CHAPTER ONE

1985

I tilted my head back to let the ice-cold beer slide down my throat.

Fuck Len and his rules.

I wasn’t a fucking child and I wouldn’t be treated like one. Yeah, we played like shit the other night ... one night out of the whole tour so far. We didn’t sound our best and Lennon kicked off like a fucking lunatic, trying to keep us locked in our rooms and banning phone calls.  This is Paris, and I’m gonna enjoy myself. We’ve worked bloody hard on this tour and we’ve more than earned the chance to have a bit of fun, so yeah, fuck him.

I turned around on my stool at the swim-up bar and watched as Rocco waded through the water towards me, waving a little plastic bag in the air.

“Big bro let you out to play today, Layton? Where’s your buddy? He too pussy-whipped by your sister to be allowed to join us?”

He wafted the bag of cocaine in front of my nose as he spoke. I was eighteen and stupid, and I thought Rocco Taylor was a god.

“My ‘big bro’ could go fuck himself, and I had no idea where Maca was—probably loitering around the nearest payphone so he could ring George.”

He shook his head. “Dude, I know she’s your sister and all, but seriously, that shit could end your careers. You need to show him that single is the way to go. Just look at what Yoko did to the Beatles.”

I’d never thought of that before. Maca had not stopped complaining about how much he missed G. He even mentioned that he was gonna ask her to marry him as soon as she left school so that my mum and Dad would have no objection to her touring with us.

She was sixteen, for fuck’s sake. Who got married at sixteen? I loved my sister, and Maca was like a brother to me, but they were far too young to be thinking about all that shit.

“You wanna line? This is good shit. I’ve got an Algerian contact who gets me whatever I like at a moment’s notice.

He had one of those waterproof, plastic coin storage tubes hanging from a cord around his neck, containing the contents of a small chemist’s shop.

“Try one of these. When the girls get here, you will be able to fuck for hours.”

He handed me a small white pill and without even thinking, I swallowed it down with the last of my beer, then snorted a line of coke up each nostril from the bar.

I wanted to obliterate my thought process—I was sick of thinking and feeling. I just wanted to be numb. I’d just endured three days of watching my brother and my best friend behave like they were in fucking heaven, just because their birds had flown out to see them.

I wasn’t jealous as such ... fuck ... yeah, actually I was. I was jealous because Maca always chose George over me and I was jealous because Jimmie had chosen Len over me. I didn’t even really fancy her that much, but I’d always assumed that one day, me and Jim would get it on. We’d  always flirted around. Even as kids, there’d been a little something between us, and I think I just felt like I was entitled to claim Jimmie as mine. I never for a minute considered that she would be interested in someone else.  Then when she was just fourteen, it all came out that she was seeing my eighteen-year-old brother. Everyone but me, seemed to know about it and it hurt. It hurt a fucking lot. I felt stupid, like Jimmie had led me on, just to get to my brother, but of course she hadn’t. We’d been mates, Jimmie and I, and nothing more. What I saw as flirting, she saw as teasing. It was no different to what Maca did with her, but back then, my head needed a bit of a wobble, so instead, I sulked like a little kid and allowed Rocco and his poison to get under my skin.

“He’s talking about proposing to her,” I stated after a few minutes of silence.

“Maca ... to your sister? How fucking old is she?”

“Sixteen. She’s still at school,” I told him.

“Seriously? Why the fuck would he wanna do that?”

“Because it’s the only way my mum and Dad will let her come on tour with us.”

“What about her education? College? Do your parents not want all of that for her? I mean no disrespect, dude, but they’re both so young. What if in a few years from now they split up? What’s your sister gonna be left with then?” he asks with a serious, concerned tone to his voice. And me being the idiot that I was, I took it at face value. He was, after all, my friend, and was just showing concern for my sister.

Yeah, right.

“Relationships are hard to hold down in this industry. You guys are just on the verge of making it big. There’s gonna be tours, worldwide TV appearances, long hours in the studio, and women. Fuck, there’s gonna be women throwing themselves at you every which way you turn. How long till he can’t resist? After a month, or even a few weeks away from home, he’ll start feeling lonely, and there will be warm, wet pussy available everywhere he goes, willing to keep him company. How many times will he be able to say no, especially once the babies come along and your sister can’t travel with him all the time? I’m telling ya, man, he’ll either cave, cheating on your sister, or he’ll wanna quit the band and stay home with her and the kids. Either way, it will bad news for you—bad, bad news.”

I hung on his every word, absorbing them all like a sponge. I let them soak into my bloodstream like the coke he fed me for the rest of the afternoon. They settled like poison in my chest, my belly, and my brain.

A few hours later, I was a mess. High as a kite from the coke, horny as fuck, and loving anything and everything, all from the little white pill that Rocco had given me. I’d never experienced anything like it. I felt euphoric, like I could take on the world. I wanted everyone to try one of those little white pills so that they could feel as amazing as I did.

I looked up as a crowd of girls started to make their way towards us. Haley White was at the front of a group I recognised to be band slags that had been following us around from gig to gig.

I had to hand it to Haley, she was a resourceful little thing. From following us around the pubs and venues of Essex and East London, she was always there, sucking and fucking her way through the members of each band we played with, just so they’d keep her around.

At the time, she was Rocco’s favourite plaything, but I’d watched her and I knew she had her sights set on Maca, who she’d always been obsessed with. It was something we joked about and took the piss out of him for. However, none of us had any idea of the lengths she would go through to split him and Georgia apart.

I watched as the group of about twelve girls threw down their towels and bags on the sun loungers. Some of them started to remove their tops before jumping into the pool to join myself, Rocco, Wayne Allen, Kombat Rock’s drummer, and Riff Reynolds, their guitarist. I slid off my stool at the swim-up bar and dipped farther down into the water to hide my hard on. I was eighteen, snorting cocaine, popping what I later found out was ecstasy, and drinking beer with three members of one of the biggest bands of the time. In addition to that, I was in a pool with a swim-up bar, surrounded by a dozen women wearing little more than a smile and a ‘come fuck me’ look. Of course I had a fucking hard on.

Things slowly began to spiral out of control from there. A few minutes later, I watched all heads turn as Maca walked out to the pool area, looking thoroughly pissed off. He pulled his T-shirt over his head, threw it on a chair and dived in. He swam almost the length of the pool, underwater, surfacing in front of me a few moments later. The water was just below his hips as he stood up and you could almost hear the collective sighs of every woman, and some of the blokes, as he pushed his hair back off his face.

Even I had to admit he was a good-looking fucker, almost verging on the side of too beautiful for a bloke. He was always a bit skinnier than me, but we had both been hitting the hotel gyms hard while on tour and even had a set of weights we used regularly on the bus, so we were both looking pretty ripped for a couple of eighteen-year-old kids.

I don’t know exactly what happened in those few moments I spent watching him wade through the water towards me—the drugs and alcohol I’m pretty sure played a big part—but I’d readily admit there was something else. I don’t know if it was his presence, or the effect he had on everyone around him, but something made my dick stir as I watched him.

I’m not gay. I’ve never fancied blokes or had any desire to fuck or be fucked by another man, but for the first time ever, as I watched Sean McCarthy walk through water towards me, I got hard for a man. It fucked with my head big time, making me feel angry and that, combined with Rocco’s words from earlier about Sean splitting up the band to be with Georgia, made me resentful. He was my bandmate, best mate, and like a brother to me, but at that moment, I was confused about exactly what it was I was feeling for him.

“Maca, glad you escaped the chains that being in love have wrapped around you and decided to break free to come and join us.” Rocco called out from the bar stool he was sitting on, Haley straddling his lap with her bare tits pressed against his chest. Despite being in that position, I’d noticed she hadn’t taken her eyes off Maca since he’d walked out to the pool.

“Fuck off, Rocco.” Maca replied as I passed him a beer.

“Cheers.” He nodded towards me as he spoke.

“You need to chill the fuck out. What’s up?” I asked him.

“Your fucking brother, that’s what’s up. G’s gonna be going mental that I haven’t phoned and it’s all because he suddenly thinks he’s God and can tell us when we can make fucking phone calls. I’m not a fucking child and I won’t be treated like one. Between him and the label saying she can’t come backstage, I’m just about ready to fuck off home and fuck the lot of them.”

My stomach churned as I listened to his words. I looked over to Rocco, who was shrugging his shoulders and shaking his head in an ‘I warned you’ gesture.

“That’s a lot of fucks you just threw out there. Drink your beer and try one of Rocco’s party smarties. They’ll make you feel better, I promise,” I told him.

Rocco, listening to the conversation, unwrapped Haley from around him, calling Maca and I over to the bar.

“You need to chill out and enjoy the party, man,” Rocco said.

“Your girl loves you, right? She’ll understand when you explain that Lennon had you all on a curfew, surely?” Maca shrugged.

“Well, if she don’t, then you two are gonna have some serious issues in the future. Like I told Marley earlier, you guys are heading for the big leagues. You’ll be playing in places where trying to get a call out is impossible and life’s gonna get so crazy, you’ll barely have time to take a dump. So, she best get used to going a few days without talking to you.” He patted Maca on the back as he spoke, coming across all brotherly and caring.

“Now, try one of these and enjoy your night off. In fact, take two and a couple lines of this. I promise, life will feel good again, my friend.”

Maca looked at me, “What you had?” I shrugged and smiled as I danced to Dead or Alive’s, ‘You Spin Me Right Round.’

“What’ve I had? A good fucking time, that’s what I’ve had. All while you’ve been running around, trying to find a payphone so my sister doesn’t kick off when you eventually speak to her.” 

I watched him as he looked at the drugs lined up on the bar―two E’s and two lines of coke. He shook his head, bent down and snorted the coke, then washed the two pills down together with a swig of his beer.

“Shit,” I exclaimed, “you should’ve done those pills a couple of hours apart, not together like that.”

“You just told me to chill so bring it on, I’m ready to party. I’m sick of feeling like I’m being pulled in every direction.” He wiped his mouth on the back of his hand. “I’ve asked G to marry me,” he announced out of nowhere.

I closed my eyes for a long moment. Everything was tilting sideways around me and I felt panic rise in my belly. It was all gonna come true ... everything Rocco said would happen was gonna happen. I took a deep breath in through my nose and looked at my best mate.

“You must want your fucking brains tested.”

“I love her, and I want her with me. I knew you wouldn’t get it.”

“Why, Maca? Why do you want her with you?  So she can witness all of this?” We both looked around the pool area. Everyone from the tour had taken over the space from roadies, technicians, riggers, even backing singers. Tears for Fears, ‘Everybody Wants to Rule the World’ started playing and everyone joined in, apparently knowing the words to the song. We were a collective―a group of strangers that had bonded after travelling, living, and performing together, and for once, I felt like I was a part of something. I didn’t feel like a loner or the odd one out, and I didn’t want it to end. In that moment, I realized how much I truly loved my job, my band, and being on tour.

We had a whole day and night off, spending it in a hotel and not on the road, so everyone was making the most of it and partying hard.

“Well, you gonna answer the question? What d’ya think George would say to all this? I gesture with a nod of my head to the scene unfolding around us.  “There’s topless women, for fucks sake Maca, some of them are naked.  There’s girls kissing each other girls kissing boys  andI swear, there are at least  two couples over in the middle of the pool  having sex. Everyone is either drunk, stoned, high, or like me, a combination of all three.” I made sure to point out everything that would make George hate it here. “If she sees this first-hand for herself, she will never trust you when you’re on tour again I told him straight. I knew my sister, I knew exactly how she would react to what was going around us that day.

“She won’t have to worry if she’s with me. Your mum and Dad are never gonna let that happen unless we get married, or until she turns eighteen.”

“Then fucking wait―wait until she’s eighteen. Let her finish her education so we can enjoy these next few years on the road.” He raked his hand through his hair as I spoke.

“Marls, I can’t. I need to have her near. What if she goes off to college and meets someone else? What if she decides that this isn’t the life she wants?” Was he serious?

“Maca, I know she’s my sister, but Georgia’s a good girl. She’s only ever had eyes for you since she was eleven years old.”

“What if you propose and she is allowed to travel with us? She’s gonna see shit like this happening all the time. What if she still decides that this ain’t what she wants, that this life isn’t for her? What’ll you do then?” He closed his eyes and tilted his head up to the sky as I spoke.

“I don’t know ... I don’t fucking know. She’s so young, Marls, she thinks she knows it all, but she has no idea. She’d hate this, and she’d hate knowing I was around this shit.” He gestured with his chin towards the debauchery going on all around us.

“You need to let her go, Maca. I know you love her, but you need to let her finish her education and you need to concentrate on the band. Then, in a coupla years, maybe think about settling down with her. We’ve got plenty of time for wives and babies. Let’s just focus on making Carnage the biggest band ever first―that, and enjoying what it brings with it.”

“I can’t let her go and I won’t, not for the band, not for anyone. I’ll tell you straight up, Marls, if it comes to the band or G, she’ll win every time ... Every. Fucking. Time.”

My heart rate accelerated. I needed to do something to make him see that the band was more important than the fucking fairy tale he thought he had going on with my sister.

Please bear in mind I was eighteen, stupid, and selfish. We’d worked so fucking hard to get the band to where it was and we were so close to seeing all our dreams come true. I just couldn’t see beyond that. I’m not trying to make excuses for how events unfolded that night, or the part I played in them, but I was manipulated as much as Maca was. I may not have been innocent, but I was set up the same as he was, and I’ve never forgiven myself for what happened over those next few hours.

If I hadn’t behaved like a selfish little prick, I have no doubt that Sean and Georgia would’ve been happily married with a family, years before they ever were. Everything would’ve been different. They would never have been out on that icy street on that freezing cold December afternoon, and I sure as shit know that my best friend and my nephew would still be alive today. I live with this every single day of my fucking life, but being the wanker that I am, I will never let my sister know the part I played in changing the course of her life. I lost her once for a few years, and if she knew the truth, I know without a shadow of a doubt, I would lose her forever.