ve been struggling to figure out what to do and what to say for a while now. My decision to leave didn’t come easily to me. In the end, it was the only solution. It was not my intention to lie, and for that, I’m deeply sorry.
I’ve known for quite some time it wasn’t working between us. I know you’re convinced that I’m young and naïve, that I don’t know myself, my own mind, or what I want, but I assure you, I know what I want. I have since I was fourteen. My sister has always called me an old soul, and maybe that’s true. I don’t know.
What I do know is that you can’t seem to let me in, and still, my heart chose you. Unfortunately, yours didn’t choose me. There’s no fault for you in that. I’m simply not the boy you need or want. I tried my best to be that man, but I fell short every single time. I couldn’t continue to live in your home, taking advantage of your kindness.
I know it’s only been two months, but I was lost to you before I showed up on your doorstep. A bit of my naiveté showing? Perhaps, but that doesn’t make it any less true. I admit that wasn’t fair to you. I had such a head start and felt like I knew you before we’d even met. And perhaps I misunderstood what Tommy had been telling me. Perhaps I did come in hoping for more.
But know that I came into this with my eyes wide open. I wasn’t convinced all the pieces would fall magically into place, and we’d be professing our love in a week. I tried to convince myself to give you more time. You just needed more time to get to know me, and then for sure, you’d see what I see. But, the reality was, you didn’t need more time.
A man that keeps me at arm’s length, a man that’s very careful never to talk about the future, a man that has no desire to hold me in his arms at night, that’s not a man falling in love, it’s a man that doesn’t have any emotional connection with me. I wasn’t about to try to force those emotions. That wouldn’t be fair to either of us. I’m sorrier than you can ever know that I wasn’t that man, but I don’t place blame on you for that.
I need more than you can give me. We’ve been playing at Daddy and boy dynamics, but we haven’t delved deep like I’d hoped. There’s been no role play, and I don’t feel owned, let alone controlled by you.
I started feeling guilty pretty early on. You’re so very generous with your things and your money and your time. But I couldn’t stay any longer without feeling like I was using you. Because if you don’t have feelings for me like I have for you, then I’m just a boy eating your food, wearing the clothes you’ve purchased for me, and living in your home for free.
I started to feel like the freeloader you thought I was early on, though I know that’s not how you see it now. I left as quickly as I could, I hope you can believe that. I saved as much money from my job as possible and was finally able to put down first and last month’s rent on a place with some friends I’ve made.
Cash, you’re the kindest, most wonderful man I’ve ever met. You’ve been patient and caring, you’ve been a generous lover and a generous man. You don’t know how many nights I sat up wishing I could be the one for you, that maybe the next day you’d see something in me that was worth keeping, worth loving. But life doesn’t always work out like that.
As much as I wanted to be your one, like I thought you were mine, it wasn’t meant to be. Maybe when Tommy left you realized he was your one. I encourage you to tell him, Cash. If he is your one, you need to try to make it work. Don’t put everyone’s needs in front of your own. Listen to your heart and follow it. Life is too short to give up what you want when it’s within your grasp.
I want to thank you so much for being you. I came from a tiny town, and it was a scary thing, moving away from everything I’d known. It could have been a disaster for a boy like me in a city like this, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t because you were here, guiding me and helping me with anything I needed.
Thank you for believing in me. I wouldn’t be where I am if it wasn’t for you. Yes, I interviewed and earned my job, but don’t think I don’t know you pulled some strings and got my resume pushed to the top. I’m grateful for you and your kindness. I always will be.
I think it’s best that I make a clean break with both you and Tommy. I know that might seem unnecessarily cruel, but please don’t think of it like that. Something tells me you’ve been holding yourself back from loving someone, and I wish you both such happiness.
I truly hope it works out. Please understand that, as much as I wish I had it in me to be the bigger man, to allow myself to be friends with you both and be okay with seeing your love for each other, I don’t think my heart could take it. I wish I was stronger, but I know my limits.
I wish you both well.
All my love,
Liam
Cash was so angry at himself his hand was shaking by the time he was done reading Liam’s letter. He realized he’d had absolutely no clue the damage his holding back had been doing to his boy. Every day, Liam had been hurting. Every single day, he’d been thinking he was unworthy and unloved. Cash had known that Liam wanted to sleep with him in the beginning, but after the first time Cash had offered to walk him to his room, it seemed like he’d being fine with the arrangement.
How could he be so stupid? How could he have missed the signs? He truly hadn’t seen them until the night before. He’d been so wrapped up in how he felt about everything, he’d never stopped to think about what message he was sending Liam. What kind of Daddy did that?
A couple months seemed like such a short time to him. He’d been trying to wrap his mind around his feelings, and he hadn’t realized how long it would feel to someone that wanted so much more from the start and had obviously been led to believe he’d get it. He wasn’t mad at Tommy for leading Liam to believe what he did. He’d obviously been completely convinced his plans would go off without a hitch.
Tommy wanted the best for them both, obviously, and Tommy was ever an optimist. He gave Cash more credit than he should have. He hadn’t accounted for Cash’s fears, and he definitely hadn’t accounted for Cash’s cowardice. He’d known that Liam was perfect for him. That’s how well Tommy knew him. And he’d assumed that, because he knew Cash was ready for love, Cash would see it to and step up to the plate.
The pain he’d caused by having them sleep separately was more than he could have imagined. He thought he’d been giving them space to breathe and take the time to ease into their relationship. But what he’d done was errode the boy’s self-assurance away as quickly as telling the boy he wasn’t worthy would have done.
In Cash’s mind, they’d signed a contract, and obviously, Cash had thought that was that. Granted, he thought that because that’s how it had been with Tommy. They’d fallen so effortlessly into a perfect rhythm that worked for them, both knowing the score from pretty early on. Of course, they’d become great friends as well, so they’d also slept together and hadn’t stressed about what it meant because it meant nothing.
Cash had assumed he’d had plenty of time to sort things out, but while he’d been thinking about how to deal with his ever-growing and overwhelming feelings, Liam had been trying to figure out how to get out so he didn’t have to endure any more pain. He’d obviously felt rejected in more ways than one, every single day feeling as if he was unworthy and unloved, and all the while, Cash had been none the wiser.
He didn’t know if he’d ever get the chance to tell Liam how wrong he truly was, which just pissed him off even more. And for what? What had he gained hiding his feelings? What had he gained holding back? He’d convinced himself that he was too old and couldn’t give Liam what he needed and wanted, that the right move would be breaking it off with the boy. But that was just his cowardice talking.
He was truly worried about how his age would affect his boy in the future, but if he was honest with himself, he wouldn’t have let that stop him in the end. He loved Liam too much, and that’s what scared him. He’d never felt as strongly about anyone as he felt about Liam, and he remembered how Simon had felt smothered by him when he’d tried to change their relationship.
He knew it was different with Liam because Simon wasn’t into kink at all, but he could remember the words Simon had spat at him. He feared he’d overwhelm a boy like Liam and make him feel as smothered as Simon had felt, and that he couldn’t bear. He was scared to death of letting himself love Liam the way he needed to love his boy, and that, in the end, he’d be so overwhelmed he’d leave Cash like Simon had.
Liam had misread everything. Every single thing. And the fault of that lay with him, not his boy. If he’d been so guarded Liam couldn’t even see his growing feelings or his bone deep desire to smother the boy with more love and affection and devotion than most people could handle, he’d done everything wrong. He knew he’d been holding back. He knew he’d tried to justify his actions with excuses, and this is where it got him.
He pictured Liam, running down the stairs, muffling his own sobs as he ran away from Cash, and he thought maybe Liam was better off without him. But that lasted for about a minute when he realized he was doing it again. He was allowing his own fear to take over. He knew no one would be better for Liam. Liam was his boy, and no one was ever better off being without the one they loved.
Before he could talk himself out of it, he called Tommy. “Cash?”
“Yeah, Tommy. I need your help.”
There was silence while Tommy took in the tone of his voice. “What happened?”
“I fucked up.”
“Jesus, Cash. What’s going on with you? This isn’t like you at all.”
“I know. Fuck. I know, Tommy, and I’m trying to fix it. I need you to track him on that app.”
“Goddammit, Cash! He left again? What did you do?!”
“Tommy, just do—”
“You don’t get to order me around, Cash! What are you doing to that poor boy? He worships the ground you walk on, and that was before he even fucking met you! Why do you keep hurting him? If you don’t want him then leave him alone. I thought he was perfect for you, but maybe I was wrong. Just let him go this time.”
“I can’t!”
“Why, Cash? Frankly, if you’re going to keep hurting him, I don’t want to help you. You obviously don’t deserve a boy like Liam.”
“You’re right, but I can’t let him go.”
“Why?”
“You know why.”
“Why, Cash?!”
“Because, I’m in love with him! Because I’m so goddamned, fucked up in love with that boy that I can’t see straight. I’ve handled it all wrong because I don’t know how to handle it! I thought I was sorting out my feelings. I thought I was taking things slow so we didn’t rush into anything. But all I’ve been doing is hurting him, and I didn’t even know it. I’ve been so up in my head, so obsessed with having all the answers, with knowing what to do, I didn’t see what I was doing to him. Please. Tommy, please find him.”
“You’re in love with him.”
Tommy said it like a statement, not a question, but he answered anyway, “Yes. Completely and irrevocably.”
“Tell me what happened.”
So, Cash did. He unloaded everything that had happened with them from the beginning without stopping and without going easy on himself. He told him about missing his birthday and about what happened the night before. Everything that had gone on between him and Liam was out on the table for Tommy to dissect.
“Jesus, Cash. You’re an asshole.”
“I know.”
“Your relationship with him was supposed to be different than your relationship with me or any of the others. Why were you treating it the same?”
“Because it’s what I’ve been doing since Simon. It’s all I know.”
“It’s not all you know, it’s what you fall back on. And we both know Simon wasn’t the one for you. You needed something and someone completely different, Cash.”
“I know. I was scared. Everything about this boy scares me to death, Tommy.”
“But why? It’s like he’s custom made for you! You never had as much control over me as you wanted. I couldn’t give you that much. It’s what Liam needs, what he craves, Cash.”
“I know that now. We never even talked about it.”
“That’s on you, not him! You’re the Daddy, Cash! Act like it! It’s up to you to take control and set the tone. He’s always been the one in charge. From a very early age, he’s been the one taking care of everything. He wanted to be able to let that go. He wanted to be able to give you the control you crave.”
“Why didn’t I know that? Why didn’t I ask?”
“I don’t fucking know! But what that meant to him is that you didn’t care. And I know that couldn’t be further from the truth.”
“Why did he have to be in control so young?”
“That’s not for me to say. Do the work, Cash. Ask him yourself. And another thing! Can I just say, I slept with you all the time!”
“I know. Fuck. I know you did. I don’t know why I was trying to keep him at a distance. I guess there wasn’t any danger that way.”
“Danger?”
“Of me losing myself to him. Of me losing all control and consuming him. He’s so fucking innocent, Tommy. I’m afraid I’ll ruin him with how much I need and want from him, with how much I need to own and control him!”
“Cash, that’s exactly what he needs. I spoke to him for well over a month, every single day. I know that boy inside and out. He’s your perfect match.”
“But what if I fuck it up? What if I ruin him?”
“You love him, Cash.”
“More than I can even express.”
“Then you won’t fuck it up because you’ll know how to handle it. This trepidation isn’t you. You aren’t being yourself. He left the man you were presenting, not the man you are. ”
“Then I need to show him the man I am, and in order to do that, I need you.”
After a few long drawn out moments, Tommy sighed. “This is the last time. You can’t keep hurting him, and I won’t be part of you getting him back only to do it again. You make it work this time or let him go. He doesn’t deserve this, Cash.”
“I know. Thank you, Tommy.”
“Hang on, let me check.”
Cash waited, his foot tapping. When Tommy didn’t come back immediately, he rested his head on his palm, leaning over the table. “He’s not showing up, Cash. He’s still showing on my list, but he’s not on there, which means his phone must be off right now. Hang on.”
Cash waited in silence again, his nerves getting the better of him. If he couldn’t find Liam with the app, he’d end up being a stalker or some other crazy shit. Not a good idea. Tommy came back on and sighed. “Shit, Cash, I’m sorry.” Those words sent panic through him. “His number’s been disconnected.”
It hit him, and it hit him hard. He let out a shaky breath and a curse and heard Tommy reply but couldn’t make out his words over the din of the buzzing noise going on in his head. The phone fell out of his hand, and he stood, leaning his weight on his hands on the desktop. The buzzing increased, and he couldn’t take it anymore.
With a primal roar, he swept everything off his desk onto the floor with a crash and fell into the desk chair in anguish. His mind was a jumbled mess and at first, he had no idea how to start his search, no idea where to turn. He closed his eyes and quieted his mind, only then realizing he had a few options. He just had to figure out his next move.